Lazily sauntering along on the gay boardwalk, enjoying the stiff salt
breeze and paying due attention to the merry throng always passing up
and down, my attention was called to a certain rolling chair whose
occupant I thought I knew. Wasn't that Barney Schmitt? Barney, you must
know, keeps one of the very best cafés in existence, up in one of the
most flourishing towns in Eastern Pennsylvania. I knew he had been
suffering greatly from rheumatism for a year past, but had lost track of
him recently and supposed him to be in the doctor's hands at some Water
Cure up in New York State--and here he was, fat and puffy, all covered
up with a big steamer rug in a rolling chair. I stopped the chair and
said, "Hello, Barney, that you?"
"Yes," said he, "diss iss me. I vish to Himmel it wass somepody else."
"Well, how are you? Better I hope?"
Barney shook his head with a rueful countenance. "No, I'm no petter.
I've tried everything in all greation from a lemon to Gristian Ziance,
undt it all does no good."
"Christian Science? So you tried that, did you? How did it work?"
"Let me tell you," said the suffering Barney with a smile that might
have been mistaken for a wince. "You know I went up to der Wasser-Cure,
up dere in New York. I had plasters undt pads all ofer my pody, undt
walked mit a pair of grutches. De first evening I got dere, I wass
settin' in der parlor tryin' hard to keep from hollerin' mit der pain,
undt a woman come up to me--one of dese here Gristian Ziance women, you
know, a mighty purty, sweet-faced woman she wass, too--undt she says to
me, says she:
"'Vat iss der matter mit you, Mr. Schmitt?' Undt I toldt her apoudt my
rheumatism, undt den she says:
"'Mr. Schmitt, dere iss nodings der matter mit you. You only think dere
iss. It iss all in your mindt. It issn't in your pody. Your pody can't
feel noding. It iss your mindt vat feels. Your rheumatism iss all in
your mindt. All you have got to do iss to get your mindt changed, you
see, undt you vill be all right.
"'Now, Mr. Schmitt, I tell you vat to do undt you vill soon be vell. Ven
you go to bed to-night, you make your mindt nice undt quiet like, fill
your heart full mit good thoughts of peace undt joy; say a nice little
prayer, undt go to sleep. Den, in de morning, ven you get avake, you
compose your mindt mit peaceful thoughts, you say a nice little prayer
to yourself, and you yusht say: "Mr. Schmitt! Dere iss nodings der
matter mit you--you are vell undt shtrong!" Undt you jump out of de bed,
undt dere you are!'"
"All right. I did all vat she said. I vent to bed. I said a nice leetle
prayer, vat my mudder taught me, in der German language, undt I vent to
sleep.
"In der morning I get awake. I haf very peaceful undt peautiful
thoughts, undt I say to myself:
"'Barney Schmitt, you are a tam fool. Dere iss nodings der matter mit
you. You are all right.'
"Undt mit dot, I just jump out in der mittle of der floor, undt lit on
my pack mit a mighty doonder-knock vat shook der vinders. I fell all in
a heap, undt mine Himmel! didn't I holler! Der bell poy, der hotel
clerk, der doctor undt two nurses coom on der double quick, pick me up
undt put me in der bed. Undt dere I vas for two weeks, all right. Dat's
vat I know about Gristian Ziance. Undt now here I am in Atlantic City in
a rollin' chair. Pray for me, colonel, for my prayers doesn't seem to do
me much goot!"