[Footnote: Collier, p. 199.] Not I, truly, I had no such intention upon
my word; I brought the Ass in, and _Dogget_ upon him, only to make the
Audience laugh at his figure at the end of the Play, as well as they had
at the beginning; but I believe if I had put an _Absolver_ upon his
back, giving him a Blessing, it would have been more divertive by half;
but let him alone, the next horrible Crime is, I meddle with Churchmen,
and there my _malice makes me_, he says, _lay about me like a Knight
Errant_; [Footnote: Collier, p. 200.] but I believe I shall prove, for
all the modesty he pretends to, that his malice is more in reference to
Poets, than ever mine was to Churchmen. Well, my Second Part begins, he
says, with _Devil's being brought upon the Stage_, who cries, _As he
hopes to be sav'd; and _Sancho_ warrants him a good Christian._ Now this
is a ridiculous mistake, for this Devil is only a Butler, and a Jest of
his _Giants_, the witty Author of the History of _Don Quixot_, where one
of the Duke's Servants acting a Devils Part to fright the Knight and
Squire, blunders it out before he is aware, and _Sancho _hearing it, as
foolishly replies. This would be humorously witty now with any one but
our Critick; but he's resolv'd to see double, as he does presently again
with my _deep-mouth'd swearing_ which he says is frequent, tho he has
quoted none on't, and therefore the Reader is not oblig'd to believe
him. But then I have made the _Curate _Perez_ assist at the ridiculous
Ceremony of _Don Quixot_;_ I have so--what then?--but I have made him
_have wit enough_, however, to know _Don Quixot_ for a Madman; but then
_Sancho_, by way of Proverb, tells him, _Ah--Consider dear Sir, no Man
is born wise_: to which briskly replies the Doctor, _What if he were
born wise, he might be bred a Fool_. [Footnote: Collier, Ibid.] Faith,
no Doctor: and to be free with ye, (_en Raillere_) as you have been with
me, must beg leave to tell ye, If you had been born wise enough to be
a Reformer, your Breeding could never have made ye Fool enough to be
an Absolver; I mean in a Case like you know what; but let us proceed.
The next is a swinger, and his Lash cuts even to the blood: for here
_Sancho_, full of innocent simplicity, says, _A Bishop is no more than
another Man, without Grace and good Breeding_. To which he presently
darts out, _I must needs say, if the Poet had any share of either of
these Qualities, he would be less bold with his Superiors, and not give
his Clowns the liberty to Droll thus heavily upon a solemn Character_.
[Footnote: Ibid.] Why, faith, now this is very hard, I have known a
Country Wench name a _Bishop_ in the Burning-too of a Hasty-Pudding,
and never heard that any of the Reverend took it ill, because it was
a Common Saying, and below their notice. But poor _Sancbo_, or rather
indeed _Sancho_'s Poet, my self, must be corrected for it, tho the
Phrase be Moral, and no more than an honest truth: But come, since it
must be so, let me ask the doctor why he does not shew me an example
for this himself, and Practice better before he Accuses; for let the
Reader look into his _Desertion Discuss'd_ (for he shall find that I
have trac'd him through all his Writings), and page the 3d you will
find him, I think, somewhat more guilty of this fault than I have been,
for there you'll see he insolently affirms, _That the Succession cannot
be interrupted by an Act of Parliament, especially when the Royal Assent
is given by a King _de Facto_, and not _de Jure_. [Footnote: _Desertion
Discuss'd_, Anno 1688.] And again; tho this next is hinted covertly,
with the meaning disguis'd, yet Sir _William Temple_ in his Memoirs,
page 295, and the aforesaid Vindicater of the Stage, as well as my self,
have observed, that the _Absolver_ in the first Volume of his Essays,
page 120, in his Chapter of the _A..._ tells us, _Whether the honesty or
dishonesty are discernable in the face, is a question which admits of
dispute; King _Charles_ the Second thought he could depend upon these
Observations, but with submission, I believe an instance might be
given, in which his Rules of Physiognomy fail'd_ [Footnote: _Essays_,
p.120.]. Now I'm sure the first is insolently plain, and the next shews
enough to let us into his meaning; which granted, I think I may say, he
ought to be less bold with his Superiors too, and not give himself the
liberty to treat at this rate, not only a Solemn, but a _Royal
Character_. Well, the next is, I, (naming me) take care to tell ye, that
_Sancho_ is _a dry shrewd Countryfellow_ in his Character, _because he
blunders out Proverbs upon all occasions, tho never so far from the
purpose_--and merrily drolls upon me for making blundering and talking
nothing to the purpose, an argument of shrewdness--Why truly, I must
confess to the Doctor, there is no great matter in that Argument, and
not much whither there be or no--But, as unperforming as I am, I fancy I
shall find as great a Blunder in his performance presently-- _We ought
to be just in our Looks, as well as in our Actions_, says he in his
Essays, _for the mind may be declar'd one way no less than the other:
A man might as good break his Word as his Face, especially upon some
Critical occasions_ [Footnote: Essays p. 118.]. Now what he means by a
mans breaking his Face there, unless he is to run his Nose against a
Post, I can't imagine; and therefore will set it down for a Blunder--And
so there's Tit for Tat, and the Dice in my hand still. But poor _Sancho_
is horribly unfortunate agen, for by and by he catches him answering the
Curate, who threatens him for calling him Finisher of Fornication, and
Conjunction Copulative, with Excommunication, _I care not if you do,
says Sancho, I shall lose nothing by it but my Nap in an afternoon_
[Footnote: Collier, p. 201.]. Why truly this might be thought a little
sawcy from one in Trowsers, to one in a Cassock, especially as the
Reformer would have him reverenc'd. But perhaps this Pragmatical Curate
_Perez_ was some _Non-Juror_, and poor _Sancho_ did not think he should
profit by his Doctrine; and then the honest fellow was much in the
right. This puts me in mind of a passage in one of Mr _Crown_'s
Comedies, where a surly Joyner is rallying with a Doctor of no very
good Reputation too; _Sirrah, Sirrah, says the Doctor, I shall have
your Ears--No, No, says _Chizzel_, never when you preach, Doctor_.
Our Absolver may apply this now as he pleases.
And here are a bundle of faults together--_Jodolet_, another Priest, is
call'd holy Cormorant [Footnote: Ibid.], only because he eats a Turkey,
and drinks a Bottle or two of Malaga for his Breakfast; and the Poet is
jerk'd because a gormandizing _Romish_ Priest is call'd a Pimp agen; and
the Duke's Steward, _Manuel_, is no _witty pleasant fellow_, because he
calls the Chaplain, whom I mentioned in the beginning of my Preface, and
who is, no doubt, the sole occasion of this Gentleman's Pique to me--Mr
_Cuff-cushion_; and because having an insight into his Character, he
tells him, _a Whore is a Pulpit be loves_ [Footnote: Ibid.]; but my hope
is, that my Reader will think him no fool for this, tho the Carper does,
who then tells the Chaplain _Saygrace_, _and he supposes prays to God
to bless the entertainment of the Devil_, tho there is not a word of
a Grace spoke at all; and after, when he grows hot, positive, and
impertinent, which the Duke his patron being at Table, only bears with,
to divert himself, he insolently calls _Don Quixot_, Don Coxcomb, who
justly enrag'd, returns him in this Language:
Oh thou vile black Fox, with a Firebrand in thy Tail, thou very
priest, thou kindler of all Mischiefs in all Nations, de'e hear,
Homily, did not the reverence I bear these Nobles--I would so thrum
your Cassock, you Church Vermin-- [Footnote: Collier, p. 202.]
Here now, to shew his Justice he slily stops and gives a dash, so
makes it Nonsense, but I shall make bold to piece it out again. _Did
not the reverence I bear these Nobles, tye up my hands from doing myself
Justice, I would so thrum your Cassock you Church Vermin_--Now, because
my Reader shall find that I have naturally pursu'd the character of this
Chaplain, as _Don Quixot_'s Historian has presented him to me, you shall
hear what account he gives of him. Here is, says he,
a good Character of a poor Pedant; one of them that govern great
men's Houses, one of those, that as they are not born Noble, so they
know not how to instruct those that are; one of those, that would
have great men's Liberality measur'd by the streightness of their
own Minds; one of those, that teaching those they govern to be
frugal, would make 'em miserable. [Footnote: Shelton's _Translation
of the History of _D. Quix._ Chap._ 31. p. 152.]
Now this considerable person as you find him here, who was indeed for
his senseless humour of designing to govern--us'd no otherwise than as
the Buffoon of the Family--takes upon him to call _Don Quixot_ (whom the
Authour imbellishes, with all manner of learning and good sense, bating
his whimsical Chimæra of Knight Errantry,) _Goodman Dulpate_ and _Don
Coxcomb_. Well, however the _Switcher_ here has escap'd for his usage of
a Gentleman in or near this manner, I believe my Judges will agree, that
my Knight was so far from injuring the sawcy Trencherfly, by the reply
he give him, that if he had not known and practic'd good breeding,
better than the other, he would have broke his head into the bargain. As
for his bidding him adieu in Language too prophane and scandalous for
our Reformer to relate, is impossible, for he has prov'd often enough
the contrary of that in his Book already. But for the Song in the Fourth
Act, where the Country Fellow says, _Folks never mind now what those
black Cattle say_ [Footnote: Ibid.]: He is only suppos'd for another
Bumpkin, that amongst the rest of the Parishioners, had found out the
Parsons blind side, and so behind his back took occasion to put a joke
upon him, as well as the rest in that Satyr mention'd.
And now his third place is to prove my want of Modesty, and regard to
the Audience--And here he's chewing his savoury word _Smutt_ agen, and
says _Sancho_ and _Teresa_ talk it broad [Footnote: Collier, p. 203.];
but since his Modesty has not quoted it, I hope my Reader will believe
so well of mine, to think I have not written it; I assure him I don't
know of any. And I have prov'd our Reformer can mistake, as he does of
_Marcellas_ Epilogue, who Raves, he says, with Raptures of Indecency,
when the poor Creature is so cold, after her hot fit, that she rather
wants a dram of the Bottle--But now, Bounce, for a full charge of Small
Shot; here he has gather'd up a heap of Epithets together, without any
words between, or connexion to make 'em sense; and this he says I divert
the Ladies with--_Snotty nose, filthy vermin in the Beard, Nitty Jerkin,
and Louse snapper, with the Letter in the Chamber-pot, and natural
evacuation_. Why truly this is pretty stuff indeed, as his Ingenuity
has put it together--but I hope every one will own, that each of these
singly, when they are tagg'd to their sensible phrases, may be proper
enough in Farce or Low Comedy; but as he has modell'd 'em, 'tis true
they are very frightful--And if I had nothing to sing or say to divert
Ladies better than this, I should think my self so despicable, that I
would e'en get into the next Plot, amongst his Brother Grumblers--then
despairing, do some doughty thing to deserve hanging, and depend upon
no other comfort but his Absolution.
I remember, being lately at St. _James_'s, this very part of the Doctors
Book was read or rather spelt out to me, with tickling satisfaction, by
one whose Wit and good Manners are known to be just of the same weight,
who, since he can be merry so easily, he shall laugh at some of the
Reformers Hotch-potch too, as I have mingled it for him. _Jewish
Tetragramaton, Stigian Frogs, reeking Pandæmoniums, Debauch'd
Protagonists, Nauseous Ribaldry, Ranting Smutt, Abominable Stench_,
Venus _and St _George_, _Juliana_, the Witch and the Parson of _Wrotham_
[Footnote: Collier's Epithetes.], with the admirable Popish story of the
Woman that went to the Play-House and brought home the Devil with her_
[Footnote: Collier, p. 257.]--And the Devil's in't indeed, if this
charming Rhetorick of his, (since he calls mine so) especially joyn'd
with that fine story from _Tertullian_, don't divert the Ladies as well
as t'other; for 'tis very like a Catholick miracle you must know, and
the top wit of it is, that when the Parson is Conjuring, _he asks the
Devil how he durst attack a Christian?_ who, like an admirable Joker as
he was, answers, _I have done nothing but what I can justify, for I
seiz'd her upon my own ground_. Now let the Devil be as witty as he can,
I am sure the story, maugre _Tertullian_'s Authority, or the Doctor's
either, is confounded silly, and downright nonsense, what credit soever
it has with him for its likeness to Jesuiticism. And now I think I have
prov'd too, that _a Clergy man can speak nonsense, pass it for humour
too, and gratify his ease and his malice at once, without a Poet's
putting his into his Mouth_. And since we have been speaking of
quibbling, I shall digress a little to entertain the Reader on that
subject. Our Critick rallies Mr _Dryden_'s _Sancho_ in _Love
Triumphant_, for saying, _dont provoke me, I'm mischievously bent_,
to which _Carlos_ a man of sense replys, _nay you are bent enough in
conscience, but I have a bent Fist for Boxing; Here_ says he (smartly)
_you have a brace of quibbles started in a line and a half [Footnote:
Collier, p. 170.]_--Very true, you have so--But suppose quibbling or
punning--but I think this is call'd punning--Is this Gentlemans
humour--if so, being a Soldier, I don't see it calls his sense in
question at all--but now pray let's see, how our Critick manages a
quibble, with a blunder tack'd to the Tail on't, in the page before,
there, in the aforesaid Play, _Celidea_ in a passion cries,
Great Nature break thy Chain that links together
The Fabrick of this Globe, and make a Chaos,
Like that within my Soul--
[Footnote: Collier, p. 68.]
_Now_, says the Doctor, keen as a Razor, _if she had call'd for a Chair,
instead of a Chaos, tripp'd off, and kept her folly to herself, the
woman had been wiser._ Calling for a Chair instead of a Chaos is an
extreme pretty Quibble truly--but if the Critick had let the Chair-men
have tripp'd off with her, instead of doing it herself as she sat in a
Chair, I'm sure the blunder had been sav'd, and I think he had exprest
himself a little wiser than he has--And come, now my hand's in, let's
parallel Mr _Dryden_ with our Reformer a little longer--_Church-men_
(says _Benducar_ in _Don Sebastian_,
Tho they Itch to govern all,
Are silly, woful awkward Politicians,
They make lame mischiefs, tho they meant it well.
[Footnote: Collier, p.104.]
So much the better_, says he, _for tis a sign they are not beaten to the
trade_--Oh, that's a mistake, Doctor, they may be beaten to the Trade,
and yet be bunglers--And proceeding:
_Their Interest is not finely drawn, and hid,_
_But Seams are coursely bungled up, and seen.
[Footnote: Ibid.]
_These Lines_, says he, _are an Illustration taken from a Taylor._ They
are so, but what Justice is it in him to lessen 'em, whose own flights
are ten times more ridiculous: For example, talking just before of
tumbling the Elements together, he says, _and since we have shewn our
skill of Vaulting on the High Ropes, a little Tumbling on the Stage
may not do amiss for variety_ [Footnote: Collier, p. 158.]. And now I
will refer my self to the severest Critick of his party, whether an
Illustration taken from a Taylor is not better than one taken from a
Vagabond Rope-dancer, or Tumbler, forty times over; but his sense and
way of Writing he thinks will infallibly overcome censure; not with
me I assure him, to confirm it I must remark him once more, and then
my digression shall end. He tells ye _Cleora_, in the Tragedy of
_Cleomenes_, _is not very charming, her part is to tell you_, her
Child suck'd to no purpose.
It pull'd and pull'd but now, but nothing came;
At last it drew so hard that the Blood follow'd,
And that red Milk I found upon its Lips,
Which made me swoon for fear.
[Footnote: Cleomenes.]
There, says he, is a description of sucking for ye: And then like
another Devil of a Joker runs on, truly _one would think the Muse on't
were scarcely wean'd_--Very likely; and here I warrant he thinks his
Witty Criticism, as safely hous'd now as a Thief in a Mill, as the old
Saw has it, did not his plaguee want of Memory now and then contrive to
disgrace him; or if you turn to the thirty fourth page of his Lampoon,
as Mr _Vanbrooke_ calls it, after he has been comparing a fine young
Lady to a _Setting-bitch-teacher.
Lower yet--down, down_, and after he has been bringing forth a Litter
of Mr. _Congreeves_ Epithetes, as he calls them, _soothing softness,
sinking Ease, wafting Air, thrilling Fears, and incessant scalding Rain_
[Footnote: Collier, p. 34.], all Crude, just as he did mine before,
without any connexion of sense to 'em: He tells ye more plain in troth
than wittily, that _they make the Poem look like a Bitch overstock'd
with Puppies, and suck the sense almost to Skin and Bone_. [Footnote:
Ibid, --.] For a Child to suck the Mother till the Blood follows,
I think is not unreasonable, but for a Litter of Epithetes to suck
the sense of a Poem to the Skin and Bone, is such Fustian stuff that
nothing but a Creature, only fit for a Sucking-bottle, could be
Author of--And now I think if he has given me any _Crocus Metallorum_,
I am even with him with a Dose of _Jollop_, and can whisk too from one
Play to another indifferently well, tho not so fast as he; for when I
perus'd him first, I could compare him to nothing but an Humble Bee
in a Meadow, Buz upon this Daizy, Hum upon that Clover, then upon that
Butter-flower--sucking of Honey, as he is of Sense--or as if upon the
hunt for knowledge, he could fly from hence to the Colledge at _Downy_,
then to St. _Peter_'s at _Rome_, then to _Mahomet_ at _Mecha_, then to
the Inquisition at _Goa_--And then buz home again to his own dormitory
in _Shooe-lane_: And so much for his injustice, now to his errour in
Criticism again, and to proceed in defence of _Don Quixot_.
_Mary_ the Buxom, he says now swears faster 'tis false, and I deny it,
she is so far from swearing fast, that she does not (rude as her
character is) swear at all, unless the poor interjection I'cod--by his
Authority can be made an Oath; and then if you'll peruse him on, here is
a whole page and half upon this hint, That the Ladies must have left
their Wits and Modesties behind them that came, and lik'd her Words or
Actions; and that her Nastiness, and dirty Conversation, is a Midnight
Cart, or a Dunghil, instead of an Ornamental Scene. [Footnote: Collier,
p. 204.] Now you don't find out our Gentlemans malicious meaning by
this, but I shall inform ye. He says, I'm sorry the Ladies brought their
Wits and Modesties with them, that came to see this Character; and yet
all the whole Town can witness, that as many of the Ladies as could get
into the Play-House came thither, to wait upon Her late _Majesty of
Sacred Memory_, who did me that honour only for my benefit; and who
was of so nice a Temper, relating to Modesty, that if so much as a hint
had been given her by those had seen it before, of such a thing as
Immodesty, she had never came, much less had been diverted, as she was,
when she did come; but this I take as striking at _her_ through my
sides; and I think, to use his own words, _is above the Correction of
the Pen_. [Footnote: Collier, p. 206.] The next is such senseless
malice, or ignorance, that it deserves a hoot; he finds _Manuel_ in
_Don Quixot_ (playing in his Farce for the Dukes diversion) addressing
to the Dutchess in this manner, in a Jargon of Phrase made ridiculous
on purpose: _Illustrious beauty, I must desire to know whether the most
purifidiferous _Don Quixot_ of the _Manchissima_, and the Squireiferous
_Pancha_, be in this Company or no_. To whom _Sancho_ replies,
imitating, as he thinks this fine stile, _Why lookee, forsooth,
without any more flourishes, the Governor _Pancha_ is here, and _Don
Quixotissimo_ too, therefore, most Afflictedissimous Matronissima, speak
what you Willissimus, for we are all ready to be your Servitorissimus_.
[Footnote: Vid. Shelton's _Translation of _Don Quixot_, p._ 205.] And
this now he inserts as my own Invention and manner of Stile, which is
taken _verbatim_ from the History of _Don Quixot_, and is by all those
that can judge of humour, very pleasant and fit for that purpose. Now if
he has never read that History, his ignorance has abus'd me; and if he
has, his impudence has, of which us perceiv'd he has Stock enough, for
presently he worries me for saying, in my Epistle Dedicatory to the
Duchess of _Ormond_, That _I date my good fortune from her prosperous
influence_, and says 'tis _Astrological_. [Footnote: Collier, p. 207.] I
don't know whether it has that sort of Learning in't or no, but 'tis as
good sense as when he says, like a Wag as he is, that the Ladies fancy
is just _slip-stocking high, and she seems to want sense more than her
Break-fast_. [Footnote: Collier, p. 92.] Fancy slip-stocking high? no,
no, the merry Grig must mean her pretty Leg was seen so high, for the
Master of Art, I beg pardon of the rest that their Title is scandaliz'd,
could never mean such Nonsence as t'other sure.
And now drawing near to an end, his malice grows more plainly to a head,
by endeavouring to lessen my Credit with my Patron Mr. _Montague_, whose
generous Candor and good Nature to me, and indeed to us all, he perhaps
has heard of, for here our modest and moral Critick, has either mistaken
the words, or found out a slip of the Press, which because it happens to
be Nonsence, he has very gladly exposed for mine; 'tis in my Epistle to
my aforesaid Patron, thus:
Had your Eyes shot the haughty Austerity upon me of a right Courtier,
your valued minutes had never been disturbed with dilatory Trifles
of this nature; but my heart, on dull Consideration of your Merit,
had supinely wish'd you Prosperity at a distance_.
[Footnote: Collier, p. 207.]
Mine in my Copy was written [_due Consideration_] but Doctor Crambo
will have you believe, I consider'd so little to write the t'other; but
now I will hold twenty Stubble Geese to the same number of Tithe Pigs,
whenever he is preferr'd to be a Curate again, that I make my Patron
smile more at my Entertainment of him at his own Cost, than ever he did
at his quoting my _dull Consideration_, which no body but the _dull
Absolver_ could imagine a Man with any Brains could write. And to prove
I have yet a few, I will try to Paraphrase upon his Farewel to me, the
Translation in Verse, but the Reader shall have his first.
I like an Author that Reforms the Age,
And keeps the right Decorum of the Stage;
That always pleases by Just Reason's Rule;
But for a tedious Droll, a quibbling Fool,
Who with low nauseous Bawdry fills his Plays,
Let him be gone, and on two Tressels raise
Some _Smithfield_ Stage, where he may act his Pranks,
And make _Jack Puddings_ speak to Mountebanks.
[Footnote: Collier,]
Your humble Servant good Doctor--Well, now for me.
I like a Parson, that no Souls does Lurch,
And keeps the true Decorum of the Church;
That always preaches by Just Reason's Rule;
But for a Hypocrite, a Canting Fool,
Who, cramm'd with Malice, takes the Rebels side,
_And would, for Conscience, palm on us his Pride,_
Let him, for Stipend, to the _Gubbins*_ sail,
And there Hold-forth for Crusts and Juggs of Ale.
[*: A Savage kind of People in the West of _England_.]
And so much by way of Prose, I shall only now give the Reformer a
little further Advice, in return of his, in my Lyrical way, which is in
a Fable of _A Dog and an Otter_; and to turn his own words upon him, the
Citation may possibly be of some service to him, for if not concern'd in
the Application, he may at least be precaution'd by the Moral. I find he
knows I can sing to other Peoples sense, I'll try now if I can make him
sing to mine: And when he Diverts, or is Diverted with _Vox_, then,
_Preterea nihil_.
* * * * *
_Maxims_ and _Reflections_
upon
PLAYS.
(_In Answer to a Discourse, Of the Lawfullness
and Unlawfullness of PLAYS. Printed
Before a late PLAY Entituled,
BEAUTY in DISTRESS_.)
Written in FRENCH by
the Bp. of MEAVX.
And now made ENGLISH
The PREFACE By another HAND.
_LONDON_,
Printed for R. Sare, at _Grays-Inn_ Gate, in
_Holborne_. 1699.
* * * * *
THE PREFACE