Finding himself incapable of controlling the boiling transports of his
anxiety, many a husband makes the mistake of coming home and rushing
into the presence of his wife, with the object of triumphing over
her weakness, like those bulls of Spain, which, stung by the red
_banderillo_, disembowel with furious horns horses, matadors, picadors,
toreadors and their attendants.
But oh! to enter with a tender gentle mien, like Mascarillo, who expects
a beating and becomes merry as a lark when he finds his master in a good
humor! Well--that is the mark of a wise man--!
“Yes, my darling, I know that in my absence you could have behaved
badly! Another in your place would have turned the house topsy-turvy,
but you have only broken a pane of glass! God bless you for your
considerateness. Go on in the same way and you will earn my eternal
gratitude.”
Such are the ideas which ought to be expressed by your face and bearing,
but perhaps all the while you say to yourself:
“Probably he has been here!”
Always to bring home a pleasant face, is a rule which admits of no
exception.
But the art of never leaving your house without returning when the
police have revealed to you a conspiracy--to know how to return at the
right time--this is the lesson which is hard to learn. In this matter
everything depends upon tact and penetration. The actual events of life
always transcend anything that is imaginable.
The manner of coming home is to be regulated in accordance with a number
of circumstances. For example:
Lord Catesby was a man of remarkable strength. It happened one day that
he was returning from a fox hunt, to which he had doubtless promised to
go, with some ulterior view, for he rode towards the fence of his park
at a point where, he said, he saw an extremely fine horse. As he had
a passion for horses, he drew near to examine this one close at hand,
There he caught sight of Lady Catesby, to whose rescue it was certainly
time to go, if he were in the slightest degree jealous for his own
honor. He rushed upon the gentleman he saw there, and seizing him by the
belt he hurled him over the fence on to the road side.
“Remember, sir,” he said calmly, “it rests with me to decide whether it
well be necessary to address you hereafter and ask for satisfaction on
this spot.”
“Very well, my lord; but would you have the goodness to throw over my
horse also?”
But the phlegmatic nobleman had already taken the arm of his wife as he
gravely said:
“I blame you very much, my dear creature, for not having told me that I
was to love you for two. Hereafter every other day I shall love you for
the gentleman yonder, and all other days for myself.”
This adventure is regarded in England as one of the best returns home
that were ever known. It is true it consisted in uniting, with singular
felicity, eloquence of deed to that of word.
But the art of re-entering your home, principles of which are
nothing else but natural deductions from the system of politeness and
dissimulation which have been commended in preceding Meditations,
is after all merely to be studied in preparation for the conjugal
catastrophes which we will now consider.