(_A Story in Scenes._)
SCENE XVIII.--_The Drawing-room, as before. The door opens, and_
PH[OE]BE _appears_.
_Ph[oe]be_ (_to_ Mrs. TOOVEY). If you please, ma'am, Mrs.
CUMBERBATCH----
_Mrs. Toovey_ (_in a rapid whisper_). Not here, PH[OE]BE! Show her
into the study--anywhere. Say I'll come!
_Ph[oe]be._ She said she hadn't time to come in, m'm; she left her
compliments, and just called to let you know the Banana Meeting will
be next Friday. And oh, if you please, m'm, I wished to ask you
about that dress you wore last Saturday. I've tried everything, and
I _can't_ get the smell of tobaccer out of it, do what I _will_, m'm.
(_To herself._) That'll teach her not to accuse me of hiding followers
downstairs!
_Althea_ (_to herself_). Mine had to be left all night in a thorough
draught. Where _could_ Mamma have been, unless----?
_Mrs. Toov._ (_with dignity_). I came home in a smoky cab, and you
know perfectly well this is not the place to ask me such questions.
Leave the room!
_Ph[oe]be_ (_to herself, as she leaves_). A smoky cab indeed! There's
no smoke without fire--as Master will find out before long!
_Charles._ Had your cabman been giving a smoking party inside his
fourwheeler, or what, Aunt?
_Mrs. Toov._ I don't--yes, I believe he had. He apologised for it;
it--it was his birthday. (_To herself._) Oh, dear me, _what_ makes me
tell these dreadful stories?
_Mr. Toovey._ His birthday! Why, if you remember, CORNELIA, you _said_
the man had been drinking. That would _account_ for it! But did I
understand there was to be _another_ Zenana Meeting, my love? That
seems _rather_ soon, does it not, after having one only last Saturday!
_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). I _must_ go on, or he'll suspect
something. (_Aloud, severely._) And why not, Pa--pray, why not? You
know what an energetic creature Mrs. CUMBERBATCH is! _Can_ we do too
much for those poor benighted heathen women? And there was a great
deal that we had to leave unfinished the other evening.
_Mr. Toov._ Dear me, and you were home so late, too!
_Mrs. Toov._ Perhaps you disbelieve my word, Pa? If you do, _say_ so,
and I shall know what to think! Though _what_ I've done to deserve
such suspicion----
_Mr. Toov._ (_astounded_). My own love, I never for one single
moment---- Hem, the wife of Cæsar is above suspicion.
_Mrs. Toov._ (_with relief_). I should hope so, THEOPHILUS; not that
you are _Cæsar_--but there, that is enough of a very painful subject.
Let us say no more about it.
_Curphew_ (_to himself_). I'm more certain every moment that this
immaculate matron is lying like a prospectus, but what can I do? I've
no proof, and if I had, I couldn't bring myself to---- Well, I must
wait, that's all.
_Mrs. Toov._ What _I_ should like to know is, why Mr. CURPHEW still
remains here after we have distinctly informed him that we do not
desire his further acquaintance?
CURPH. Before I go, let me say this: that I have no intention of
giving up your daughter until she gives up me. I am in a position to
marry and support her, and if you refuse your consent, you will only
reduce us to the painful necessity of doing without it.
[ALTHEA _intimates her entire acquiescence in this ultimatum_.
_Mrs. Toov._ We will never consent to give our daughter to a notorious
music-hall singer--_never_!
_Curph._ That objection is easily met. I am no longer a music-hall
singer. I have left the profession for ever; not that I consider
it any disgrace to belong to it, but I prefer to live by my pen in
future. (_To_ Mr. T.) I appeal to _you_, Sir. You had no objection
before; what can you have now?
[Mr. T. _opens his lips inaudibly_.
[Illustration: "Well, Ma'am, this is the _last_ place I expected to
find you in!"]
_Mrs. Toov._ Tell him, Pa, that in the circle in which _we_ move, the
remotest connection with--with a music-hall would be justly considered
as an indelible disgrace.
_Charles_ (_sotto voce_). No, hang it, Uncle! It's no business of
mine, and I'm not going to shove my oar in; but still you know as well
as I do that _you_ can't decently take that line, whatever Aunt may
do!
_Mrs. Toov._ I heard you, CHARLES. So, Pa, there _is_ something you
have been hiding from me? I felt positive there was some mystery about
that box. Now I _will_ know it. ALTHEA, leave us!
_Mr. Toov._ There is nothing she had better not hear--_now_, my love.
It--it's true I would rather have kept it from you, but I'd better
tell you--I'd better tell you. The fact is that, without being in the
least aware of it--I was under the impression I was investing in
a gold-mine--I--I became the proprietor of several shares in the
Eldorado Music-hall.
_Curph._ (_surprised_). You, Sir! you were a shareholder all the time!
Is it possible?
_Mr. Toov._ (_bewildered_). Why, but you _knew_! I consulted you at
the Junction about whether I ought to retain the shares or not, and
you advised me to go and judge for myself!
_Curph._ I assure you I thought we were talking about _my_ connection
with the Eldorado, not yours.
_Mrs. Toov._ So, Pa, by your own story you found yourself in
possession of those horrible wicked shares, and you actually hesitated
what to do! You considered it necessary to--to visit the scene!
_Mr. Toov._ Indeed. I never actually went, my love. And--and Mr.
CURPHEW assured me the establishment was quite respectably conducted,
under the supervision of the London County Council; and then there
was the dividend--seventy per cent. on only five hundred pounds--three
hundred and fifty a year, CORNELIA; it--it seemed a pity to give it
up!
_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, impressed_). Three hundred and fifty a
year! Why we can keep our carriage on it! (_Aloud._) Well, Pa, of
course--as you bought the shares under a misapprehension--and
I'm bound to say _this_ for the Eldorado, that there was nothing
positively objectionable in the performance so far as _I_
could--(_correcting herself hastily_)--have ever been given to
understand--why, I'm the last to blame you.
_Mr. Toov._ (_overjoyed_). Ah, my dear love! I scarcely dared to hope
for this leniency. But I never would have gone--oh, never. Why, I
could never have looked you in the face again if I had!
_Mrs. Toov._ (_with a twinge_). That _depends_, Pa; it is quite
possible to go to such places, and yet----
_Mr. Toov._ Yes, but you see I _didn't_ go, my dear. I found I
couldn't really bring myself to visit it when it came to the point, so
I went to call on LARKINS instead, as it was on his advice I had taken
the shares, and I told him my difficulty, and he quite sympathised
with my scruples, and most good-naturedly offered to take them off my
hands.
_Mrs. Toov._ But surely, THEOPHILUS, you never gave up three hundred
and fifty a year without so much as consulting Me!
_Charles._ You can't count on such dividends as a certainty, you know,
Aunt, and I've no doubt Uncle got rid of them at a very good figure;
they've been going up like sky-rockets!
_Mrs. Toov._ (_mollified_). Of course if your Uncle did _that_, I----
_Mr. Toov._ Well, you see, my love, CHARLES very properly pointed out
to me that there was no moral difference between that and keeping the
shares, and--and LARKINS took the same view himself; so (I'm sure,
CORNELIA, you will consider I have only done what was my strict duty!)
I agreed to surrender the shares for just what I paid for them--five
hundred pounds--and my conscience is clear.
_Mrs. Toov._ If it's no clearer than your _head_, Pa---- I never heard
of such downright Quixotism! As if _you_ could be held responsible; as
if anyone here need _know_! I call it folly--sheer ruinous folly!
_Ph[oe]be_ (_opening the door--to_ Mr. T.). A young gentleman to see
you, Sir; says he comes from Mr. LARKINS, with a paper to be filled
up. I've shown him into the study, Sir.
_Mr. Toov._ Ah, to be sure, yes; tell him I'll come. (_To_ Mrs. T.)
It's about those shares; LARKINS said he would send a clerk down to
complete the transfer.
_Mrs. Toov._ So it isn't completed _yet_? Mr. LARKINS has been trying
to get the better of you, Pa; but it's not too late, fortunately.
(_To_ PH[OE]BE.) Show the young man in here. _I_ wish to see him about
this business. (_As_ PH[OE]BE _goes_.) I shall insist on the fair
market value of the shares being paid before you put your signature
to any document whatever; leave this entirely to me, Pa. I _think_ I
shall be a match for any young----
_Ph[oe]be_ (_returning_). Mr. JANNAWAY.
_Mr. Jann._ (_to_ Mr. TOOVEY). From Mr. LARKINS, Sir. Brought a
transfer-deed for your signature.
_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). Gracious goodness! It's the man whose
ears I boxed at the Eldorado! What _shall_ I do?
[_She seizes the current number of "The Quiver," and retires
behind it._
_Alth._ (_to herself_). He's _awfully_ like the young man in that box
on Saturday! If Mamma really _was_ there! (_She glances at_ Mrs.
T., _in whose hands "The Quiver" is rustling audibly_.) Ah, then I
_wasn't_ mistaken. Oh, how dreadful if he should recognise her!
_Mr. Toov._ My signature? Yes, yes, yes, to be sure, just so; but the
fact is, I--I've been thinking over the matter, and--and--but that
lady by the window will explain my views.
_Mrs. Toov._ (_in a muffled voice, from behind "The Quiver"_). I--I
shall do nothing of the sort. I--I'm busy. Sign whatever the young man
wants, Pa, and don't bother _me_ about it!
_Mr. Jann._ (_to himself_). That's rum. Where have I heard that voice?
And "_Pa_," too! _Very_ rum!
_Mr. Toov._ Oh, very well, my love; I only thought--but I'll sign.
I'll sign. Only, I rather fancy you're sitting just in front of the
writing materials, my dear.
_Mr. Jann._ (_gallantly_). Allow _me_! (_He goes towards_ Mrs. T.'s
_chair. "The Quiver" treacherously collapses at the critical moment;
their eyes meet._) Well, ma'am, this is the _last_ place I expected
to find you in; after 'unting for you the entire Sunday afternoon all
over Upper Tooting, too!
[_General sensation. Tableau._