Most sublime pacha, allow me first to observe, that, although I have
latterly adhered to my own opinions, I am not so intolerant as not to
permit the same licence to others: I do not mean to say that there are
not such things as facts in this world, nor to find fault with those who
believe in them. I am told that there are also such things as flying
dragons, griffins, and other wondrous animals, but surely it is quite
sufficient for me, or any one else, to believe that these animals exist,
when it may have been our fortune to see them; in the same manner, I am
willing to believe in a fact, when it is cleared from the mists of
doubt; but up to the present, I can safely say, that I seldom have
fallen in with a fact, unaccompanied by _doubts_, and every year adds to
my belief, that there are few genuine facts in existence. So interwoven
in my frame is doubt, that I sometimes am unwilling to admit, as a fact,
that I exist. I believe it to be the case, but I feel that I have no
right to assert it, until I know what death is, and may from thence draw
an inference, which may lead me to a just conclusion.
My name is Hudusi. Of my parents I can say little. My father asserted
that he was the bravest janissary in the sultan's employ, and had
greatly distinguished himself. He was always talking of Rustam, as
being a fool compared to him; of the number of battles he had fought,
and of the wounds which he had received in leading his corps on all
desperate occasions; but as my father often bathed before me, and the
only wound I could ever perceive was one in his rear, when he spoke of
his bravery, I _very much doubted the fact_.
My mother fondled and made much of me, declared that I was the image of
my father, a sweet pledge of their affections, a blessing sent by Heaven
upon their marriage; but, as my father's nose was aquiline, and mine is
a snub, or aquiline reversed; his mouth large, and mine small; his eyes
red and ferrety, and mine projecting; and, moreover, as she was a very
handsome woman, and used to pay frequent visits to the cave of a sainted
man in high repute, of whom I was the image, when she talked of the
janissary's paternity, I _very much doubted the fact_.
An old mollah taught me to read and write and repeat the verses of the
Koran--and I was as much advanced as any boy under his charge--but he
disliked me very much for reasons which I never could understand, and
was eternally giving me the slipper. He declared that I was a
reprobate, an unbeliever, a son of Jehanum, who would be impaled before
I was much older; but here I am, without a stake through my body at the
age of forty-five; and your highness must acknowledge that when he
railed all this in my ears, I was justified in _very much doubting the
fact_.
When I was grown up, my father wanted me to enrol myself in the corps of
janissaries, and become a lion-killer like himself; I remonstrated, but
in vain; he applied, and I was accepted, and received the mark on my
arm, which constituted me a janissary. I put on the dress, swaggered
and bullied with many other young men of my acquaintance, who were all
ready, as they swore, to eat their enemies alive, and who curled their
moustachios to prove the truth of what they said. We were despatched to
quell a rebellious pacha--we bore down upon his troops with a shout,
enough to frighten the devil, but the devil a bit were they frightened,
they stood their ground; and as they would not run, we did, leaving
those who were not so wise, to be cut to pieces. After this, when any
of my companions talked of their bravery, or my father declared that he
should be soon promoted to the rank of a spahi, and that I was a lion's
whelp, I _very much doubted the fact_.
The pacha held out much longer than was at first anticipated: indeed, so
long as to cause no little degree of anxiety in the capital. More
troops were despatched to subdue him; and success not attending our
efforts, the vizier, according to the custom, was under the disagreeable
necessity of parting with his head, which was demanded because we turned
tail. Indeed, it was to oblige us, that the sultan consented to deprive
himself of the services of a very able man; for we surrounded the
palace, and insisted that it was all his fault; but, considering our
behaviour in the field of battle, your highness must admit that there
was reason to _doubt the fact_.
We were again despatched against this rebellious pacha, who sate upon
the parapets of his strong-hold, paying down thirty sequins for the head
of every janissary brought to him by his own troops, and I am afraid a
great deal of money was spent in that way. We fell into an ambuscade,
and one half of the corps to which my father belonged were cut to
pieces, before we could receive any assistance. At last the enemy
retired. I looked for my father, and found him expiring; as before, he
had received a wound on the wrong side, a spear having transfixed him
between the shoulders. "Tell how I died like a brave man," said he,
"and tell your mother that I am gone to Paradise." From an intimate
knowledge of my honoured father's character, in the qualities of thief,
liar, and coward, although I promised to deliver the message, _I very
much doubted these facts_.
That your highness may understand how it was that I happened to be left
alone, and alive on the field of battle, I must inform you, that I
inherited a considerable portion of my father's courageous temper, and
not much liking the snapping of the pistols in my face, I had thrown
myself down on the ground, and had remained there very quietly
preferring to be trampled on, rather than interfere with what was going
on above.
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"By the sword of the Prophet! there is one fact--you were a very great
coward," observed the pacha.
"Among my other doubts, your highness, I certainly have some doubts as
to my bravery."
"By the beard of the pacha, I have no doubts on the subject," observed
Mustapha.
"Without attempting to defend my courage, may I observe to your
highness, that it was a matter of perfect indifference to me whether the
sultan or the pacha was victorious; and I did not much admire hard
blows, without having an opportunity of putting a few sequins in my
pocket. I never knew of any man, however brave he might be, who fought
for love of fighting, or amusement; we all are trying in this world to
get money; and that is, I believe, the secret spring of all our
actions?"
"Is that true, Mustapha?" inquired the pacha.
"May it please your sublime highness, if not the truth, it is not very
far from it. Proceed Hudusi."
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The ideas which I have ventured to express before your sublime highness,
were running in my mind, as I sat down among the dead and dying, and I
thought how much better off were the pacha's soldiers than those of our
sublime sultan, who had nothing but hard blows, while the pacha's
soldiers received thirty sequins for the head of every one of our corps
of janissaries; and one idea breeding another, I reflected that it would
be very prudent, now that the pacha appeared to be gaining the
advantage, to be on the right side. Having made up my mind upon this
point, it then occurred to me, that I might as well get a few sequins by
the exchange, and make my appearance before the pacha, with one or two
of the heads of the janissaries, who were lying close to me. I
therefore divested myself of whatever might give the idea of my
belonging to the corps, took off the heads and rifled the pockets of
three janissaries, and was about to depart, when I thought of my
honoured father, and turned back to take a last farewell. It was cruel
to part with a parent, and I could not make up my mind to part with him
altogether, so I added his head, and the contents of his sash, to those
of the other three, and smearing my face and person with blood, with my
scimitar in my hand, and the four heads tied up in a bundle, made my way
for the pacha's stronghold; but the skirmishing was still going on
outside of the walls, and I narrowly escaped a corps of janissaries, who
would have recognised me. As it was, two of them followed me as I made
for the gate of the fortress; and, encumbered as I was, I was forced to
turn at bay. No man fights better than he who finds himself hard
pressed; and even a man who otherwise would not fight at all, will fight
well, when he can't help it. I never was so brave in my life. I cut
down one, and the other ran away, and this in the presence of the pacha,
who was seated on the embrasure at the top of the wall; and thus I
gained my entrance into the fort. I hastened to the pacha's presence,
and laid at his feet the four heads. The pacha was so pleased at my
extraordinary valour, that he threw me a purse of five hundred pieces of
gold, and ordered me to be promoted, asking me to what division of his
troops I belonged. I replied, that I was a volunteer. I was made an
officer; and thus did I find myself a rich man and a man of consequence
by merely changing sides.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"That's not quite so uncommon a method of getting on in the world as you
may imagine," observed Mustapha, drily.
"Mustapha," said the pacha, almost gasping, "all these are words, wind--
bosh. By the fountains that play round the throne of Mahomet, but my
throat feels as hot and as dry with this fellow's doubts, as if it were
paved with live cinders. I doubt whether we shall be able ever to
moisten it again."
"That doubt your sublimity ought to resolve immediately. Hudusi,
Murakhas--my friend, you are dismissed."
Hardly had the doubter gathered up his slippers, and backed out from the
presence, when the pacha and his minister were, with an honest rivalry,
endeavouring to remove at once their doubts and their thirst; and were
so successful in their attempts, that they, in a short time, exchanged
their state of dubiety into a very happy one of ebriety.