PERFIDY.
Anything of that kind makes me sad; because I am in such a struggle to
believe, what everybody now has settled long ago--and the younger he is,
the more he feels it--that all our forefathers, in comparison with us,
were low savages, fools, and brute beasts of the earth. And doubtless,
to this perception of the nature, from which we ourselves descend--or
rather, by some gift (more marvellous a thousandfold than mine) ascend,
tower above their wretched loins, and soar into the seventy-seventh
heaven, or at least as much as we have left of it undemolished--to this
pure disdain of the brutes who begot us, are due our strong yearning
towards, and reverend faith in, the great father of us all,--a little
snail, without a head.
But so long as my nature is so disloyal to that great All-father, as to
want a hat; thoughts will come into that superfluous, and therefore
universally weak, part of the present human being, which goes into the
chimney-pot--evolved, alas! as a penalty for that disloyalty. Oh, that
Father Mollusk could only have foreseen a tithe of the woes, which the
evolution of a head would entail upon his headstrong descendants!
Unwise was he in his generation; and some Satan must already have been
_in posse_, or why did Mother Mollusk---- But such questions are not
Science; which allows no question of her bashful physiology.
Happier would have been my position now, if the survival of the fittest
had omitted me, or at least had restored me to the patriarchal state of
headless existence, at the bottom of the sea. All birds are now proved
to have been evolved from lizards; which accounts for my complicity with
the Saurian race, and their influence upon my destiny. And another
piercing genius has certified us, that the canine race, being threatened
with extinction, after milliards of years, by hydrophobia,[2] lay down,
and eccnested the protoplastic flea; who took to his labour of love,
with congenital tripudiation, and rescued the author of his origin from
impending annihilation _thus_.
Hydrophobia was the product of _ennui_, of lying chained up in the sun,
and meditating too profoundly, as all dogs do. Thus, a dread of the
depths of reflection was instituted in the mind of Towser, which
developed, in the intellect of his descendants, into hydrophobia; and
must have undone them to the ends of their tails, without the evolution
of the genial flea. He, with an infusion of fresh blood, sprang forth,
developed, his saltatory powers, by development of long legs--or _vice
versâ_, for I am not sure which way that link goes,--and has ever since
satisfied the exigency that developed him, by preserving every son of a
dog thence generated, from the paraphrenitis of nothing to scratch.
"_Acrior illum
Cura donat._"
I thought of all this, (though without any room for the moral lesson it
so well conveys) as I came upon old _Grip_, spread out largely in the
sun, upon the pet flower-bed, upon the pet lawn, of that elegant _Rus in
urbe_, as the house-agent called it--"Placid Bower." _Grip_ had caught a
lizard, which he did not care to eat, getting more in the trencher way,
than he could away with, and finding his teeth more and more like a
hay-rake, which has done its work upon a score of farms, by August. But
it was against all the principles of his life, and the time-honoured
policy of the nation he belonged to, to let go a hold he once had laid.
And yet, as I could see by the twitching of his shoulder, and munch of
his lip, he could scarcely tell how to defer the crisis, and climax, of
a thoroughly exhaustive scratch. For no one durst wash him, except
myself; and I had never been near him, for six hot weeks.
Poor old chap! It made all my low spirits go lower, to think that he
could never more hear me, or see me, until I came as nigh him, as the
length he once could jump. There was no need to chain him up any more,
for fear of his flying at some visitor. He had lived in the world such a
length of time now, that he cared not to strive any more against vice;
unless it came meddling with his own dear belongings. All that old
interest, of sticking up for honesty, he had long since resigned to his
Oxford son, _Grapple_; whom he now approached with great consideration,
through the loss of his teeth, and the stiffness of his loins. _Grapple_
was bodily as good as _Grip_ had been, in his fighting hey-day, neither
was his pluck inferior; but the difference between them, in warmth of
heart, and faith, and steadfast loyalty, was almost as great as that
grown up, between our grandfathers and ourselves.
But I did not expect, well aware as I was of his staunch, and
well-proven fidelity, such warmth, and I might say such wildness of
welcome, as the ancient dog afforded me. When I called out "_Grip_," he
pricked up his ears, as if he could never more believe them; and then he
turned his poor eyes, spread with film; and looked at me, as if I were a
memory. Beginning to get an idea of some bliss, he slowly arose, and
shook himself; but still with his dull eyes set on me, and a tremulous
inquiry of his worn-out tail.
"_Grip_," I said, "_Grip_, what an old stupe you are!" and the sudden
joy made a young dog of him. With a mighty bark, such as he never
expected to compass again, he leaped up at me, and put his great
ossified paws on my breast, and offered me the delicate refreshment of
his tongue. Then he capered about, and made such a proclamation, that
the servants rushed out; and seeing me rushed back, to get things a
little tidy, before they let me in.
I found that my mother was still from home, but expected to come back
that night, and had written, to have the best bedroom prepared, for an
invalid gentleman whom she would bring. This would, of course, be her
brother William, of whom I had fully thought to hear as dead, and was
greatly pleased to find it otherwise, having kind memories of him, and
being uncommonly short of relatives.
As there was still a good piece of daylight, and it seemed dull to sit
there by myself, I resolved to reward the faithful _Grip_, by taking him
to see his native land, as he fairly might consider Maiden Lane. So we
set forth together to call on Mr. Chumps, who still carried on his
nutritious business, and wore the blue apron more stoutly than ever.
"Ha, my lad!" he cried, as I opened the shop-door, which rang a sharp
tocsin against beef and mutton-reivers, "you are come just in time for a
glass of the fizzing. Have you heard the good news? No, I s'pose not;
you've been down among all them swells, so long. Wonder almost, you
would deign to look us up. Go on into the parlour, with the missus, and
our Linda. In ten minutes thirty seconds, I shall put the shutters up,
and wouldn't take 'em down for the Dook, or his Royal Highness.
Leastways, I might for H.R.H., if he were going to give a supper-party;
but not for his Grace,--won't have shanks with his legs. Bill will be
back in ten minutes; go in, lad."
In the parlour I found Mrs. Chumps, and her daughter Belinda, and some
one else sitting in the corner, who seemed to be doubtful about turning
round, at the sound of my voice, or whatever it might be. The room was
rather gloomy, from a balcony over the windows, and the evening now set
in; and I thought, what a very shy young lady they have got! Or perhaps,
she has had too much tea and cake, and is gone fast asleep in the
corner. Not to disturb her, I sat down far away.
"Poor dear!" said Mrs. Chumps, who was looking very well, and you might
say ten years younger, with a new front to her hair, and a pink binding
to her bosom, and a pair of long-skirted kid-gloves on her lap, and a
juvenile jacket with Bohemian scollops, hung behind her, as if she had
just pulled it off--which she never could have done, unless born in it.
"Poor dear, she naturally feels it so deeply. Oh, Tommy Upmore, you men
never feel!"
"Don't we?" I replied, while wondering who the poor dear was, and what
her feelings were. "Mrs. Chumps, if you had only seen the stroke of our
eight, that beat Cambridge three years running, when he was compelled to
have his wise tooth out, and he had only cut it two years, I can assure
you, and the dentist attributed its state entirely to the way the wind
came over his left shoulder, and he begged me to support him with my
moral presence, that was how he put it, from his demoralisation----"
"How exactly you do talk like your dear mother!" Mrs. Chumps answered,
and rather shut me up; for a Bachelor of Arts ought to do more than
that. "I dare say the young man felt that deep enough; and my very best
sympathies would be with him, having had out, from first to last, five
and forty of 'em."
"Ma!" cried Miss Belinda, "Now how can you be so wicked? Mr. Upmore
knows better, when he sees them all there. And as for five and forty,
and at fifty shillings each--oh, Mr. Upmore, how many have we got?"
"That depends upon circumstances," I replied, for fear of being wrong,
having never been told at Oxford, nor yet by Mr. Cope, nor yet by Dr.
Rumbelow, nor any of the Classics I had dealt with yet. "Some have got
more, and some have less, no doubt."
"Never mind that;" Mrs. Chumps resumed,--"such subjects are meant for
young people, or those who have never known what ill health means. But,
my dear Tommy, the exact sum is twelve thousand, one hundred, and
twenty-five pounds, deducting the duty of three per cent.; and hard it
is to have to break the even money. But the poor dear does her best to
feel resigned; and the other will have to pay six per cent.; that's one
comfort, at any rate. And lucky she may count herself to get it at that
reckoning, when the whole twenty-five should have come this way. But
there, we must be easier to please, as I'm sure has always been my
motto. It will fetch me back to the Church, it will; just when I was
going to join the Congregation. They provides in the Church such a
tenderness of feeling, as I first learned out of the Catechism. N. or M.
it says, and he was both, for his name was 'Nathaniel Matthew,' and he
sat at the receipt of Customs. And my Godfather, and Godmother, in my
Baptism, wherein I was made an Inheritor. There is no such fine feeling
among them Dissenters. Poor dear, it is a sad blow for her! There was
tears in her eyes when she told us of it, and no Mammon of
unrighteousness could stop them rolling. My son William, who was first
of all the Colleges, is gone to the lawyer now, to give the proper
orders, as a Barrister of Lincoln Inn is bound to do. She have just
dropped in to talk about the mourning; her dear mamma says black; but
her mind is too distressful, and not at all suitable to her bright
complexion. Lavender, to my mind, is as deep as need be; and the poor
dear never seen him till his funeral, that took place at Highgate
yesterday. Give us your opinion, Mr. Upmore, if you please; after coming
from all their Ladyships."
"But I don't understand, Mrs. Chumps," I answered, wondering at my own
stupidity. "I have not the least idea, what the circumstances are."
"No more don't I, altogether. The whole have come such a sudden blow to
us. Belinda, darling, run and fetch the papers. Oh, bless the girl,
she's gone without the keys, I do believe!"
Mrs. Chumps laid down her gloves, and began hunting in her pockets; then
hurried from the room upon her daughter's track, while I sat bewildered.
Then a sad sigh issued from the gloomy corner, and a melancholy whisper
followed it.
"Oh, Tommy, Tommy, will you ever forgive me? For years, you were the
chosen of my heart. But--but you slighted me, you know you did; ever
since you became so rich, and grand. Whatever has happened is all your
own fault--and--and he is so many sizes bigger."
"Polly Windsor!" I exclaimed, going up to look at her. "Have you been
there, all that time, and never spoke a word to me?"
"Oh, how could I do it in the presence of spectators? And I was so
afraid, that you would make a dreadful scene, when you heard of all this
money, and my perfidy. Oh no, you must never call it that, dear Tommy.
You would break my poor heart. When I think of the many times, we have
settled almost everything, sitting in the cleanest of the
cinder-holes--my dress, and yours, and what the breakfast was to be, and
where we would have our holidays--and now, oh now, you can be nothing
more to me than the best man, if they even allow you to be that. But I
shall insist upon it, and Bill, in return, may settle all about the
bridesmaids. Oh, here they come again! For my sake, control your
feelings."
I found no difficulty at all in doing this, and was heartily glad when I
got at last to the kernel of the story, which was simply this. Mrs.
Windsor, who had always spoken very highly of her grand connexions, had
an uncle well posted in the Custom-House, and for many years enjoying
fine opportunities--such as they seldom seem to get there now--of making
due provision, for the benefit of himself. This thoroughly honest old
gentleman contrived, by strict economy, and frugal speculations, to die
of the value of more than half a plum; and having neither chick nor
stick to care for, had left the sum of five and twenty thousand pounds,
to be divided equally between his two God-daughters, Polly Windsor, and
another yet more distantly related, whose name I have forgotten, but can
find out if required. It must not be supposed for a moment, that these
facts had any influence whatever on the heart of our Bill Chumps, which
had found its purer half, and more exalted aim, in Polly, ever since he
passed his little-go. Still, there were so many of the Windsor family,
and soap had been so dull of late, and candles had looked down so much,
that the paternal purveyor of meat, (more stubborn of fibre than a
Clare-market steak), steeled his heart, and his block-knife, against an
alliance, which would cost a fellowship of three hundred pounds a year.
Now this Custom-house money had redressed all that. Bill, who was sure
to have his way in the end, as he always had done hitherto, was welcome
to have it at once, with the blessing of the slaying and the boiling
interest. I alone was to be left in the cold; and sympathy was felt for
me, whenever I was present. But no sooner was I gone, than I found out
once, by coming back sharply for my walking-stick, that everybody
laughed, and made a good joke of it; as if I had been served quite
right, and taught not to give myself airs--which I am sure I never did!
And this imbued me with such a sense of wrong, that I declined to be the
bride's best man at the wedding, any more than I would be Bill's
bridesmaid; and instead of feeling any envy for him, I was sorry; being
morally certain that he would pay out for it. For Polly Windsor's mother
had a temper of her own; as my dear father (a very sound judge of women)
had said in my presence, at least fifty times, when she had taken up her
glass with her gloves on, a thing no right-minded woman ever thinks of
doing. And such things can seldom, or I might say never, be thrown off
in the female line.
However, it was no concern of mine, what sort of a handful Bill Chumps
had got; and the public will perceive, that I should not have gone into
this question at all, as I have been obliged to do, except for the
stories put about, concerning my share in the matter--which, as you
see, was none! But no sooner does a man become highly distinguished in
politics--as I have been compelled to do--than everything he has handled
(from the time he used his coral) is raked up, and ransacked, and rifled
against him. Fifty times, have I been charged at elections, and five
times in the House itself, by Irish members, with having jilted the
daughter of a brother, and far superior, soap-maker to my father! It is
below my dignity, to explain such matters, at the crisis of a very
important debate, or even when they are throwing eggs at me. But I do
hope, that now having set down the facts, with every word ready to be
sworn to, I have heard the last of that vile calumny.
FOOTNOTE:
[2] Alas that the newest, and perhaps noblest, of all scientific
discoveries--the doctrine of creation by eccnesis--cannot be claimed by
an English, or even--as _a priori_ should have been--a learned Scotch
professor, but passes to the credit of a French _savant_, hitherto
unknown, but now immortal.