The Hillsbury Company of the 2nd Battalion of the Lastshire Volunteers
were being inspected for efficiency by a Captain of the Grenadier
Guards, who had graciously come down and devoted his Sunday afternoon
to this purpose. Forty "A" men had obeyed their country's call and
turned up on parade, and among the officers was Alfred Herbert,
who was a second-lieutenant of the mature age of fifty. He was
enthusiastic, but a slow learner, always confusing himself and his
men. Still, he was obviously doing his best, and the men forgave him
and did _their_ best to cover up his faults.
"Mr. Herbert," said the inspecting officer sharply, "be good enough to
take the company out and move them about for a few minutes."
Herbert's heart began to beat at the double. He had known that this
ordeal might come, but he had hoped against hope that, if he made
himself small and meek, he would be overlooked. All was in vain; his
time had come. "Drill them as a company of two platoons," said the
stern Guardsman.
"Yes, Sir," said Herbert. "Shall I--"
"Take them out at once, Sir. We have no time to waste."
It was at this moment that Herbert's first dream, or I should rather
say the first phase of his treble dream, began. He dreamt that he
called the company to attention, caused them to slope arms, and moved
them to the right in fours.
So far so good.
Now they were in columns of fours and marching gaily.
"This is a good dream," thought Herbert. "I will get them into line.
On the right, form company!" he shouted at the top of his voice.
He had done it. He had got the rear rank in front, and this is
a terrible state of affairs, leading to the most frightful
complications--at any rate in the Lastshire Volunteers.
"Move to the right in fours!" he commanded; and then the trouble
began.
In less than half a minute, forty deserving men, including N.C.O.'s,
were tied up into a series of terrifically complicated knots, in the
midst of which the Company Sergeant-Major bobbed about, an angry cork
on a stormy ocean of desperate men.
"Very good, Mr. Herbert, oh, very good indeed," said the Inspecting
Officer.
At this point Herbert passed into his second phase and dreamed that
it was all a dream.
But the question remained: what was he to do?
"Double!" he shouted, and himself gave the example. And as he ran he
passed into his third phase and dreamed it was all true; and he woke
up with a start at the orderly room, and found that it _was_ true.
That very evening he resigned his commission, "owing," as he wrote,
"to an incurable habit of getting the rear rank in front."
What happened to the men I cannot say with certainty. I think they are
still struggling.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Physical Exercise Instructor_. "'ERE, YOU! WHAT THE
DEUCE ARE YOU LARFING AT?"
_Recruit_. "OH, SERGEANT, I--I WAS THINKING WHAT PRICELESS BALLY ASSES
WE MUST LOOK!"]
* * * * *