If I should die to-night
And you should come to my cold corpse and kneel
Clasping my bier to show the grief you feel,
I say, if I should die to-night
And you should come to me and there and then
Just even hint about paying me that ten
I might arise the while
But I’d drop dead again.
Twice, thought I, the coin to send,
My one indebtedness to end.
But since I’ve learned a shock so great
A prompt remittance would create,
I do not like to pay you quite
For fear that you might die of fright—
So wait.
_Limericks_
Now what is a Limerick pray?
I beg of you poet to say.
Conversation like this
Is a Limerick, miss,
But it doesn’t occur every day.
* * * * *
Said a husband, You think I’m a St.
I will fool you a bit, for I at.
Now please take a look,
Watch me wink at the cook!
* * * * *
No, the black ’round his eye isn’t pt.
* * * * *
A young thing named Katherine Parr
Was crazy to be a screen star,
But she snubbed her director
When he tried to correct her,
So Kate didn’t get very far.
* * * * *
There once was an old man of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time;
When asked, Why a third?
He replied, One’s absurd!
And bigamy sir, is a crime!
* * * * *
There once was a person of Benin
Who wore clothes not fit to be seen in;
When told that he shouldn’t
He replied, Gumscrumrudent!
A word of inscrutable meanin’!
* * * * *
There was a gay damsel of Lynn,
Whose waist was so charmingly thin,
The dressmaker needed
A microscope—she did—
To fit this slim person of Lynn.
* * * * *
There was a young lady named Anna,
Who sang in the choir soprano.
The tenor said, There!
As she mounted the stair,
I’ve both seen and heard your Hose, Anna!
* * * * *
There was an old man in a tree
Who was horribly bored by a bee,
When they said, Does it buzz?
He replied, Yes it does,
It’s a regular brute of a bee!
* * * * *
Unless I’ve a new gown, said she,
I really can’t go to the tea.
I’ve nothing to wear,
My back is quite bare.
You’re right in the style, then, said he.
* * * * *
A proud young rooster named Gawk,
Was taking his flock for a walk;
An auto whizzed by
But Gawk wouldn’t fly,
And so naught was left but the squawk.
* * * * *
Belinda was building the fire,
She knew the results might be dire,
But to shorten her toil
She poured on some oil—
And speedily winged her way higher.
* * * * *
There was a young dude from the city
Who tho’t he espied a nice kitty,
Her back he did pat,
Saying, good Kitty Cat—
They buried his clothes—what a pity!
* * * * *
There was a young man at St. Kitts
Who was very much troubled with fits.
The eclipse of the moon
Threw him into a swoon,
When he tumbled and broke into bits.
* * * * *
There was a young lady, quite rich,
Who heard funny noises, at which
She took off her hat
And found that her rat
Had fallen asleep at the switch.
* * * * *
There once was a girl of New York
Whose body was lighter than cork
She had to be fed
For six weeks upon lead,
Before she went out for a walk.
* * * * *
There once was a man with a beard
Who said, It is just as I feared!
Two owls and a hen,
Four larks and a wren
Have all built their nests in my beard!
* * * * *
There once was an amorous Mr.
Who on meeting a girl always Kr.
But one night at the gate
He learned when too late
He’d been kissing the coachman’s black Sr.
* * * * *
They had cut off a Chinaman’s queue,
And were painting his head a bright blueue;
So the Chinaman said
As they daubed at his head;
When I sueue yueue, yueue’ll rueue what yueue dueue.
* * * * *
There was a Princess of Bengal
Whose mouth was exceedingly small;
She said, It would be
More easy for me
To do without eating at all!
* * * * *
A right-handed writer named Wright,
In writing “write” always wrote “rite.”
He meant to write “write,”
But he couldn’t write right—
Who started this darn thing, anyway?
* * * * *
There was a young lady of Boston
Whose manner had such a deep frost on.
She invariably froze
Every one of her beaux
When her high plane of thought they got lost on.
* * * * *
When you turn down your glass it’s a sign
That you’re not going to take any wign,
So turn down your plate
When they serve things you hate
And you’ll be asked out often to dign.
* * * * *
There was an old person of Ware
Who rode on the back of a bear.
When they said, Does it trot?
He said, Certainly not,
It’s a Moppsikon Floppsikon bear.
* * * * *
Nan’s father, who lived in Nantucket,
Kept all of his cash in a bucket.
But one day Miss Nan
Eloped with a man,
And as for the cash, why Nan tuck it!
* * * * *
There was an old man who said, Hush,
I perceive a young bird in this bush!
When they said, Is it small?
He replied, Not at all,
It is four times as big as the bush!
* * * * *
Every fighter in khaki or blue
Has a job he simply must do—
He must stand by the flag,
He must fight the red rag,
The Legion will see the job through!
* * * * *
There was a cowpuncher in Butte
Who immediately started to shutte,
When a girl who was brave
Said, Your pants need a shave,
Otherwise you look awfully cutte!
* * * * *
A cowboy with nothing to dioux
Just for practice tried roping poor Lioux,
It was excellent sport
But Siouxn after in court
He was siouxed for lassiouxing a Sioux!
* * * * *
A broken down tenor named Squires
Wrote thus to a half hundred choirs;
Have you place I could fill?
They replied “No,” but still
He inquires in choirs in quires.
* * * * *
There was a young lady named Jane
Who said to herself, I’m too plain.
I’m tired of duty,
Now I’ll seek beauty,
And beat Father Time at his game.
* * * * *
There was a dear lady of Eden
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’.
She gave one to Adam
Who said, Thank you madam,
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
* * * * *
Said the stuttering baritone Gantz
When asked by the chorister Rantz,
If it was his desire
To sing in the choir,
I’d j-j-j-jump at the chants!
* * * * *
A lady as proud as old Lucifer
Is tired of her husband’s abucifer.
She says she will see
If she ever gets free
Love doesn’t again make a gucifer.
* * * * *
When Adam in bliss
Asked Eve for a kiss,
She puckered her lips with a coo,
Gave look so ecstatic,
And answered emphatic,
I don’t care A-dam if I do.
* * * * *
She frowned on him and called him Mr.
Because in fun he’d merely Kr.
And then for spite
The foll’wing nite
This naughty Mr. Kr. Sr.
* * * * *
There was a young lady named Stella,
Whose beau was a bow-legged fella.
When he asked her to sit
In his lap, why she lit
On his soft corn, then how he did bella.
* * * * *
Professor M’Dome of Saint Clair
In five hours tracked a bear to his lair.
Mr. Bear was at home
And Professor M’Dome
Spent five minutes returning from there.
* * * * *
I am so poor
I can’t insure,
He said, then died—(damnation!)
His widow sighed,
Became a bride
And thus escaped starvation.
* * * * *
For beauty I am not a star,
There are others more handsome by far.
By my face I don’t mind it,
For I am behind it,
It’s the people in front that I jar.
* * * * *
Dickery Dickery Doc,
With patients lined up a block
With fits and conniptions
They wait for prescriptions
Liquor me, liquor me, Doc.
* * * * *
Any girl can be gay
In a classy coupe,
In a taxi they all can be jolly
But the girl worth while
Is the girl who can smile
When you’re bringing her home on the trolley.
* * * * *
[Illustration]
A sporty old chink named Wun Won
Sat up playing fan tan for mon,
At two he’d lost ten
But he stuck to it—then
Wun Won won one-one at 1:01.
* * * * *
There once was a maiden of Siam
Who said to her lover, young Kiam,
If you kiss me, of course
You will have to use force,
But I’ll wager you’re stronger than I am.