George happened one night to be in company with a Bishop, and so
they fell to argumenting anent religion,[198] wherein George got
the better of him, and the Bishop found himself he was wrong; then
one of the company addressed himself to George in these words, thou
Scot, said he, ought not have left the country; For what, says
George? Because thou hast brought all the knowledge that is in it
along with thee. No, no, says George, the shepherds in Scotland
will argument with any Bishop in England, and exceed them mighty
far in knowledge. The English clergy took this as a great affront,
and several noblemen affirmed it to be as George had said. Wagers
were laid thereon, and three of the English clergy were chosen and
sent away to Scotland to dispute it with the shepherds, accompanied
with several gentlemen who were to bear witness of what they heard
pass between them. Now George knowing what way they were gone, took
another road, and came into the Scots bounds before them, made up
his acquaintance with a shepherd at the border, whose pasture lay
hard by the way side, where the clergymen were to pass; and here
George mounted himself in a shepherd’s dress, and when he saw the
clergymen coming, he conveyed his flock to the road side, and fell
a singing a latin song; and so, to begin the quarrel, one of them
asked him, in French, What o’clock it was? To which he answered in
Hebrew, It is directly about the time of the day it was yesterday
at this time. Another asked him in Greek, What countryman he was?
To which he answered in Flemish, If you knew that, you would be as
wise as myself. A third asked him in Dutch, Where was you educate?
To which he answered in Earse, herding my sheep between this and
Lochaber. This, they begged him to explain in English, which he
accordingly did. Now, said they one to another, we need not go
any farther, What, says George, are you butchers? I’ll sell you a
few sheep. To this they made no answer, but went away shamefully,
swearing that the Scots had gone through all the nations in the
world to learn their language, or the devil had taught them it, for
we have no share here but shame.
After that George had ended the dispute with the English clergymen,
he stript of his shepherd’s dress, and up through England with all
the haste imaginable, so that he arrived at the place from whence
they set out, three days before them, and went every day asking if
they were come, so that he might not be suspected. Now, upon their
arrival, all that were concerned in the matter, and many more, to
hear what news from the Scots shepherds, came crowding in, to know
what was done. No sooner had the three gentlemen declared what
was past between the clergymen and the shepherds, whom they found
on the Scots border, but the old bishop made answer, and think
you, said he, that a shepherd could answer these questions? It has
been none else but the devil, for the Scots ministers themselves
could not do it; they are but ignorant of such matters; a parcel
of beardless boys. Then George thought it was time to take speech
in hand. Well, my lord bishop, says he, you call them a parcel of
ignorant beardless boys, you have a great long beard yourself, my
lord bishop, and if the grace of God were measured by beards, you
bishops, and the goats will have it all, and that will be quite
averse to scripture. What, says the bishop, are you a Scot? Yes,
says George, I am a Scot: Well, says the bishop, and what is the
difference between a Scot and a sot? Nothing at present, says
George, but the breadth of the table, there being a table betwixt
the bishop and George; so the bishop went off in a high passion,
while the whole multitude were like to split their jaws with
laughter.[199]
About this time there was an act of parliament for the benefit
of murderers, that any person if they committed murder, if they
forfeited 500 merks, which went under the name of Kin Boot,[200]
because so much of this fine went to the murdered person’s nearest
relation, as the price of blood, the murderer got a remit. Now
George knowing this to be contrary to Moses’ laws, was very much
grieved to see many pardons sealed with the king’s hand for murder,
almost one every week; it being so usual for the king to subscribe
them, that he would not read them, nor enquire what they were: for
which cause George writes a right to the crown, and sent it to the
king to be subscribed, which he actually did, and never looking
what it was, returned it to George; no sooner had he received it,
but he goes to the king, and told him it was not time for him now
to be sitting there, whereat the king, greatly amazed, started up,
then George in great haste sets himself down on the king’s chair,
forthwith declaring himself king, saying, You who was king must be
my fool, for I am now the wisest man. The king at this was greatly
offended, until George shewed him his seal and superscription; but,
from that day forth the king knew what he subscribed.
The next pardon that came to be sealed by the king, was to a
gentleman who had killed two men before, and had gotten pardons for
them by money. This being the third, the king looked very silent in
looking over the petition, George, standing by, asked the king what
he was going to seal now? To which he answered, It is a remit for a
man who had killed three men at sundry times, I gave him two remits
before. O! says George, he has killed but one man; and who killed
the other two? says the king; you did, says George, for if you had
given him justice when he had killed the first, he had killed no
more. When the king heard these words, he threw down the pen, and
declared that such an act, to save a murderer, shall be null ever
after by him.
One day after this, George having no money, he goes away and gets a
pick and spade, and then falls a digging at a corner of the king’s
palace, which the king perceiving from his window, calls what he
was wanting there? are you going to undermine my house, and make
it fall? No, my sovereign, said he, but it is verily reported that
there is plenty of money about this house, and where can it be? I
cannot find it; for it is not within the house to do me service,
then surely it must be below it. O George that is a crave after the
new fashion: What money you want I’ll order it for you. Then, my
sovereign, I’ll dig no more.
One time after this George being in the country, he came to an inn
where he alighted to refresh himself and his horse; the innkeeper
charged him double price for every thing he called for; George
never grumbled at this, but gave him all his demands, and away he
goes on his journey; and where he quartered the night following,
he was used after the same manner, if not worse. Now George having
little farther to go, he returned the next day, and came that night
to the inn where he refreshed himself the day before; so when he
alighted, the boy asking him, sir, what shall I give your horse?
What you will, boy, says George. No sooner had he gone into his
room, but the drawer asked him, What will you have to drink, sir.
What you will, says George. The master of the inn came into his
room before supper, asking him, What will you have for supper,
sir? What you will, landlord, says George. Now after supper being
ended, and a hearty bowl to put all over, George went to bed, and
got up pretty early in the morning, he called for the boy to make
ready his horse in all haste, for he designed to mount him and go
directly: so in a short time he went into the stable where the boy
was, calling for his horse, when he mounting him with all the speed
he could, and giving the boy a piece of money, saying, here, my
boy, this is for your taking care of my horse, I have paid for all
I called for in the house, and off he goes. Now, about mid day,
he alighted again at an inn to refresh himself and his horse, and
there he chanced to be in company with his other landlord, where he
was the night before, and charged him with the double reckoning, so
George addressed himself to him as follows: Sir, says George, I do
believe I was in your house yesternight. Oh yes, sir, I mind of you
pretty well; and where was you last night? Last night! says George,
I was in one of the finest inns, and the civilest landlord I ever
had in my life; they brought all things that I stood in need of
unto me without calling for it, and when I came off this morning,
they charged me nothing, and I paid nothing but sixpence to the boy
for dressing my horse. Blood and wounds, said the old fellow, then
I’ll go there this night. Ay, says George, do; and mind this, when
they ask you what you will have for your horse, answer nothing, but
what you will, sir. Now George smiled within himself, to think how
he had got the one extortioner to take amends of the other. So the
foresaid innkeeper rode that night until many of the people of the
inn were gone to bed before he came. No sooner was he alighted from
his horse, than the boy asked him, What shall I give to your horse,
master? To which he answered, What you will, boy. The boy hearing
this, he runs away (leaving him and his horse to stand at the
door), up stairs to his master’s room, crying, Master, Master, What
you will is come again? O the rogue, cries he, where is he? I’ll
cane him, I’ll what you will him by and by, and to him he runs with
his cane, licks and kicks him until he was scarce able to mount his
horse, and would give him no entertainment there; which caused him
to ride the whole length of a cold winter night, after he had got
his bones all beat and bruised. So the one pursued the other as a
murderer; and his defence was, that he was a cheat and a scorner of
his house, until the truth was found out.
About this time the French king sent and demanded from the king of
England three men of different qualities; the first was to be a
mighty strong man, the other a very wise man, and the third a great
fool: so that he might have none in all France to match them in
their stations. So accordingly there were two men chosen, the one
a strong man, and the other a wise man, but George was to act as a
fool: nevertheless, he was the teacher of the other two. On their
way to France, George asked the strong man, what will you answer
the French king, if he ask if you be a strong man? I’ll say I am.
Then, says George, he’ll possibly get a stronger man than you, who
may kill you and affront your country. What shall I say then? said
the strong man. Why, says George, tell him you are strong enough
untried. Then, says George to the wise man, and what will you say
to the king, when he asks if you are a wise man? I’ll tell him
I am, and answer him all the questions I know. Very well, says
George, and what if he ask you what you do not know, then you’ll
affront your country, and be looked upon as a greater fool than
me. What shall I answer then? said the wise man. Why, says George,
tell him, he is only a wise man that can take care of himself;
and I shall come in after you, and take care of you all together.
No sooner were they arrived at the king’s palace, than the king
sent for them to try them. The strong man being first called for,
he goes; then the king asked him, Are you a strong man? to which
he answered, O king, I am strong enough untried; very good, said
the king. After him entered the wise man, to whom the king put
the question, sir, are you a wise man? to which he answered, He
is only a wise man who can take care of himself: very good, says
the king. With that George pushed up the door, and in he goes with
loud laughter, pisses directly in the king’s face, which blinded
both his eyes, and put the whole court in amaze. Now, now, says the
king, it is true enough what the Wise man says, for if I had taken
care of myself, I need not have been pissed upon by the English
fool. O no, says George, fools always strive to make fools of
others, but Wise men make fools of themselves. The king imagined as
much as he was made the greatest fool, and charged them forthwith
to go home, for he wanted no more of England’s strength, wisdom, or
folly.
One night after this, a Highland drover chanced to have a drinking
bout with an English captain of a ship, and at last the English
captain and him came to be very hearty over their cup; so that
they called in their servants to have a share of their liquor; the
drover’s servant looked like a wild man, going without breeches,
stockings or shoes, not so much as a bonnet on his head, with a
long peel’d rung in his hand. The captain asked him how long it was
since he catched him? it is about two years since I haul’d him out
of the sea with a net, and afterwards he ran into the mountains,
where I catched him with a pack of hounds. The captain believed it
was so; but, says he, I have a servant the best swimmer in Europe.
O but, says the drover, my servant will swim him to death. No,
says the captain, I’ll lay 200 guineas[201] on it. Then says the
drover, I hold it one for one, and stakes it directly, the day
being appointed when the trial was to be made. Now, the drover,
when he came to himself, thinking on what a bargain he had made,
did not know what to do, knowing very well his servant could swim
none. He hearing of George, being in town, who was always a good
friend to a Scotsman; he went unto him, and told him the whole
story, and that he would be entirely broke, and durst never return
to his own country, for he was sure to lose it. Now George called
the drover and his servant aside, and instructed them how to bring
him off with safety, and gain too; so accordingly they met at the
place appointed; the captain’s servant stripped directly, and
threw himself into the sea, taking a turn until the highlandman
was ready, for the drover took some time to put his servant in
order: after he was stripped, his master took his plaid, and rolled
a kebbock of cheese, a big loaf, and a bottle of gin in it, and
this he bound on his shoulders, giving him a direction to tell his
wife and children that he was well; to be sure he returned with an
answer against that day se’ennight. So as he went into the sea, he
looked back to his master, and call’d out to him for his claymore.
And, what waits he for now? says he who was to swim along with him.
He wants his sword, says his master; his sword! says the fellow,
what is he to do with a sword? Why, says his master, if he meets
with a Whale or a monstrous beast, it is to defend his life; I
know he’ll have to fight his way through the north seas, e’er he
go to Lochaber. Then, cries the other, I’ll swim none with him, if
he takes his sword. Ay, but, says the master, you shall, or lose
the wager; take you another sword with you. No, says the fellow,
I never did swim with a sword, nor any man else, that ever I saw
or heard of; I know not but that wild man will kill me in the deep
water; I would not for the whole world venture myself with him and
a sword. The captain seeing his servant afraid to venture, or if
he did, he would never see him again alive; therefore, he desired
an agreement with the drover, who at first seemed unwilling; but
the captain put it in his will, the drover quit him for an hundred
guineas. This he came to through George’s advice.