ONE morning early, I threw myself upon my pallet, having first placed my
handkerchief, as usual, under my pillow. Shortly after, falling asleep,
I suddenly woke, and found myself in a state of suffocation; my
persecutors were strangling me, and, on putting my hand to my throat, I
actually found my own handkerchief, all knotted, tied round my neck. I
could have sworn I had never made those knots; yet I must have done this
in my delirium; but as it was then impossible to believe it, I lived in
continual expectation of being strangled. The recollection is still
horrible. They left me at dawn of day; and, resuming my courage, I no
longer felt the least apprehension, and even imagined it would be
impossible they should again return. Yet no sooner did the night set in,
than I was again haunted by them in all their horrors; being made
sensible of their gradual approach by cold shiverings, the loss of all
power, with a species of fascination which riveted both the eye and the
mind. In fact, the more weak and wretched I felt, at night, the greater
were my efforts during the day to appear cheerful in conversing with my
companions, with the two boys at the palace, and with my jailers. No one
to hear my jokes, would have imagined it possible that I was suffering
under the disease I did. I thought to encourage myself by this forced
merriment, but the spectral visions which I laughed at by day became
fearful realities in the hours of darkness.
Had I dared, I should have petitioned the commission to change my
apartment, but the fear of ridicule, in case I should be asked my
reasons, restrained me. No reasonings, no studies, or pursuits, and even
no prayers, were longer of avail, and the idea of being wholly abandoned
by heaven, took possession of my mind.
All those wicked sophisms against a just Providence, which, while in
possession of reason, had appeared to me so vain and impious, now
recurred with redoubled power, in the form of irresistible arguments. I
struggled mightily against this last and greatest evil I had yet borne,
and in the lapse of a few days the temptation fled. Still I refused to
acknowledge the truth and beauty of religion; I quoted the assertions of
the most violent atheists, and those which Julian had so recently dwelt
upon: “Religion serves only to enfeeble the mind,” was one of these, and
I actually presumed that by renouncing my God I should acquire greater
fortitude. Insane idea! I denied God, yet knew not how to deny those
invisible malevolent beings, that appeared to encompass me, and feast
upon my sufferings.
What shall I call this martyrdom? is it enough to say that it was a
disease? or was it a divine chastisement for my pride, to teach me that
without a special illumination I might become as great an unbeliever as
Julian, and still more absurd. However this may be, it pleased God to
deliver me from such evil, when I least expected it. One morning, after
taking my coffee, I was seized with violent sickness, attended with
colic. I imagined that I had been poisoned. After excessive vomiting, I
burst into a strong perspiration and retired to bed. About mid-day I
fell asleep, and continued in a quiet slumber till evening. I awoke in
great surprise at this unexpected repose, and, thinking I should not
sleep again, I got up. On rising I said, “I shall now have more
fortitude to resist my accustomed terrors.” But they returned no more.
I was in ecstasies; I threw myself upon my knees in the fulness of my
heart, and again prayed to my God in spirit and in truth, beseeching
pardon for having denied, during many days, His holy name. It was almost
too much for my newly reviving strength, and while even yet upon my
knees, supporting my head against a chair, I fell into a profound sleep
in that very position.
Some hours afterwards, as I conjectured, I seemed in part to awake, but
no sooner had I stretched my weary limbs upon my rude couch than I slept
till the dawn of day. The same disposition to somnolency continued
through the day, and the next night, I rested as soundly as before. What
was the sort of crisis that had thus taken place? I know not; but I was
perfectly restored.