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A SKETCH OF THE LIFE OF
ELIZABETH T. STONE,
AND OF HER PERSECUTIONS,
WITH AN APPENDIX
OF HER
_TREATMENT AND SUFFERINGS_
WHILE IN THE
CHARLESTOWN McLEAN ASSYLUM,
WHERE SHE WAS CONFINED UNDER THE
PRETENCE OF INSANITY.
1842:
PRINTED FOR THE AUTHOR.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
PAGE
PREFACE. 3
REMARKS. 33
CLOSING REMARKS TO CHRISTIANS. 37
ERRATA. 42
PREFACE.
Feeling that the public is very much deceived concerning the treatment
and situation of a poor afflicted class of the human family, who are
placed in the McLean Assylum at Charlestown, by their relatives, and
are left in the hands of strangers, subjected to the treatment of those
whose hearts are hardened by being long accustomed to human suffering,
and who are ignorant and unqualified, I will expose this matter to the
public, in behalf of the afflicted, in connection with the _awful,
brutal outrage_ that has been committed upon me in consequence of
indisposition resulting from hard labor and persecution, so the public
may be warned against placing their friends there, especially if they
would not have them ill-treated or suffer unnecessarily.
First, I shall give a short sketch of my life down to the time when I
was carried to the Hospital; then an account of the CRIME in connection
with the treatment I received there, until I was taken out. I feel that
this should particularly interest the christian world; but whether it
is believed or not, I am determined to publish it, that the people of
God may take care of their own people in time of persecution at the
expense of one's life, whether father, mother, brother, or sister step
in between. The unconverted do not understand _spirituality_, therefore
a weak, persecuted christian should not be consigned to their hands. If
others who have suffered this cruelty before me (as Dr. Fox says that
both _male and female christians have been destroyed there before_)
had published and exposed the wicked crime to the world, I might have
been saved from suffering here and hereafter. It is covered up under
the garb of "derangement," but I am willing to let the world know it,
that others may be saved from these awful outrages of the wicked at
the present day. I know that the world in general is ignorant of this
crime--of the fact that Doctors do possess knowledge of giving medicine
to take away from a person the spirit of Christ,--but I have suffered
it.
I was born in Westford, Mass. My father was a mechanic, and poor; my
mother being often sick, with a family of 7 boys and 3 girls, we were
all sent out young upon the world, to get our own living. I being the
youngest girl, was left at home alone. The peculiar situation which
I sustained in the family, being early disowned by my father as his
lawful child, he being intemperate at the time, may be imagined. I was
often the object of his wrath, though in his sober hours I was kindly
treated by him, as he was a man of tender feelings. But my mother's
affections were always alienated from me, and I always felt the want of
a mother's love, and consequently became very unhappy. I determined to
seek my own living and share the same fate of the rest of the family by
buffeting a cold unfeeling world.
At the age of fifteen I resorted to the factories in Lowell, where I
found employment and became expert at the business. Knowing that I
had myself to take care of and no one to depend upon, I was ambitious
and often asked my overseer for the privilege of tending double work,
which was often granted; and as I had the means of providing for my
own wants and some to spare, I became restless and often wished I
had the means to go to school, as my mother often told her children
to get learning--it was what the world could not take from us; (but
O, alas! mine has been taken from me by medicine, being given to me
in an artful manner to harden my brains, and the brain is the seat
of the mind and the mind is the store-house of knowledge) and I felt
the want of it as I became advanced in years and went into society.
I soon began to make arrangments to place myself at some school. I
went home at the age of eighteen and went to the Academy in Westford
three or four months, and then, in the year 1834, the first of May,
I started for New Hampton in company with a young lady from Boston,
she being my only acquaintance. I found the school very pleasant, and
the teachers were ardently pious. It was now that I felt that God had
often called after me and I had refused to obey him for my teacher said
without the mind was enlightened by the Spirit of Christ it was not
prepared for knowledge. This increased the carnal state of my heart
against religion, for it appeared to me like foolishness, for there
was nothing but the simple religion of Jesus Christ, no disputing, no
sectarian spirit, and I was surrounded by the prayers of my teachers
and the pious scholars. But I withstood all the entreaties through
the summer term. I was determined not to get religion when there was
much said about it, for I looked upon it as excitement, as many others
foolishly call it. There were about one hundred and five scholars,
and at the end of the term all but three of us professed to have an
interest in Christ. During the vacation I could not throw off the
conviction that had seized hold of my mind, that God in his mercy had
spared my life, and permitted me to enjoy this last privilege. At the
commencement of the Fall term as usual, we all assembled on Sunday
morning--the professors in the Hall above, while the unconverted were
in the Hall below--to hear the Scriptures explained. Miss. Sleeper,
one of the teachers, that assembled with us, came directly to me after
the exercises were over and asked me if I felt as I did during the
last term. I told her no. She said she was very glad of it and hoped
I should not leave off seeking until I found the Savior. I felt that
I had committed myself, that I now could not draw back, that I must
persevere on and let the world know that I needed a Saviour to save me
from acting out the wicked state of my heart. I could not throw it
off. On Monday evening all the unconverted were invited by our much
loved teacher, Miss. Haseltine, to meet her at the Hall. Accordingly
I went in company with several other young ladies. After reading the
Scriptures and addressing us very affectionately, she asked us to kneel
down and join her in prayer. Accordingly I did so, but I thought I
was more hardened than ever; and felt ashamed that I was on my bended
knees; but wishing to act from principle and to prove whether there was
any reality in what my teacher said about religion, I was determined
to persevere on, although it was contrary to my carnal state of heart.
Accordingly I told every one that I meant to know the real religion
of Jesus Christ and live up to it, if it was what they said it was.
I attended all the meetings and was willing to do any thing that I
thought I ought to do; but I began to think that I had grieved the
Holy Spirit and was about giving up seeking any longer until I should
feel, as very often I did before in meetings and then I should have
religion. This was on Saturday, a fortnight after I was willing to own
that I felt the need of an interest in Christ. On my way home from
school, a young lady overtook me and inquired what was the state of my
feelings, I frankly told her what was my conclusion. She then told me
how she found the Saviour--how she sought three years; but all that
time she said she was seeking conviction when she ought to have sought
forgiveness and told me that I must seek for immediate forgiveness, and
asked me if I was willing to. I told her that I would, for I found that
I had been seeking conviction and was already convicted. Accordingly I
went home, and after dinner took my Bible and retired alone to a grove
not far distant, where I spent the afternoon in reading and praying,
but did not find any change in my feelings. I was summonds to tea by
the ringing of the bell. I went in and took my seat at the table, but
while sitting there I thought I was acting foolishly, that I ought
not to eat, drink, or sleep, until I found forgivness. I rose from
the table and retired to my room and knelt down and asked God what I
should do in order to be forgiven; then rose up and was sitting down
by the table with my head upon my hand wondering what I should do,
when something seemed to say to me, "open the door of your heart and
admit me." I immediately thought I could not without I was better, but
something said "_no, now_." I thought the next day being Sunday, I
would, after I had been to church; _but no_, the voice said _now_--that
I said I would. If _Christ_ would but receive me, I would _him_ just as
I was. I thought _I would_. I rose and walked across the room, and was
frightened to think what I had said; that I had entered into a covenant
with God. At that time a young lady, Mary Ann Burbank, entered the room
and asked me if I was going to meeting, as it was customary to have a
female prayer meeting at the hall on Saturday evening. I told her yes.
She said it was too late. I told her I was going, (I thought if they
were just coming out I would go.) I put on my things, and she said she
would go with me. Accordingly we went out of the house together and
said nothing to each other. I thought of nothing in particular; but
as we were walking and had got a rod or two from the house, I thought
how fast I was walking, and how earnest I was to get there. I spoke
to Miss Burbank and said that I never went to a place with so much
eagerness in my life. She asked me if I felt better. I told her that
I never was so happy in my life. She said she was glad; she had been
recently baptized. I had before not liked her very well, but now I
loved her with all my heart, because she had owned the Savior before
the world. I immediately thought of the balls and parties that I had
been to, and it seemed nothing to what it would be to get into a prayer
meeting. It seemed that the Bible I had never read and that I knew
nothing about it and when I tried to think of it the passages flowed
into my mind faster than I could repeat; the first passage I thought
of was the Greeks foolishness to the Jews, but to them that believe
Christ the power of God unto salvation, and many others. It seemed
that I stepped out of one world into another. I went into the hall
and they were singing, and then they knelt down and prayed. A young
lady prayed for me, seeing me on my knees. I longed to have her close
her prayer to tell them what God had done for me. As we rose I opened
my mouth and words flowed faster than I could speak, I blessed and
praised God and asked them all to forgive me for the opposition that I
had manifested towards them for their entreating me to be reconciled
to God. There was great rejoicing over me. Some wept, some prayed,
and some sang. It was a happy time. Some that were seeking seeing me
so happy said they were determined to find the Savior that night and
two young ladies that boarded with me did, to the joy of their souls.
I felt that I had a new life to live and was determined to live it. I
loved all the people of God, and my feelings soon began to be tried by
seeing the divisions that were among them; but I was determined not to
have any thing to do with it, but meant to keep the faith as it was
once delivered to the Saints, that is, to keep the love previous to my
conversion. I had always thought that immersion was right, and still
thought so; but still I loved to hear sinners called to repentance,
and to join in prayer with any one that told how Christ saved them
daily from sinning. I felt that I must own the Savior in all my ways
and words, for it was what I loved, and I hated the sin that was in
my heart and often cried out, O wretched person that I am, who shall
deliver me from this body of sin and death. I longed to be freed from
sin. I soon began to think of becoming a missionary, that is, to go
to the far distant heathen who had never heard of the Gospel. I asked
God what I should do. I was determined to do what God gave me to do
at the expense of my life, for I counted not my life dear unto me,
and soon the spirit led me in prayer for my parents, but how could
they be converted without the way of salvation was explained to them?
They did not attend public worship; they believed that they should be
saved when they should die; but I had found a Saviour that saved me
here from sinning, for the love of God constrained me to lay down all
earthly enjoyments when they came in contact with any thing that I must
do for Christ. I thought I would go to them and tell them, thinking
they would believe me. Accordingly on my return from school I visited
my parents, but not until the Spring, on fast day, with my youngest
brother. We passed the day very agreeably. I told them that I had met
with a change, but said but little, as I did not wish to argue the
point, for they were both against me and said they thought I had got my
brain _turned_ by studying too much. But I knew I must bear this and
greater things if I wished to do my heavenly Father's will, which was
my meat and drink. I left home without praying for them, which I felt
condemned for. I resolved if God would spare my life to go home again
I would bear the cross of Christ. During the winter my mind had been
much tried about the two ordinances; and what to do, I did not know,
for I wished to give a reasonable answer why I went with one class of
God's people more than another. I boarded with a Mr Washburn, a very
pious man belonging to the First Congregational church in Lowell.--I
said nothing to him about forms and ceremonies, nor he to me; but I
came to the conclusion to be an immersed Congregationalist, because
they admitted all to the communion that had professed the Savior before
the world. I concluded to return to school, and called upon Mrs Tilton,
one of my acquiantance that belonged to the Baptist Church. She asked
me why I had not been in to see her, and she thought my mind had been
tried about baptism. I told her not in the least, for I always thought
immersion was right but my mind was tried about the communion--why
all the people of God could not come together. She said that she had
a little book she would lend me to read. I took it and went home and
read it; it was upon Church and Christian fellowship. I thought it
explained it to my mind and told her I was thankful for it; but as I
was to start for New Hampton the next day could not be baptized there.
I arrived at New Hampton the second week in May, 1835, and met once
more my much loved teachers. During the Summer term my mind was much
taken up with my studies, and the religious state of feeling was very
low. There were no conversions during this term. At the commencement of
the Fall term our teacher addressed us upon the subject and hoped that
each one would do something to win sinners to Christ. All felt it, and
again God poured out his Holy Spirit and sinners were slain; my health
was poor and I was about leaving school on account of my limited means.
My teacher asked me if I was not going to be baptized before I left
school, together with some other young ladies. I had always thought I
was willing, should the opportunity be presented. Here I had a trial,
but went forward with some others, determined never to disobey God of
keeping his commandments or doing whatever the love of God constrained
me to do, however crossing it was to my carnal feelings. I returned to
Lowell and resumed my labor, still feeling determined to procure an
education to go to the poor heathen to carry the news of salvation; but
my means became limited and I was obliged to use prudence in reference
to my dress and spending my time. My oldest sister proposed to have
me come and work with her at the tailoress business in Boston, and
this sister I had ardently loved and looked up to for advice. But I
was making very good wages at that time and thought it not best for
me to go then; although I wanted a trade to help me along in case I
should go among the poor and destitute. But as my sister Nancy's health
was not good at that time I proposed for her to go to Boston and I
would come in the Fall or early in the Winter, which was agreed to.
I concluded to go to work with my sister until the slack time should
come on in the Winter, and then I thought I should go to Charlestown
Seminary to finish my education, as we were all to board ourselves.
Accordingly I left the mill again and when I got to my sister's they
were just on the point of separating. I stepped in between and proposed
to reconcile matters for we all belonged to the Baptist Church, and
for own character and the cause of Christ I thought it best to keep
together. But it was not possible, we could not agree, though sister
Mary and I had never before disagreed, and probably never should had
it not been for sister Nancy. It was a sore trial to me and I often
thought that my last earthly friend was taken from me. I had loved
sister Mary until it had become a sin in the sight of a holy God, that
I had been governed about my spiritual life by her in part, and that
He saw fit to seperate us. Through the invitation of my brother Eben's
wife I went to stay with her and had regular pay lest there should
be any room for unpleasant feelings, I spent the winter with her at
Jamaica Plain very happy, but I began to think that I was not living
as I ought to; that I could be the means of doing more good by working
in the mill and getting more money for the cause of Christ and come in
contact with more minds to pursuade them to become reconciled to God.
But again I was tried about pursuing an education, not having means to
do with. What to do I did not know, and at times was almost tempted to
ask assistance of my brothers, but for fear of being refused I dared
not, for they never seemed to take any interest in the welfare of their
sisters. My oldest sister was often sick and was not helped by them:
therefore I was determined to do what I could without asking help. I
left my brother's in June 1836, not decided what to do. Aware that in
some branches I was not qualified sufficiently to take a young ladies'
school, I went home not decided what to do, but thought I would go
with a young lady that I was acquainted with in Westford under private
instruction, and accordingly went and stayed with her till Fall. A new
Precepter was about opening the Academy in Westford, and I resolved to
go the Winter term, and accordingly provided myself with a boarding
place at Mr Niehols, where I found it very pleasant. They were both
pious and I became very much attached to Mrs N. and found the school
very pleasant for the branches that I wished to pursue; but on account
of a change in this family I was under the necessity of getting another
boarding place; then I went to a Mr George Davis' where I had always
been acquainted, and found every thing pleasant and was happy. But my
health began to fail me, being troubled with the Ticdoloreux.
Not having the means to continue any longer at school, so poor was my
health at that time, I began to think of returning to Lowell; but about
this time a book was circulating, relative to the day of Judgment being
near at hand. I obtained it and read it, and found that it was nothing
but explaining the Scriptures according to my view in a historical
manner, or the preaching the Gospel in its purity. I felt prepared to
meet Christ, but was often asked what I thought of it? I told them it
was a sweet subject to me, for I longed to be with him who had loved
me and given himself for me and was willing to do all for Him while I
stayed upon the earth and did not know how I could alter my life if
it was true, for if I was not prepared I should prepare myself. But I
had already given my heart to the Lord and was trying to live to his
honor and glory. The subject was very much agitated in Westford. I soon
left and went to Lowell, and tried to obtain a book, but could not,
and no one seemed to know any thing about it. I went into the factory
to work, but soon an old acquaintance, Nancy Sanborn, come to see me.
She had always anticipated going off to teach. We proposed opening a
school in Lowell for young ladies, but my health was not good and I
had nothing to do with, and something seemed to say to me, what you
do, do quickly, for the end of all things is just at hand. I went to
God in prayer to ask Him what to do. I listened to the Saviour's voice
which constrained me to win souls to Christ by living out my religion
around me by the way of the spirit and not of learning; but at that
time God had suffered me to be carried away into Babylon and become a
worshipper of the God of learning. My friend, Nancy Sanborn left me
and returned home and I concluded to live in the factory for every
plan that I laid seemed to be thwarted. I often had something given
to me to do by God which I found was contrary to my carnal feelings.
I boarded at this time with a Mrs King, on the Boot corporation.--My
sister Nancy wanted to come and board with me. We never had agreed from
little children, and twice I had left the mill on her account and my
boarding house, and as I always thought if it had not been for her I
and my sister M. never would have disagreed. But I thought if it was
in me I would conquer it at the expense of the last feeling I had in
me; but here was another firey trial of my faith. I ever carried all my
actions before the judgment seat of Christ. I felt I was not my own, I
was bought with a price--the precious blood of the Lamb. My object was
to get money to go to the West as a teacher to win souls to Christ.
My sister was taken sick and I staid out of the mill to take care of
her. I was at this time tending double work. When the physician called
upon her we were drawn in conversation about people in general taking
too much medicine. I was innocent about giving any offence. I took the
directions about my sister's medicine, and after the Doctor had left
the house spoke about her taking it. She said she should not take it
and did not wish me to do any thing for her; but would say no more.
I told her that it was foolish for me to stay out of the mill if she
would not let me take care of her, and began to reason the case; but
could not prevail upon her and feared that we should again fall out. I
endeavored to keep my feelings under and try to do for her whether she
would let me or not; but it did no good. My acquaintance was a circle
of young ladies of respectability and we had prayer meetings and I had
been very forward in them--I had had an evening school and opened it
with prayer. To have a falling out with my sister would hurt the casuse
of Christ, which was dearer to me than my life. I keep it to myself and
tried to get along, for when there is difficulty there is blame on both
sides; but it kindled to a flame, yet I said but little about it. But
I counted it all joy, for it humbled me, for my earthly character was
like the apple of my eye to me, and I came to the conclusion that it
was better to board apart. I therefore determined to change my boarding
place, and say nothing about it to any one. I went to Boston on a
visit and engaged my boarding place before I went, at Mrs Lufkin's, a
member of the first Baptist Church in Lowell. On my visit to Boston I
met with a young lady at my brother's by the name of Caroline Dammers,
that was out of employment, and had been for some time. I was informed
that she was in a destitute situation and professed to be a follower
of the Lamb. I proposed for her to come up to Lowell, and she would
find employment there of some kind, thinking it was not right for any
one to live so, for it was not setting a good example; and as she had
no one to do for her, my religion led me to do all that I could for
the friendless, feeling myself a stranger and a pilgrim here below.
Accordingly on my return she came and I soon found her a situation,
and she being an orphan I thought I could help her, for pure religion
is doing good for the widow and the orphan. I boarded at Mrs Lufkin's
until warm weather and Caroline Dammers boarded with me and worked
on the Suffolk. It being too far for her to walk in warm weather I
proposed to change my boarding place to make it nearer for her.
Mr Lufkin's sister was about opening a boarding house on the Boot
corporation. I had become somewhat acquainted with her at her brother's
and liked her very much while her brother's folks went on a visit to
their friends. Here was the only time that ever I was sick or needed
any medical assistance. My stomach was a little nauseated and I sent
for Dr Wheelock Graves and he gave me an emetic: afterwards I called
upon him once and got a receipe for a cough and paid him; this was
in the summer of 1840. My health was always delicate, but I was very
careful what I did; very seldom went out evenings, not so much as to
an evening meeting or to expose myself to the evening air in any way,
hoping that at some future period I should be so situated as to be able
to live more devoted to the blessed cause of Christ; but I endeavored
to show piety at home. I had embraced the views that the day of
judgment was near at hand and I felt to double my diligence to obtain
the means to spread the Gospel. I loved God and the people of God, for
where sin abounded grace much more abounded, I felt a desire that God
would pour out his holy spirit and that sinners might be converted,
and began to call upon the Lord and to my surprise I found myself in a
back-slidden state; that I had lost the liberty whereby Christ had made
me free.
How I got back there I did not know, but the way I found the Savior was
by owning him before the world and I knew the only way was to go and
sow to the spirit. I began to ask the Lord what he would have me to do,
and thing after thing was given me, but was accused of believing in
Miller's doctrine, as it is called. I found that it was about to bring
upon me reproach and I denied it and then I was troubled. I could not
rest day nor night, and I felt that I was not prepared to meet Him,
and I bowed myself before the Lord and asked the Lord what He would
have me to do; and soon I was sent with message after message to the
people of God where it was my usual custom to assemble, as it was the
privilege of the females to give a word of exhortation. Said nothing
to any one, but was determined to do what the Lord bid me, and to
walk in the Lord. My mind was unbiased by the errors in theology, or
any creeds or doctrine of men. All I knew was the simple religion of
Jesus Christ, and the Bible was my guide. I must obey God and keep his
commandments. At this time the subject of the union of christians was
much agitated; the divisions of them had been a source of grief to me
ever since I was converted, and the union of them was something sweet
if there was any ground on which they could be united. Elder Holly
was lecturing at this time upon it and showed by the Bible the ground
on which they could be united. I asked the Lord what he would have me
to do, and went to the Bible for instruction. In Revelations it says
that whoever takes from the sayings of the prophecy of that book his
part shall be taken out of the holy city, &c. Rev. 12 chap. 18th, 19th
verses, I found that articles of faith both took from and added there
unto and already I felt the plagues upon me. I cried unto the Lord,
for I could say with David, the pangs of hell got hold of me and death
encompassed me round about. I called upon the Lord and he heard me out
of His Holy habitation. I told no one of my situation for I thought
it was the Lord that was dealing with me and had got to have a trial
of my faith, I felt that I was willing to die a martyr rather than to
deny Jesus Christ before the world. It was the last Idol I held in my
heart I must give up. It was my earthly character; I must go without
the camp and bear reproach for Christ. I went to see my minister, and
told him how the Lord was dealing with me. I told him how the Lord had
shown me that articles of faith were a sin by the Bible and that I
did not want any thing to do with pursuasions. I wanted to keep God's
commandments, for I hated the very garment that was spotted with the
flesh; I would have my name taken off the church books, but not off his
heart, for I loved the people of God. I wanted to go to the communion
table and still held to the ordinance of baptism; but I wanted to get
out of sin. He said if I did not walk with the church in peace, he
must excommunicate me. I asked her forgivness if I had said anything
that had injured his feelings, for I only wanted to get out of sin
and I must work out my own salvation with fear and trembling. He then
told me if I did not come back into the bosom of the true church he
would excommunicate me and that would ruin my reputation. I told him
that I was willing to die if I could but win souls to Christ; but I
hated sin, and therefore he must do as he thought best, as it was not
flesh and blood that I had any thing to do with, neither were weapons
carnal. This was at his house, I think in the month of June. I bid
him a good morning and on my way home I felt to bless and praise God.
On the next Sabbath I attended church at Elder Cole's, the Christian
denomination. The word of the Lord was sweet to me, as it was now I
wanted the word of the Lord to support me and to comfort me. I wanted
to hear nothing but the sweets of redeeming love. In three weeks I
went to see Mr Porter, he being my minister. I was excommunicated; but
it brought me out in a happy state. I continued my labor, which was
tending three looms; but often spoke of what the Lord had done for me
and how plain the Bible was to me. I attended a meeting held at Groton
on the union of christians, to hear what was to be said. It was there
where I received the baptism of the Holy Ghost, as previous to this I
had been baptized with fire in coming out of the Baptist church: for as
I received Christ so I walked in him, which was walking in the love;
for cursed is he that doeth the work of the Lord deceitfully, after
the manner they called heresy. So worship I the God of my Fathers. I
often spoke of my spiritual life, and many observed that they never saw
any one enjoy so much. I continued my labor and attended the appointed
meetings with my own people that worshipped God according to my views,
and I was received by them and went with no others, for the people
of God should be peace makers and let every one worship God after
their own way. There arose violent persecutions against me, but as my
forerunner had suffered before me, so must I suffer. I often thought
that I would give up my business and labor entirely for the Lord; and
then I thought what should I do for a home? I felt the want of one, and
my youngest brother had been sick and I thought he might be embarrassed
in his circumstances, and if I helped him in temporal things he would
hear me in spiritual; and I was very anxious to help him, as he had
done much for our parents when he was quite young, while my older
brothers who were quite wealthy, did not help them, comparatively
speaking. I had done much for this brother, feeling anxious to see him
get along in the world, and therefore I was diligent to my labors.
But I began to feel that I could not work any longer at present. The
week before I was carried to the hospital I thought I would go to my
minister and tell him my situation. I went to his house, but he was not
at home. I then went and conversed with brother Fiske who was knowing
to my persecutions, and he advised me to go and see Elder Cole. I told
him he was not at home, and I knew not what to do. I still continued my
work and did not go home; it was not the place for me, as my parents
were not spiritual minded, and in my weak state I felt I could not
bear opposition, and I hated sin so I could not contend, for a child
of contention is a child of hell. On Sunday morning, Nov. 22d, 1840,
while I was conversing with a very pious lady that slept with me about
how God had dealt with me, and how I had disobeyed the spirit, being
often called upon to speak, how awful it would be to be cast off from
the Lord, I told her that I was bound in the spirit, and asked her if
I kept the commandments of God if he would cast me off? She said no.
But here was the first of my weakness that gave place for satan to
arrange his host to take me. Why I gave up to such weakness I know not,
nor can I account for it, except I had overdone myself. There was no
distress of mind, and if there was, it was no reason why I should not
have been treated with common humanity, for I offered no insult to any
one, or treated any one ill. I only spoke of my own situation and asked
them to do for me and not let me do wickedly. Miss Elza Lufkin came
into the room, the lady whom I boarded with, and asked me what was the
matter. I began to talk to her about my situation and to tell her how
good religion was, and asked her to have it. Upon that she said many
unkind things to me. I saw that she was angry with me. Why she should
treat me so I did not know, for I had been very careful to observe all
regulations and rules of her house, and never spoke about temporal
things, to find fault. She had opposed me in attending my appointed
meetings, and thought that I might go to a meeting that was nearer; but
I thought it was not right to go to any other than where I was received
by relating my experience, and that I ought to be my own judge. But the
way of the Lord is contrary to the natural state of the heart. Since I
came out of the hospital Miss Lufkin has told me that she was never so
angry in her life as she was with me. If my religion had displeased her
she ought to have told me so when I was well, and I would have found
another place, and not waited until I was in a weak state and then take
the advantage of my weakness. My sister Nancy came in to see me and
began to scold me. I told her it was very wicked, she was not where
she ought to be, or she could not do so. I arose and dressed myself
and asked not to have any one of the unconverted come into my room. I
sent for Elder Cole, but he not knowing my situation, sent word that it
was not convenient. Brother James came in to see me and asked me to go
home. I thought it was not best in my weak state, for I felt that I had
no home, as I was violently opposed by my parents. I felt unwilling to
leave my work, as I was tending three looms, and had calculated to make
out a certain sum of money by the first of February, for my brother
James. I asked my sister to go and get me some assafoetida pills, I
took three of them and went to bed and slept sound all night. In the
morning I told my sister, who slept with me, I should not go in to
work. She then began to scold, and shook me with anger, because I did
not wish to rise. Then I asked her to let me alone, and told her it was
very wicked. At that time Miss Lufkin came into the room and told her
to let me alone, upon that she did, and began to prepare to go to her
work. I asked her not to come back, for I did not want her with me.
I thought she was not a proper person to be with me, as she did not
understand my spiritual life. I went down and took my breakfast and
returned up stairs to avoid my sister's saying anything.
Soon my sister returned and I asked her to send for my minister. She
said I should not see him nor any one of those people. I began to
reason with her, and asked her why I could not see my own minister,
and if I had not a right to choose my own people to worship God with;
but I could not prevail upon her. I asked to see my brother James, but
this request was not granted. I perceived my weakness was increasing
and I thought the people of God ought to do for me. This was on Monday.
About 4 o'clock in the afternoon Dr. Wheelock Graves came in to see
me, and sat about ten minutes and conversed mostly with my sister
about Mr. Miller, saying that he ought to be horsewhipped or put in
prison. I concluded that my brother and sister had been telling him
that I was one of his converts, although my sister professes to be
washed by the blood of the Lamb. The Doctor felt of my pulse. I told
him he did not understand my situation. He prescribed nothing for me
and left the room, my sister sat sewing and did nothing for me. At
night after the girls came out of the mill there was a great rush into
my room, which increased my excitement. My room was full, some saying
one thing, some another, while others were laughing. I asked Esther
Richer, who stood laughing, to go out, as she had opposed me much about
attending meeting among the Christian denomination. Upon that a good
sister in Christ by the name of Townsend, said she thought there were
too many in my room, and then they all left me alone with my sister. I
thought I had hindered her some by her taking her work home from the
shop, and I offered to sew for her. She took the work out of my hand
and told me to go to bed. My sister slept with me. I spoke to her in
the night, and she scolded me for it. As soon as I heard Miss Lufkin
up in the morning I went to the door and asked her to take care of me
and not let me do wickedly for my sister was unkind to me. I felt the
want of a kind friend. She said she would, and made a fire in my room.
I thought that I would give the world for a kind friend to take me
and do for me. Again I plead to see Elder Cole, my minister, or some
one of the church. She said it was all in vain for me to say anything
about it. About noon Elder Cole came down to see me, hearing of my
situation. He talked kindly to me; thought I had worked too hard and
over exerted myself, and told me to take some valerian tea, said he
would send Dr. Sprague to see me. Miss Lufkin said she thought Dr.
Graves would tend me. I told them I did not wish Dr. Graves, for he
knew nothing about me nor spirituality. I wanted Dr. Sprague, as he was
knowing to my persecutions, and his wife was a dear sister to me in
Christ Jesus. He had been down to see me, but was not admitted. I told
Elder Cole I would do just as he told me. My sister had asked me if she
should send for brother Stephen? I told her no, for I did not wish him
to know any thing about me, for he had so cruelly treated me, which
before this I had kept to myself. Likewise his wife had manifested the
greatest hatred towards the present day reform of preparing to meet
Christ, and warning others to be also ready, although she belongs to
a congregational church. But I had endeavored to keep the faith with
her as with every one that professes to be a follower of the Lamb. My
sister took the advantage of my weakness, and unknown to me, sent for
brother Stephen to come and get me. This brother resides in Boston.
This was the third day from leaving my work; there had been nothing
done for me, although I have since learned that many of my associates
called and offered to do for me, but were not permitted. What kind
of treatment is this in this Gospel land of light and liberty? The
spirit of the vilest persecutions began to be raised against me in that
house, and now was a favorable opportunity for it to be completed.
About 4 o'clock brother Stephen came in and asked me to go down and
spend Thanksgiving with them, as he was up on business, and asked Nancy
and brother James likewise. We all concluded to go; but I hesitated
some, for I never had gone any where after I had met with a change of
heart, without going to do God service, for I felt that I was not my
own; I was bought with a price, the precious blood of the Lamb. Brother
Stephen said he would be there in half an hour. I went and prepared
myself; took what work I thought I should want on a visit, and was
sitting in my room when my brother Stephen and Dr. Graves came in.--The
Doctor asked me if I was going on a visit with my brother?--I told him
yes. They both went down stairs together into the front room, and I
went down and took my leave of the family.--Little did I think that Dr.
Graves was called in to give a line to have me carried into an Insane
Hospital--a poor girl that he knew nothing about, nor the peculiar
circumstances of the family, that had always raised a report against me
that I was deranged ever since I went to New Hampton to school, because
it was there that I met with a change.
I have been particular in speaking of the manner of my life after I
met with a change, but to describe all that I lived up under, would
be more than I can write at this time. But truly I felt I had come up
out of great tribulation, and was washed in the blood of the Lamb. I
had attained unto the power of Christ's resurrection, my mind being
unbiassed by any creed or doctrine of men. When I was converted I knew
nothing but Jesus and him Crucified.