MARRIAGE—THE GOAL OF WOMAN
There are three great events in a Hindu woman’s life: first, her
marriage; second, the birth of her son; and third, if she should be so
unfortunate, her widowhood.
These three events are of immense importance to all women, but as a
woman of the Far East is supposed to be created for one purpose only,
the rearing of sons to her husband’s house, marriage and birth of
children assume a larger place in her life than in the life of the
Western woman, where these two events are often merely incidents. Also
when a Hindu woman marries she expects to stay married, as she cannot
divorce her husband, and he can only divorce her for infidelity. Even
death will not open for her the doorway to remarriage, because if her
husband should die before her, she must remain true to his memory for
life.
The woman’s inclinations are seldom consulted in regard to the choice of
a husband, because, quite likely, when she is not much more than a
child, her parents begin to look around for a suitable alliance for her.
Their choice must fall upon a man of the same caste, a relative if
possible. The prospective bridegroom may be a young boy, or he may be an
old man, a widower. The girl _must_ be married. There are no reasons in
the Hindu philosophy which allow a girl to pass the marriageable age
without a husband being chosen for her. Men may become “sanyassis,” that
is, renounce the world and remain bachelors, but this is not allowed
women under any circumstances, as they must fulfil their destiny, which
is to be the mothers of men.
If a girl passes the marriageable age, if she should be twelve or
thirteen without being settled in life, her family would feel that they
were disgraced, and she would have slight opportunity for marriage in
any respectable family. Therefore, it is incumbent upon her parents to
find for her a husband as soon as possible, which leads to one of the
greatest crimes against Indian womanhood—child marriages.
There are many preliminaries to be arranged before the final choice of a
bridegroom is decided, but when he is found at last, the important
question of the dowry arises. In some places the father of the bride
gives a dowry with his daughter, in others the groom’s father pays a
certain sum to the parents of the little bride, practically buying her.
Nearly every caste has a different mode of procedure regarding the
exchange of presents and money.
The girl’s personal jewellery and everything she receives from her
future father-in-law, or that she takes with her to her new home, are
most clearly set down, article by article, in a document, and constitute
her own personal property, which she may claim if she becomes a widow.
Marriage is a most ruinous operation financially for the parents,
especially for the father of the bride. He must give a feast lasting for
five days to all friends and relatives, presents to all the contracting
parties, and great liberality must be shown the Brahmans and priests who
assist in the ceremony. If his new son-in-law is an educated youth, he
will demand a much larger dowry with his bride, in these days when
Western education is meaning so much in the life of the Indian youth. If
he is a “failed B.A.,” he may only demand, we will say, one thousand
rupees from his father-in-law. If he successfully passed his
examinations and is a full B.A., he quite likely would feel that those
letters added to his name were worth at least two thousand rupees; and
if he should by chance be a Doctor of Laws, his demands might be limited
only by the knowledge of the amount of gold the father of his bride has
stored for this emergency.
After the preliminary ceremonies have been concluded and the family
priest has decided upon the most propitious day for the nuptials, the
family begin to make preparations for the wedding. Invitations are taken
to friends and relatives who are within visiting distance by the women
of the household, who make upon the forehead of the invited female guest
the round red caste mark, and leave a small bundle of pan leaves and
betel-nut for the other members of the family. Often a little sandalwood
paste is touched to the chin and between the shoulders by the bearer of
the invitation. Mohammedan ladies send a tiny mica box with a cardamom
seed in it and a piece of confectionery, which is given with the verbal
invitation by the messenger, who must, if possible, be some member of
the family instead of a servant.
In the case of rich people the strong box is opened and the hoarded
rupees brought forth with which to buy the gold and silver jewellery for
both bride and groom, the elaborate wedding garments, and the saris,
which are given as presents to the women guests, and shawls for the men;
the store-rooms are examined to make sure that there is rice in plenty,
also wheat flour, butter, oil of sessaman, peas, vegetables, fruits,
pickles, curries, in fact, all the many foodstuffs necessary in the
preparation of the elaborate feasts which are the main events of the
wedding. Sandalwood powder is bought in great quantities, antimony for
the eyes, incense, the red paste which wives use on the forehead, and
innumerable numbers of the beautiful flower wreaths with which the
guests are garlanded after the entertainments. Plenty of new earthen
dishes are selected from the potters’ store, for these vessels may never
be used the second time.
In the case of the poor man, now is the time when the visits are made to
the moneylender, because, rich or poor, prince or peasant, there must be
no question of stint at this time of rejoicing.
A wedding is a very gorgeous affair, being limited only by the means of
the contracting parties, but it is generally conceded that all Indians,
of whatever class of society they may be members, spend far too much
upon the nuptials of their children.
Each one of the five days has its especial religious rite. One ceremony
typifies the giving of the girl by the father to the husband and the
renunciation of his parental authority. On another day the husband
fastens the tali around his young wife’s neck, which is practically the
same as placing the marriage-ring upon the finger of the new bride. This
tali is a small gold ornament strung on a little cord composed of one
hundred and eight very fine threads closely twisted together and dyed
yellow with saffron. Before tying the tali it is taken to the guests,
both men and women, who bless it. Old ladies whose husbands are alive
are specially requested to bless the tali, in order to insure the couple
a long married life. This symbol of wifehood is tied with three knots,
thus trebly ensuring the marriage tie, and is never to be removed unless
the wearer is so unfortunate as to become a widow, when the cord is cut.
The most unkind thing one woman can say to another is, “May your tali be
cut!”
After the tying of this emblem the newly married couple walk three times
around a lighted fire, which is the ultimate binding of the marriage
contract, for there is no more solemn engagement than that which is
entered into in the presence of fire. Rice is thrown over the pair, and
they throw it upon each other, signalling that they hope to enjoy an
abundance of this world’s goods and a fruitful union. Rice is used at
weddings in nearly all Eastern countries as typifying prosperity and
fruitfulness, and it is perhaps from the Far East that we borrow our
custom of throwing rice upon the newly married pair.
Many Hindu women wear, in addition to the tali, an iron bracelet to
indicate their marriage state. Among the rich it is gilded and,
consequently, not easily distinguished from the many bracelets that
always cover the Indian lady’s arm.
A young Hindu boy is not supposed to chew betel-nut nor put flowers in
his hair until he is married. On the fourth day of the marriage
festivities the groom is given his first betel-nut by his
brother-in-law, and his head is wreathed with flowers. In a few castes
the bride has her left nostril bored on the fifth day of the marriage
and an ornament placed therein. After marriage in some parts of India
the woman wears a streak of red powder in the parting of her hair, and
in practically all provinces she wears the little round mark of wifehood
between the eyes, which, as age comes, is elongated, until gradually, by
the time that children and grandchildren cluster around her knee, the
little red mark has grown into a straight line, losing itself in the
whitening locks. In Mysore and in some of the southern provinces a woman
does not tuck up her dress in the back until she is married. Then an end
of the long sari, which is twisted several times around the body, is
brought from the front to the back and tucked into a belt, forming a
sort of trousers, and incidentally exposing more brown leg than we women
of the Western world think consistent with modesty.
At the final feast the bride and groom eat together from the same leaf
to show their complete union. This is the first and last time that the
wife will eat in company with her husband, if he is an orthodox Hindu
and not imbued with the new Western ideas. Always, in the future, she
will serve him his meal, and after he has finished she will eat with the
other women of the household and the smaller children, using the same
leaf which has done service for her lord and master.
When all the religious rites are finished and the festivities have come
to an end, there is a final procession, when the wife and husband,
gorgeously arrayed in all their jewellery, are carried round the town to
the accompaniment of music, the explosion of fire crackers, the shooting
of rockets, and the shouting of friends. Then, if the bride is still a
child, she returns home with her parents, who keep her secluded until
the time arrives for her to return to her husband’s home and fulfil the
duties of a wife. The day the husband and mother-in-law come to take the
wife to their home is made another time of rejoicing. She remains with
them for a month when she revisits her old home, and often for the first
few years, or until she has children, she lives alternately in her
husband’s house and in that of her parents. If she finds herself
ill-treated by her husband and tormented by her mother-in-law, the young
girl often seeks her father’s home for shelter and protection, and
remains with them until the husband or his mother come in person to
persuade her to return home. Nearly always her family add their
persuasions, if not their force, to compel the wife to return to her
husband’s roof, as it is a great disgrace to all concerned to have a
wife leave her husband. After the children come, the wife rarely leaves
her house and devotes her time and energies to the rearing of the little
ones that fill all homes, from the mansions of the rich to the huts of
the poor peasants. There seem to be more little brown bodies in India
than in any place I have visited, unless I except China, where the
staple articles are rice and babies.
The new wife has to accommodate herself to the customs of her husband’s
family, and much of her future happiness depends upon the women members
of the household. If it is a very aristocratic family, she may have all
the luxuries of life, beautiful gold-embroidered saris, jewels,
servants, and slaves, but very little liberty. There is a saying that
you can tell the degree of a family’s aristocracy by the height of the
windows in the home. The higher the rank, the smaller and higher are the
windows and the more secluded the women. An ordinary lady may walk in
the garden and hear the birds sing and see the flowers. A higher grade
lady may only look at them from her windows, and if she is a very great
lady indeed, this even is forbidden her, as the windows are high up near
the ceiling, merely slits in the wall for the lighting and ventilation
of the room.
There are many rules of etiquette prescribed for the young girl-wife if
she would show that she has been properly trained by her parents. For
example, she must never speak of her husband by name, nor may she use a
word with the same syllable as her husband’s first name. A friend of
mine has a husband whose name begins with the same syllable as that used
in the word sugar. She always speaks of sugar as “the substance you put
in your tea,” and she generally refers to her husband as “he.” Nor would
the man say “my wife,” but “my house,” or some word denoting the home. A
man in Hyderabad met his doctor on the street and said, “I wish you
would come and see me. My house has a boil on its neck.”
This same wife would not sit in the presence of her mother-in-law or her
husband if others were present. It would show extreme lack of respect;
nor would she speak if her husband were in the room. We called upon the
wife of a high official of Bangalore, who came into the room with her
daughter-in-law and her young daughter, an extremely pretty girl. The
daughter-in-law would not sit down in the presence of her husband’s
mother, nor did she speak, and looked extremely awkward and
self-conscious, as she stood with her sari drawn across her mouth and
watched us with her big black eyes. The little daughter played the
veena, the national instrument, and as she sat upon the rug, gorgeously
arrayed in an elaborate red and gold sari, with jewellery on arms, neck,
ankles, toes, and with diamonds in each tiny nostril, she made a picture
never to be forgotten.
In some of the big households where the sons bring their wives to live
beneath the family roof-tree, the married quarters are not large enough
to allow a separate room for each couple, and the women sleep in one
room and the men in another. The mother has the right of assigning the
couples who are to inhabit the married quarters for the week. But even
the eagle eye of the mother-in-law cannot always watch the young people,
and many a girl-wife steals across the courtyard to find her husband,
who is waiting for her in the shadows. A crowd of young men in a school
were asked to give their idea of what was the most beautiful music in
the world. One answered, “The song of the bul-bul,” another, “The
plaintive strains of the zither,” a third, “The cry of the night bird,”
but a young bridegroom said, “The music of my wife’s anklets as she
tries to suppress their sound when she steals to meet me in the
moonlight.”
One is amazed at the amount of jewellery worn by the Indian women, yet
this vanity is not confined solely to the women, as in some of the
provinces nearly every man has a jewel in his ear, and many of them wear
most expensive finger-rings. The women excel in the artistic use of
jewellery that on other people would seem tawdry and barbaric, but on
these dainty little women is most becoming to their rich, dark beauty.
Jewellery is not only worn by the lady, but women of every class are
covered with it. The village woman will have perhaps but one cotton
sari, and her home would be merely a mud hovel, but she will clink as
she walks, and you know she wears silver anklets, and as she moves her
sari to peep at you, you see the glisten of a bracelet. It may be of
brass or it may be of silver, or, if she be very poor, coloured glass
bangles will satisfy her cravings for the beautiful, and her arms will
be covered with these ornaments from the wrist to the elbow.
At a railway-station near Baroda I saw women whose legs to the knee were
covered with huge brass bands that must have been most inconvenient and
heavy to carry. In Poona we stopped to watch a merchant of toe-rings
place his wares upon his patron’s toes which were held out to him for
the purpose. The rings were so tight that soap had to be used to force
them over the twinging toes. The operation was most painful to vanity,
judging from the faces of the victims, but evidently the sight of the
shining ring as they trudged down the dusty road repaid them for the
suffering they had undergone. In this same market were innumerable
booths for the sale of the glass bracelets that are worn by all the
women of India, with the exception of widows. I watched an old woman in
the bangle bazaar working them over the hands of the women who sat on
the ground in front of her, prepared to spend unlimited time in
acquiring these articles of adornment. The purchaser made her choice
from the green or gold or red bangles piled carelessly upon the trays in
front of her, then the bangle-seller squeezed and manipulated the hand,
slowly working, pushing, coaxing the bangle over the hand, until finally
it was on the arm, where evidently it would remain.
My husband and I dined with a Mohammedan who, after dinner, asked me
into the zenana to meet his wife. The bareness of my arms shocked her,
and she insisted upon presenting me with three bracelets for each arm,
working them on so skilfully that it did not pain me, but on arriving at
the hotel I found I could not remove them. I tried to persuade the
Indian servant to break them for me, but he was horrified and said it
would bring me very bad luck, as only widows had them broken on the arm.
I feared I would be compelled to wear them all my life as my husband
would not break them, having overheard the remarks about the widow.
Finally I broke them myself, much to the detriment of my arms, which
carried the scars for many days.
There is an immense amount of money going into India each year that
never gets into circulation, as the gold coins are strung upon chains or
melted to make the bracelets for the women and children. Life could be
made much more comfortable for the Indian peasant if he would turn the
money invested in jewellery for his womenfolk into comforts for the
home.
The Hindu woman has few legal rights. Any property which her husband
wishes to leave her must be given to her in his lifetime, as she cannot
inherit his estate, but she may claim maintenance from his heirs, and if
she should survive her son, she may become his legal heir. The male
relatives are supposed to provide maintenance for the women of the
family.
An outsider looking upon the Hindu home does not see where real union
can possibly exist between a husband and wife. This is especially true
at the present time, when nearly all the better class of India’s sons
are being educated, and are reading, listening, touching hands with the
outside world. The women of the middle and lower classes, except in rare
cases, are practically without education, few being able to read or
write. The signs point to the fact that they will not long remain in
this ignorant state, because the young men are demanding educated wives,
and a desire for education is abroad in the land, although an old
proverb says that to educate a woman is like placing a knife in the
hands of a monkey. The English Government is establishing schools for
girls in every town and village, and in Baroda enforced schooling is
demanded for girls as well as for boys. But because of the early
marriage of the girl, she has little opportunity of becoming a real
companion to her husband, as he may continue his studies for years,
while, when she becomes a wife, her schooldays are over.
I met a gentleman of about fifty years of age in the South of India who
asked me to call upon his wife, a young girl of seventeen years, who
became his bride at the age of twelve. She was not at all what the
average girl of seventeen years would be in England or America. She was
the polite hostess, with no trace of self-consciousness or gaucherie,
graceful in her every movement. She was exquisitely dressed and covered
with jewels. Large diamond clusters were in her ears, diamonds in each
nostril, and around her neck a chain of rubies with a large pendant of
pearls. Her manners were charming, and as we were parting she excused
herself for a moment then returned to the room with a small tray on
which was the red powder for the caste mark, betel-nut, fruit, and a
small bouquet of flowers. She came to each of us and bowed, then with
her right hand made the mark of wifehood upon our foreheads, and handed
us the betel-nut and flowers. This gracious and pretty service is one of
the many little kindly acts that are always performed by the hostess
herself, as it would not be polite to delegate it to a servant.
I was charmed with this dainty little woman, yet I could not help
thinking that she might be a pretty toy, but not a companion to the man
with whom I had been conversing a few hours previous, and in whose
library I had seen Emerson’s “Essays,” Farrar’s “Life of Christ,”
“Pilgrim’s Progress,” the works of Tolstoy, Epictetus, and lying upon
the desk, as if just left by the master, Maeterlinck’s “Life and Death.”
According to the ethical, moral, and religious standards of the Hindus,
man and woman are equal. The Vedas teach—
Before the creation of this phenomenal world, the first born Lord of
all creatures divided his own self in two halves so that one half
should be male and the other half female. Just as the halves of
fruit possess the same nature, the same attributes and the same
properties in equal proportion, so man and woman, being the equal
halves of the same substance, possess equal rights, equal
privileges, and equal power.
This sounds very well in print, and learned Hindus quote us the Vedas to
show that in their country women and men are considered equal. They are
most indignant at the conception by the Western people of the treatment
accorded the Indian woman by her husband. They say that books are filled
with the stories of the brutality of husbands who marry these girl-wives
without love on either side, yet they point out that it is a well-known
fact that there are fewer wife-beaters in India than there are in
England. Manu, the great law-giver, says, “A woman’s body must not be
struck hard even with a flower, because it is sacred.”
In the olden time we are told that women were well versed in the Vedas,
although it is now claimed that they are forbidden to read them or to be
taught their truths. It is known that two of the famous songs of the Rig
Veda were revealed by women, and when Sankaracharya, the great
commentator of the Vedanta, was discussing this philosophy with another
savant, a Hindu lady well versed in the Hindu scriptures was requested
to act as umpire.
Whatever may have been her position in former times, at present there is
no woman on earth who reveals more true attachment and devotion to her
husband than does the Hindu wife. There is a beautiful saying, “Man is
strength, woman is beauty; he is the reason that governs and she is the
wisdom that moderates.”
In the Mahrabarata we find this definition of a woman—
A man’s wife is his truest friend;
A loving wife is a perpetual spring
Of virtue, pleasure, wealth; a faithful
Wife is his best aid in seeking Heavenly bliss.
A sweetly speaking wife is a companion
In solitude, a father in advice,
A mother in all seasons of distress,
A rest in passing through life’s wilderness.