_Sheared Cream
o’ Wit_
_A Classified Compilation of the Best
WIT and HUMOR_
_By
CARL J. MITTLER
Louisville, Ky._
COPYRIGHT 1923
BY
CARL J. MITTLER
_This little anthology is lovingly dedicated to Miss Jennie C. Benedict
and Miss Salome E. Kerr, with respect and admiration._
_By the Way_
_My Dear Mr. Mittler_:
_The old adage “what is one man’s laughter may be another man’s dirge” is
not inapplicable to the selections of wit and humor in your book._
_Please let me “dib” this one suggestion,_
_Gulping rich food brings on indigestion,_
_Homeopath these rescued treasures,_
_Little at a time conserves the pleasures._
_Good luck to “Sheared Cream o’ Wit”._
AUGUSTUS E. WILLSON
_Foreword_
The rare gift of originality is denied most of us, but a measure of
compensation rests in the gift of appreciation which has been so freely
bestowed, in some degree at least, upon nearly every one of the human
race. As one who enjoys this blessing, the compiler of this little volume
has counted it a labor of love, and hence a delight, to gather together
during a period of forty years choice bits of humor and quaint verse, for
his own amusement and the delectation of an inner circle of friends.
The growth of this collection, together with the care used in selection,
seems now to warrant its stepping into a wider field. The same
recognition of the finer things of wit and pathos which led to these
gleanings will be met in other hearts and the smile of kindred spirits
will broaden as this little book makes its new friends. Under the
evening lamp, the family circle may have many a hearty laugh together;
in the office or train, the tired business man may ease the strain of
concentration; in the hospitals, weary convalescents may cheer the hours
of waiting; the after-dinner speaker may find here some worth-while “I am
reminded” stories; far and wide are scattered the multitudes of those who
will welcome the coming of one whose mission it is to “scatter sunshine”
along life’s weary way.
The gems contained in these pages have been gathered from the _New
York Graphic_, _Texas Siftings_, _Ram’s Horn_, _Life_, _Paris Figaro_,
_Punch_, _London Tit Bits_, _Literary Digest_, _Ladies Home Journal_,
_Fliegende Blätter_, and from daily papers, living and dead. To all of
these, due acknowledgment is made and confidence is expressed that one
and all will endorse the propaganda for the spread of the gospel of
laughter.
All of the foregoing is set down to emphasize the simple truth that I
shall regard my labor as well rewarded, if a bit of new joy, a ray of new
brightness, may enter the life of some one who needs it today.
_Carl J. Mittler._
_Random Smiles_
Motto for young lovers: Sofa and no father.
* * * * *
I would like some powder, please, said the young miss to the drugstore
clerk.
Yes, miss. Face, gun or bug?
* * * * *
Diner (Scanning menu)—Have you frog legs?
Waitress—Oh, no sir! I walk this way on account of rheumatism.
* * * * *
The new long skirts may make the women appear taller, but there is no
denying that the short skirts make the men look longer.
* * * * *
Village Constable (to villager who has been knocked down by passing
motorist): You didn’t see the number, but could you swear to the man?
Villager: I did, but I don’t think ’e ’eard me.
* * * * *
Messenger boy, with a telegram for Mr. Jenkins, rings the bell at
half-past one in the morning: Does Mr. Jenkins live here—
Feminine voice from upstairs, wearily: Yes; bring him in.
* * * * *
Uncle Sam’s worries (Stevenson Americanized):
There’s so much blues in the East of U. S.
And so much booze in the West of U. S.
That it ill behooves any of U. S.
To say what it thinks of the rest of U. S.
* * * * *
He—I feel like thirty cents.
She—How things have gone up since the war.
* * * * *
Paw, said Tommy Tucker, am I descended from the monkey? Not on my side of
the house, replied Mr. Tucker, with much positiveness.
* * * * *
A Reformer would change the name of Hollywood to Follywood.
The Hellywood.
* * * * *
Farmer—See here, young feller, what are you doing up that tree?
Boy—One of your apples fell down and I’m trying to put it back.
* * * * *
A Yorkshireman recently entered an auction mart. Looking around and
catching the auctioneer’s eye during a lull in the bidding, he shouted
loudly enough to be heard by all: May I bid, sir?
Certainly, said the man of the hammer, thinking him a customer.
All eyes being turned on the questioner, he, making for the door, said:
Well, I’ll bid you good-night, then.
The laughter which followed stopped business for some time.
* * * * *
In the sweet silence of the twilight they honey-spooned upon the beach.
Dearest, she murmured, trembling, now that we are married, I—I have a
secret to tell you!
What is it sweetheart? he asked softly.
Can you ever forgive me for deceiving you? she sobbed. My—my left eye is
made of glass!
Never mind, lovebird, he whispered, gently; so are the diamonds in your
engagement ring!
* * * * *
Mrs. Smith presented her husband with triplets, and two weeks later she
had twins.
How come?
One of the triplets died.
* * * * *
An inebriated husband, who has returned after a night out, bringing with
him nothing but a charlotte russe, finds his wife very angry. I sent
you for fish last night and here you have come home with nothing but a
charlotte russe.
Husband (startled)—Did she come all the way home with me?
* * * * *
An advertisement appeared in a newspaper lately praising a new make of
infant’s feeding bottle. Here is the advice it gave relative to its use:
When the infant is done drinking, it must be unscrewed and put in cold
place under a tap. If the baby does not thrive on raw milk, it should be
boiled.
* * * * *
Jenkins’ mother-in-law was buried one day last week. Jenkins was visibly
affected as he followed the hearse.
Bear up, sir, said the undertaker. Don’t cry.
I can’t help it, sighed poor Jenkins. Poor woman! Do you know this is the
very first time we have been out together without quarreling?
* * * * *
The stingiest man was scoring the hired man for his extravagance in
wanting to carry a lantern in going to call on his best girl.
The idea! he scoffed. When I was courtin’ I never carried no lantern; I
went in the dark.
The hired man proceeded to fill the lantern.
Yes, he said sadly, and look what you got.
* * * * *
Collector—When can you pay this bill?
Business Manager—See the puzzle editor.
* * * * *
Are you Hungary, Frances?
Yes, Siam.
Well, Russia long and I’ll Fiji.
* * * * *
She—John, do you think that this hat is becoming to me?
He—I expect so, for the bill will be coming to me.
* * * * *
Mrs. Wade Parker—Do you take a Sunday paper?
Mrs. Glen Villers—We do if we get up before our next-door neighbors.
* * * * *
A young lady was caressing a pretty spaniel, and murmuring, I do love a
nice dog! Ah! sighed a dandy, standing near; I would I were a dog. Never
mind, retorted the young lady, sharply, you’ll grow!
* * * * *
Mrs. Knicker—Weren’t you frightened when the bull bellowed at you on
account of your new dress?
Mrs. Bocker—No, it was exactly the same way Henry behaved when he got the
bill.
* * * * *
English specimen (with monocle)—Aw—do you serve lobstahs here?
Boston waiter—We make no unnecessary inquiries concerning our customers,
sir.
* * * * *
This is from a retail grocer, found (not the grocer) in a basket of
Florida beans—
Dearest Sweet Pea—Do you carrot all for me? My heart beets for you. With
your radish hair and turnip nose, you are the apple of my eye. Give me
a date, if we cantaloupe. Lettuce marry anyway. I know we would make a
happy pear.
* * * * *
Yes, dear, I was married last month. I’d like you to call on me and see
the pretty little flat I have.
I’ve seen him, my dear.
* * * * *
What is the difference between a rooster, a soldier, and a vamp?
The rooster says, Cock a doodle do.
The soldier says, Yankee doodle do.
And the vamp says, Any dude’ll do.
* * * * *