THACKERAY'S RESEARCHES AMONGST THE WRITINGS OF THE EARLY
ESSAYISTS--_Continued._
Characteristic passages from the Works of Humorous Writers of the
'Era of the Georges,' from Thackeray's Library, illustrated with
original Marginal Sketches by the Author's hand -- THE
'HUMOURIST,' 1724 -- Extracts and Pencillings.
THE 'HUMOURIST.'
BEING ESSAYS UPON SEVERAL SUBJECTS: 'DEDICATED TO THE MAN IN THE
MOON.'
LONDON, 1724-5.
OF NEWS-WRITERS.[23]
Quo virtus tua te vocat, i pede fausto.--_Hor. Ep._ II. l. 2.
'As to the filling the paper with trifles and things of no
significancy, the instances of it are obvious and numerous. The French
king's losing a rotten tooth, and the surgeon's fee thereupon; a
duke's taking physic, and a magistrate's swearing a small oath, and a
poor thief's ravishing a knapsack, have all, in their turns, furnished
out deep matter for wit and eloquence to these vigilant writers, who
hawk for adventures. A man of quality cannot steal out of town for a
day or two, or return to it, without the attendance of a coach and six
horses, and a news-writer, who makes the important secret the burden
of his paper next day. I have observed, that if a man be but great or
rich, the most wretched occasion entitles him to fill a long paragraph
in print; the cutting of his corns for the purpose, or his playing at
ombre, never fails to merit publication. Now, if my _most diligent_
brother-writers, who are spies upon the actions and cabinets of the
great, would go a little farther, and tell us when his grace or his
lordship broke his custom by keeping his word, or said a witty thing,
or did a generous one, we will freely own they tell us some news, and
will thank them for our pleasure and our surprise.
[Illustration]
'It is with concern, I see, that even the privacies of the poor ladies
cannot escape the eyes of these public searchers. How many great
ladies do they bring to bed every day of their lives! for poor madam
no sooner begins to make faces, and utter the least groan, but
instantly an author stands with his pen in his teeth, ready to hold
her back, and to tell the town whether the baby is boy or girl, before
the midwife has pulled off her spectacles, and described its _nose_.'
OF A COUNTRY ENTERTAINMENT.
'I am led by the regard which I bear to the ladies and the Christmas
holidays to divert my readers with the history of an entertainment,
where I made one at the house of a country squire.
'When I went in I found the dining-room full of ladies, to whom I made
a profound bow, and was repaid by a whole circle of curtsies. While I
was meditating, with my eyes fixed upon the fire, what I had best say,
I could hear one of them whisper to another, "I believe he thinks we
smoke tobacco;" for, my reader must know, I had omitted the country
fashion, and not kissed one of them.
'At dinner we had many excuses from the lady of the house for _our
indifferent fare_, and she had as many declarations from us, her
guests, that _all was very good_. And the squire gave us the history
and extraction of every fowl that came to the table. He assured us
that his poultry had neither kindred nor allies anywhere on this side
of the Channel.
[Illustration]
'As soon as we were risen from the table, our great parliament of
females presently resolved themselves into committees of twos and
threes all over the dining-room, and I perceived that every party was
engaged in talking scandal.
'The ladies then went into one parlour to their tea, and we men into
another to our bottle, over which I was entertained with many
ingenious remarks on the price of barley, on dairies and the
sheepfold. But as the most engaging conversation is, when too long,
sometimes cloying, having smoked my pipe in due silence and attention,
I took a trip to the ladies, who had sent to know whether I would
drink some tea. When I made my entrance, the topic they were on was
religion, in their statements about which they were terribly divided,
and debated with such agitation and fervour, that I grew in pain for
the china cups.
'But they happily departed from this warm point, and unanimously fell
backbiting their neighbours, which instantly qualified all their heat
and heartily reconciled them to one another, insomuch that all the
time the business of scandal was handling there was not one dissenting
voice to be heard in the whole assembly.
'By this time the music was come, and happy was the woman that could
first wipe her mouth and be soonest upon her legs. In the dance some
moved very becomingly, but the majority made such a rattle on the
boards as quite drowned the music. This made me call to mind your
mettlesome horses, that dance on a pavement to the music of their own
heels.
[Illustration]
'We had among us the squire's eldest son, a batchelor and captain of
the militia. This honest gentleman, believing, as one would imagine,
that good humour and wit consisted in activity of body and thickness
of bone, was resolved to be very witty, that is to say, very strong;
he therefore not only threw down most of the women, and with abundance
of wit hauled them round the room, but gave us several farther proofs
of the sprightliness of his genius, by a great many leaps he made
about a yard high, always remembering to fall on somebody's toes. This
ingenious fancy was applauded by everyone, except the person who felt
it, who never happened to have complaisance enough to fall in with the
general laugh that was raised on that occasion. For my own part, who
am an occasional conformist to common custom, I was ashamed to be
singular, so I even extended my mouth into a smile, and put my face
into a laughing posture too. His mother, observing me to look pleased
with her son's activity and gay deportment, told me in my ear, "_he
was never worse company than I saw him_." To which I answered, "_I
vow, madam, I believe you_."'
OF THE SPLEEN.
'In constitutions where this humorous distemper prevails, it is
surprising how trifling a matter will inflame it.
'I shall never forget an ingenious doctor of physick, who was so
jealous of the honour of his whiskers, which he was pleased to
christen "the emblems of his virility," that he resolutely made the
sun shine through every unhappy cat that ill-fate threw in his way. He
magnanimously professed that his spirit could not brook it, that any
cat in Christendom, noble or ignoble, should rival the reputation of
his upper lip. In every other respect our physician was a well-bred
person, and, which is as wonderful, understood Latin. But we see the
deepest learning is no charm against the spleen.'
[Illustration]
OF GHOSTS.
'All sorts of people, when they get together, will find something to
talk of. News, politics, and stocks comprise the conversation of the
busy and trading world. Rakes and men of pleasure fight duels with men
they never spoke to, and betray women they never saw, and do twenty
fine feats over their cups which they never do anywhere else. And
children, servants, and old women, and others of the same size of
understanding, please and terrify themselves and one another with
spirits and goblins. In this case a ghost is no more than a help to
discourse.
'A late very pious but very credulous bishop was relating a strange
story of a demon, that haunted a girl in Lothbury, to a company of
gentlemen in the City, when one of them told his lordship the
following adventure:--
[Illustration]
'"As I was one night reading in bed, as my custom is, and all my
family were at rest, I heard a foot deliberately ascending the stairs,
and as it came nearer I heard something breathe. While I was musing
what it should be, three hollow knocks at my door made me ask who was
there, and instantly the door blew open." "Ah! sir, and pray what did
you see?" "My lord, I'll tell you. A tall thin figure stood before me,
with withered hair, and an earthly aspect; he was covered with a long
sooty garment, that descended to his ankles, and his waist was clasped
close within a broad leathern girdle. In one hand he held a black
staff taller than himself, and in the other a round body of pale
light, which shone feebly every way." "That's remarkable! pray, sir,
go on." "It beckoned to me, and I followed it down stairs, and there
it pointed to the door, and then left me, and made a hideous noise in
the street." "This is really odd and surprising; but, pray now, did it
give you no notice what it might particularly seek or aim at?" "Yes,
my lord, it was the watchman, who came to show me that my servants had
left all my doors open."'
OF KEEPING THE COMMANDMENTS.
'I have been humbly of opinion for many years that the keeping of the
Ten Commandments was a matter not altogether unworthy of our
consideration and practice; and though I am of the same sentiments
still, yet I dare hardly publish them, knowing that if I am against
the world, the world will be against me. I must not affront modern
politeness and the common mode.
'Who would have the boldness to mention the first commandment to
Matilda, when he has seen her curt'sying to herself in the glass, and
kissing her lap-dog, and worshipping these two _divine creatures_ from
morning till night? Nor is Matilda without other deities; she has
several sets of china, a diamond necklace, and a grey monkey; and, in
spite of her parents and her reason, she is guilty of will-worship to
Dick Noodle. But this last is no wonder at all, for Dick wears fine
brocade waistcoats and the best Mechlin, and no man of the age picks
his teeth with greater elegance.
[Illustration]
'And would it not be equally bold and barbarous to enslave a beau or a
bully with the tyranny of the third commandment? when it's well known
that these worthy gentlemen and brothers in understanding and courage
must either be dumb or damning themselves; and, therefore, to stop
their swearing would be to stop their breath, and gag them to all
eternity. Beau Wittol courts Arabella with great success, and it is
not doubted he will carry her, though he was never heard to make any
other speech or compliment to her than that of "Demme, madam!" after
which he squeezes her hand, takes snuff, and grins in her face with
wonderful wit and gaiety. Arabella smiles, and owns with her eyes her
admiration of these _accomplishments of a fine gentleman_.'
OF FLATTERY.
'Flattery _is the art of selling wind for a round sum of ready money_.
A sycophant blows up the mind of his unhappy patient into a tympany,
and then, like other physicians, receives a fee for his poison. It is
his business to instruct men to mistake themselves at a great expense;
to shut their eyes, and then pay for being blind. Thus the end of
excelling in any art or profession is to have that excellence known
and admired.
'Sing-song Nero, an ancestor of Mr. Tom d'Urfey, would, probably,
never have banished the sceptre and adopted the fiddle, but that he
found it much easier for his talents to scrape than to govern. In this
reign, he that had a musical ear, or could twist a catgut, was made a
man; and the fiddlers ruled the Roman empire by the singular merit of
condescending to be viler thrummers than the emperor himself. He who
at that time could but _wonder greatly_, and _gape artfully_ at his
Majesty's _royal skill_ in crowding, might be governor of a province,
or Lord High Treasurer, or what else he pleased.
[Illustration]
'This imperial piper used to go the circuit, and call the provinces
together, to be refreshed with a tune upon the fiddle, and if they had
the policy to smother a laugh, and raise an outrageous clap, their
taxes were paid, and they had whatever they asked; and so miserably
was this monarch and madman bewitched by himself and his sycophants
with the character of a victorious fiddler, that when he was abandoned
by God and man, and, as an enemy to mankind, sentenced to be whipped
to death, he did not grieve so much for the loss of his empire as the
loss of his fiddle. When he had no mortal left to flatter him, he
flattered himself, and his last words were, "_Qualis Artifex
pereo!_--What a brave scraper is lost in me!" And then he buried a
knife in his inside, and made his death the best action of his life!'
OF RETIREMENT.
'To be absolute master of one's own time and actions is an instance of
liberty which is not found but in solitude. A man that lives in a
crowd is a slave, even though all that are about him fawn upon him and
give him the upper-hand. They call him master, or lord, and treat him
as such; but as they hinder him from doing what he otherwise would,
the title and homage which they pay him is flattery and
contradiction.[24]
[Illustration]
'I ever loved retirement, and detested crowds; I would rather pass an
afternoon amongst a herd of deer, than half an hour at a coronation;
and sooner eat a piece of apple-pie in a cottage, than dine with a
judge on the circuit. To lodge a night by myself in a cave would not
grieve me so much as living half a day in a fair. It will look a
little odd when I own that I have missed many a good sermon for no
other reason but that many others were to hear it as well as myself.
I have neither disliked the man, nor his principles, nor his
congregation, singly; but altogether I could not abide them.
'I am, therefore, exceedingly happy in the solitude which I am now
enjoying. I frequently stand under a tree, and with great humanity
pity one half of the world, and with equal contempt laugh at the other
half. I shun the company of men, and seek that of oxen, and sheep, and
deer, and bushes; and when I can hide myself for the moiety of a day
from the sight of every creature but those that are dumb, I consider
myself as monarch of all that I see or tread upon, and fancy that
Nature smiles and the sun shines for my sake only.
'My eyes at those seasons are the seat of pleasure, and I do not
interrupt their ranging by the impertinence of memory, or solicitude
of any kind. I neither look a day forward nor a day backward, but
voluptuously enjoy the present moment. My mind follows my senses, and
refuses all images which these do not then present.'
OF BUBBLES.
'The world has often been ruled by men who were themselves ruled by
the worst qualities and most sordid views. The _prince_, says a great
French politician, _governs the people, and interest governs the
prince_.
'Hence it comes to pass, that few men care how they rise in the world,
so they do but rise. They know that success expiates all rogueries,
and never misses reverence; and that he who was called villain or
murderer in the race, is often christened saint or hero at the goal.
'The present possession of money or power is always a ready patent for
respect and submission. He that gets a hundred thousand pounds by a
bubble--that is, by selling a bag of wind to his credulous
countrymen--is a greater idol in every coffee-house in town than he
who is worth but ninety thousand, though acquired by honest trading or
ingenious arts, which profit mankind, and bring credit to his country;
and thus every South Sea cub shall, by the sole merit of his million,
vie for respect and followers with any lord in the land, though it
should strangely happen, as it sometimes does, that his lordship's
virtues and parts ennoble his title and quality. It matters not
whether your father was a tinker, and you, his worthy son, a broker or
a sharper, provided you be but a South Sea man. If you are but that,
the whole earth is your humble servant.
'At present, nothing farther is necessary towards getting an
estate--that is, merit and respect--than a little money, much roguery,
and many lies. With what indignation have I beheld a peer of the realm
courting the good graces of a little haberdasher with great cash, and
begging a few shares in a bubble which the honourable Goodman Bever
had just then invented to cheat his fellow-citizens!
'But exalted boobies being below satire, I shall here only consider a
little the mischiefs brought upon the public by the projects which
bring them their wealth. It is melancholy to consider that power
follows property, when we consider at the same time into what vile
hands the property is fallen, and by what vile means, even by bubbles
and direct cheating.
[Illustration]
'Of our second-hand bubbles, I blame not one more than another; their
name shows their nature. The "Great Bubble" of all set them an
example, and began first. By it immense fortunes have been got to
particular men, most of them obscure and unheard of; happy for their
own characters, and for the nation's trade, if they had still remained
so. I hope our all is not yet at the mercy of sharpers, ignorant,
mercenary sharpers; but I should be glad to see it proved that it will
not be so.'
OF TRAVELS.
'As every man is in his own opinion fit to come abroad in print, so
every occasion that can put him upon prating to mankind is sufficient
to put his pen running, provided he himself can hold the principal
character in his own book.
'Of all the several classes of scribblers, there is none more silly
than your authors of Travels. There are several things common to all
these travellers, and yet peculiar to every particular traveller. I
have at this time in my hands a little manuscript, entitled "Travels
from EXETER TO LONDON, with _proper observations_." By the sagacity
shown in the remarks, I take the author to be some polite squire of
Devon. In the following passages our traveller records his
observations in the great metropolis:--
'"In this great city people are quite another thing than what they are
out of it; insomuch, that he who will be very great with you in the
country, will scarce pull off his hat to you in London. I once dined
at Exeter with a couple of judges, and they talked to me _there_, and
drank my health, and we were very familiar together. So when I saw
them again passing through Westminster Hall, I was glad of it with all
my heart, and ran to them with a broad smile, to ask them how they
did, and to shake hands with them; but they looked at me so coldly and
so proudly as you cannot imagine, and did not seem to know me, at
which I was confounded, angry, and mad; but I kept my mind to myself.
[Illustration]
'"At another time I was at the playhouse (which is a rare place for
mirth, music, and dancing), and, being in the pit, saw in one of the
boxes a member of Parliament of our county, with whom I have been as
great as hand and glove; so being overjoyed to see him, I called to
him aloud by his name, and asked him how he did; but instead of
saluting me again, or making any manner of answer, he looked plaguy
sour, and never opened his mouth, though when he is in the country he
is as merry a grig as any in forty miles, and we have cracked many a
bottle together."'
OF EDUCATION.
'People, put by their education into a narrow track of thinking, are
as much afraid of getting out of it as children of quitting their
leading-strings when first they learn to go. They are taught a raging
fondness for a parcel of names that are never explained to them; and
an implacable fierceness against another set of names that are never
explained to them; so they jog on in the heavy steps of their
forefathers, or in the wretched and narrow paths of poor-spirited and
ignorant pedagogues. They believe they are certainly in the right, and
therefore never take the pains to find out that they are certainly in
the wrong.
'From this cause it comes to pass that many English gentlemen are as
much afraid of reading some English books as were the poor blind
Papists of reading books prohibited by their priests; which were,
indeed, all books that had either religion or sense in them.
'How nicely are those men taught who are taught prejudice! A tincture
of bigotry appears in all the actions of a bigot. He will neither,
with his good liking, eat or drink, or sleep or travel with you, till
he has received full conviction that you wash your hands and pare your
nails just as he does.
'Here is a squire come down from London who is very rich, and has
bought a world of land in our county of Wilts. The first thing he did
when he came among us was to declare that he would have no dealings
nor conversation with any Whig whatsoever; and, to make his word good,
having bespoke several beds and other furniture to a considerable
value of an upholsterer here, he returned the whole upon the poor
man's hands because his wife had a brother who was a Presbyterian
parson.
'But this worthy and ingenious squire was very well served by an
officer of the army at a horse race here. They were drinking, among
other company, the King's health, at the door of a public-house, on
horseback; the officer, when it came to his turn, drank it to this
Doughty Highflyer, who happened to be next to him, upon which he made
some difficulty at pledging it, suggesting that public healths should
not be proposed in mixed company. "You would say," says the officer,
"if you durst, that a High Churchman would not have his Majesty's
health proposed to him at all." Upon this he swore he was a High
Churchman, and was not ashamed of it. "So I guessed," said the
officer, "by your disloyalty." "But, Sir," says the officer, "even
disloyalty to your prince need not make you show your ill-breeding in
company." The squire chafed most violently at this, and urged, as a
proof of his good breeding, that he had been bred at Oxford. "So I
guessed," says the officer, "by your ignorance." This nettled the
squire to the height, and fired his little soul at the expense of the
outer case, for he proceeded to give ill words, and to call ill names;
but the officer quickly taught him, by the nose, to hold his tongue,
and ask pardon. Thus it always fares with the High Church in fighting
as it does in disputing: she is constantly beaten; and the courage and
understanding of her passive sons tally with each other.'
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
OF WOMEN.
'Some of my fair correspondents have lately reproached me with
negligence and indifference to their sex; but if they could know how
vain I am of so obliging a reprimand, they would be sensible, too, how
little I deserved it. I am not so entirely a statue as to be
insensible of the power of beauty, nor so absolutely a woman's
creature as to be blind to their little weaknesses, their pretty
follies and impertinences.
'It will be necessary to inform my readers that my landlady is an
eminent milliner, and a considerable dealer in Flanders lace. She is
one of those whom we call notable women; she has run through the rough
and smooth of life, has a very good plain sense of things, and knows
the world, as far as she is concerned in it, very well. I am very much
entertained by her company; her discourse is sure to be seasoned with
scandal, ancient and modern, which, though the morals and gravity of
my character do not allow me to join in, yet, such is the infirmity
of human nature, I find it impossible to be heartily displeased with
it as I ought.
[Illustration]
'If I come in at a time when the shop, which is commodiously situated
above stairs, is full of company, I usually place myself in an obscure
corner of it, and observe what passes with secret satisfaction. 'Tis
pleasant to hear my landlady, by the mere incessancy of tittle-tattle,
persuade her pretty customers out of all the understanding that they
brought along with them; and on the other side of the counter to see
the little bosoms pant with irresolution, and swell at the view of
trifles, which humour and custom have taught them to call necessary
and convenient. Hard by perhaps stands a customer of inferior quality,
a citizen's wife suppose her, who is reduced to the hard necessity of
regulating her expenses by her husband's allowance, and is bursting
with vexation to know herself stinted to lace of but fifty shillings a
yard; whereas if she could rise to three pounds, she might be mistress
of a very pretty head, and what she really thinks she need not be
ashamed to be seen in. But for want of this all goes wrong; she hates
her superiors, despises her husband, neglects her children, and is
ashamed and weary of herself.
[Illustration]
'This seems ridiculous to my men readers, and it certainly is so; but
are our follies and extravagances more reasonable? Or, rather, are
they not infinitely more dangerous and destructive? What violences do
we not commit upon our consciences for the mere gratification of our
avarice? How much of the real ease and happiness of life do we daily
sacrifice to the vanity of ambition? Is it possible, then, since even
the greatest men are but a bigger sort of children, to be seriously
angry that women are no more? If in my old age I am struck with the
harmony of a rattle, or long to get astride on a hobby-horse; if I
love still to be caressed and flattered, and am delighted with good
words and high titles, why should I be angry that my wife and
daughters do not play the philosopher, and have not more wit than
myself?
OF MASQUERADES.
'I must desire my reader, as he values his repose, not to let his
thoughts run upon anything loose or frightful for two hours at least
before he goes to bed. _Titus Livius_, the Roman historian, is my
usual entertainment, when I don't find myself disposed for closer
application. Happening to come home sooner than ordinary two nights
ago, I took it up, and read the 8th and following chapters of his 39th
book, where he gives us a large account of some nocturnal assemblies
lately set up at Rome; I think he calls them _Bacchanals_, and
describes the ceremonies, rites of initiation, and religious
practices, together with their music, singing, shrieks, and howlings.
The men were dressed like satyrs, and raved like persons distracted,
with enthusiastic motions of the head and violent distortions of the
body. The ladies ran with their hair about their ears and burning
torches in their hands; some covered with the skins of panthers,
others with those of tigers, all attended with drums and trumpets,
while they themselves were the most noisy. "To this diversion," says
the historian, "were added the pleasures of feasting and wine to draw
the more in; and when wine, the night, and a mixed company of men and
women, jumbled together, had extinguished all sense of shame, there
were extravagances of all sorts committed; each having that pleasure
ready prepared for him to which his nature was most inclined."
[Illustration]
''Tis with design I have referred my reader to the very place, being
resolved not to trouble him with any farther relation of these
midnight revellings, for fear I should draw him into the same
misfortune I unluckily fell under myself. The very idea of it makes
me tremble still, when I think of those monstrous habits, fantastical
gestures, hideous faces, and confused noises I had in my sleep. Join
to these the many assignations made for the next night, the signs
given for the present execution of former agreements; and the various
plots and contrivances I overheard, for parting man and wife, and
ruining whole families at once. These frightful appearances put me
into such uncommon agitations of body, and I looked so ghastly at my
first waking, that a friend of mine, who came early in the morning to
make me a visit, was struck with such a terror at the sight of me,
that he made to the street door as fast he could, where he had only
time to bid one of my servants run for a physician immediately, for he
was sure I was going mad.'
OF SEDITION.
'The multitude of papers is a complaint so common in the introduction
of every new one, that it would be a shame to repeat it; for my own
part, I am so far from repining at this evil, that I sincerely wish
there were ten times the number. By this means one may hope to see the
appetite for impertinence, defamation, and treason (so prevalent in
the generality of readers) at last surfeit itself, and my honoured
brethren the modern authors be obliged to employ themselves in some
more honest manufacture than that of the _Belles Lettres_.
[Illustration]
''Tis impossible for one who has the least knowledge and regard for
his country's interest to look into a coffee-house without the
greatest concern. Industry and application are the true and genuine
honour of a trading city; where these are everywhere visible all is
well. Whenever I see a false thirst for knowledge in my own
countrymen, I am sorry they ever learnt to read. I would not be
thought an enemy to literature (being, indeed, a very learned person
myself), but when I observe a worthy trader, without any natural
malice of his own, sucking in the poison of popularity, and boiling
with indignation against an administration which the pamphleteer
informs him is very corrupt, I am grieved that ever _Machiavel_,
_Hobbes_, _Sidney_, _Filmer_, and the more illustrious moderns,
including myself, appeared in human nature.
'Idleness is the parent of innumerable vices, and detraction is
generally the first, though not immediately the most mischievous, that
is born of it. The mind of man is of such an ill make that it relishes
defamation much better than applause; so every writer who makes his
court to the multitude must sacrifice his superiors to his patrons.
'That there is a very great and indefeasible authority in the people,
or Commons of Great Britain, everyone allows. Power is ever naturally
and rightfully founded in those who have anything to risk; and this
power delegated into the hands of Parliament, it there becomes legally
absolute, and the people are, by their very constitution, obliged to a
passive obedience.
[Illustration]
'Nothing is better known than this, nothing on all sides more
generally allowed, and one would imagine nothing could sooner silence
the clamour of little statesmen and politicians; that jargon of
public-spiritedness, which wastes so much of the time of the busy part
of our countrymen. The misfortune is that though everyone (who is not
indeed crack-brained with the love of his country) will own that the
populace, by having delegated the right of inspecting public affairs
to others, have no authority to be troublesome about it themselves,
yet everyone excepts himself from the multitude, and imagines that his
own particular talent for public business ought to exempt him from so
severe a restraint. Hence arises the great demand for newspapers and
coffee. Happy is it for the nation and for the Government that the
distemper and the medicine are found at the same place, and the
blue-apron officer who presents you with a newspaper, to heat the
brain and disturb the understanding, is ready the same moment to apply
those composing specificks, a dish and a pipe. Otherwise, what
revolutions and abdications might we not expect to see? I should not
be surprised to hear that a general officer in the trained-bands had
run stark staring mad out of a coffee-house at noon day, declared for
a Free Parliament, and proclaimed my Lord Mayor King of England.'
[Illustration]
FOOTNOTES:
[23] I have ever had a great respect for the most ingenious as well as
most populous society within the liberties, namely, the authors and
carvers of news, generous men! who daily retail their histories and
their parts by pennyworths, and lodge high, and study nightly for the
instruction of such as have the Christian charity to lay out a few
farthings for these their labours, which, like rain, descend from the
clouds for the benefit of the lower world.
My fellow authors are all men of martial spirits, and have an
ungovernable appetite for blood and mortality. As if they were the
sextons of the camp, and their papers the charnel-houses, they toll
thousands daily to their long home; a charitable office! but they are
paid for it.
[24] Nothing is so valuable as Time; and he who comes undesired to
help to pass it away, might with the same civility and good sense give
you to understand that he is come, out of pure love to you, with a
coach-and-six and all his family, to help you to pass away your
estate. To have one's hours and recesses at the mercy of visitants and
intruders is arrant thraldom; and though I am an author, I farther
declare I would rather pay a mere trifler half-a-crown a time than be
entertained with his visits and his compliments.