* * * * *
Smith—Well, but if you can’t bear her, whatever made you propose?
Jones—Well, we had danced three times, and I couldn’t think of anything
else to say.
* * * * *
Francis Wilson tells an anecdote of Mark Twain’s aversion to barbers. It
appears that a barber having kept Mr. Clemens in the chair for more than
the usual period at length finished shaving him and said, Shall I go over
it again?
No, drawled Mark, I heard every damned word of it.
* * * * *
You might as well admit your guilt, said the detective. The man whose
house you broke into positively identifies you as the burglar.
That’s funny, said the burglar.
What’s funny? asked the detective.
How could he identify me when he had his head under the bedclothes all
the time I was in his room?
* * * * *
Mark Twain once addressed an audience in the interest of his fellow
townsman, General Joseph Hawley, who was a candidate for re-election
to the United States Senate, and said, in the course of a droll
address—General Hawley deserves your support, although he has about as
much influence in purifying the Senate as a bunch of flowers would have
in sweetening a glue factory. But he’s all right; he never would turn
any poor beggar away from his door empty handed. He always gives them
something—almost without exception a letter of introduction to me, urging
me to help them.
* * * * *
Wallingford is entertaining a number of men at the hotel who have
invested several thousands of dollars in his wildcat scheme. A newspaper
man comes in and asks him:
Is this a surprise party, Mr. Wallingford?
No, but it will be later on.
* * * * *
On a suburban trolley car the other day a man got on who was badly under
the influence of liquor. He got a seat and made himself quite offensive
to an old lady who sat near him. When the conductor came around for his
fare this old lady jumped up and said:
Conductor, do you allow drunken people on this car?
No, madam, replied the conductor, but sit down and nobody will notice you.
* * * * *
A good story is told of the troubles of an engaged couple. Not long ago
there was a quarrel between the two which resulted in their not speaking
to each other; but it became necessary, by reason of certain business
questions, for the young man to call on her father at the house.
To the embarrassment of the lover the door was answered by the fair girl
herself. Although the young man afterward confessed, his heart beat
rapidly at the sight of his beloved, he managed to effect an air of
indifference and coldness, and to ask:
Does Mr. Cash live here?
He does, was the frigid reply.
Is he at home?
He is not.
Then turning to go, the young man added:
Thank you, I shall call again. But the girl was equal to the occasion.
Pardon me, said she, in the same cool tone, but whom shall I say called?
* * * * *
You have a model husband, said the lady who was congratulating the bride.
The next day the bride bethought her to look up the word “model” in the
dictionary, and this is what she found: MODEL—A small imitation of the
real thing.
* * * * *
A man whose business troubled him greatly was advised to advertise for
an Official Worrier. He did so, and among the applicants was a strong,
serious, impressive man.
Are you prepared, asked the business man, to take over the burdens of the
business?