Affairs of the Department of the Interior,” he says. And I says, “Can
they put somebody off on a department like that?” And he says, “Oh
sure it is done all the time there is the private secretary to the
Spokeslady there was no provision for such but She wanted one so they
put it off on the Interstate Trade Commission,” he says.
And he goes on to study the list and he says, “This is not a very good
job for the salary is only $26 per week.” “Man alive,” I says, “that
is more money than I have ever had all at once in my life I think!” He
says, “You will find your tastes grow and in a year you will be wanting
your own car,” he says.
And then he thinks a bit and he says, “Maybe we can get you an
allowance for travelling expenses.” I says, “Does a Grammarian have
to travel?” and he says, “We will have you made a Field Grammarian
and then you will be able to go wherever you want to and that will
be necessary anyhow because you see if it stays hot like this very
long the Spokesman will be moving to His summer home and I will have
to go there and so will you and it will be much better if you have a
government position then because it will not look so bad if we are saw
together in a small town.”
And then he looks at me a moment and he says kind of hesitating, “Miss
Riggs, will you pardon me if I am extremely personal for a moment?”
And I says, “Go to it,” and then he tells me that the fashion in the
present Administration is for a different shade of ladies’ hair from
what I have got. “The old Administration was what you might call a
peroxide one,” he says, “but the present one runs to pastel shades and
I think it would be easier for both of us if you was to tone yours
down. I don’t know much about it, but I suppose there is ways.”
“Oh sure,” I says, “what have I been in a beauty parlors for? I can cut
most of it off and wear some sort of a turban effect till the new color
grows out,” I says. “Or I can cut it real short and say that I have had
the typhoid fever or something.” And he says, “All right typhoid is
more respectable than peroxide and when you have got that done we can
go to better restaurants for our dinners.”
Well so then I says, “How is the missus getting along these days and
has she said anything more about me?”
And he tells me that she has got something new to occupy her mind she
is being syked--I don’t know if that quite the right word but it is the
way it sounds and he explained to me the way to be syked there is a man
and you pay him ten dollars an hour to listen to you tell him all your
troubles and about your soul and he says that it is got to be the most
fashionable thing for ladies to be syked. And I says, “It is a pretty
expensive fashion it seems to me,” but he says, “My God no not at all
this town is full of husbands that would pay a man ten dollars an hour
to listen to their wife’s troubles all day long and the night too,” he
says. “And it is a great relief to their friends as well.” And I says,
“Then while she is being syked you and me can go to dinner,” and he
says, “Exactly.”
Well then he tells me what it is that he wants to ask me about and it
seems there is an international problem because there is a Hungarian
count that wants to come into this country because his wife is here and
she is sick but he is not being let to come because they say he is a
Bolshiviki but there is an awful fuss being made about it.
And I says, “But why I thought we had regular laws to keep them Dagos
and Hunkies and Wops out of this country.” And he says, “Yes, but this
one is a sure enough count and is a rich man too and the laws is not
meant for that sort. And besides,” he says “the state department is not
got very much nerve just now the old gentleman that is in charge of it
is called by the name of Scared Sally and he is even more scared than
the Spokesman Himself. He was a senator from his home state but that
state kicked him out and so the Spokesman is give him a home in the
cabinet; and he is scared of this Bolshiviki count to let him in and
he is scared to not let him in and they are all in a terrible stew up
at the big white house and this evening there is got to be a statement
give out about why he is not let in and they can’t think of no reasons
except some that they cannot give out.”
“And what is them?” I says and he tells me a funny story, gee it is
complicated these international affairs!
It seems that some of the young fellers in this state department
is gone and got themselves wives out of this here foreign nobility
thinking it was something extra swell you know but now there is come
revolutions and all these Dago counts and Hunky princes and Wop grand
dukes is kicked out or is about to get kicked out and the young men in
the state department finds themselves stuck with second-hand wives as
you might say that is to say they is badly faded and passay and not
noble or swell no more. In this here country of Hungary they have got
back but only for a little while because this Bolshiviki count is going
to kick them out again and so they hate him and that is why our state
department is fighting so hard to help them and keep the secretarie’s
wives noble as long as it can be done. And that is why our government
lends loans to these countries and why they dassn’t allow that nobody
shall come in from them countries and tell what is going on there.
And I says, “But Mr. Edgerton it seems to me that in a case like that
it is very plain what to do.” “And what is it?” he says. And I says,
“I would say that it is a situation that the least said about it the
better.” And he says, “Yes of course.” And I says, “Then why not say
the least?” And he says, “What is the least?” And I says, “The least is
nothing.”
Well he looks at me like I was prophet come down from heaven or
something and he says, “My God Miss Riggs you are a wonder!” “No,” I
says, “I am only a field Grammarian,” I says, “but even so I can see
that when there is nothing you can say the thing to do is to hold your
mouth. And I have heard so much in the papers about this Spokesman
being a Strong Silent Man and it is seems to me that this is just the
time for Him to be Strong in His Silence and Silent in His Strength,”
I says, “and you had better just make up your mind that this here
Bolshiviki count stays out and that nobody says a word about it from
the first to the last,” I says, “and that is the way I would play the
game of politics if I was Him.”
And he says, “Miss Riggs you _are_ Him, I believe! You are Him in the
Female Incarnation!” And so I am
Your very flattered
MAME.
LETTER XVII
IN WHICH I BECOME A SYKER
DEAR MOM:
I have your letter in which you send me two dollars and it is sure good
of you and Pop to think of me with all the troubles of your own you
have got. It come at just the right moment for I had got down to only
nine cents, and I did not dare to buy the morning paper to see what the
Spokesman has been saying. Mr. Edgerton has got it fixed that I have
been appointed Emergency Field Grammarian but I do not get the salary
until Saturday and these two dollars will save my life.
And oh Mom I am glad that you will talk to Walter for me. I know
that you and Pop are not keen about having me in love with a poor
shipping-clerk but all the same that is what is kept me good through
all the temptations of a great city and so you must help me and make
Walter understand that I really am helping Mr. Edgerton like I say and
telling him what he is to tell the Spokesman to tell to the American
people.
Well Mr. Edgerton is been so good I have saw him again and he seen that
I had on that poor old shirtwaist and he says, “Why where is your fine
good clothes?” he says. And so I have to tell him that it is got so hot
that I cannot wear a winter suit no more and he says, “Come along now
you have got to be dressed like a Grammarian,” he says and so he takes
me into a department store and buys me everything all new a pearl grey
suit with a hat and shoes and all and so I can be a summer lady as well
as a winter one.
But he tells me some very bad news that the secretary of state that
they call Scared Sally has decided that he will let that Bolshiviki
count come into the country provided that he does not do no propaganda
about politics while he is here but will only see his wife that is
sick. And I says, “My God Mr. Edgerton that is a mistake because them
fellers is not to be trusted and anybody can see that it is propaganda
for a feller like that just to be alive.”
And he says, “That is exactly right Miss Riggs it is what I have said
to them.”
And I says, “But why does the Spokesman allow such things?” and he says
that He is leaving it all to that Scared Sally.
And I says, “But Mr. Edgerton they have already give out a statement
that he will not be let to come in. The Spokesman has said it Himself.”
“Yes,” he says, “but the Spokesman can always take back what He has
said.”
“But Mr. Edgerton,” I says, “how can He when He is said it to a hundred
newspaper reporters and they have wrote it down?”
“He just says that He didn’t say it and they all have to say they made
a mistake.”
“But my God don’t none of them ever kick?”
“Two of them done it onst but all they got was they was not allowed to
no more interviews which put them out of business and taught the others
better.”
“Well,” I says, “if a Man has got all the newspapers where you can
walk on their faces like that,” I says, “why does He want an electric
camelephant to ride?”
He says it has always been that way there used to be what was called
an Ananias Club in Washington and that was for people that had objected
to the Spokesman changing his mind. He says that now they don’t allow
no stenographic notes of the Spokesman’s interviews so that it will not
be possible to prove what He has said. “And so you see,” he says, “how
easy it is to be a Great Man.”
“Well,” I says, “they will see that Hunkie count will make a fool out
of them all,” and he says, “That is exactly what will happen and it
will give the Spokesman a black eye worse than the one that He got up
there when He had the police-strike,” he says. “The truth is I am sick
of telling Him what to do and not having it done and if somebody was to
offer me a good position in private life I would take it tomorrow.”
I says, “Oh Mr. Edgerton do not desert your country and do not desert
me.”
“Don’t you worry Mamie Riggs,” he says and that is the first time
he has ever called me Mamie. “I am not agoing to desert you and you
will have a friend in me for the rest of your life for you have got
more sense than any male politician in the business,” he says and of
course that is a sweet thing to say and he gives my arm a squeeze as we
are walking on the street but then I am scared because I have got to
remember that he is a married man and all.
So to remind him I says, “And how is the wife getting on?”
He says, “Oh she is having the time of her life because this getting
syked is the best thing that is ever come along so she says.”
And then he goes on to tell me about this and it seems that a lady pays
this syking man ten dollars an hour to listen to her troubles and about
her soul and she gets to be more and more interested in that syker and
that is a regular part of the treatment it seems and it is called by a
long name it is a Transference.
And I says, “Well Mr. Edgerton they are always getting new names for
old things,” I says, “for when you go to a moving picture that thing is
what is called a Triangle.”
He laughs and says that is so but I can see that he is kind of sore
about it and he says, “That feller is got Mrs. Edgerton running there
to see him every day and telling him her fusses with me and he is
calling her up on the phone and making dates with her and I have made
up my mind that I am not going to stand it much longer and I have told
her so in plain words.”
And I says, “But look here Mr. Edgerton,” I says, “how is this that
you are calling me up on the phone and making dates with me and you do
not want her to object to that,” I says.
“Oh,” he says, “but that is different.”
And I says, “But why is it different?” and he says, “Because it is a
matter of business with you and me.”
And I says, “Yes, but it is a matter of business with him also and if
he is getting ten dollars an hour for it it is a matter of very good
business indeed.”
He is kind of embarrassed and says, “She has not failed to point that
out to me.” And I says, “She naturally would not fail because we women
are good at seeing things that is right in front of our eyes,” I says,
“and what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander though not
meaning to speak disrespectful of you and Mrs. Edgerton,” I says. “Now
you have got to give her a square deal and you may be sure that I am
not going to help you do nothing else.”
And he laughs and says that I have become his syker and I says, “Well
at least I have cost you less than ten dollars an hour,” I says.
Well we go to a restaurant a swell one because I have got my swell new
clothes now and I have got my bright hair all cut off and my head fixed
with a veil and I am a respectable Emergency Field Grammarian so that
a member of the Administration can buy me a dinner without its being a
scandal. And Mom in this place they are so respectable that they bring
the cocktails to you in a soup-tureen and you eat them out of a dish
with a spoon and gee Mom it is so funny!
And we are talking all about international affairs and Mr. Edgerton
tells me the most interesting things it seems that the police has just
arrested a way high-up bootlegger and how they come to do such a thing
he cannot say but the police is getting more and more higher handed
all the time. I shall never forget my indignation while that one was
shooing me away from the Elite Beauty Parlors while I was leading the
strike.
Well anyhow they have got this bootlegger and he is got a notebook on
him with all the addresses of his customers and how much they have
bought and all and gee Mom it is the most awful thing because there is
senators and judges and some Persons the most sacred so that I would
not dare to put it into a letter except to say that a very very special
friend of mine is one of them and had just got a case of genuine
Scotch that very week and now it seems that some of them dry fellers
in Congress is got a hold of the story and is threatening to make
speeches about it and of course none of the papers is saying a word but
still everybody is scared because something might bust open. He says
that is always the way in political life you can never be really safe
because there is always some Bolshiviki senators that makes speeches
and there is Bolshiviki papers that will print what they say.
And he told me all about how it was when this new Spokesman first come
into office there was the most dreadful lot of scandals because it was
found that some of the brass kings had been buying up the government.
He explained to me how it is these brass fellers is very rich and great
sports and is used to getting what they want and paying what it costs
even if it is a member of the cabinet. And it seems that the government
owned a huge brass teapot somewhere in the West and it was the brass
reserve for the navy so that if ever there was to be a war we would
be able to make all the brass buttons that would be needed for the
sailors’ uniforms. But it seems that one of the brass kings paid a
hundred thousand dollars in a black bag to a member of the cabinet and
got away with this brass teapot.
I says, “Look ahere Mr. Edgerton what is this that you are telling me
the plot of a movie that you seen last night?” And he says, “Upon my
word no it is exactly what happened and I would rather of had to enlist
and sit for four years with German big Berthas dropping bomb-shells
onto me than go through with all that trouble again.”
I says, “What did you have to do with it?” and he says, “I was the
Spokesman’s Secretary all through it the same as I am now and my God
you could not think of anything so awful in a nightmare. You would
spend hours thinking up a story and then hold a session of the cabinet
and get everybody to agree and learn it by heart and then early next
morning you would get a call from the chief of the secret service
that in the night they had raided the rooms of one of them Bolshiviki
senators that was doing the exposures and they had found out that these
senators had got evidence that would knock your story into a cocked
hat. And then you would have to begin telephoning to all the members of
the cabinet to get them to change the story and a few hours later the
secret service would bring you word that the Bolshiviki senators had
tapped your telephone lines and heard what your new story was to be.
It went on like that for weeks,” he says, “and the Spokesman was just
about paralyzed with fright.”
“Well,” I says, “Mr. Edgerton does it not suggest that maybe there is
something in my idea of just telling the plane truth all the time?” But
he will not hear to no such Sunday school talk as he calls it because
he says, “How can you tell the truth when the truth is that everybody
you know has been helping himself to everything he could get his hands
on?”
I says, “Mr. Edgerton there is a lot about this political game that is
hard for an outsider to understand and one of the things is how it can
be called patriotism and economy and all that when people that holds
high office is busy robbing the government?” I says. “It seems to me
we are giving the Bolshivikis too easy an argument if that is the ways
things is.”
“Yes,” he says, “I know it seems like that and it is complicated and
hard for the plain people to understand but I have heard the Spokesman
Himself explain it and it is quite all right when you get His ideas.
You see there is all kinds of wealth that the government is got but is
not able to make use of it because the government is got no business
being in business which it cannot run economical or efficient. The
right people to own all these resources is the big business men that is
got the money and brains and everything and so it is a real advantage
to the people when the business men get these things away from the
government.”
“You mean even when they have got to steal them?” I says.
“Yes,” he says, “that is what the Spokesman thinks and in the long run
He is right because for example take this here teapot and you will see
that while the government owned it it was not doing nothing but now
that the brass kings have got it they have set it on the fire and it is
boiling away and making tea for people to drink.”
“Well that sounds all right,” I says, “but I would want to know which
people is drinking the tea and is it the brass kings?”
“Well yes,” he says, “I suppose it is them that gets the most of the
tea but then if they hadn’t of stole the teapot there wouldn’t nobody
of got no tea at all.”
So you see again Mom how complicated these international affairs is and
what a tremendous job I have got to understand them. But you tell Pop
that he does not ever need to worry that I will get a swelled head even
though I am getting to understand them better than him.
Your devoted daughter
MAME.
LETTER XVIII
IN WHICH I STICK TO THE JOB
DEAR MOM:
I have got my first week’s salary as Emergency Field Grammarian and
gee it is wonderful. All that I have to do is to go to the department
and sign my name three times and I get what is called a warrant that
anybody will give me the money for. And I felt so rich and fine with
that $26 in my purse the first thing I did was to buy this money order
to pay you back your two spots and three spots extra.
And then I remembered what Mr. Edgerton said that I must not lose touch
with the plain people but remember how they feel so that I will be able
to tell him so that he can tell the Spokesman up at the big white house
what to say to all the newspaper reporters. So I decided that I would
meet some plain people right away so what should I do but pay a call on
the Elite Beauty Parlors? It is lovely warm spring weather and I have
got on my fine new clothes and I walk in as cool as a pineapple sundae
and look round and see that Floradumbelle has no customer so I walk to
her table and sit myself down and I says, “Well good afternoon and how
is things going in the old shop?”
Well there is the madame and she glares at me like the old she-devil
that she is, and Floradumbelle she stares with her mouth open and all
the other girls is stopping their work to stare and I am taking off
my pearl grey gloves in no hurry and I says, “I would like to have a
manicuring if this shop aint raised its prices too many times since I
was here.”
So of course what can she do but start work and the madame what can she
do but hold her mouth and me what am I there for but to talk? So I says
in a good loud voice, “Oh Flora dear I am having such a wonderful time
and rising so fast in the world I am an Emergency Field Grammarian to
the Bureau of Indian Affairs of the Department of the Interior and it
is a most responsible position and I do not have to do a thing except
what I please and I can travel and have an allowance for expenses and
I am going to Camden New Jersey the first time I can be spared from
the government and see my Mom and my Pop and my fyansay. And hello
Adair,” I says, “and hello Hotaire and hello Mary May Marie,” I says,
“I thought I would drop in for the sake of old times because you see
I have got to keep in touch with the plain people and not forget how
it is that they feel and what they think about international affairs.
And what do you say to this idea of the secretary of state that they
call Scared Sally letting in this Bolshiviki count to be with his sick
wife?” I says.
Well it costs me two-fifty to have that splurge but there is nothing
that has made me feel so good since I come to Washington, D. C. And
then I have a stroll down the street and look at all the pretty things
in the shop windows and think that I am going to have seven-fifty more
each week to spend like I want to only for what I send to you Mom and I
sure do think this is a wonderful government and the greatest country
in the whole world. And then I have got a date to have dinner with Mr.
Edgerton in that same Imperial Cafay where you get the cocktails in a
soup-tureen and I tell him about how I been to the Elite and show him
what was the expression on Madame Lafferty’s face and he says, “Mame,”
he says, “you might of been a great actress like your Mom.”
Well then I tell him what the girls is said about that there Bolshiviki
count that is to be let into the country and what a mistake it is and
he says, “You can see the mistake for already the news has been cabled
to that there Hungry country and there is a lot of stuff cabled back
about what it is that the count would of said if he had not of pledged
that he would not say nothing.” And I says, “Yes I have read it and it
is terrible stuff and I do not understand because it says this here
Bolshiviki count is charging that the people that is opposing him is
killing and shooting people and torturing them in dungeons and all that
and all the time I have been told that it is the Bolshivikis that does
that and here it seems to be the other side that is doing it.”
And he says, “So you see just how the propaganda works,” he says, “that
is the whole purpose to get you to asking questions like that.”
But I says, “Is it true?”
And he says, “There it is,” he says, “you can see how he has sewed
some doubts into a mind that had never before had none but had always
believed the right thing.”
“Yes but look here Mr. Edgerton stop kidding me I want to know what is
the truth.”
“Yes but my dear Mamie I want to show you how this poison spreads
because here you are pushing me for an answer and if it had not of been
for this here count you would never of thought about it at all.”
And then he stops kidding and explains how it is that on one side is
ladies and gentlemen what is doing the killing and on the other side
it is just common dirty workingmen and of course our country is got
to see to it that the side of refinement is victorious and that the
wives of the young sectaries in the state department is not stopped
from being noble and rich. It would be breaking up the home he says
if it was to be any other way for what would become of the foreign
matrimonial market if our young men of fashion was to pay for a peach
and find they have got a lemon?
Well I guess I am being a dumbell again but I do not know exactly
whether he is joking but it seems that he is real angry because his
advice is not took and the Spokesman is not got the sense to stay as
the Strong Silent Man which is what Mr. Edgerton made Him and the only
thing that any man can be when He does not know enough to be nothing
else.
And by and by we got out of the restaurant and are walking in the park
and it is moonlight and soft and sweet and romantic and Mr. Edgerton
he says, “Well I have got some news for you my dear Mamie that I fear
will make you very sad I am going to quit this job as the Spokesman’s
Secretary.” And I says, “My God!” and my knees is like to give away.