alone in the gallery. The attendant and some of the patients had gone
to meeting. One of the attendants came in and talked with me; she spoke
more kind to me than any one had since I come into the house. I told
her my situation, and how I was a poor girl, and had from the age of
15 done for myself, and had never been sick, or any expense to the
family or any other one. She seemed to express a deal of sympathy for
me. She said it was a house of distress. I asked her how long she had
been there; she said, I think, from six to eight years. She said she
wished she had seen me when I first had been brought into that house.
I then asked her if she knew that christians could be destroyed there.
She seemed not inclined to express her mind freely to me, but said that
she had been tried much in her feelings, to see poor christians so
troubled about their religion in that house, and if their friends knew
what was best for them they would not bring them there. She desired me
to control my feelings as much as possible. If I did not, I should be
showered. I then enquired what that meant; she then described it to me,
that I should be stripped of all my clothes, and cold water poured upon
me, and I should be carried on to another gallery, where the society
would not be so pleasant, neither the accommodations so good. I told
her that my distress was so great that it was impossible. I then asked
her how she could be knowing to such a crime and not to make it known
to the world, for it was worse than murdering a person in this life.
She said she supposed my folks knew all about it before I was brought
there, but they would not be likely to tell me, and she bid me good
bye. It seemed good to have any one speak kind to me, although I had
then nearly lost all idea of holiness. When she left me, I laid myself
down upon the floor, and wept bitterly; I then thought I would make
way with myself, for I was betrayed; my relations had at last vented
their revenge upon me, and now I was an outcast forever, and never more
could be happy. I was now separated forever from my loved friends. I
thought of a much loved friend, Phebe Weir, who knew me before I was
converted, one that I used to talk much with about my spiritual life.
O, that she could but behold me.--Soon they returned from meeting, but
to cease from weeping and groaning, was impossible, for every nerve
in me was drawing and twinging as though they would break. Christian
reader, keep in mind that the spirit of Christ was killed in me, or I
could have blessed and praised God, amidst all this suffering. But this
distress of body was caused by the medicine given to me, to take away
the spirit of Christ. It may appear like derangement, but what I tell
you is the truth. Monday, I had endeavored to keep in my room as much
as possible, and to keep from groaning, though it come voluntary, for
I dreaded to be carried on to another gallery, exposed and showered
with cold water. But my sufferings would not cease in this world. I
could not look forward to never ending eternity of happiness, for the
idea of love had gone from me. I neither loved God, nor this world.
My body was now, as it were, dead; my brain was becoming a mineral
substance, all but my intellectual faculties. In the afternoon, Miss
Barber came in, in her masculine manner, to all appearance to exult in
human misery, and asked me to take her arm. I knew I was going on to
another gallery. I said nothing, for it would be of no use; hearts that
are so hardened in cruelty as they must be to do such crimes, would
not listen to entreaty. Accordingly I was led on to another gallery.
Here I found perfectly deranged people, and some appeared to be in a
great deal of distress. Esther Benton, the attendant, at first, was
quite kind to me, but soon she began to show her power. She knew well
my situation, for she had seen others suffer similarly about their
religion in that house, and I was regarded as a vagabond, as truly I
am. But would I have willingly thrown myself away? Is it not a law in
nature that every body desires happiness? But alas, for the want of a
kind friend, I am lost to all happiness here and hereafter. I cannot
enjoy carnal nor spiritual things. I stayed in this gallery about a
week, when Miss Barber came in one morning and said I must go down in
the other gallery if I cried so. I told her to carry me, for it was
the place of the greatest cruelty that I ever knew. How they could
witness a poor female suffer as I did, and to be accessory to it, I
thought of all the cruelty I ever read of I never read of any equal to
this. She led me down among perfect maniacs, in a cold, dark, cheerless
room, with no seat to sit on. Again I talked with Dr. Fox, and told
him that my brother told me it was a young ladies' boarding house, and
the Doctor was a pious man, and I expected to be taken under a Godly
influence, instead of being torn to pieces in this manner, by medicine.
I thought eternal life was of more importance than this life, and we
ought to seek the soul's salvation of each other. He said, _they did
not do such things there_, it was a place to get health, and he laughed
at me for coming there. I told him he might try to keep it covered up
under the garb of derangement, but I believed it would yet be exposed,
although I was the poor sufferer. He said both male and female had
suffered it before me, and would not publish it because it would be
looked upon as derangement, and no one would believe it. I then asked
him if holiness was liable to become a disease and medical men knew
it, ought they not to publish it to the world that every thing should
be done for a person first by the people of God, before the medicine
was given to them, and had such a crime ought to go under the garb of
derangement, and poor creatures suffer forever in consequence of it. He
seemed to think it was a very light thing, and laughed at me and said
I had prayed too much. This is Dr. Fox, a member of the congregational
church. Is this not worse than any crime that ever was practised upon
a poor helpless creature in any place of wickedness upon the face
of the earth. I found the attendant, Mrs. Emerson, very kind to me
uniformly, in this gallery, and she often spoke of the cruel treatment
of that house.--I stayed in this gallery until about the 26th of Dec.,
when Miss Barber came in and said that I must go to the cottage, or
it might more properly be called a stone dungeon, where there are six
cells, and some of them have a straw bed. The cell that I occupied had
one; but oh, they might have shut me up in a stone dungeon and made me
fast in the strap and buckle, and I would have praised God; but no, I
could not pray to God, my brain was like a mineral substance. I was
now enclosed in a stone dungeon, but I had a kind attendant by the
name of Sarah Brown. If I spoke of my situation and of the sweets of
redeeming love, I was mocked and laughed at by the Doctors, and Miss
Barber seemed to exult in my misery. I often plead to see some of my
relations, especially brother Stephen, who carried me there, but my
request they refused. I often spoke to the Trustees about my situation
and the manner of my life, and how cruelly I was deceived into that
house; but say what you will, it is regarded as derangement by them.
I had been in this stone dungeon about three or four days, I come to
the conclusion that I had nothing to live for; I was in distress of
body, from the crown of my head to the sole of my foot. I was guilty
of the blood of the covenant. I now did not love God or this world. My
learning was now taken from me, that I had labored hard to acquire.
My good name, which is better than precious ointment, was now gone. I
had become an outcast of earth and heaven. My food tasteless; I had
no longer any object to pursue. I accordingly made up my mind to take
my life that night. For that purpose I tore a piece of the sheet off.
I then thought of my hard labors and striving to get along, and my
desire to set a bright example, and what had it profited me, that in
my weakness I should be taken and shut up where no kind friend could
approach to save me from the brutal outrage of man. I expected never
again to see any one that I knew upon earth, and that while here I must
be among the worst of characters. The attendant came in and bid me good
night. I thought she was the last human being I should ever see; I had
got to go into hell's torment if I lived; and to live any longer I
thought there was no use. I laid down thinking I would wait until all
was still. About 12 o'clock, I judge, I rose and walked up and down my
cell, thinking that my life had become a burden to me. I thought of my
loved companions, my loved New Hampton teachers, and that happy circle
of acquaintances, and then how cruelly the cry had been raised about
me of being insane, in order to get me shut up, where this awful crime
could be done; how cruelly Caroline Dammers had incensed my brother
Stephen aguinst me, a young lady that I had done so much for; she had
been down in the summer and talked to my brother's folks about my being
so engaged in behalf of poor sinners, which was my meat and drink. If
it was looked upon as derangement, it was something that made me happy
and it did not lead me to do evil, but now I could not commit myself to
God, neither did I think by putting an end to my life, that I should
cease from one state of suffering and cruel tyranny. I put the string
round my neck, and attached it to a hinge of the door. I gave my weight
to the string, and began to lose all sense of feeling, the last I knew;
the first thing I knew again, I found myself laying on the floor, in
violent agony, hardly knowing anything. How long I had laid there I
know not. The sweat was pouring out of me profusely. At first I could
not move, but gradually come to. I recollected what I had attempted
to do, and felt for the string and found it had broken, and that was
the cause of my laying on the floor. I thought I would try the second
time, and made the attempt, but was so weak that I could not manage.
I began to feel a violent pain in my face, found my chin was badly
cut, and thought probably my jaw was broken, for it hurt me to move
it. I layed down and thought if it was broken it would be less painful
to have it attended to, than to wait until morning. I called to the
attendant, whose room was in the corner of the building. She came in
and asked me what was the matter. I feigned ignorance. She said their
was a great deal of blood upon the floor, and that my chin was badly
hurt. She called Miss Barber, they examined and found it not broken;
went out and left me alone again for the night, but I was so weak that
I could not attempt my life again. The next day the mark was observed
upon my neck, and it was suspected that I had attempted to make way
with myself, and then I had the leather muff put on. But what they
could wish to keep such a miserable suffering creature alive for, I did
not know, but several of the attendants advised me not to take my life,
but try to get out and publish it to the world.--I told them I would,
for if others had published it before me, I might have been saved from
suffering here and hereafter. Although my account was sealed with God,
yet I remembered the sweets of redeeming love, and how good it was to
pray to God; but now through the instrumentality of the wicked, in my
weakness, I must suffer forever. But the poor sons of God that have
suffered this before me, probably have taken their lives, for Dr. Fox
says that he has examined the bodies of those that have had the holy
spirit taken away from them, as I have, and says the organs are the
same, only they are contracted. I stayed in the dungeon until the month
of March, weeping and groaning my hours away. About the last of March I
was carried back from the dungeon to the gallery I left. Miss Emerson
was my attendant. The day I was carried back was very cold, and Miss
Barber ordered me to be locked up in my room, to exercise her authority
over me. Miss Emerson was a good nurse. She said it was too cold for
me to be there, coming out of such a warm room as the dungeon was. She
went and asked Miss Barber to let me come out; but no, she must keep
me locked up. Miss Emerson came in and told me I had better lay down,
for she knew the change of air was too much for me, even if I sat out
in the gallery, by the furnace, for this gallery is a cold comfortless
place. Towards night my distress increased, till it seemed as though
every bone in me would fall apart. It seemed as though my breath would
leave my body. Miss Emerson said she has told Miss Barber how cold I
was, but she did not regard it. But I was not the only sufferer on
account of their cruel treatment. Others were suffering the like in
different ways. I stayed in this gallery till about the last of July,
weeping and rolling on the floor, in pain, not allowed to lay on my
bed, and often stripped and showered, as I was told I should be, as a
punishment for weeping, because I was in distress, and lost to eternal
happiness, and deprived of my liberty, in the hands of tyrants. One
day, while I was laying on the floor in agony, Dr. Bell came in and
said that brother James had been there. I asked him what was the reason
he did not let me see him, and he said he did not wish to see me; he
was glad I was there, and wished I had been two years before. This
added double grief, and Dr. Bell seemed delighted to tell me of it, to
tantalize me, and that he was so completely held up in his cruelty. I
told him that this brother did not know the agony that I was in, for I
did not think he could have the heart to rejoice in my misery, and to
wish I had this brutal act done to me two years before. This brother I
had done for more or less from a child; he being the youngest, I had
helped pay his board, his tuition, bought him books and clothes, and
all the money that I had, I let him have to help him along; and could
this be the way he was rewarding me for it? In this land of liberty
where every one has a right to worship God as they please, must he rise
against me and worse than murder me, because I worshipped God contrary
to his views. He believes all will go to heaven whether they have in
them the hope of glory or not. But he has a right to his belief. My
religion would not have led me to be accessory to his imprisonment, and
more especially to have medicine given him to rack and torture him.
One day when the trustees were there, I addressed Mr Lowell about my
situation; he gave a listening ear, when Dr. Bell stepped forward and
said my physician said that I was a fit subject for the house. I told
him I had no physician, for I never was sick but once in my life, and
that was two years ago. He said he had a line from Wheelock Graves,
and one from Elder Cole, my minister. This surprised me, that a leader
of God's people, to lead them out of sin, should give a line for a
poor girl to be carried into an Insane Assylum. He knew my case, and
had heard me tell how God had dealt with me. But I told Dr. Bell I did
not believe it, although it gave him the lie. I believed Elder Cole to
be too good a man and friend to humanity to wish to destroy a young
girl's character so much as to give a line for me to be carried into
an Insane Assylum, the third day of my leaving my work. I asked Mr.
Lowell to go and see my brother Stephen; but it availed nothing, for
they all understood the iniquity of that house. I had not seen any one
since I had been there that I ever saw before, excepting a Miss Dutton,
that I met at Elder Hime's meeting in Boston, who was there a private
attendant to a lady for a short time. In the month of May, Catharine,
brother Eben's wife, came to see me, I told her as much as possible
what I had suffered, and how destroyed I was, and asked her why she
did not tell me where I was going, and what was to be done to me. She
said she did not know it till I was just going out of the house, but
I did not believe it, for her husband was one of the bondsmen. This
brother's wife I had loved much for her strong virtuous principles and
piety. How she could have been accessory to this treatment towards me,
to screen them from public censure, I did not know; but the deed was
done. She stopped about ten minutes, and said she would come and see
me again. But the summer passed away without one coming to see me. I
often plead with Dr. Bell to let me see some one, but I was told that
they did not wish to see me. I of course thought they did not, for I
always was despised by the whole family, for what I did not know. But I
buried it all in my own heart, looking forward when I should be forced
from this world of trouble and sorrow, for my forerunner was a man of
sorrow, and acquainted with grief; and I must bear all things even as
he bore it. I had friends that were dear to me, and I thought I should
like to see them once more upon earth. The cruel mockery and ridicule
that I had heaped upon me there was enough to cause any female to be
sick of her life. They seemed to take delight in saying things to try
me.--Miss Barber and Dr. Fox were in the gallery together, the Doctor
stood laughing at me, for I was in violent distress and crying. He
said he thought I grew fat on it. Miss Barber said sneeringly, do you
not expect to enter the pearly gates and walk the golden streets of
the city of the New Jerusalem? I had lost all idea of holiness, and I
am utterly incapable of using good language. I thought of what I once
was, and to be brought to this low degraded state, to suffer thus in a
gospel land, grieved me.
It is the practice for physicians from other Assylums to visit there,
and see all the patients. One day there was a Dr. Ray, with others
from the Maine Assylum; Dr. Bell began to mock me about being married,
knowing that all my affections were dead, to see what effect it would
have upon me, holding my pulse at the time, and laughing at each other.
To be made a subject of mockery before men in this obscene manner was
too much, I appealed to his benevolence to spare me this cruel mockery;
spoke of female character, and that I had done much to save females
from the stream of pollution. My feelings were overcome, and I seized
hold of a chair to save me from falling, but I was too far gone and
fell upon the floor, and then a roar of laughter was set up by all.
I went into my room and layed myself upon the bed. I thought of the
poor slave, but oh, they do not know their happiness; gladly would
I exchange situations with any one that ever suffered from the rude
barbarian; and yet it is thrown back upon me that it is derangement,
and my cruel torturers are held up and applauded. I sent a letter to
brother Eben's wife, to come; but I received no visit from her on
account of her peculiar circumstances. I saw no one until the 22d of
Dec. I had been there then thirteen months, and had seen only brother
Eben's wife. I plead with my brother to let me go home; he said he
was not willing, but I might come out to his house after his wife's
health was better. I felt that I was such an outcast that I had no
people to go to; but that a mother must have a mother's feelings, and
I knew not who to look to in the world in my lost, ruined condition,
but a parent. My brother seemed to feel for my ruined condition, and
asked me why I did not tell what my situation was, for he knew nothing
about it only what they told him. This brother had never opposed me in
my religion, and I had always taken a very active part in his family
devotion, as his wife is a member of a congregational church. I told
him I plead with Stephen not to leave me, not knowing that it was an
Insane Assylum, or what was to be done to me. I told him how I was
deprived the privilege of writing. He said he did not wish me treated
ill, and wished me to come out to his house. I told him I wanted to
go home. He stopped about an hour with me, and bid me good bye, and
said he would come again. This was about the 24th of Dec. I asked Dr.
Bell to let me write to my brother, stating that I would go out to his
house, for I wanted to get out of that place; he gave me a very short
answer; he said he was not willing that I should write to my brother,
or any other one. I then told him that my brother told me I could write
to him anything that I wished. He said if my brother told me so, he
was not willing; I did not rest at this, but constantly plead with him
to grant me the privilege, but could not prevail upon him, for he said
that my brother was glad I had not accepted his invitation. Then I
took the liberty of writing without his consent, and handed it to Mr.
Appleton, one of the Trustees, requesting him to prevail on Dr. Bell to
let him take that letter to my brother, and wrote one to Mr. Appleton
at the same time, stating the reason of taking that liberty. He told
me he would talk with Dr. Bell about it. The next day I asked Dr. Bell
if he had sent my letter; he said no; I asked him the reason; he said
it was because he thought my brother would not grant my request. In my
letter I requested my brother to let me have a change; if he thought it
not proper to come to his house, to let me go any where else. I saw no
one again until March, when my mother come to see me with brother E.
I had written to have him come and see me, and what my situation was.
Little did I think but what my parent knew of my situation when I was
first put in there. But I had been there about a year before they knew
any thing about it. She stopped about an hour. At first she appeared
to be quite affected; but my mother does not profess spirituality,
and always opposed me about my religion, and often said, after I met
with a change, that she thought I was deranged. Of course she regarded
me as a deranged person. I plead her to stay all night with me, but
she returned with my brother that night, and said she would come on
Saturday. On Saturday she came on the gallery to see me, about two
o'clock, and returned with my brother at six; I wished her to stay all
night with me, but she was not willing. I wanted my mother to tell my
brother to take me out and let me go home with her. But I always was
regarded with a great deal of coldness, and now I was looked upon as
a poor deranged person, and therefore found but little sympathy. My
mother left me without bidding me good bye, saying that she should see
me again. Brother Eben came to see me, about four weeks after. Still I
plead with him to let me go home; but he wanted me to come out to his
house. I felt that I did not want to go there, after he had said he
was glad I did not accept his invitation. But he has since told me he
never said so, and has shewn me a letter he wrote to me, saying that
he wished me to write to him, and to come out to his house; but Dr.
Bell advised him not to let me have the letter. On the 15th of April,
brother William came to see me, from New York. This brother I had not
seen but once for about twelve years. He was much affected to hear of
my suffering; he said it had always been represented to him that I was
a perfect deranged person. He come again the next day and took me out.
I went to brother Eben's that night, and the next day William carried
me home.
REMARKS.
_Upon the treatment of my brothers and sisters during my
imprisonment, and the steps taken with me by them._
_Secondly, remarks in general concerning the Hospital and the
Officers of the Institution._
Firstly.--If my brothers and sisters desired my good by placing me in
the Insane Assylum, and the Doctors have taken the advantage of my
weakness and my brother's ignorance of my true state at that time,
and it has proved to be my everlasting ruin, by the Doctors giving me
that medicine which racked and tortured me and destroyed my phisical
health and ease of body and mental happiness. Their motive can be
determined by their treatment and attention while there, and the manner
of the treatment that I have received in hearing of my sufferings.
For good motives always lead to good and kind actions. I have given
in general a detail of the steps that were taken with me from the
time of my leaving my labour on Saturday, before I was carried to the
Hospital, on the Thursday following, and after I was there, their
attention to me. I appeal to the public mind if this was good, kind
and just treatment; if it was only my earthly happiness destroyed I
should rejoice amidst it all. I was taken out by my brother William,
from New York; but now I have no society, I cannot resort to God and
to God's people for comfort, and take happiness in the service of God,
for I have not happiness within myself, as it is the spirit of Christ
that makes us happy, and enables us to look forward to never ending
eternity of bliss. Now that spirit is taken from me by medicine, and
it leaves my body in distress, from the crown of my head to the sole
of my foot, without carnal love of this world, or the love of God. Of
course without the spirit of Christ we cannot love God. I am thrown out
upon the world without any thing to help myself with. My money that I
labored hard for, late and early, confined to a factory life, is taken
by my brothers. They are not willing to give me my own, or to help me.
I am unable to work, my body is in such distress; and I have no spirit
to support me under any thing, and am dependant upon the kindness of
friends who have been deceived about me, by the false report that I
was deranged, while all the time I was suffering the greatest cruelty
that could be practised upon an immortal being. They feel distress for
me, although it is a crime they never heard of before, and many of
them wonder that I have a particle of reason left, and do not wonder
at my altered looks and language, and feel that such a crime should be
exposed to the world. It is not the popular clergy that will be seized
upon and carried into that house and have this medicine forced down
them, but the poor honest hearted christian that is despised and cast
out, and trodden under foot like the despised Nazarine. This havoc
among the saints of God, by infidels, has been going on for years,
undoubtedly, and when they have told of it on getting out of their
power, it has been looked upon as derangement, and their account being
sealed with God, they have not undertaken to publish it; but I will,
whether it is or not; and if my brothers wilfully hired those Doctors
to give me that medicine, to take from me my eternal life, because I
differed from them in my religion, may God bring it to light, and the
guilty not go unpunished. Females are engaged in this horrid crime, and
do know that it can be done. Relief Barber, Mary Brigham and Esther
Benton, who are engaged in the service of that house, and my brother's
wife, were knowing to it before I was carried there. Brothers Eben,
Stephen, and James, are the ones that were concerned about my being
carried there, and they are the ones that had ought to investigate my
suffering. But, instead of that, they have not interested themselves
in my sufferings or wants, and brother Stephen and his wife came to
brother Eben's, where I was, and did not even send a request to my room
to see me. I speak of this to show that my brothers do not feel for
me as brothers should feel for a sister. So far as the natural heart
is concerned, had my brothers regarded my character and my feelings,
and the feelings of our aged parents, they would not have put me into
an Insane Hospital without something being done for me first. I might
mention about my clothes that I had sent me.--I was taken and shut up
from them, and from the means to obtain things to make me comfortable,
or hardly decent; but if my brothers and sisters thought my health was
poor, and they desired my good, kind actions would have followed kind
feelings. I have before remarked, would they not have sent me little
nourishments, such as they do not have there, as friends generally do
when they have a friend that is out of health. But I received nothing
to remind me that I was not forgotten by them. Kind reader, have you a
wife, sister, or an unprotected daughter in this wide world, (however
you may be situated, the same laws govern nature thro'ought the world,)
would you see her deceived into a hospital the third day of leaving
her work, having nothing done for her first, and then not permit her
to see one of her kind friends? Because God saw fit not to give me the
abundance of this world was I any the less incapable of happiness here
and hereafter? Because I was a poor factory girl must I be treated in
this brutal manner, in this boasted land of liberty? I always had done
for myself, and was happy. I envied not the Queen upon her throne. I
sought enjoyment in expanding my immortal mind in knowledge, looking
through nature up to nature's God, and cultivating the love of God
richly in my heart. I was kept in the Assylum sixteen long and weary
months. My brothers say they come to the house; but they might as well
have stayed away as to come, for all the good it did me, for I never
saw them. They say Dr. Bell would not let them see me. What right had
they to put me in such a place? The very face of it shows that there
was some cruelty being practised upon me, that Dr. Bell did not want
any one to know out of that house. It may be said that I had no home,
and the woman that I boarded with would not have me in her house.
Could it be that Eliza Lufkin would turn me out of her house on the
third day of my illness? Had it been done openly, I should have had
friends that would have done for me, for I feel that I could say with
the Apostle Paul, that I had friends that would have plucked out their
eyes to do for me. But not only was I taken in such an unlawful manner
and imprisoned, but away from all my things, and no care taken of
them; some entirely ruined for want of care, and some ruined by being
worn almost out. Who has worn them I cannot say; but my trunks were
at my brother Stephen's. If my brothers desired my good they would
investigate my sufferings. I have proposed to them to have the Doctors
taken before a justice of the peace, produce the kind of medicine they
gave me, and apply a chemical test and see what effect it would have
upon the human system. If my brothers are innocent about my being
ruined, I think they would do it, although it would not bring back to
me my happy state; but it would expose the wickedness of the Doctors
in the Charlestown Hospital, and save others from suffering the same.
I was far from being deranged; but I grant that I was in a weak state.
But because I was weak, from over exertion, was that any reason why I
should be imprisoned, and medicine given me to harden my brain, to rack
and torture me? To give a person an idea of the distress of my body
every moment, would be impossible; but well I might quote the language
of Chillian:
My limbs are bowed, though not with toil,
But rusted with a vile repose,
For they have been a dungeon's spoil.