Chauncey Depew spoke one evening during a political campaign at a town
in the interior of New York State, which it is not necessary to name.
The next morning the chairman of the local committee took him in his
carriage for a ride about the place. They had reached the suburbs and
were admiring a bit of scenery when a man wearing a blue shirt and
carrying a long whip on his shoulder approached from where he had been
piloting an ox-team along the middle of the street and said:
"You're the man that made the rattlin' speech up at the hall last night,
I guess?"
Mr. Depew modestly admitted that he had indulged in some talk at the
time and place specified.
"Didn't you have what you said writ out?" went on the man.
"No," replied the orator.
"You don't mean to say you made that all up as you went along?"
"Yes."
"Jess hopped right up there, took a drink o' water out of the pitcher,
hit the table a whack and waded in without no thinkin' nor nothing?"
"Well, I suppose you might put it that way."
"Well, that beats me. You'll excuse me for stoppin' you, but what I
wanted to say was that your speech convinced me, though I knowed all the
time it was the peskiest lie that was ever told. I made up my mind to
vote your ticket, but I'd 'a' been willin' to bet a peck o' red apples
that no man could stand up and tell such blamed convincin' lies without
havin' 'em writ out. You must 'a' had an awful lot o' practice."
"WHO'D 'A' BIN 'ER?"
A lady living in Ohio is the mother of six boys. One day a friend called
on her, and during the conversation said: "What a pity that one of your
boys had not been a girl." One of the boys, about eight years old,
overheard the remark, and promptly interposed, "I'd like to know who'd
'a' bin 'er. Ed wouldn't 'a' bin 'er, Joe wouldn't 'a' bin 'er, Pete
wouldn't 'a' bin 'er, I wouldn't 'a' bin 'er, blame ef I would, an' I'd
like to know who'd 'a' bin 'er?"
"IN THE WAY THEY SHOULD GO"
Mrs. Hobbs was the parent of an infant terror and several half-grown
terrors besides. One day at table she said, "Well, Mr. Hobbs, since you
are so dissatisfied with the way I am bringing up our darling Willie,
maybe you will condescend to inform me how you would bring up boys?"
"Certainly," said Hobbs. "Every boy ought to be kept in a hogshead, and
fed through the bung-hole until he is twelve years of age."
"And when he reaches the age of twelve?"
"Stop up the bung-hole."
"NO THOROUGHFARE"
A toll-gate was recently established on a road leading to Little Rock,
Ark.; and an old negro who came along with an ox-team was much
astonished. "Wall, ef dis doan cap de climax," said he. "Ain satisfied
wid chargin' folks fur ridin' on de train and steamboat, but wanster to
charge him fur ridin' in his own waggin!" "That's the law of the
corporation, old man." "Wat's de corporation got to do wid my waggin?"
"Got nothing to do with your wagon, but they have a right to make you
pay for riding over their road." "Ain dis er a free country?" "Yes. But
this is not a free road." "But de road's in the country. What does yer
law say yer may charge?" "One horse, five cents; a horse and buggy, ten
cents; two horses and a wagon, twenty cents." "Well, dese here ain't
horses, 'case da's steers. De law doan say nuthin' about dem. Whoa,
dar! Come 'ere!" And to the astonishment of the gate-keeper, the old
fellow drove away.