HIS MAJESTY IS INTERVIEWED
The next morning we were all seated around the breakfast table
laughing over our adventures of the evening before, when we had
visited the Earl's Court Exhibition together. We had been up in the
Great Wheel, and having passed through the pretty old English village
were walking around the artificial lake listening to the band playing
in their little pavilion on the island in the middle, when the
Doctor-in-Law declared that he heard a strange trumpeting sound, and
asked me what it could be. I had not heard it and so could not tell
him, and we were just discussing the matter when the Wallypug clutched
wildly at his crown, and turning around we saw a huge elephant lifting
it gracefully off his head with its trunk.
Directly his Majesty realized what it was, he gave a wild scream and
took to his heels, as did all the others, with the exception of the
Rhymester, who tripped against a stone and lay with his head buried in
his arms for some time, kicking and screaming for help.
Of course it was only the tame elephant that carries the children on
its back, but to the unaccustomed eyes of the Wallypug and his party
it seemed, so they told me afterwards, some strange and awful monster
ready to devour them.
As I said, we were laughing merrily over this adventure when the
postman arrived, and the Doctor-in-Law, without asking to be excused
from the table, rushed out to meet him, and returned a few minutes
later with his arms loaded with a number of little packages and one
rather large box, which had arrived by Carter Paterson.
"Dear me, what a lot of letters," remarked his Majesty.
"Yes. Wouldn't you like to know what they are all about, eh?" inquired
the Doctor-in-Law.
"Yes, I should," admitted the Wallypug; while the faces of the
others all expressed the same curiosity.
[Illustration: A STRANGE AND AWFUL MONSTER]
"Well, I'll tell you what I'll do," said the Doctor-in-Law. "If you'll
all pay me fourpence halfpenny each, I will let you open them and see
for yourselves."
There was a little grumbling at this, but eventually the money changed
hands, and, the breakfast things having been removed, the little
packages were opened with great eagerness.
Besides a printed circular, each one contained some little article--a
pencil case, a pen knife, a comb, a sample tin of knife polish, a card
of revolving collar studs, and so on.
"Ah!" remarked the Doctor-in-Law complacently as these articles
were spread about the table; "I told you that I expected to derive a
princely revenue from my correspondence, and now I will explain to you
how it is done. I observed a great number of advertisements in the
daily papers, stating that 'A handsome income could be earned without
the slightest trouble or inconvenience, and particulars would be
forwarded to any one sending six stamps and an addressed envelope';
so I sent off about twenty, and here is the result. I see by these
circulars that I have only to sell two hundred of these little pencil
cases at half-a-crown each in order to earn 1s. 6d. commission, and
for every dozen tins of knife polish I sell, I shall be paid 1-1/2d.,
besides being able to earn 6d. a thousand by addressing envelopes for
one firm, if I supply my own envelopes."
"What's in the big box?" inquired the Rhymester.
"A dittig bachede," replied A. Fish, Esq., who had been busily engaged
in opening it.
"A what?" exclaimed the others.
"A dittig bachede for dittig socks," repeated A. Fish, Esq.
"Oh yes, of course!" explained the Doctor-in-Law, "a knitting machine.
I was persuaded to buy it on the understanding that I was to have
constant work all the year round, and be paid so much per pair for
knitting socks with it. It's a most interesting and amusing
occupation, and, I'll tell you what, I don't mind letting any one of
you use the machine for sixpence an hour, if you find your own worsted
and give me the socks when they are finished. There now! nothing
could be fairer than that, could it?"
[Illustration: THE "DITTIG BACHEDE"]
And positively A. Fish, Esq., was so infatuated with the charms of the
"dittig bachede," as he called it, that he actually agreed to these
terms, and sent out for some worsted, and commenced "dittig" with
great enthusiasm. The Doctor-in-Law then set the Rhymester to work,
addressing the envelopes on the understanding that he was to share
the sixpence per thousand to be paid for them. And, having bothered
the Wallypug and myself into buying a pencil-case and a knife each, in
order to get rid of him, he started off to the kitchen to see if he
could do any business with Mrs. Putchy in the knife-polish or
black-lead line.
His Majesty and myself were just saying what an extraordinary little
man he was, when he burst in upon us again.
"Heard the news?" he inquired, his face beaming with importance.
"No. What is it?" inquired the others eagerly.
"Ah! wouldn't you like to know?" exclaimed the Doctor-in-Law. "How
much will you give me for telling you?"
"How much do you want?" asked the Rhymester dubiously.
"A penny each," was the reply.
"Come on then, let's have it," said the Rhymester, collecting the
pennies from the others and handing them to the Doctor-in-Law.
"Why--er--er--Queen Anne is dead, and the Dutch have taken
Holland--yah!" And the little man burst out laughing.
"Oh! I say, that's _too_ bad," grumbled the Wallypug. "Isn't it now?"
he cried, appealing to me.
"Well, really," I replied, "you shouldn't be so silly as to give him
money. You ought to know by this time what to expect from him."
"No, but truly," said the Doctor-in-Law, pulling a serious face, "I
_have_ got some news, the other was only my fun. A lady is going to
call on us at eleven, to interview the Wallypug. I had almost
forgotten it."
"A lady!" I exclaimed. "Whoever do you mean?"
"Oh, she's the Duchess of something. I forget her name," answered the
Doctor-in-Law nonchalantly. "She called the other day while you were
out, and explained that she was a contributor to one of the latest
society magazines, and was anxious to send an illustrated interview
with the Wallypug, to her paper; so--a-hem!--after we had come to
terms, I arranged for her to come to-day and see him. You had better
go and make yourself tidy, hadn't you?" he continued, turning to the
Wallypug.
"Well, really," I interposed, "I think you might have consulted his
Majesty first, before making these arrangements."
"Oh! do you?" said the Doctor-in-Law rudely. "Well, I don't see that
it's any business of yours, my good sir--so there!" and he bounced out
of the room again, rattling his sample tins.
It was nearly eleven then, and a few minutes afterwards a
beautifully-appointed carriage drew up to the door, and Mrs. Putchy
brought up a card inscribed:
[Illustration: _Her Grace the Duchess of Mortlake._]
and immediately ushered in a fashionably-dressed lady, who smilingly
offered me the tips of her fingers.
"Oh, _how_ do you do? You are the gentleman, I think, who is to
introduce me to his Majesty, are you not?"
"Well, really, your Grace, we have only just heard of the appointment,
but his Majesty the Wallypug will be very pleased to receive you I am
sure."
"And is that his Majesty at the other end of the room?" whispered the
Duchess. "Pray present me."
I made the necessary introduction, and the Duchess gave the regulation
Court 'dip,' which the Wallypug gravely imitated, and then in his
usual simple manner offered his hand with a smile.
[Illustration: IN THE MOST APPROVED FASHION]
Her Grace made a deep presentation curtsey and bowed over it in the
most approved fashion; but the Wallypug, evidently unused to being
treated with so much ceremony, withdrew it hastily and remarked
nervously but politely:
"Won't you take a seat, madam?"
"Say, 'Your Grace,'" I whispered.
"What for?" asked his Majesty blankly.
"Because this lady is a Duchess, and you must always say 'Your Grace'
when speaking to her," I replied.
"Oh!" said the Wallypug vaguely--then going up to the Duchess he
solemnly said, "I'm Grace."
"No, no!" I explained. "You don't understand me. I mean, when you
speak to this lady you must call her 'Your Grace.'"
"Dear me, how stupid of me, to be sure!" said his Majesty. "I
understand now. I beg your pardon. I meant to say, 'You are my Grace,'
madam," he continued, addressing himself to the Duchess.
Her Grace amiably laughed away this little mistake, and was soon busy
asking questions. The Wallypug, however, got very nervous, and made a
shocking lot of mistakes in his answers. He couldn't even say how old
he was.
"I know I've been in the family for years," he remarked, "and I fancy
I must have come over with William the Conqueror. Such a lot of people
did that, you know, and it's so respectable. I don't remember it, of
course; but then I've been told that I was born very young, and so
naturally I shouldn't do so."
"Does your Majesty remember any of the incidents of your early life?"
asked the Duchess.
"I was considered remarkably bald for my age as an infant," replied
the Wallypug simply. "And I believe I had several measles, and a mump
or two as a child. But I don't wish to boast about them," he added
modestly.
"Where were you educated, your Majesty?" was the next question.
"I wasn't," replied the Wallypug with a sigh.
"Does your Majesty mean that you received no education at all?" asked
the Duchess in surprise.
"Oh! I was taught reading, and writing, and arithmetic, and the use of
the globes, and Latin and Greek, and all that rubbish, of course,"
replied the Wallypug. "But I mean there were no Universities at Why,
where I could receive a higher education, and be taught cricket, and
football, and rowing, and all those classical things taught at Oxford
and Cambridge, you know. I was considered the best boy in my form at
marbles though," he added proudly. "And I could beat any of the
masters at Hop Scotch."
"What is your favourite diet, your Majesty?" came next.
"Oh! jumbles, I think--or bull's eyes. I'm very fond of hardbake too,
and I love cocoa-nut ice."
A few more questions such as these, and her Grace took her departure,
after taking several snap-shot photographs of various articles in the
drawing room.
I felt convinced that with such a scanty amount of information at her
disposal the Duchess would have great difficulty in writing an article
on the Wallypug, and was therefore the more surprised a few days later
to receive a copy of the magazine which her Grace represented, with a
long and particular account of the interview, under the heading of,
"'Why Wallypug and wherefore of Why?' by a Lady of Title." Into it her
Grace had introduced the most preposterous and extravagant statements
about his Majesty.
We learned with amazement that "The Wallypug came of a very ancient
family, and had early been distinguished for many remarkable
accomplishments. While at school his Majesty displayed such a natural
aptitude for learning as to readily out-distance his instructors."
"I suppose that's because I said I played Hop Scotch better than the
masters," commented his Majesty, to whom I was reading the account
aloud.
[Illustration: THE FAITHFUL HOUND]
Photographs of various articles in the drawing-room, which had no
connection whatever with the Wallypug, were reproduced with the most
extraordinary and absolutely untrue stories attached to them. Dick and
Mrs. Mehetable Murchison appeared as "The Wallypug's favourite cat and
dog," while pathetic stories were told of how the dog had on several
occasions saved his royal master from an untimely and watery grave,
while the cat had prevented him from being burned to death while
reading in bed by gently scratching his nose when he had fallen
asleep, and the candle had set fire to the bed curtains. Sensational
illustrations were also given depicting these incidents, which of
course were purely imaginary.
It was very remarkable to notice though, that directly the article of
the Duchess's appeared, invitations from all sorts of grand people
poured in upon us--and the daily papers suddenly woke up to the fact
that the Wallypug and his suite were very important personages, and
devoted whole columns to "Our Mysterious Foreign Guests," as they
called them.
[Illustration: THE SAGACIOUS PUSSY]
There was always more or less of a crowd outside the house now, and
when his Majesty drove in the Park, the people all stood up on the
little green seats to get a better view of him as he passed.