After this, George being in Cornwall about some business where he
chanced to run short of money, and not knowing what to do, being
acquainted with none in that country, and knowing his landlord to
be loyal to the government, and a great favourite to the king his
master; takes a piece of brick, and brays it to a small powder
mixed with a little chalk, so that it might seem, in colour, like
arsenick which is strong poison; then tying it up in papers,
writing on this direction, the strongest poison for the king, and
on another paper, the slower poison for the queen. Out he goes on
purpose, and leaves the papers lying on a table, where he knew they
would be looking at them; the landlord perceived the direction;
so in comes George in a great haste, and calls out, O landlord,
did you see two small bundles I have lost, and I know not what I
shall do, for it was my main business to take them to London.--O!
you murdering rogue! cries the landlord, I’ll have you hanged for
what you intend. George at this made off, and was going to fly for
it, but the landlord called for assistance; so he was apprehended,
and made prisoner of state, and carried him to London by a troop
of horse; when the people there began to know him, and tell what
he was, his guard slipt away shamefully, and left him; so George
thanked them for their good company and save convoy.
There was a law made against wearing swords at balls and
assemblies, in the reign of King James VI. because they were
inconvenient on these occasion; but George, to be witty on the
act, provided himself with a very long scabbard, and got himself
introduced to a ball, where the king and his court were present;
George made several turns through the company, making his scabbard
hit against their shins, and sometimes slipt it below a lady’s
fardingale; and, in short, molested the company so much, that he
was taken notice of, and seized as a person who had incurred the
penalties of the act aforesaid. But George excused himself, telling
them, that the law was only against swords, and as he only wore
a scabbard, was no ways liable. At seeing this, the king and his
court were convinced that the law was imperfect, and that George
had more wit than themselves.
George, one day easing himself at the corner of a hedge, was espied
by an English ’squire, who began to mock him, asking him, Why did
he not keckle like the hens? But George whose wit was always ready,
told him, He was afraid to keckle lest he would come and snatch up
the egg. Which rebuff made the ’squire walk off as mute as a fish.
George was professor of the College of St. Andrews, and slipt out
one day in his gown and slippers, and went to his travels through
Italy, and several other foreign countries; and after seven years,
returned with the same dress he went off in; entered the college,
and took a possession of his seat there; but the professor in his
room quarrelled him for so doing. Ay, says George, it is a very
odd thing that a man cannot take a walk out in his slippers, but
another will take up his seat; and so set the other professor about
his business.
George was met one day by three bishops, who paid him the following
compliments. Says the first, Good day, father Abraham; says the
second, Good day, father Isaac; says the third, Good day, father
Jacob. To which he replied, I’m neither father Abraham, father
Isaac, nor father Jacob; but I am Saul, the son of Kish, sent out
to seek my father’s asses, and lo! I have found three of them.
Which answer convinced the bishops that they had mistaken their
man.[202]
A poor Scotsman dined one day at a public house in London upon
eggs, and not having money to pay, got credit till he should
return. The man being lucky in trade, acquired vast riches, and
after some years returned, and calling at the house where he
was owing his dinner of eggs, asked the landlord what he had to
pay for his dinner of eggs he had got from him such a time? The
landlord seeing him now rich, gave him a bill of some hundred
pounds; telling him, as his reason for so extravagant a charge,
that these eggs, had they been hatched, would have been chickens;
and these laying more eggs, would have been more chickens; and
so on, multiplying the eggs and their product till such time as
their value amounted to the sum he charged. The man refusing to
comply with his demand, was charged before a judge; but mean
time, made the matter known to George Buchanan his countryman,
who promised to appear in the hour of cause, which he accordingly
did, all in a sweat, with a great basket of boil’d pease: which
appearance surprised the judge, who asked him, what he meant by
these boil’d peas? Says George, I am going to sow them. When will
these grow? says the judge: They will grow when sodden eggs grow
chickens. Which answer convinced the judge of the extravagance of
the Englishman’s demand, and the Scotsman was assoilized on paying
twopence halfpenny.
There was a bell at Dalkieth, which the Popish clergy made use of
to extort confessions from the ignorant people, in the following
manner: They told the persons whom they suspected guilty, that the
bell would rive at the touch of a guilty person, but if not guilty,
it would not; by this means they generally frightened the ignorant
into confessions; for if the bell would rive, the person was then
to be condemned to death; but they magnified the matter so, that
the bell was never put to the trial, till George did as follows: he
was taken up for saying, that the pope was fallible himself, and
could not pardon the sins of others. George owned he said so, but
would refer to the bell whether he was guilty or not. The priests,
though unwilling, were obliged to comply. George touched the bell,
repeating as before, The Pope is fallible, and cannot pardon sin,
moreover added, The Pope and Popish clergy are impostors; and
thereupon touched the bell, referring to it for the truth; but the
bell not renting, the priests were disgraced as impostors, and he
was honourably acquited, and the bell was laid aside.
George desired a member of the College of St. Andrews to lend him
a book: the other told him, he could not possibly spare it out of
his chamber, but if he pleased he might come there and read all the
day long. Some time after the gentleman sends to George to borrow
his bellows; but he sent him word, he could not possibly spare them
out of his chamber, but he might come there and blow all the day if
he would.[203]
A scholar at the grammar school of St. Andrews, coming into a room
where the master had laid down a basket of cherries for his own
eating, the waggish boy takes it up, and cries aloud, I publish the
banns between these cherries and my mouth, if any know any just
cause or impediment, why these two should not be joined together,
let them declare it. The master being in the next room, overheard
all that was said; and, coming into the school, he ordered the
boy who had eaten his cherries to be taken up, or, as he called
it, horsed on another boy’s back: but before he proceeded to the
usual discipline, he cries out aloud, as the delinquent had done, I
publish the banns between this boy’s breeches and my taws: if any
one knows any just cause or impediment why these two should not be
joined together, let them declare it. George passing by in the mean
time, overheard this proclamation; I forbid the banns, cried he.
Why so, says the schoolmaster? Because the parties are not agreed,
replied he. Which answer so pleased the master, that the boy was
set down without any punishment.
A young gentleman that wanted to be witty on the scriptures, eating
some cheese full of mites, one night at a tavern; now, said he, I
have done as much as Sampson, for I have slain my thousands and ten
thousands. Yes, replied George, who happened to be in his company,
and with the same weapon too, the jaw-bone of an ass; which answer
set the whole company a laughing to see the young gentleman beat
with his own weapon.
George being in company where three bishops were present at dinner,
they knowing George to be a great scholar, and comical withal, they
put upon him to say the grace, which he did as follows:
Here are three brethren of the coat,
Who for thy blessings thank thee not,
Curse them, Lord, and bless them not. Amen.
Fall on gentlemen, the cause is good. This grace made the bishops
look like fools to one another, while George laughed heartily at
the confusion they were in.
A candle maker having had some candles stole, was telling it in a
company where George was present, who bade him be of good cheer,
for in a short time says he, I am assured they will come to light.
George being sent to Paris about some business, went from thence to
Versailles, to see the French king’s court: and being known there
to several of the courtiers, who had been at the English court, one
of them took occasion to tell the French King, that George was one
of the wittiest men in England; upon which the French King desired
to see him, which he did; but George, it seems, was out of humour,
or at least seemingly so, he spoke but very little to the purpose;
so that the French King told the nobleman that had commended him
for such a wit, that he looked upon him as a very dull fellow; but
the nobleman assured the King that whatever he thought of him,
George was a very witty and ingenious man: whereupon the King
was resolved to make further trial of him, and took him into a
great gallery, where there were abundance of fine pictures; and,
among the rest, shewed him a picture of Christ on the cross, and
asked him, If he knew who that was? but George made himself very
ignorant, and answered, no; Why, says the King, I’ll tell you, if
you don’t know; this is the picture of our Saviour on the cross,
and that on the right is the Pope’s, and that on the left is my
own. Whereupon George replied, I humbly thank your majesty for
the information, for though I have often heard that our Saviour
was crucified between two thieves, yet I never knew who they were
before.
A sharper who had acquired vast riches by cheating, told George,
that if such a thing as a good name was to be purchased, he would
freely give ten thousand pounds for one. Sir, said George, it would
certainly be the worst money you ever laid out in your life. Why
so? said the sharper; because answered he, you will lose it again
in less than a week.
One asked George, why men always made suit to the women, and the
women never to the men? Why, says he, because the women are always
ready for the men, but the men are not always ready for the women.
George went into the mint one day, when they were melting gold,
one of them asked George, if he would have his hat full of gold?
George readily accepted, but it burnt the bottom out of his hat,
as they knew it would, and for that bout they fooled George.
However George, to be up with them, bought a fine large hat, and
caused a plate of copper to be put betwixt the hat and the lining,
and returned next day, they jestingly asked him if he would have
another hatful of gold? he said he would; they gave it red hot, and
now George laughed at them in his turn, telling them, that this
new hat was a good one, and stood fire better than the old one;
and so carried it off honestly; and being afterwards prosecute for
to return it, he excused himself, telling the judge, that he took
nothing but what was given him; and therefore he was honourably
acquitted, and the others heartily laughed at.
In the reign of king James the Sixth, George dining one day with
the Lord Mayor, after two or three healths the ministry was tossed;
but when it came to George’s turn to drink he diverted it some
time by telling a story to the person who sat next him; the chief
magistrate not seeing his toast go round, called out, What sticks
the ministry at? At nothing, cries George, and so drank off his
glass.
George being one day along with the king and his nobles a-hunting,
and being but very sorrily mounted; when he was spurring up his
horse, he observed the horse have a trick of falling down on his
knees. George immediately thought how he should make use of that
very thing to divert his Majesty; therefore pretended that his
horse could set hares, and knowing some hare-seats, rode that way,
to show the truth of what he affirmed; and when he had found the
hare, by giving his horse a spur, he immediately clapped down;
this he repeated several times, till he put the whole company in
belief that what he said was true; and one of the noblemen being
charmed with the performance of George’s horse, would have George
to change with him; George seemed, at first, unwilling to part with
his horse; but at last was prevailed upon to part with him for the
nobleman’s horse, and a hundred guineas to boot. But afterwards
riding thro’ a pretty deep river, the nobleman spurring his new
horse, he clapped down on his belly; which George seeing, called
out to the company to return with the dogs, for the nobleman’s
horse had certainly set a hare: which set the whole company
a-laughing. The poor nobleman was obliged to leave his horse set in
the water, and waded through on foot, all wet to the shoulders.[204]
A Scotsman being reduced to poverty, made his court to George to
put him in a way; George told him he would, provided he would
do as he directed him. There was an old miser, an usurer and
money-changer hard by; George ordered the poor fellow to pretend an
errand to the miser, and when he came to the table where the heaps
of money lay, to thrust his hand among the gold, but to lift none,
and run off. This the poor fellow did, and was chased by the miser
and his servants, who ran after him into the street, calling stop
the thief; the poor fellow was stopt, (as George had desired him
to let them catch him). George appeared in the mob, and went along
with the poor fellow, who was carried before a judge, where he was
searched; and nothing being found upon him, he was acquitted, and
the miser fined in a large sum for accusing him. Afterwards George
desired him to go to the same place, and thrust in both his hands,
and lift up as much as he could and run off. This he did, but the
miser told him, he was not such a fool as to follow him, for he
knew he only desired to play the fool to have him fined again.
By this means the poor fellow was enriched, and afterwards lived
honestly.
George being at dinner one day, where the broth was very hot, burnt
his mouth, and at the same time letting go a loud fart; It is very
good for you, says George, that you made your escape, for I should
have burnt you alive had you staid.