During the Civil War a German cavalryman, Hans von Gelder by name, on
coming into camp saw at a distance a squad of men who were apparently
greatly interested or excited about something.
"Vat's der matter oud dere?" asked Hans.
"Shelling," was the laconic answer.
"Shellin'? Who was giffin' us fits now? Whose gommand is makin' dot
shellin'?"
"It's General R----'s command shelling corn for the horses." When Hans
finally grasped the idea, he laughed long and loud and determined to
make some one else the victim of the jest. Upon returning to his tent he
wakened his sleeping comrade and exclaimed:
"Say, I haf got von goot shoke."
"You couldn't get off a joke, Hans, to save your soul."
"Vell, now, you ask me vat dem fellers are doin' ofer dere, undt I vill
tell you dot shoke."
"Well, what air they doin' over there?"
"Dey vas shellin' corn for dere hosses. Haw! haw! haw!"
"But that hain't no joke."
"Dond id?" asked Hans in surprise. "Vell, if id dond now, it used to
pe."
* * * * *
Sam Ward was once seated opposite a well-known senator at a dinner in
Washington. The senator was very bald, and the light shining brilliantly
on the breadth of his scalp attracted Ward's attention.
"Can you tell me," said he to his neighbor, "why that senator's head is
like Alaska?"
"I'm sure I don't know," was the answer.
"Because it is a great white bear place."
The man was immensely tickled and he at once hailed the senator across
the table:
"Say, senator, Ward's just got off a good thing about you."
"What is it? Let's have it."
"Do you know why your bald head is like Alaska?"
"No. Give it up."
"Because it is a great place for white bears."
* * * * *
The following, gentle reader, is given place here purely for the benefit
of the next generation:
In a certain court in the good State of Maine, once upon a time, the
proceedings were delayed by the failure of a witness by the name of
Sarah Mony to arrive. After waiting a long time for Sarah, the court
concluded to wait no longer, and his Honor, wishing to crack his little
joke, remarked:
"The Court will adjourn without Sarah--Mony."
Everybody laughed except one man who sat in solemn meditation for five
full minutes, and then burst out into a hearty guffaw, "I see it! I see
it!"
He laughed all the way home, and when he arrived there he tried to tell
the joke to his wife, saying that he had been down in the court-house,
and they were trying a case, and there was a witness wanted who didn't
turn up, and her name was Mary Mony, and so the judge said, "We'll
adjourn without Mary Mony--" Ha, ha, ha!
And then his wife said she didn't see anything funny in that, and he
said, "I know it, I know it. I didn't at first either. But you will in
about five minutes."
* * * * *
"Say, Jenks, old boy," said one man to another on the street, "here's a
good one: What's the difference between me and a donkey?"
"Well--what is the difference?"
"Measuring by my eye, I should say it was about three feet."
Jenks, thinking that too good to be lost, carried it home to his wife.
"Say, Maria," said he, "what's the difference between me and a donkey?"
And the cruel woman with a merry laugh answered, "Not a particle of
difference!"