Artemus Ward records that he once went to the theatre, "Niblo's
Garding," New York, to hear Edwin Forrest in Othello. "I sot down in the
Pit," says he, "took out my spectacles & commenced peroosin' the
evenin's bill. The awjince was all-fired large & the Boxes was full of
the Elitty of New York. Several opery glasses was leveld at me by
Gothum's fairest darters, but I didn't let on as tho I noticed it, tho
mebby I did take out my sixteen-dollar silver watch & brandish it round
more than was necessary. But, the best of us has our weaknesses, and if
a man has gewelry, let him show it.
"As I was peroosin' the bill, a grave young man who sot near me axed me
if I'd ever seen Forrest dance 'The Essence of Old Virginny? He's
immense in that,' said the young man. 'He also does a fair champion
jig,' the young man continued, 'but his Big Thing is the Essence of Old
Virginny.'
"Sez I--'Fair youth, do you know what I'd do with you, if you was my
sun?'
"'No,' sez he.
"'Wall,' sez I, 'if you was my sun, I'd appint your funeral for tomorrow
arternoon, at two o'clock--and the Korps would be reddy. You're too
smart to live on this here yearth.' That youth didn't try any more of
his doggone capers on me."
"Teacher," said a boy in a New York City school, "my sister's got the
measles." "Well, then, my boy, you go home and you stay home till your
sister has entirely got over them." After the boy was gone, another boy
raised his hand and said, "Teacher, that boy's sister what's got the
measles lives in Omaha!"