A RELAPSE
The most unpopular man in the group which we now rejoined was
undoubtedly Mr. Crick, a blind faith in whose prescience had induced
Miss Beverley and Sylvia Mainwaring to adventure an aggregate sum of ten
shillings upon Mustard Seed. Ranking a good second in the order of
odium came Dicky, who had executed the commission. The fact that he had
done so under protest was deemed to have no bearing on the case.
Miss Damer said nothing about our little triumph, and I was well
content. There is something very intimate and comfortable about a
secret of this kind.
The great race of the day, the Laxley Cup, was now imminent, and, with
the exception of Lady Adela, who issued to me from the depths of the
victoria a distinctly somnolent injunction to persevere in my support of
the property of the Earl of Moddlewick and Mr. Hector McCorquodale, we
departed in a body to back our respective fancies.
"Miss Beverley seems a bit put out about something, my son Richard," I
observed, as The Freak and I strolled along in the rear of the party.
Dicky nodded.
"Yes," he said, "she is. She is a dear, but she hates losing money
worse than an eye-tooth. I must find a winner for her this time, or I
shall have to listen to a song and chorus. You noticed it, too, then?"
"Yes. But it was before she lost money. Do you think she disapproves
of--"
"Of the way I trot around after Connie--eh? No, to do her justice, I
don't think she minds that a bit. She knows that Connie and I have been
pals ever since we were quite small nippers. Besides," concluded my
friend with an entirely gratuitous chuckle, "everybody trots around
after Connie, don't they?"
I admitted briefly that this was so.
"No; it is the loss of cash chiefly that makes her fractious," continued
Dicky. "That, and my want of dignity and repose on public occasions."
"What sort of exhibition have you been making of yourself this time?" I
enquired gruffly. Dicky's last remark still rankled.
"Nothing to signify. Hilda and I were taking a stroll on the course
together, before you arrived, and I stopped to have a brief chat with an
aged Irish beggar-woman. The old dame had a shilling out of me in no
time, and we departed under a perfect blizzard of benediction. Hilda
seemed rather miffy about it: said I was making her and myself
conspicuous. For the Lord's sake, put me on to a winner for her, old
soul!"
"Ask Miss Damer," I said. "She is the member of this party who picks up
reliable information."
But Miss Damer was nowhere to be seen.
"She is somewhere in that seething mob, backing horses on her own
account," explained Sylvia later. "She said she was n't going to bother
any of the men this time. Do you think it is quite safe?"
"Connie knows her way about," said Dicky. "But perhaps we had better go
and have a look for her. Do you know which bookie she has been
patronising, Tiny?"
"Yes; that gentleman by the railings, with the gamboge waistcoat," I
replied. "But she is n't going to him any more. She has taken money
off him twice, and considers it unfair to fleece him again. We shall
find her looking for a man with a large bank-balance and no children."
"How will she be able to tell?" enquired that simple soul, Mr. Crick.
"From what I know of her," I said, "she will ask him."
Loaded with injunctions and commissions from the other two ladies, Dicky
and I pushed our way once more into the crowd of speculators. Finding
that the Earl of Moddlewick's Ginger Jim figured upon the programme and
was actually proposing to run, I backed that animal on Lady Adela's
behalf, blushing painfully before the thinly veiled amazement and
compassion of the bookmaker and his clerk. Myself, I supported the
favourite, for reasons of my own. Dicky moved feverishly up and down
the line, putting money on horse after horse. Apparently Miss Beverley
was to back a winner this time.
As I concluded my business, I caught sight of Miss Damer's lilac frock
and big black hat in the paddock. She was engaged in an ardent
conversation with a group of three--two girls and a man--and I remember
wondering whether they were actual friends of hers or acquaintances of
the moment, drawn unwittingly but perfectly willingly into the small
siren's net. (As it turned out, they were old friends, but I think I
may be excused for not feeling certain.) I was a little disappointed at
her preoccupation, for I had been hoping for another deed of
partnership.
But the starting-bell had rung, and people were clambering on to the
stands.
"Which is my horse, Dick?" enquired Hilda Beverley, as we took our
places.
This was an obvious poser for my friend.
"I'll tell you in a minute," he said, gazing diligently through his
binoculars. "Yes, yes!" He coughed with intense heartiness. "It is
doing very well--very well, indeed!"
"But which one is it?" asked Miss Beverley impatiently.
"The one in front," replied The Freak, with perfect truth.
The finish was imminent. A hundred yards from the post the favourite
cracked, and his place was taken by a raking black horse with a pink
jockey, which ultimately won the race with a length in hand.
The bulk of the crowd naturally received the defeat of the favourite
without enthusiasm, but a small section near the judge's box raised a
loud and continuous yell of jubilation. Evidently some particular
stable had "known something" and kept it dark.
"What is the name of that black animal?" I enquired of Dicky.
"Malvolio."
"Did you back him?" I enquired loudly.
"Rather!" yelled Dicky. "Come with me and help me to collect Hilda's
winnings for her. Back directly, dear!"
"How many horses did you back in that race?" I enquired, as we elbowed
our way to the ring.
"Seven," said Dicky. "Expensive game, executing commissions for your
best girl--what?"
"Let us hope this little victory will have the desired effect," I said
piously.
"It will be cheap at the price," replied Dicky with fervour.
At the foot of the stand we found Miss Damer taking leave of her three
friends. She joined us.
"Will you chaperon me into the ring, please?" she asked of me politely.
I stopped short and gazed at her.
"Do you mean to tell me," I said, "that you have won again?"
Miss Damer nodded brightly.
"Yes," she said.
"You backed Malvolio--that outsider?"
Miss Damer smiled seraphically. "Yes."
"And where did you get the tip this time?" I enquired.
"I asked the bookmaker," replied Miss Damer simply. "I thought he would
know."
"And he gave you Malvolio?"
"Yes. I had thought of backing the favourite, but he would n't let me.
He said Malvolio was 'a real snip,' but very few people knew about him.
He was a kind man. Come and help me to find him."
We duly discovered her altruistic friend, who smiled at me over his
client's head in a resigned and humorous fashion, as if to imply that
there are occasions upon which Homer may be excused from nodding. "If
this be Vanity," his expression seemed to ask, "who would be wise?"
Who, indeed?
Of all Constance Damer's achievements in the matter of unduly
influencing her fellow-creatures, I hold--and always have held--that
this was the greatest. I have been present at many of her triumphs. I
have seen her tackle a half-drunken ruffian who was ill-treating his
wife, not merely subjugating him, but sending the pair away reconciled
and arm-in-arm; I have seen her compel crusty and avaricious old
gentlemen to pay not only largely, but cheerfully, for bazaar-goods for
which they could have had no possible use, and the very purchase of
which implicated them in the furtherance of a scheme of which they
heartily disapproved; and I have seen her soothe a delirious child into
peaceful slumber by the mere magic of her touch and voice. But to
interrupt a hard-working, unsentimental, starting-price bookmaker at the
busiest moment of his day, for the purpose of eliciting from him
information as to the right horse to back, and to receive from him--a
man whose very living depends upon your backing the wrong one--not
merely reliable but exclusive information, strikes me as a record even
for Miss Constance Damer.
Presently Dicky rejoined us.
"Collected your winnings?" I enquired.
"Yes--and handed them over. There are only two runners in the next
race. Come and have a look at the merry-go-rounds. I know you love
them, Connie."
Miss Damer admitted the correctness of this statement, but declined to
come.
"I see Lady Adela over there," she said--"all alone. That's not fair.
She has a new toque on, too, poor thing! I will go and take her for a
walk round the enclosure. You two can come back presently and give us
tea. If you discover anything really exciting in the way of side-shows
I will come and see it before the last race."
She flitted away. Two minutes later we saw her, looking like a neat
little yacht going for a walk with a Dreadnought, carefully convoying
Lady Adela across the course into the enclosure.
"What about Miss Beverley and the others, Freak?" I asked, as we turned
away.
"Oh, they are all right," said Dicky shortly. "Leave them alone for a
bit longer."
From which I gathered that Miss Beverley was still suffering from what
is known in nursery circles as "a little black dog on her back."
A large section of the crowd evidently shared our opinion that the next
race would be a tame affair, for the merry-go-rounds and other
appurtenances of the meeting were enjoying abundant patronage as we
approached. We passed slowly along the fairway, where hoarse persons
implored us, _inter alia_, to be photographed, win cocoanuts, and
indulge in three rounds under Queensberry Rules with "The Houndsditch
Terror."
Dicky, suddenly throwing off his low spirits, won two cocoanuts;
insisted upon being photographed with me upon the beach of a
_papier-mache_ ocean, and, although he drew the line at The Houndsditch
Terror, submitted his palm to an unclean and voluble old lady who
desired to tell his fortune.
He was cautioned by the beldame against a fair man with a black
heart--"That's you, old son!" he remarked affectionately to me--and
received warning of impending trouble with a dark lady. ("Thanks; I
know all about that," he assured her feelingly.) On the other hand, he
was promised two letters, a journey across the ocean, and a quantity of
gold--precise amount not specified--within a short period of time.
"You have a very peculiar nature," was the next announcement. "You have
paid attention to many ladies, but you have never really loved any of
them. Your heart--"
"I beg your pardon; I have loved them all!" replied The Freak
emphatically.
"Don't be angry with Gipsy, pretty gentleman!" pleaded the aged Sibyl.
"Gipsy knows best. Gipsy only says what she reads in the hand. So--but
what is this?" She bent closer. "Ah! Very soon, sir, you will meet the
lady of your dreams, and you will love her as you have never loved
before."
"No, really?" exclaimed Dicky, deeply interested. "Tell me, shall I
marry her?"
"Many difficulties and obstacles will be placed in your path," chanted
the prophetess. "You will be misunderstood; you will have to deal with
peculiar people. Many times you will be tempted to give up in despair.
But persevere, and you will triumph in the end. Now, gentleman, cross
Gipsy's palm with silver--"
Here high prophetic frenzy tailed off into unabashed mendicancy, and the
interview dropped to a purely commercial level. My attention wandered.
Not far away a ring of people had collected round some fresh object of
interest. I could hear the sound of a woman's voice singing, and the
thrumming of a harp. I could even distinguish the air. A fresh number
was just beginning. It was "Annie Laurie"--the most beautiful
love-song, in my humble opinion, ever written.
"Maxwellton's braes are bonny,
Where early falls the dew--"
Then the voice quavered and ceased, and I found myself wondering what
had happened.
"And now, would the other handsome gentleman like to show his palm to
Gipsy?" enquired an ingratiating croak at my side.
Realising with difficulty that I was the individual referred to, I
turned, to find that our aged friend, having satisfactorily arranged
Dicky's future, was now soliciting my patronage.
"No, thanks," I replied. "Come and see what is going on over there,
Freak."
"Ah, but Gipsy will tell the gentleman _all_," promised the old lady.
"He has a wicked eye," she added, alluringly but incorrectly.
We escaped at last, at a price, and presently found ourselves upon the
outskirts of the little crowd which I have already mentioned.
"What is going on inside here?" enquired Dicky of his nearest neighbour.
"Gel singin' to the 'arp," replied the gentleman addressed. He
supplemented this information by adding that the lady was no class, and
had a nasty cough.
He was right. As he spoke, the voice of the singer broke again, and we
could hear the sound of a spasm of coughing.
We elbowed our way into the crowd, which had grown with the easy
facility of all race-course crowds into quite an assemblage; and
presently found ourselves in the inmost ring of spectators.
In the centre of the ring sat an old man on a camp-stool, cuddling a big
battered harp to his shoulder. Beside him stood a tall tired-looking
woman, very handsome in a tawdry fashion, of about thirty-five. She was
dressed as a Pierrette. Her right hand rested upon the old man's
shoulder, her left was pressed hard against her chest. She was coughing
violently, and her accompanist's hands lay patiently idle in his lap
until she should be ready to continue. On the grass beside the old man
sat a hollow-eyed little boy, also in regulation Pierrot costume.
I heard Dicky draw his breath sharply. Don Quixote was astir again.
Presently the singer recovered, stood bravely erect, and prepared
herself for another effort. The old man's hands swept over the strings,
and the harp emitted a gentle arpeggio.
"Like dew on the gowans lying
Is the fall of her fairy feet,
And like winds in summer sighing
Her voice is low and sweet.
Her voice is low and sweet,
And she's all the world to me;
And for bonnie Annie Laurie--"
The song floated up into the blue summer sky, carrying me with
it--possibly in pursuit of the fairy feet (for which I had already found
an owner). Exposure, rough usage, mayhap gin-and-water--all these had
robbed the singer's notes of something of their pristine freshness; but
they rang out pure and limpid for all that. It was a trained voice, and
must once have been a great voice. The crowd stood absolutely still.
Never have I beheld a more attentive audience.
"Grand opera, once," said Dicky's voice softly in my ear. Then--"Oh,
you poor thing!"
I recalled my thoughts from their sentimental journey, to realise that
the verse had broken off before the end and that the woman was once more
in the throes of another attack of coughing, the black pompoms on her
little white clown cap vibrating with every spasm. Impatient spectators
began to drift away.
I was conscious of a sudden movement beside me, and Dicky's voice
exclaimed, in the hoarse whisper which I knew he reserved for
conversations with himself:--
"Go on! Be a man!"
Next moment he had left my side and was standing in the centre of the
ring, addressing the crowd. He was quite cool and self-possessed, but I
saw his fingers curling and uncurling.
"Ladies and gentlemen!" he shouted.
"Git out of the ring, Elbert!" suggested a voice, not unkindly.
But The Freak continued:--
"I know we all sympathise with the plucky attempt this lady is making to
entertain us under very difficult circumstances."
The crowd, suspicious of a hoax of some kind, surveyed him dumbly.
"I am sure," Dicky went on, "you will agree with me that with such a bad
cough our entertainer has no right to be working so hard this afternoon;
and I therefore propose, with your kind permission, in order that she
may have a rest and get her voice back, to sing you one or two songs
myself. I can't sing for toffee; but I will do my best, and I know that
you, being sportsmen all, will assist me by singing the choruses!"
He took off his hat, bowed genially, and turned to the harpist. There
was a buzz of appreciation and anticipation among the crowd. Evidently
Dicky had touched the right note when he appealed to them as sportsmen.
"Can you vamp a few chords, do you think?" I heard him say to the
accompanist.
"Yes, sir," replied the old man quickly. "Go on: I'll follow you."
The tired woman sank down upon the trampled grass beside the little boy;
The Freak, hat in hand, struck an attitude; and the entertainment began.
I do not know how many songs he sang. He passed from one to another
with amazing facility, discoursing between the verses upon topics well
suited to the taste and comprehension of his audience. His songs were
not new, and the tales that he told were neither true nor relevant; but
they served their purpose. He uplifted his voice and carried us all off
our feet. He conducted us over the whole of that field of Music Hall
humour which is confined within the following limits:--
(1) Alcoholic excess.
(2) Personal deformity (e.g., Policemen's feet).
(3) Conjugal infelicity; with which is incorporated Mothers-in-law.
(4) Studies of insect life (e.g., Seaside lodgings).
(5) Exaggerated metaphor (e.g., "Giddy kipper").
He enlarged upon all these, and illuminated each. He was unspeakably
vulgar, and irresistibly amusing. The crowd took him to their bosoms.
They roared at his gags; they sang his choruses; they clamoured for
more.
I shouted with the rest. This was the real Dicky Mainwaring--the
unregenerate, unrestrained Freak of our undergraduate days--my friend
given back to me in his right mind after a lamentable period of eclipse.
My heart swelled foolishly.
"Chorus once more, please, gentlemen!" shouted Dicky. "Last time!"
[Illustration: "CHORUS ONCE MORE, PLEASE, GENTLEMEN!"]
The refined and elevating paean rolled forth, Dicky conducting:--
"Beer, Beer, glorious Beer!
Fill yourself right up to here!
(_Illustrative gesture._)
Take a good deal of it,
Make a good meal of it--"
With head thrown back and mouth wide open, I shouted with the
rest--and--caught the eye of Miss Hilda Beverley! She was standing
exactly opposite to me on the other side of the circle. Next moment she
was gone.
----
It was the accompanist who gave in first. For nearly half an hour his
aged but nimble fingers had followed the singer's most extravagant
flights, and he now began obviously to falter.
Dicky seized this opportunity to conclude his performance.
"That is all, gentlemen," he said, with a flourish of his hat. "I know
no more. Thank you for your kind attention and assistance. But don't
go away. I am going to ask the Colonel here to carry his hat round."
He signalled to the small pale-faced boy to take up a collection, but
the child hung back shyly. Evidently he was not accustomed to
enthusiastic audiences. Dicky accordingly borrowed his cone-shaped
headpiece and set to work himself.
Touch your neighbour's heart, and his pocket is at your mercy. The bell
was ringing for the last race, but not a man in that crowd stirred until
he had contributed to Dicky's collection. Silver and copper rained into
the cap. I saw one sturdy old farmer clap Dicky upon the shoulder with
a "Good lad! good lad!" and drop in half-a-crown.
Then the audience melted away as suddenly as it had collected, and we
five were left--Dicky, myself, the old man, his daughter, and the
recently gazetted Colonel. The daughter still sat limply upon the
grass. Dicky crossed over to her and emptied the collection into her
lap.
"You had better tie that up in a handkerchief," he said. He spoke
awkwardly. He was no longer an inspired comedian--only a shy and
self-conscious schoolboy. My thoughts flew back to a somewhat similar
scene in a third-class carriage on the Great Eastern Railway many years
before.
The woman was crying softly. Her tears--those blessed faith-restoring
tears that come to people who encounter kindness when they thought that
the world held no more for them--dropped one by one upon the pile of
coins in her lap. She caught Dicky's hand, and clung to it. The Freak
cleared his throat in a distressing manner, but said nothing. Far away
we could hear the roar of the crowd, watching the last race.
"I must be going now," said Dicky at length. "I hope you will soon get
rid of your cough and have good luck again. We all get under the
weather sometimes, don't we? Good-bye! Good-bye, Colonel!"
The officer addressed fixed round and wondering eyes upon the eccentric
stranger, but made no remark.
"Good-bye, sir," said the woman. "God--"
Dicky released his hand gently and turned deferentially to the old
gentleman, who was still sitting patiently at his harp.
"Thank you very much, sir," he said, speaking like a polite
undergraduate to an aged don who has just entertained him to dinner,
"for your splendid accompaniments. I can't imagine how you contrived to
follow me as you did. I'm a pretty erratic performer, I 'm afraid.
Good-bye!"
He held out his hand.
The old man struggled to his feet, and gave a little old-fashioned bow,
but disregarded Dicky's proffered hand.
"Good-bye, sir," he said, "and thank you kindly for what you have done
for us."
"Would you mind putting your hand in his, sir?" said the woman to Dicky.
"He can't see it. He's blind," she added apologetically.
Five minutes later we found ourselves back at the railings. The motor
was already purring, and Romulus and Remus had been put into the
victoria.
Miss Damer hastened up to us. Her brown eyes looked very soft.
"Dicky dear," she said tremulously, "we all saw you, and I think you are
a brick. But keep away from Hilda for a bit."