_Monday, December 3rd._--No further publicity is to be given to Lord
LANSDOWNE'S letter if the Government can help it. But the author is
not to be prosecuted and the rumour that Lansdowne House has been
raided by the police and its noble owner's type writer confiscated
lacks confirmation.
[Illustration: A STORY LACKING CONFIRMATION.]
A long and complicated answer by Mr. CLYNES, describing and defending
the new sugar-cards, was not altogether satisfying. Sir F. BANBURY'S
inquiry, "Does the hon. gentleman think that anybody will get any
sugar after this?" was prompted, no doubt, by anxiety for the future
of his famous cakes; but it expressed the general doubt.
Lord ROBERT CECIL, who has hitherto stoutly denied that the Allies
have given ex-KING CONSTANTINE a retiring allowance, admitted that
the Greek Government might make him some payment, and that the Allies
furnished Greece with money. In other words, Greece has given TINO a
penny to play in the next street, and the Allies have lent her the
penny.
Asked by Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT whether the labour expended on fitting
gas-bags to motor cars could not be more usefully employed, the
MINISTER OF NATIONAL SERVICE replied as follows: "The questions
involved in the use of gas-bags, _including that raised by the hon.
Member_, are being considered." And Mr. LAMBERT is now wondering
whether Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES intended to be personal.
_Tuesday, December 4th._--In answer to a question as to what steps the
Board of Agriculture was taking to replant districts denuded of trees,
Sir RICHARD WINFREY replied that "surplus nursery stock" would be
transplanted by "gangs of women." Evidently surprised by the laughter
which followed, he whispered to his neighbour, "Have I said anything
very funny?"
At the end of a long catechism by Mr. KING regarding the literature
issued by the War Aims Committee, Mr. OUTHWAITE inquired if it could
be sent to Members of the House. Major GUEST was quite ready to
oblige. In his opinion some Members, including Mr. OUTHWAITE himself,
would be much the better for its perusal.
Mr. PRATT is about the last Minister whom I should have suspected of
cynicism, but I have my doubts about him now. By his admission the
British Pharmacopoeia (war edition) contains "Glycerins devoid of
glycerin and syrups free from sugar." "But," he added, "it does not
materially lessen their value as medicines."
Upon the House being asked to recommit the Representation of the
People's Bill in respect of the provisions dealing with conscientious
objectors and redistribution in Ireland, Mr. REDMOND, naturally
anxious lest the House should imagine that Ireland's objection to
military service was conscientious, requested the SPEAKER to divide
the debate into water-tight compartments. No artificial restraints,
however, could keep Mr. HEALY within bounds. He ranged at large over
Irish history, and declared that the decision to impose on Ireland a
(more or less) equitable system of representation was an outrage only
to be compared with the breach of the Treaty of Limerick.
As a humourist on this occasion Mr. HEALY had to yield the palm to
a colleague. The CHIEF SECRETARY incidentally referred to the
arrangement that no contentious business should be taken during the
War. "Except by agreement," interjected Mr. NUGENT.
[Illustration: SUGARLESS BANBURY CAKES.]
_Wednesday, December 5th._--Not long ago Lord ROBERT CECIL referred to
a rumour that the German Government intended to encourage polygamy.
Mr. KING, shocked to discover that this charge rested upon a statement
in a neutral newspaper, protested against the practice of making
speeches "on such miserable foundations." As the bulk of the hon.
Member's own utterances have a similar basis the retort was almost too
obvious; and Mr. BALFOUR in making it must have felt as if he had shot
his bird sitting.
The courage of the hero who took up the challenge: "Whoever shall
these boots displace, must meet Bombastes face to face," was
comparatively nothing to that of Mr. H.W. FORSTER, who in the
interests of economy has promised to limit the height of women's
boots. There will be much stamping of lofty heels at this ukase. Sir
JOHN REES thought another order lengthening skirts was the logical
corollary, and so it is if the Government really want "to make both
ends meet." But Mr. FORSTER showed no disposition to embark upon
petticoat government.
Irish Nationalists worked themselves into seven different kinds
of fury over the decision of the Government to apply the rules of
arithmetic to the redistribution of seats in their beloved country.
Mr. DILLON threatened the House with the possibility that at the
next General Election he and his colleagues might be wiped out of
existence. Scared by this awful prospect so many Liberals voted
against the closure that the Government only escaped defeat by 29.
_Thursday, December 6th._--The prospect of an all-night sitting
rendered the House unusually irritable. Mr. HEALY fulminated at Sir
E. CARSON (who was not present) in language that reminded Colonel
SHARMAN-CRAWFORD of "a low police-court." Mr. DILLON'S high top note
was ceaselessly employed in emitting adjectives more remarkable,
as Mr. BONAR LAW icily observed, for their strength than for their
novelty. At one time it looked as if there was to be a first-class
Irish row. But wiser counsels ultimately prevailed. The House as a
whole was in no mood for protracted discussion in which non-Irish
moonlighters might participate.
At last there is hope that the instructions of the FOOD-CONTROLLER
will have some practical result. To-day in reply to a question Mr.
CLYNES said, "The order about to be issued will contain provisions
..." Ah! if it only will.
* * * * *
[Illustration: EVIDENCE.
_Officer_. "NOW, SERGEANT-MAJOR, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THIS MAN WAS
DRUNK?"
_Sergeant-Major_. "SIR, ON THE NIGHT OF THE 25TH, WHEN I MET THE
ACCUSED, 'E RAISED 'IS 'AT, ACCOMPANYING THE MOTION WITH THE WORDS,
'GOOD EVENIN', BLUE BEARD!'"]
* * * * *