"Do you know the prisoner well?" asked the attorney.
"Never knew him sick," replied the witness.
"Come--no levity," said the lawyer sternly. "Now, sir, did you ever see
the prisoner at the bar?"
"Took many a drink with him at the bar."
"Answer my question," yelled the lawyer. "How long have you known the
prisoner?"
"From two feet up to five feet ten inches."
"Will the Court please make the----"
"I have, Jedge," said the witness, anticipating the lawyer. "I have
answered his question. I knowed the prisoner when he was a boy two feet
long and a man five feet ten."
"Your Honor----"
"It's a fact, Jedge, and I'm under oath," persisted the witness. The
lawyer arose, placed both hands on the table in front of him, spread his
legs apart, leaned his body over the table and said:
"Will you tell the Court what you know about this case?"
"That ain't his name," answered the witness.
"What ain't his name?"
"Why, Case."
"Who said it was?"
"You did, just now. You wanted to know what I knew about this Case. His
name is Smith."
"Your Honor," howled the lawyer, pulling his beard, "will you make the
witness answer my questions?"
"Witness," said the judge, "you must answer the questions put to you."
"Land o' Goshen! Hain't I been doin' it, Jedge? Let the blame cuss fire
away, I'm ready."
"Then," said the lawyer, "don't beat about the bush any more. You and
the prisoner have been friends?"
"Never."
"What! wasn't you summoned here as a friend?"
"No, sir. I was summoned here as a Presbyterian. Nary one of us ever was
friends. He's a old-line Baptist without a drop o' Quaker blood in
him."
"Stand down," yelled the lawyer in disgust.
"Hey?"
"Stand down!"
"Can't do it. I kin set down, ef ye want me to, or I kin stand up, but I
can't stand down."
"Sheriff--remove this man from the box."
Witness retires muttering: "Well, if he ain't the thick-headedest cuss I
ever laid eyes on."