SUNDRY SMALL HAPPENINGS
Whatever could it all mean? The Doctor-in-Law stood on the steps,
calling out, "Walk up, walk up, ladies and gentlemen, and see the
Talking Fish," while large posters were pasted on the walls, bearing
the words, "Admission Sixpence" and "One day only."
The Commissionaire who usually stands at the door was looking very
surprised and angry, while the page boy was grinning all over his
face. Whatever was happening? I hastily paid the cabman, and followed
by the Wallypug made my way through the crowd to the entrance.
"Admission sixpence each," said the Doctor-in-Law, holding out his
hand.
[Illustration: "WALK UP, WALK UP, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN"]
"What do you mean?" I replied, "and what is all this crowd doing
here?"
"Admission sixpence each!" repeated the Doctor-in-Law stubbornly, not
taking the least notice of my questions, and holding his wand across
the doorway so that I could not get in.
"Nonsense!" I cried; "I'm not going to pay to go into my own house."
"Pay for the Wallypug then and I'll let you in free," said the little
man insinuatingly.
"I shall do nothing of the sort," I cried, pushing past him and
hurrying up the stairs.
To my surprise I found my rooms occupied by strangers. Sergeant
One-and-Nine was reciting some of the Rhymester's poems in the dining
room to three deaf old ladies, two of whom had ear trumpets, while A.
Fish, Esq., was holding a kind of _levee_ in my study, seated in a
chair placed on the writing table, and was surrounded by an admiring
crowd of people who were asking all sorts of questions.
Mrs. Putchy met me at the door.
"Oh, sir!" she exclaimed. "I'm so glad you've come home. I haven't
known what to do with all these people."
"But what does it all mean, Putchy?" I inquired. "What are they doing
here at all?"
"Why, you see, sir!" said Mrs. Putchy, "Mr. Doctor-in-Law found that
A. Fish, Esq., was attracting a good deal of attention out of doors,
and he thought that it would be a capital idea to have a kind of show
here and charge sixpence admission to see him; and if there's been
one, I'm sure there's been a hundred people up here this afternoon.
The remarks they've been making too, and the questions they've been
asking. Why, one old lady, sir, wanted to know how much you paid A.
Fish, Esq., a week, and if I was _quite_ sure that you gave him enough
to eat. They've broken three chairs too, and that little Venetian
glass vase that stood on the bracket in the corner. And just now I
caught some little boys tearing pictures out of one of those
illustrated books you brought home last week."
Here was a pretty state of affairs. The strangers had by this time
left A. Fish, Esq., and had collected around the poor Wallypug, who
had been waiting in his wet clothing in the hall, and I was obliged
to politely but firmly insist upon them at once leaving the house,
telling them that their money would be returned at the door.
"I should think so, indeed," said one angry-looking stout lady. "Why,
the whole thing is a fraud and you ought to be thoroughly ashamed of
yourself. Talking fish indeed! I don't believe he's a fish at all--at
any rate, not what I call a 'fish,'" and she flounced down the stairs
only to return a moment or two afterwards to say, "I thought you said
that we were to have our money back."
"So you are, madam," I replied.
"Well, why don't you see that we get it then? That man downstairs
refuses to give me any money. The whole thing is a swindle. But I
don't mean to be defrauded in this way, I can tell you."
I went downstairs and told the Doctor-in-Law that he must at once
return everyone their money, and this after a great deal of grumbling
he did, while the Commissionaire and the page boy tore down the
posters outside the door at my request.
I explained to the Doctor-in-Law that this sort of thing must not
occur again, and made him promise that he would never again use my
rooms as a place in which to hold a show.
I really felt rather annoyed about it, for I could not imagine
whatever the neighbours would think of me for permitting such a scene
to take place in my rooms, but it evidently was useless now to say
anything more about it.
The next morning, despite the wetting which the Wallypug had received
at the Round Pond, his thoughts still ran upon boating, and nothing
would satisfy his Majesty but that he should go for a row. I suggested
Richmond as the best place to start from, and so we drove over
Hammersmith Bridge and across Barnes Common.
Arrived at Richmond we had no difficulty in securing a nice boat.
"I'll row for one," said his Majesty.
"And I for another," said the Rhymester.
"Very well then," I replied. "Perhaps the Doctor-in-Law will steer,
and so we will manage very nicely."
Quite a large crowd had collected to see us start, and perhaps that is
what made the Wallypug so nervous; as it was, as soon as we pushed
off, his Majesty fell backwards with his feet sticking up above the
seat, while the Rhymester stuck one oar deep down into the water and
pulled it with all his might, while the other flourished about in the
air.
[Illustration: HIS MAJESTY FELL BACKWARDS]
The Doctor-in-Law's idea of steering consisted in pulling first one
string and then the other, and so we did not get along very well just
at first.
When the Wallypug had picked himself up from the bottom of the boat,
however, and the Rhymester and he made another attempt, I think we
should have got along fairly well if the Doctor-in-Law, in trying
to get out of the way of a passing boat, had not steered us into the
bank, where we stuck fast in the mud till someone on the footpath very
kindly pushed us off again. After that I thought it best to take the
oars myself, and his Majesty steered under my direction. In this way
we managed to get a little way past Teddington Lock by luncheon time,
and having found an _eyot_ with no one on it we went ashore and
unpacked the hamper of good things which we had brought with us.
It was a beautiful day, and I think that we all enjoyed the picnic
immensely. I know that I did for one, and so, I think, did his
Majesty, for after the meal he laid aside his crown and royal robes
and made himself comfortable on the grass under the trees, and looked
thoroughly happy with a big cigar in his mouth.
[Illustration: HIS MAJESTY ENJOYS HIMSELF]
A. Fish, Esq., busied himself in preparing notes for his lecture on
the "Perhapness of the Improbable," and the Doctor-in-Law, having
piled all the cushions in the boat at one end, threw himself upon them
and read the newspaper.
In this way the afternoon passed very comfortably, and the Rhymester,
after scribbling upon several pieces of paper, came and read to me a
poem which had been inspired by our beautiful surroundings; he called
it
SOUL YEARNINGS.
The water's as wet as wet can be,
And the trees, and the grass, are green,
While the little birds sing and the fishes swim;
'Tis a most delightful scene.
It makes me yearn for I don't know what,
To come from I don't know where,
And take me away to the thingummybob
And the what-you-may-call-'ems there;
and he told me that beautiful scenery always affected him in that way.
[Illustration: AN UNFORTUNATE VOLLEY]
It was now time for us to be thinking about getting back, especially
as I should have to do all of the rowing. So we got into the boat
again, and I rowed back as far as Twickenham, where we stopped at
Eel-pie Island to have some tea. While we were waiting for it to be
prepared, we began a game of tennis, but were obliged to leave off, as
an unfortunate volley of the Doctor-in-Law's caught the Wallypug on
the nose, and so his Majesty declined to play any more.
We persuaded him to join us at cricket, though, having found some
stumps and a bat and ball in an outhouse on the Island, and got on
very well for some time till, at a shout of "out, leg before wicket,"
the Wallypug (who had caught the ball very nicely on his shin) fell
forward on to the Doctor-in-Law, crushing his hat well over his eyes,
and ruffling his temper considerably.
[Illustration: "OUT"]
In fact, I was very glad that tea was announced just then, for I
feared that there was going to be a bother, and, as it was, the
Doctor-in-Law kept scowling at his Majesty very fiercely.
"I shall make him pay for it," declared the little man, and, during
tea, which we had at wicker tables by the river's edge, he was busy
making out an account, which later he handed with great solemnity to
the Wallypug. His Majesty apparently could not understand it, and
passed it on to me. On examination, I found it to be worded as
follows:
HIS MAJESTY THE WALLYPUG OF WHY,
In account with
THE DOCTOR-IN-LAW.
To damage of one hat, L0 7 6
" Physical injury, 0 2 0
" Moral deterioration, 15 6 9
---------
L22 17 8
" 3 per cent. discount for cash, 3 6 2
---------
L26 4 11
"What do you mean by moral deterioration?" demanded the Wallypug.
"Oh, I don't know. Same as other people do, I suppose," said the
Doctor-in-Law. "It's always charged now, I believe. I read something
about it in the papers this afternoon."
"But the addition is all wrong," I expostulated.
"No, it isn't," replied the Doctor-in-Law, rudely snatching the
document from me and putting it into his pocket-book, "and if it
is, it's nothing to do with you. I shall charge it in our expenses,
which the people of Why have undertaken to pay, so there." And the
avaricious little fellow ran off to the boat, which we afterwards
found he had been letting out on hire to small boys at a penny a
head.
The return journey was accomplished without any remarkable incidents,
and on reaching home I found a very pressing invitation from Girlie's
mother for the whole party to attend her "At Home" the next day.
It appears that this lady had called upon me while we were out, and
Mrs. Putchy had told her of the Wallypug's arrival.
His Majesty was good enough to say that he should be delighted to
accept, and so I wrote off at once to say that she might expect us.