You may not think so, my dear PUNCHINELLO, but it is true. I have had
them. I am not one of your bloated aristocrats--just at the present
moment--but I know as well as any one what WHITTIER meant when he said
"it might have been." As an instance of this, I will just state that it
has not been a very long time since, in looking over the columns of one
of our principal dailies, I saw something among the personals which
seemed to touch my interests in, a very decided way. I often look over
the "Personals," for I know well the connection between fortune and the
Press. I have not forgotten the success of A.T. STEWART and many other
millionaires, and their dependence on the newspapers--but never until
that day had I seen any thing in that mystic column which could possibly
be construed to apply to inc. As for the rest of the paper, I knew that
there was nothing to interest me there. You see I was after Fortune. The
advertisement to which I refer road as follows:
"If the gentleman in a dark hat and gray pantaloons, who, in a Broadway
stage, one day last week, passed up the fare for a lady with blue eyes
and high-heeled boots, will call at 831 Dash street, second floor, he
will hear of something to his advantage. A.R.R."
Now, it so happened, that during the whole of the preceding week I had
worn a black hat and gray pantaloons; indeed, I had them on yet, and, to
tell the truth, I had no others. Therefore, this part of the case was
all clear enough. There was no reason why the gentleman inquired for
should not be me. I had certainly ridden in a stage in the last week,
and I remember very well that I passed up the fare for lady with blue
eyes. I performed a similar service for several ladies; but one of them,
I am sure, had blue eyes. As to the high-heeled boots I suppose she wore
them, but how was I to know that? At all events it would be a piece of
the most culpable indifference to my welfare to neglect this chance.
Fortune! and through a lady, too! To think of it! The promised advantage
might be great or small, but whatever it was, it would be most welcome.
And the honor, too! A piece of positive advantage for an act of manly
gallantry!
I immediately put on that black hat, and with those identical gray
trowsers upon my legs, I strode down to 321 Dash street, and mounted
instantly to the second floor. As there was but one entrance door from
the stair-way on this floor, I felt certain that I had found the right
place.
The business of Mr. A.R.R. was evidently a very profitable one, for his
room was quite full of people. I inquired of a boy for the author of the
notice I held in my hand, (I had carefully cut it from the paper,) and
was informed that this was the right place, and that the gentleman would
see me in a few moments. I took a seat and regarded the persons who were
standing and sitting about the room. They were all men, and in a few
minutes I discovered, to my great surprise, that they all wore black
hats and gray pantaloons!
I must admit, that when I made this discovery, I experienced a very
peculiar sensation, as if some one had suddenly dropped a little
ice-water down my back. Was it possible that all these men were here in
answer to that advertisement, which I considered addressed to me alone?
There were all sorts of them; old gentlemen with heads grayer than their
pants; young fellows who looked like clerks; and middle-aged men, who
seemed like very respectable heads of families. Was it possible that
each one of those individuals had, in the last week, passed up the fare
of a blue-eyed lady with high-heeled boots? And did each one of them
expect to enjoy that advantage for which I came here? One thing was
certain; they did not announce to each other their business, but looked
at their watches and tapped their boots, and knitted their brows as if
each one of them had come on very particular business, which had nothing
to do with the affairs of the general crowd. But all those gray
trowsers! There was no concealing them.
A door, leading into an adjoining room, now opened quickly, and Mr.
A.R.R. made his appearance. No one doubted that he was the man, for he
bowed politely, and seemed to expect the company. He was a tall, thin,
and well-dressed man, and held in his hand a small package. Instantly
upon his appearance every man in the room stuck his thumb and forefinger
into his vest pocket, and pulling out a little piece of printed paper,
said, "Sir, I called--" A.R.R. waved his hand.
"Gentlemen," said he, "I know why you called, and you will allow me to
remark--"
"But look here," said a tall man with a blue cravat. "I think that I am
the person you want to see, and as I am in a hurry, I would like to see
you for a few minutes in private."
Dozens of angry eyes were now directed upon this presumptuous
individual, and dozens of angry voices were about to break forth when
the benign A.R.R. again waved his hand.
"Gentlemen," said he, "I wish to see you all. No one more than another.
I have reason to believe that every one of you is the person to whom
that advertisement referred. I see you are all gentlemen, and you would
not have made your appearance here had you not fulfilled the conditions
mentioned in the paper."
Here was a smothered hum, which seemed to precede a general outbreak,
but A.R.R., blandly smiling, continued:
"Gentlemen, do not become impatient. What I have to say is to the
advantage of every one of you. You all move in good society--I can see
that--and you therefore are well aware of some of the penalties of
social pleasures and high living. Consequently, gentlemen," and now he
spoke very fast, as if fearful of interruption, "you must have, all of
you, experienced some of the evils of indigestion, and it is to relieve
these that I have prepared my Binocular Barberry Bitters--"
A roar of rage here broke forth from every man of us, and a rush was
made towards the smiling impostor, but he quickly slipped through the
door behind him, and locked it in our faces. And then, before we could
rush from the room where we had been so shamefully duped, the head of
A.R.R. appeared at a little window in the partition-wall, and he called
out:
"Gentlemen, this mixture is, as my initials declare, a Radical Relief,
and retails at one dollar per bottle, I hope you will take some of my
circulars home with you," and he threw among the crowd the package of
circulars which he had held in his hand.
This, O friend PUNCHINELLO, was only one of my Glimpses of Fortune. I
may yet see the jade more nearly. IMPECUNE.
* * * * *
Query.
Under the conditions of the Fifteenth Amendment, should things continue
to be put down in Black and White?
* * * * *
[Illustration:
"COMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS."
_Fond Mother._ "YES, HE'S A PRETTY GOOD BOY, BUT HE DON'T
TAKE TO HIS LETTERS."
_Squire._ "WELL, HE OUGHTER, FOR HIS MOUTH IS LIKE THE
SLIT OF A POST-OFFICE BOX."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A TABLEAU OF THE DAY.
GENERAL DANA, WHO HAS BROUGHT THE FIRE OF THE "SUN" TO BEAR UPON EVERY
BODY, NOW BEGINS TO REALIZE THE FORCE OF THE PROVERB--"FOLKS WHO LIVE IN
GLASS HOUSES SHOULD NOT THROW STONES."]
* * * * *