Iowa, 12, 3, '06.
Dear Sir:--Your sumptuous letter received, and in reply will say that
they come frequently, and it would have afforded the boys much amusement
had not the melancholy thought come with it that you had no better sense
than to abuse, slander and dun a gentleman.
You speak of honor, if you are honorable you know not whereof you speak.
You also speak of causing me much trouble, my land, I have already
trouble enough to send a whole brigade of you wise boys over the road
fifty times. I will give you a history of this case, and if you are
surprised at my actions in regard to your claim for 10.00 you are
undoubtedly the worst set of misers on earth.
To begin with in 1891 I bought a restaurant on credit. In 1892 I bought
an OX team, a timber cart, a pair of Texas ponies, a gold watch, a
breech-loading shotgun, A repeating rifle, A milk cow, A pair of fine
hogs, and a set of books all on the instalment plan, and hired hands to
dig a fish pond. In 1905 my restaurant burned flat to the ground and
never left me a thing, one of my ponies died and I hired the other one
to an infernal, insignificant drummer. He killed him driving him too
hard. Then I joined the farmers alliance and Methodist church, and took
advantage of the homestead exemption and honest debtors' relief law, and
then had my applycation wrote out to join the masons. In the latter part
of 1905 my father died and my mother married a Mexican. And my brother
Bud was lynched for horse stealing. My sister choked to death on a
button and I had to pay her funeral expenses.
In 1905 I got burned out again, and I took to drink and soon went
through with the interest on what I owed, which was all I had left. My
wife run away and left me all the children to take care of. I don't care
for anybody and nothing surprises me any more. Now if you feel like
tackeling me pitch in, I'll have to stand it, I suppose. But let me give
you a gentle tip, getting money out of me is like stuffing butter in a
keyhole with a hot awl.
You speak of making no effort to adjust this bill; what is the use? If
steam boats were worth two cents apiece I couldn't buy a gang plank. You
ask if I thought it would of been more manly to of acknowledged the
truth. I answer no, by the way, I don't expect anything but to be
pestered by lawyers, collection sharks and other humbugs and grafters,
until this pestilence relieves me from their clutches. Be for I die I am
going to Petition heigh heaven for a shower of fire and destruction on
the whole bunch. And I will particular pray that the storm spend most of
its fury on that southern hamlet where you claim to get your mail.
Maliciously and disrespectfully yours,
----.