MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE.
When the Japanese maiden arrives at the age of sixteen, or thereabouts,
she is expected as a matter of course to marry. She is usually allowed
her choice in regard to whether she will or will not marry a certain
man, but she is expected to marry some one, and not to take too much
time in making up her mind. The alternative of perpetual spinsterhood is
never considered, either by herself or her parents. Marriage is as much
a matter of course in a woman's life as death, and is no more to be
avoided. This being the case, our young woman has only as much liberty
of choice accorded to her as is likely to provide against a great amount
of unhappiness in her married life. If she positively objects to the man
who is proposed to her, she is seldom forced to marry him, but no more
cordial feeling than simple toleration is expected of her before
marriage.
The courtship is somewhat after the following manner. A young man, who
finds himself in a position to marry, speaks to some married friend, and
asks him to be on the lookout for a beautiful[11] and accomplished
maiden, who would be willing to become his wife. The friend, acting
rather as advance agent, makes a canvass of all the young maidens of his
acquaintance, inquiring among his friends; and finally decides that
so-and-so (Miss Flower, let us say) will be a very good match for his
friend. Having arrived at this decision, he goes to Miss Flower's
parents and lays the case of his friend before them. Should they approve
of the suitor, a party is arranged at the house of some common friend,
where the young people may have a chance to meet each other and decide
each upon the other's merits. Should the young folks find no fault with
the match, presents are exchanged,[12] a formal betrothal is entered
into, and the marriage is hastened forward. All arrangements between the
contracting parties are made by go-betweens, or seconds, who hold
themselves responsible for the success of the marriage, and must be
concerned in the divorce proceedings, should divorce become desirable or
necessary.
[11] The Japanese standard of female beauty differs in many respects
from our own, so that it is almost impossible for a foreigner visiting
Japan to comprehend the judgments of the Japanese in regard to the
beauty of their own women, and even more impossible for the untraveled
Japanese to discover the reasons for a foreigner's judgments upon either
Japanese or foreign beauties. To the Japanese, the ideal female face
must be long and narrow; the forehead high and narrow in the middle, but
widening and lowering at the sides, conforming to the outline of the
beloved Fuji, the mountain that Japanese art loves to picture. The hair
should be straight and glossy black, and absolutely smooth. Japanese
ladies who have the misfortune to have any wave or ripple in their hair,
as many of them do, are at as much pains to straighten it in the
dressing as American ladies are to simulate a natural curl, when Nature
has denied them that charm. The eyes should be long and narrow, slanting
upward at the outer corners; and the eyebrows should be delicate lines,
high above the eye itself. The distinctly aquiline nose should be low at
the bridge, the curve outward beginning much lower down than upon the
Caucasian face; and the eye-socket should not be outlined at all, either
by the brow, the cheek, or by the nose. It is this flatness of the face
about the eyes that gives the mildness of expression to all young people
of Mongolian type that is so noticeable a trait always in their
physiognomy. The mouth of an aristocratic Japanese lady must be small,
and the lips full and red; the neck, a conspicuous feature always when
the Japanese dress is worn, should be long and slender, and gracefully
curved. The complexion should be light,--a clear ivory-white, with
little color in the cheeks. The blooming country girl style of beauty is
not admired, and everything, even to color in the cheeks, must be
sacrificed to gain the delicacy that is the _sine qua non_ of the
Japanese beauty. The figure should be slender, the waist long, but not
especially small, and the hips narrow, to secure the best effect with
the Japanese dress. The head and shoulders should be carried slightly
forward, and the body should also be bent forward slightly at the waist,
to secure the most womanly and aristocratic carriage. In walking, the
step should be short and quick, with the toes turned in, and the foot
lifted so slightly that either clog or sandal will scuff with every
step. This is necessary for modesty, with the narrow skirt of the
Japanese dress.
Contrast with this type the fair, curling hair, the round blue eyes, the
rosy cheeks, the erect, slim-waisted, large-hipped figures of many
foreign beauties,--the rapid, long, clean-stepping walk, and the air of
almost masculine strength and independence, which belongs especially to
English and American women,--and one can see how the Japanese find
little that they recognize as beauty among them. Blue eyes, set into
deep sockets, and with the bridge of the nose rising as a barrier
between them, impart a fierce grotesqueness to the face, that the
untraveled Japanese seldom admire. The very babies will scream with
horror at first sight of a blue-eyed, light-haired foreigner, and it is
only after considerable familiarity with such persons that they can be
induced to show anything but the wildest fright in their presence.
Foreigners who have lived a great deal among the Japanese find their
standards unconsciously changing, and see, to their own surprise, that
their countrywomen look ungainly, fierce, aggressive, and awkward among
the small, mild, shrinking, and graceful Japanese ladies.
[12] The present from the groom is usually a piece of handsome silk,
used for the _obi_ or girdle. This takes the place of the conventional
engagement ring of Europe and America.[*60] From the family of the
bride, silk, such as is made up into men's dresses, is sent.
The marriage ceremony, which seems to be neither religious nor legal in
its nature,[*61a] takes place at the house of the groom, to which the
bride is carried, accompanied by her go-betweens, and, if she be of the
higher classes, by her own confidential maid, who will serve her as her
personal attendant in the new life in her husband's house. The trousseau
and household goods, which the bride is expected to bring with her, are
sent before.[*61b] The household goods required by custom as a part of
the outfit of every bride are as follows: A bureau; a low desk or table
for writing; a work-box; two of the lacquer trays or tables on which
meals are served, together with everything required for furnishing them,
even to the chopsticks; and two or more complete sets of handsome bed
furnishings. The trousseau will contain, if the bride be of a well-to-do
family, dresses for all seasons, and handsome sashes without number; for
the unchanging fashions of Japan, together with the durable quality of
the dress material, make it possible for a woman, at the time of her
marriage, to enter her husband's house with a supply of clothing that
may last her through her lifetime. The parents of the bride, in giving
up their daughter, as they do when she marries, show the estimation in
which they have held her by the beauty and completeness of the trousseau
with which they provide her. This is her very own; and in the event of a
divorce, she brings back with her to her father's house the clothing and
household goods that she carried away as a bride.
With the bride and her trousseau are sent a great number of presents
from the family of the bride to the members of the groom's household.
Each member of the family, from the aged grandfather to the youngest
grandchild, receives some remembrance of the occasion; and even the
servants and retainers, down to the _jinrikisha_ men, and the _bett[=o]_
in the stables, are not forgotten by the bride's relatives. Beside this
present-giving, the friends and relatives of the bride and groom, as in
this country, send gifts to the young couple, often some article for use
in the household, or crêpe or silk for dresses.
In old times, the wedding took place in the afternoon, but it is now
usually celebrated in the evening. The ceremony consists merely in a
formal drinking of the native wine (_saké_) from a two-spouted cup,
which is presented to the mouths of the bride and groom alternately.
This drinking from one cup is a symbol of the equal sharing of the joys
and sorrows of married life. At the ceremony no one is present but the
bride and bridegroom, their go-betweens, and a young girl, whose duty it
is to present the cup to the lips of the contracting parties. When this
is over, the wedding guests, who have been assembled in the next room
during the ceremony, join the wedding party, a grand feast is spread,
and much merriment ensues.[13]
[13] Many women still blacken their teeth after marriage, after the
manner universal in the past; but this custom is, fortunately, rapidly
going out of fashion.
On the third day after the wedding, the newly married couple are
expected to make a visit to the bride's family, and for this great
preparations are made. A large party is usually given by the bride's
parents, either in the afternoon or evening, in honor of this occasion,
to which the friends of the bride's family are invited. The young
couple bring with them presents from the groom's family to the bride's,
in return for the presents sent on the wedding day.[*64]
The festivities often begin early in the afternoon and keep up until
late at night. A fine dinner is served, and music and dancing, by
professional performers, or some other entertainment, serve to make the
time pass pleasantly. The bride appears as hostess with her mother,
entertaining the company, and receiving their congratulations, and must
remain to speed the last departing guest, before leaving the paternal
roof.
Within the course of two or three months, the newly married couple are
expected to give an entertainment, or series of entertainments, to their
friends, as an announcement of the marriage. As the wedding ceremony is
private, and no notice is given, nor are cards sent out, this is
sometimes the first intimation that is received of the marriage by many
of the acquaintances, though the news of a wedding usually travels
quickly. The entertainment may be a dinner party, given at home, or at
some tea-house, similar in many ways to the one given at the bride's
home by her parents. Sometimes it is a garden party, and very lately it
has become the fashion for officials and people of high rank to give a
ball in foreign style.
Besides the entertainment, presents of red rice, or _mochi_, are sent as
a token of thanks to all who have remembered the young couple. These are
arranged even more elaborately than the ones sent after the birth of an
heir.
The young people are not, as in this country, expected to set up
housekeeping by themselves, and establish a new home. Marriages often
take place early in life, even before the husband has any means of
supporting a family; and as a matter of course, a son with his wife
makes his abode with his parents, and forms simply a new branch of the
household.
The only act required to make the marriage legal is the withdrawal of
the bride's name from the list of her father's family as registered by
the government, and its entry upon the register of her husband's family.
From that time forward she severs all ties with her father's house, save
those of affection, and is more closely related by law and custom to
her husband's relatives than to her own. Even this legal recognition of
her marriage is a comparatively new thing in Japan, as is any limitation
of the right of divorce on the part of the husband, or extension of that
right to the wife.[14]
[14] "As early as 1870 an edict was published by which official notice
and approbation were made necessary preliminaries to every matrimonial
contract. In the following year the class-limitations upon freedom of
marriage were abolished, and two years later the right of suing for a
divorce was conceded to the wife."--Rein's _Japan_, p. 425.
At present in Japan the marriage relation is by no means a permanent
one, as it is virtually dissoluble at the will of either party, and the
condition of public opinion is such among the lower classes that it is
not an unknown occurrence for a man to marry and divorce several wives
in succession; and for a woman, who has been divorced once or twice, to
be willing and able to marry well a second or even a third time. Among
the higher classes, the dread of the scandal and gossip, that must
attach themselves to troubles between man and wife, serves as a
restraint upon too free use of the power of divorce; but still,
divorces among the higher classes are so common now that one meets
numerous respectable and respected persons who have at some time in
their lives gone through such an experience.
One provision of the law, which serves to make most mothers endure any
evil of married life rather than sue for a divorce, is the fact that the
children belong to the father; and no matter how unfit a person he may
be to have the care of them, the disposal of them in case of a divorce
rests absolutely with him. A divorced woman returns childless to her
father's house; and many women, in consequence of this law or custom,
will do their best to keep the family together, working the more
strenuously in this direction, the more brutal and worthless the husband
proves himself to be.
The ancestor worship, as found in Japan, the tracing of relationship in
the male line only, and the generally accepted belief that children
inherit their qualities from their father rather than from the mother,
make them his children and not hers. Thus we often see children of noble
rank on the father's side, but ignoble on the mother's, inherit the
rank of their father, and not permitted even to recognize their mother
as in any way their equal. If she is plebeian, the children are not
regarded as tainted by it.
In the case of divorce, even if the law allowed the mother to keep her
children, it would be almost an impossibility for her to do so. She has
no means of earning her bread and theirs, for few occupations are open
to women, and she is forced to become a dependent on her father, or some
male relative. Whatever they may be willing to do for her, it is quite
likely that they would begrudge aid to the children of another family,
with whom custom hardly recognizes any tie. The children are the
children of the man whose name they bear. If the woman is a favorite
daughter, it may happen that her father will take her and her children
under his roof, and support them all; but this is a rare exception, and
only possible when the husband first gives up all claim to the children.
There comes to my mind now a case illustrating this point, which I think
I may cite without betraying confidence. It is that of a most attractive
young woman who was married to a worthless husband, but lived
faithfully with him for several years, and became the mother of three
children. The husband, who seemed at first merely good-for-nothing,
became worse as the years went by, drank himself out of situation after
situation procured for him by powerful relatives, and at last became so
violent that he even beat his wife and threatened his children, a
proceeding most unusual on the part of a Japanese husband and father.
The poor wife was at last obliged to flee from her husband's house to
her mother's, taking her children with her. She sued for a divorce and
obtained it, and is now married again; her youth, good looks, and high
connections procuring her a very good catch for her second venture in
matrimony; but her children are lost to her, and belong wholly to their
worthless, drunken father.
Of the lack of permanence in the marriage relation among the lower
classes, the domestic changes of one of my servants in T[=o]ky[=o]
afford an amusing illustration. The man, whom I had hired in the double
capacity of _jinrikisha_ man and _bett[=o]_ or groom, was a strong,
faithful, pleasant-faced fellow, recently come to T[=o]ky[=o] from the
country. I inquired, when I engaged him, whether he had a wife, as I
wanted some one who could remain in his room in the stable in care of
the horse when he was pulling me about in the _jinrikisha_. He replied
that he had a wife, but she was now at Utsunomiya, the country town from
which he had come, but he would send for her at once, and she would be
in T[=o]ky[=o] in the course of a week or two. Two or three weeks passed
and no wife appeared, so I inquired of my cook and head servant what had
become of Yasaku's wife. He replied, with a twinkle in his eye, that she
had found work in Utsunomiya and did not wish to come. A week more
passed, and still no wife, and further inquiries elicited from the cook
the information that Yasaku had divorced her for disobedience, and was
on the lookout for a new and more docile helpmate. His first thought was
of the maidservant of the Japanese family who lived in the same house
with me, a broad-faced, red-cheeked country girl, of a very low grade of
intelligence. He gave this up, however, because he thought it would not
be polite to put my friends to inconvenience by taking away their
servant. His next effort was by negotiation through a T[=o]ky[=o]
friend; but apparently Yasaku's country manners were not to the taste of
the T[=o]ky[=o] damsels, for he met with no success, and was at last
driven to write to his father in Utsunomiya asking him to select him a
wife and bring her down to T[=o]ky[=o].
The selection took a week or two, and at last my maid told me that
Yasaku's wife was coming by the next morning's train. A look into the
_bett[=o]'s_ quarters in the stable showed great preparations for the
bride. The mats, new-covered with nice straw matting, were white and
clean; the _shoji_ were mended with new paper; the walls covered with
bright-colored pictures; and various new domestic conveniences had
nearly bankrupted Yasaku, in spite of his large salary of ten dollars a
month. He had ordered a fine feast at a neighboring tea house, had had
cards printed with his own name in English and Japanese, and had
altogether been to such great expense that he had had to put his winter
clothes in pawn to secure the necessary money.
The day chosen for the marriage was rainy, and, though Yasaku spent all
his time in going to trains, no bridal party appeared; and he came home
at night disconsolate, to smoke his good-night pipe over his solitary
_hibachi_. He was, no doubt, angry as well as disconsolate, for he sat
down and penned a severe letter to his father, in which he said that, if
the bride did not appear on the next day counted lucky for a wedding (no
Japanese would be married on an unlucky day), they could send her back
to her father's house, for he would none of her. This letter did its
work, for on the next lucky day, about ten days later, the bride
appeared, and Yasaku was given two days of holiday on the agreement that
he should not be married again while he remained in my service. On the
evening of the second day, the bride came in to pay me her respects,
and, crouching on her hands and knees before me, literally trembled
under the excitement of her first introduction to a foreigner. She was a
girl of rather unattractive exterior, fat and heavy, and rather older
than Yasaku had bargained for, I imagine; at any rate, from the first,
he seemed dissatisfied with his "pig in a poke," and after a couple of
months sent her home to her parents, and was all ready to start out
again in the hope of better luck next time.
Here is another instance, from the woman's side. Upon one occasion, when
I was visiting a Japanese lady of high rank who kept a retinue of
servants, the woman who came in with the tea bowed and smiled upon me as
if greeting me after a long absence. As I was in and out of the house
nearly every day, I was a little surprised at this demonstration, which
was quite different from the formal bow that is given by the servant to
her mistress's guest upon ordinary occasions. When she went out my
friend said, "You see O Kiku has come back." As I did not know that the
woman had been away, the news of her return did not affect me greatly
until I learned the history of her departure. It seemed that about a
month before, she had left her mistress's house to be married; and the
day before my visit she had quietly presented herself, and announced
that she had come back, if they would take her in. My friend had asked
her what had happened,--whether she had found her husband unkind. No,
her husband was very nice, very kind and good, but his mother was simply
unbearable; she made her work so hard that she actually had no time to
rest at all. She had known before her marriage that her proposed
mother-in-law was a hard task-mistress, but her husband had promised
that his mother should live with his older brother, and they should have
their housekeeping quite independent and separate. As the mother was
then living with her older son, it seemed unlikely that she would care
to move, and O Kiku San had married on that supposition. But it seemed
that the wife of the older brother was both lazy and bad-tempered, and
the new wife of the younger brother soon proved herself industrious and
good-natured. As the mother's main thought was to go where she would get
the most comfort and waiting upon, she moved from the elder son's house
to that of her younger son, and began leading her new daughter-in-law
such a life that she soon gave up the effort to live with her husband,
sued for a divorce, obtained it, and was back in her old place, all in a
month's time from the date of her marriage.
But our readers must not suppose, from the various incidents given,
that few happy marriages take place in Japan, or that, in every rank of
life, divorce is of every-day occurrence. On the contrary, there seems
cause for wonder, not that there are so many divorces, but that there
are so many happy marriages, with wives and husbands devoted and
faithful. For a nobleman in the olden times to divorce his wife would
have caused such a scandal and talk that it rarely occurred. If the wife
were disliked, he need have little or nothing to do with her, their
rooms, their meals, and their attendance being entirely separate, but he
rarely took away from her the name of wife, empty as it might be. She
usually would be from some other noble house, and great trouble would
arise between the families if he attempted to divorce her. The _samurai_
also, with the same loyalty which they displayed for their lords, were
loyal to their wives, and many a novel has been written, or play acted,
showing the devotion of husband and wife. The quiet, undemonstrative
love, though very different from the ravings of a lover in the
nineteenth century novel, is perhaps truer to life.
Among the merchants and lower classes there has been, and is, a much
lower standard of morality, but the few years which have passed since
the Revolution of 1868 are not a fair sample of what Japan has been.
Noblemen, _samurai_, and merchants have had much to undergo in the great
changes, and, as is the case in all such transition periods, old customs
and restraints, and old standards of morality, have been broken down and
have not been replaced. There is no doubt that men have run to excesses
of all sorts, and divorces have been much more frequent of late
years.[*76]
Our little Japanese maiden knows, when she blackens her teeth, dons her
wedding dress, and starts on her bridal journey to her husband's house,
that upon her good behavior alone depend her chances of a happy life.
She is to be henceforth the property of a man of whom she probably knows
little, and who has the power, at any whim, to send her back to her
father's house in disgrace, deprived of her children, with nothing to
live for or hope for, except that some man will overlook the disgrace of
her divorce, and by marrying her give her the only opportunity that a
Japanese woman can have of a home other than that of a servant or
dependent. That these evils will be remedied in time, there seems little
reason to doubt, but just now the various cooks who are engaged in
brewing the broth of the new civilization are disagreed in regard to the
condiments required for its proper flavoring. The conservatives wish to
flavor strongly with the subjection and dependence of women, believing
that only by that means can feminine virtue be preserved. The younger
men, of foreign education, would drop into the boiling pot the flavor of
culture and broader outlook; for by this means they hope to secure
happier homes for all, and better mothers for their children. The
missionaries and native Christians believe that, when the whole mixture
is well impregnated with practical Christianity, the desired result will
be achieved. All are agreed on this point, that a strong public opinion
is necessary before improved legislation can produce much effect; and
so, for the present, legislation remains in the background, until the
time shall come when it can be used in the right way.
Let us examine the two remedies suggested by the reformers, and see
what effect has been produced by each so far, and what may be expected
of them in the future. Taking education first, what are the effects
produced so far by educating women to a point above the old Japanese
standard? In many happy homes to-day, we find husbands educated abroad,
and knowing something of the home life of foreign lands, who have sought
out wives of broad intellectual culture, and who make them friends and
confidants, not simply housekeepers and head-servants. In such homes the
wife has freedom, not such as is enjoyed by American women, perhaps, but
equal to that of most European women. In such homes love and equality
rule, and the power of the mother-in-law grows weak. To her is paid due
respect, but she seldom has the despotic control which often makes the
beginning of married life hard to the Japanese wife. These homes are
sending out healthy influences that are daily having their effect, and
raising the position of women in Japan.
But for the young girl whose mind has been broadened by the new
education, and who marries, as the majority of Japanese girls must, not
in accordance with her own wishes, but in obedience to the will of her
parents, a hard life is in store. A woman's education, under the old
régime, was one that fitted her well for the position that she was to
occupy. The higher courses of study only serve to make her kick against
the pricks, and render herself miserable where she might before have
been happy. With mind and character developed by education, she may be
obliged to enter the home of her husband's family, to be perhaps one
among many members under the same roof. In the training of her own
children, in the care of her own health and theirs, her wishes and
judgment must often yield to the prejudices of those above her, under
whose authority she is, and it may not be until many years have passed
that she will be in a position to influence in any measure the lives of
those nearest and dearest to her. Then, too, her life must be passed
entirely within the home, with no opportunities to meet or to mingle
with the great world of which she has read and studied. Surely her lot
is harder than that of the woman of the olden time, whose plain duty
always lay in the path of implicit obedience to her superiors, and who
never for one moment considered obedience to the dictates of her own
reason and conscience as an obligation higher than deference to the
wishes of husband and parents. Education, without further amelioration
of their lot as wives and mothers, can but result in making the women
discontented and unhappy,--in many cases injuring their health by worry
over the constant petty disappointments and baffled desires of their
lives.
This to superficial observers would seem a step backward rather than
forward, and it is to this cause that the present reaction against
female education may be traced. The first generation or two of educated
women must endure much for the sake of those who come after, and by many
this vicarious suffering is misunderstood, and distaste on the part of
educated girls for marriage, as it now exists in Japan, is regarded as
one of the sure signs that education is a failure. Without some change
in the position of wife and mother, this feeling will grow into absolute
repugnance, if women continue to be educated after the Western fashion.
The second remedy that is suggested is Christianity, a remedy which is
even now at work. Wherever one finds in Japan a Christian home, there
one finds the wife and mother occupying the position that she occupies
all over Christendom. The Christian man, in choosing his wife, feels
that it is not an ordinary contract, which may be dissolved at any time
at the will of the contracting parties, but that it is a union for life.
Consequently, in making his choice he is more careful, takes more time,
and thinks more of the personal qualities of the woman he is about to
marry. Thus the chances are better at the beginning for the
establishment of a happy home, and such homes form centres of influence
throughout the length and breadth of the land to-day. Christianity in
the future will do much to mould public sentiment in the right way, and
can be trusted as a force that is sure to grow in time to be a mighty
power in the councils of the nation.
One more remedy might be suggested, as a preliminary to proper
legislation, or a necessary accompaniment of it, and that is, the
opening of new avenues of employment for women, and especially for
women of the cultivated classes. To-day marriage, no matter how
distasteful, is the only opening for a woman; for she can do nothing for
her own support, and cannot require her father to support her after she
has reached a marriageable age. As new ways of self-support present
themselves, and a woman may look forward to making a single life
tolerable by her own labor, the intelligent girls of the middle class
will no longer accept marriage as inevitable, but will only marry when
the suitor can offer a good home, kindness, affection, and security in
the tenure of these blessings. So far, there is little employment for
women, except as teachers; but even this change in the condition of
things is forming a class, as yet small, but increasing yearly, of women
who enjoy a life of independence, though accompanied by much hard work,
more than the present life of a Japanese married woman. In this class we
find some of the most intelligent and respected of the women of new
Japan; and the growth of this class is one of the surest signs that the
present state of the laws and customs concerning marriage and divorce
is so unsatisfactory to the women that it must eventually be remedied,
if the educated and intelligent of the men care to take for their wives,
and for the mothers of their children, any but the less educated and
less intelligent of the women of their own nation.