WHALEBONES.
My dear mother always says, and allows no contradiction about it, that
this whale, being all bones and blubber, had no right whatever to come
ashore there, and to set me against my father's trade. She declares that
all science is full of smells, a thousand times worse than we make; and
that all their fuss about drains is just, that they may get themselves
cleaned up, for nothing. All the people before her, in generation, lived
to be ninety, without any drain upon them; except her own parents, and
why did they die? Why, because there was a drain carried through their
garden; and the smell came in, and choked them!
In support of this view, there is much to be said; and according to my
own experience, ten people are killed, by the making and opening of
drains, for one who can hope in his lungs, that he breathes better air
when near them. Nature has designed the human race, to stand well apart
on the face of the earth, and not huddle up in hillocks, as the emmets
do; and their certainty of fighting, when they get too thick, shows
this, without further argument. And another thing that proves it, is the
fact, that when they clot together, they make drains; which destroy
everybody who is fond of them. My father was as well as any man could
be, till what they call "sanitary engineering" broke his constitution;
and the lively smells, that our works had scattered, were bottled into
deadly poison.
As yet, I was too young to understand such matters, or even to give a
thought to them; but the standing I took upon that whale, and the
pleasure with which I went into him, did a great deal for me, in the
good opinion (than which there could be no better one) of the kind
Professor Megalow. Roly would not come anigh our operations, after one
experiment, and a short one; but I, with my quickness and lightness of
tread, was of some little service, I do believe, in the cause of
harmless science. I learned all the names of the Professor's tools, and
could bring them to him, without wanting any ladder; and any little cut,
that could be made without much strength, I could make under his
direction, while he was at the bigger work. He did not attempt to get
all the skeleton, greatly as he longed to do so; for this was no whale
to be found every day, but one who had no business here; and his name
was something like chocolate. The Professor sighed heavily; as his bones
grew more, and more, attractive, and hung over us, like a great arbour
drooped with a fine lot of creepers; but he knew, long since, what it is
to depend, for money, upon the Government. Lucky would he be, to get the
head, and fins, and tail, and some odds and ends, if a dozen rival
claimants would let him have so much.
"That whale is mine," said Lady Twentifold; "he chose to land on my
property, and I give him to Professor Megalow; not to the Government,
that won't pay a penny, but to the Professor, to put in his own garden."
"That whale belongs to me," said the local receiver of the droits of the
Admiralty; "the foreshore is vested in the Crown, and the Admiralty
represents the Crown."
"Clearly, there can be no question," said the man, who represented the
Trinity House, "that the whale is ours; and we mean to have him."
Then there came a lawyer, employed by the crew of the boat who had first
harpooned him; and another retained by the men who stuck him last; and
another by a captain who had espied him go down; and another by a
fisherman who headed him ashore; and one by the Coast-guard, who had
seen him stranded first; and two by a man who had foretold the weather,
and kept his ropes ready, though he never had to use them. But, in spite
of all these claims, the men who got him, or at least got all the best
of him, were the men who made no claim at all; but came down, with carts
and casks, and helped themselves.
For my part, I thought it not only unjust, but stupid, that I should
work so hard, and establish a right, as the Professor said, to a very
considerable share of blubber, and my father not get a pailful! I wrote
to him, beginning with a line of Latin--not so much to accredit my
learning, as to make him pay proper attention,--and after that, I said
that here there was any quantity of stuff, such as he could never get,
for love or money, (unadulterated), and it was to be had, for the
asking; or rather for taking, without asking. I told him, how it shone
in the sun, and held together, and took different colours as you looked
at it; and I was sure that he would make his fortune; because he could
get it for nothing, and make it mix up into everything. And I was
certain of stirring him up, and getting five shillings, by return of
post, when I added--"Everybody says that Mr. Barlow, of Happystowe
candle-works, will make a thousand pounds, out of this poor whale, that
is being cut up by me, and Professor Megalow."
My mother was kind enough to answer; but without any sort of reference
to business. My father took no more notice of my letter, than if I had
sent him a bark of _Grip's_, instead of a pill-box, filled with sample
from my own knife, at a place where the blubber was more than fourteen
inches thick. And this goes some way to prove, that his mind was already
on the rise above the smaller details, and getting into larger views of
lofty subjects, such as chemical researches, political oeconomy, and
even Government contracts. And it turned out afterwards, as you will
see, that he was right in attending to these wholesale sizes.
Dear mother sent me half a crown in stamps, for fear of my changing the
half-sovereign, and related a beautiful dream she had enjoyed, about me,
and Professor Megalow, standing on the whale, with our wings spread out.
"She knew, from all the pictures, what a whale was like, and hoped (for
the sake of my new overcoat) I kept out of the way, when he spouted.
And, if I could bring a piece of genuine bone, for the sake of her
stays, it would be such a comfort, for everything now was adulterated;
and their want of spring ran into her. And then, she added, that she
did not think I had better write a line to Polly Windsor (though she
sent me a message from Polly, to say that I ought to have done it long
ago), because it was not so well to go too far, and create expectations,
which might come to nothing. Her own opinion was, that after my last
fly, and the high society it led to, there was no telling what might be
before me, in the family way, and otherwise. But above all, she begged
me, for her dear sake, not to trust to the grand dinners I got here, and
their turtle and their venison, and their Aspic jelly, but to keep the
tongue of the buckle of my lead-belt in the third hole from the end;
for, if the wind took me, out over the sea, what could Lady Twentifold,
and the whale, and even the great Professor do?"
I was quite content to save fingers from pen, in the direction of Polly
Windsor. Polly was very well in her way; when she chose to be pleased,
and look pretty. Moreover, she was a very well-grown girl, with broad
shoulders, and big arms, and long brown hair, and her feet so truly a
pair, that she never could tell her right shoe from her left. And from
her mother she had inherited so much strength of dignity, that, if I
went to kiss her, when the mood was not in liking, or if she saw me
trying it with any of her enemies, she would take me up with one hand,
and lay me on the cinders. But I must not say too much of that; or Sir
William Chumps will be down upon me.
We had promised to marry one another; ever since she had her first pink
slips, and I went into trousers; but I never vowed not to speak to any
other girl, nor to let her box my ears, and say "thank you, dear;" as
she seemed to believe that I had done. And surely, it is no great
reproach upon me, that now, in this busy time, I never thought about
her, unless I got something very good to suck, and wished that she were
there to have a bit. For it must be understood, that Professor Megalow,
could not do a good stroke of work without me, according to the very
best of my belief; and as he was lodging at Crowton Naze, which was more
than three miles from the Towers, and as he must get to work, the moment
that the sunlight came over the sea into the wattles of the whale, there
was no help for it, but that I must be up, by the crow of a cock, who
lived under my window; for not a serving man, or ruling woman, at the
Towers, would take sixpence a day, to get up so soon. Sir Roland called
me a confounded fool, and said that I came there to play, and not to
work; and even Lady Twentifold was vexed with me. But, like everybody
else, she fell under the enchantment of the Professor's eyes, and smile.
And I did hear my lady's favourite maid declaring to her cousin, who had
to make my bed, that "you should have seen my lady's face, when she was
told, by a friend who pretended to know all about him, that the
Professor had been married, for several years."
At any rate, he worked as hard, as if he had a large small family to
keep; and I was told afterwards, and can well believe (because he was
under the Government) that he would have been paid, more than twice as
much, if he had done less than half the work. But neither of us gave a
thought to that. Our object was to walk off with the whale, or so much
of him as was moveable; before the twelve lawyers, who were hard at
work, could get an order from the Courts, to stop us. And luckily, this
was the season of the year, when the law (like a Python) retires for
three months, to digest its swallowings. Moreover, when a boat's crew of
people, (who care for the law, about as much as science does) that is to
say, blunt fishermen came with intention of landing at high water, and
storming the whale, who was well drawn up,--even the Professor could not
have stopped them (though Lady Twentifold's bailiff was there, to back
him up, through thick and thin), if once those fellows could have
landed. By saying to _Grip_ "have a care, my boy," I was able to do a
good turn to our cause; for he knew a gun better than I did, and feared
no other thing on earth, but that. One look into the boat convinced him
that these rogues had got no fire-arms; and as soon as he had knocked
over two, who desired to land, the rest held parley.
"Our coast-guard will be withdrawn, next week," the Professor assured
them, in his kind and solid way; and whether they misunderstood his
meaning, and believed the Preventive men to be in possession, or whether
they were glad of some good reason for withdrawal; at any rate they
withdrew as promptly, as every one of English race does now, when it
might prove troublesome to go on. Moreover, they showed a grand contempt
for us; which the mere act of running away exhibits. And in all
probability they were wise; for _Grip_ had struck back upon ancestral
qualities, as some few Englishmen do, even yet. By slow, and solid
holding of his own, he had thrashed all the Twentifold Tower dogs, every
one of whom was to have eaten him; and now he was living on whalebone,
and every muscle was as hard as wire. If mental analogy counts for
aught, against low physical resemblance, _Grip_ was far more akin to the
English race, than the present generation is.
The Professor was delighted with all these works; and, as soon as we had
finished, and packed up the results, he laid his hand upon my head. Upon
his own, he had a velvet cap; and the whole of his face was one sweet
smile.
"Tommy," he said, looking steadfastly at me, and swinging a little from
side to side, for he always stood with his head well back, and his heels
a trifle forward; "what a help you have been, my dear little Tommy--a
truly strongsiding champion! Now, before I go, to see your good works
stowed away in our dark recesses, tell me what I can do for you, to show
the gratitude of the nation." He was fond of talking in this style,
making small things great, and great things small.
"If you please, sir," I said, after thinking awhile, for I believed that
he could do anything; "I should be so glad, if you could stop me, from
having to go up in the air so."
Professor Megalow's bright smile changed into a smile of sadness. He
began to rub his well-established nose, in the fork of his finger and
thumb; and then he whistled, and put his hands into his trouser pockets.
"Oh yes, sir, you can, if you like;" I said, taking hold of one thumb,
which he had left out; "there is nothing of the things that can be done,
that you can't do, when you like, sir. I only want to be able to take
off this lead, that makes me blue all round, and to leave these heavy
things behind; and get to feel the ground under my feet go firm; as it
seems to do, with everybody else but me. I have longed so often to ask
you, sir; but I did not like, until you asked me. Oh, Sir
Megalo-micro-sauros, do try to help me, if I have helped you."
He had told me to call him "Micro-sauros" once, when I stuck fast with
his proper name,--"for our origin now is established, my Tommy; and yet,
we may modify our pedigrees. My proclivities show me to be devolved, in
a very degenerate, and underfed form, from the mighty race of Saurians."
And as cause, and effect, interlace each other, he spent his life, in
dissecting his ancestors.
"Thomas," he said now, for whenever he spoke in a very solid vein, he
called me that; "Thomas, my boy, be contented with that, which has been
ordained concerning you. Yours is not the only instance of what our
friends call _Meiocatobarysm_; the meaning of which you have Greek
enough now, as well as experience enough to know. The form of life, in
which you find yourself, is perhaps the happiest among all, with which
we are as yet acquainted--to wit, that of an English boy, of the middle
class, well-fed, well-taught, well-played (if I may be allowed the
expression), dressed, quite as well as he cares to be, and walking about
at his leisure, with an eye down the manifold vistas of mischief. In a
few years, Thomas will have changed all that. He will find himself bound
to pay rates, and taxes, and never know when he has paid them right; to
go to his office, with a compressor on his head, and measure his words,
like poison; to doubt his very oldest friends, and be hearty with people
he can't bear the sight of; and to go home at night, with the certainty
that one run of bad luck may ruin him. Thomas, be happy while you can."
"But, sir," I answered; "how can I be happy, when everybody expects me
to go up? No one else, in the world, is expected to go up; because he
couldn't do it, if he tried. And I can't go up, more than once in a way;
even if my mother would allow me. And yet, I am always getting blamed,
by a number of people, for not going up. Even Roly is down upon me now,
to do it; and because I won't try, but keep working at the whale, he
seems to be getting tired of me."
"Tommy, that is sad; and yet a natural result. To my far less remarkable
self, it has happened; when kind friends expected me to rise too fast.
Reserve yourself, Tommy; and preserve your self-respect. But would you
be really glad, my boy, to lose this special gift of yours? Remember,
that if you do, you cease to attract any public attention--doubtful
benefit as that may be. Do you really wish, to be unable to pirouette in
the air again?"
Professor Megalow, in the kindest manner, put both hands on my
shoulders, and fixed his very large clear eyes on mine. It was hopeless
for any one, looked at thus, to tell a lie; neither was my nature that.
"If you please, sir," I said, "there is nothing I like better, than to
be taken for a wonder of the world, and to read a whole column in the
Newspapers about me, beginning with 'Unparalleled phenomenon.' But what
I can't bear is, to be always bothered to do it, for people to look at;
and to be laughed at, as if I were a rogue, or else a curmudgeon, when I
don't go up, to order. Sometimes, I have been tempted to pull my
weights off--but I promised my mother, that I never would do that. And
you know, sir, that I can only go up, now and then; and always, when I
don't want to do it. And when I come down again, I am so stupid; and my
head goes round, for hours."
"The natural result of anything counter to the ordinary laws of earth.
Have you anything more to explain, concerning your wishes, so far as you
know them?"
"No, sir, except that I should like once, to go up, if it was only as
high as his hat, when my father was there, to see me do it. Because he
is so cock-sure that I can't do it; and he calls it nothing but a pack
of lies. And, somehow or other, I assure you, sir, I am just like a lump
of lead, when father is looking at me."
"A common complaint of the _Mediums_, Tommy, of the effect incredulity
has on them. But, my dear little anthropic nautilus, I can do nothing,
either to make, or mar your excursions over my own head. As I have told
you before, there is nothing exceptional in your formation; only it
happens, that your bodily contour is exactly such as to promote the
tendencies of your specific levity. Do you understand me, noble volant?"
"Well, sir, I think that I do a little; but not very clearly, until I
get older. Bodily contour means the turning of my body, when I go up;
doesn't it?"
"No, Tommy, no. It means physical outline; if that is any clearer to
you. You give me a lesson in lucidity, as the cant of the day calls
clearness. To put what I mean, into the vulgar tongue--which is the
least vulgar of all just now--your outward shape is especially fitted,
to help the lightness of your material, in conquering the power of
gravitation. Your chest is very large, and can be much expanded; your
head is rather small, and of little substance, but endowed with a mass
of curls, which take the wind, like a mop being trundled; your feet are
very hollow and receive the air; and the palms of your hands are
concave. Above all, your stomach, my dear little friend, or rather your
hypogastrium, has a curve, which requires continual attention, in the
way of aliment. If neglected, this lends itself at once to inferior
pressure. But with all these qualifications, Tommy, you might defy the
breezes, if you only had a stable mind, and bones a little more like
mine."
The Professor had goodly bones of his own, as behoves a great
osteologist; whereas mine are very small, and slight, and it takes some
time to find them. But I saw no way to increase their size; and before I
could ask, if such there were, Sir Roland came cantering up, and behind
him appeared his mother, in a pony-carriage, together with her lovely
child, Miss Laura.
"Oh, how we shall miss you!" exclaimed my dear lady--as I was allowed to
call her--"Professor Megalow, if I establish my right to the residue of
that whale, I shall have it preserved, and a gallery made, in gratitude
for all that we have learned from you."
"I heartily hope that you will," he replied, gracefully lifting his
velvet cap, as he always did at a compliment; "then there will be some
excuse, for me to come down, and have another carve at him."
"Professor," cried Sir Roland, who was always wanting something; "there
is one thing that you must do, before you go, for the finishing touch
to our gratitude. You must send Tommy up, in this nice quiet reach,
without any fellow here to shoot at him; and we'll tie this kite-string
to his belt, after we have taken the lead out; to make sure of his not
drifting out to sea."
"Tommy, and I, are very warm allies," my great friend answered gravely;
"and unless you behave most respectfully to him, I shall tie the
kite-string to you, and with her ladyship's permission, send up you."
That was a very fine moment for me, who have been compelled by my
peculiar case, to keep such a sharp look-out, what all the people around
me are thinking of. In every condition of things, even my best friends
have always considered it a nice little piece of excitement, and a
pleasure entirely due to them, that I should go up, and encounter all
risk, while they remained below, with the heartiest wishes for my safe
deliverance.
Sir Roland Towers-Twentifold looked at the Professor, as if to say, at
first, "You could not do it, if you tried." The Professor regarded him,
with earnest sadness, as much as to say--"Don't make me try; because it
might be so bad for you." Then Roly, in doubt and alarm, glanced towards
his mother; who had said that he knew no fear. Her eyes were saddened
with a gleam of tears, for she had long made up her mind, that the great
Professor could do anything permitted by the laws of England. Yet
honour, and fine sentiment, forbade her to forbid, that her son should
do a thing, which he had urged a friend to do. The wise man enjoyed the
situation for a moment; then perceived that it was painful to kind and
good friends, and at once relieved them.
"I withdraw my proposal, which was rashly made;" he said to Lady
Twentifold, with that wonderful mixture of nod and wink, which had
neither nod in it, nor wink, perceptible, and yet conveyed the force of
both; "I am truly glad, that I did not give your dauntless son time to
accept my offer. Perhaps it would have puzzled me, if he had. Especially
as my train will be due in an hour, and the drive to the Station takes
forty minutes. Is there any gratitude, in the sons of men? If there be,
how little time have I left to express it--and yet the wisest plan; for
no length of time would suffice me!"
He lifted her white hand to his lips, in the gallant manner, which
became him well; and my dear lady bowed over it, and turned to her
carriage, with a little sigh, which conveyed to the ponies--if they
understood their mistress--that it was through no default of hers, that
they never would be guided by a strong male hand.