_A man._--Here we arrive at something specific. "A two-legged animal,
who laughs." That definition excludes women, because they giggle, or
chuckle, or cachinnate. This expression is a very general one; it
includes a vast number of individuals. It even takes in tailors, for, by
a wise provision of Providence, the number of tailors in this world at
any one time is always a multiple of nine; so that you can point to any
nine of them and boldly say, a man. I am not sure that this term does
not include gorillas, for, by a wise provision of Congress, they can at
any time be made men and brethren. One advantage about the subject of
this chapter is this: it is never necessary to put a head on it, as it
is generally furnished with that appendage by nature.
So endeth this thrilling tale. A sequel to it will be published in the
early part of the next century, entitled,
"THERE WAS ONCE A TIME UPON A MAN."
* * * * *
HORSE-CAR HUMBUGS.
The Horse-Car is an omnivorous animal, though its chief diet is garbage,
as our sense of smell has often proved to us.
The "people's coach" it has been called, but in misery's name, I ask,
must the whole public crowd into one coach? Yesterday, after I had
waited for a car the best part of the forenoon, it came crawling along
at snail-like pace, the horses fast asleep, and the driver gazing
vacantly into space, thoroughly exhausted in endeavors to wake them up.
I entered, and was thrust into one of two congealed rows of mortality,
which faced each other from opposite benches.
Then the people filled the passage; they crowded it to suffocation; they
piled on to the platforms in battalions; six wretches depended from the
hind brake; others were suspended from the top of the car, with hands
and feet thrust through the leathers, and two actually balanced
themselves around the driver's neck.
Fearful moans arose from the enormous mass of condensed humanity; people
panted for breath; they gasped, and rolled their eyes in horrible
frenzy, and still the conductor yelled fiercely, and with demoniac
leer:--
And thus his Voice rang through the stifling air,
"Plenty of room in front, move forward, there!"
It was raining; parasols leaked into my shoes, soaking water-proofs
embraced me, and monstrous brogans crushed my feet to chaos; then,
umbrellas punched my eyes, out, jabbed holes in my hat, and wrote
hieroglyphics all over my shirt bosom, while baskets of meat were
deposited in my lap, and the intruding tail of a codfish roughly slapped
my face a dozen times.
In short, I emerged from that car ruined, wilted, and utterly
demoralized.
When I got home my wife didn't know me, and I could only prove my
identity by carefully scraping my feet, hanging up my hat, and otherwise
exhibiting the results of her superior disciplinary powers. My hardest
work, however, was to establish the fact that I hadn't been rolled in
the gutter, my rheumatic hobble, dilapidated aspect, and blood-shot eyes
telling fearfully against me.
The next time I ride in a horse-car, I shall take a private hack.
S.R. DEEN.
* * * * *
A Con of the Period.
When this cruel war is over, and crowds of tourists rush to see the
place where LOUIS NAPOLEON surrendered, why will that place be like
BRYANT'S Minstrels?
Because such a lot of people will go to See DAN.
* * * * *
Con from Our Correspondent in benighted Africa.
Why would CÆSAR have made a fine novelist?
Because he was a great Roman--Sir.
* * * * *
[Illustration: HAD HIM THERE.
_Brown._ "BET YOU FIFTY DOLLARS THE WAR IS OVER IN FRANCE IN FIVE DAYS."
_Smith._ "BET YOU A HUNDRED IT ISN'T."
_Brown._ "SHELL OUT YOUR HUNDRED--THE WAR IS OVER THERE NOW, ISN'T
IT?--HA! HA! HA!"]
* * * * *
LETTER FROM A SCHOOLMASTER.
MR. PUNCHINELLO: Respected Sir:--I am a schoolmaster, and in
investigating, for the benefit of my pupils (number limited; English and
classical courses; French and guitar extra; scholars bring their own
slippers and tooth-brushes; privileges of a home, etc., etc.), the vast
arena of Science, applied and unapplied, I have found that there are
many things that the world does not yet know. This may surprise you, but
it is nevertheless true. Through the medium of your valuable journal I
propose to give to the world, to which we all owe so much, a few hints
in regard to the deficiencies of Science, and thus place these, my
carefully nurtured ideas, at the service of my race.
It is to be presumed that there are but few persons who have not
observed the great benefits of _pruning_ in the vegetable kingdom. He
who sits under the shade of his own vine and fig-tree (or even those
which are leased or rented) will find the shade and the fruit of his
vine and his tree greatly increased by judicious and seasonable pruning.
The theories of Science and the practice of horticulturists have made
this fact so potent that it is needless to enlarge upon it now. But
Science stops here. What she has given the world, in respect to this
important subject, is of far less value than that of which she has
deprived it, by her failure to carry her investigations into the animal
kingdom. With the exception of the docking of horses' tails and the
clipping of the ears of dogs, she has done little or nothing in this
respect, and it is much to be feared that the great benefits of pruning,
as applied to the human race, are denied to the present generation; for
we all know how difficult it is, in the face of the dogged opposition of
the masses, to inaugurate a truly valuable reform. But it is my belief,
and I have carefully studied the subject in all its bearings, that the
crowning gift of Science to Man will be the system of PRUNING FOR
CONSUMPTION.
When we consider how the strength of a weak and spindling tree is
augmented by the excision of some of its useless branches, we can well
understand that weak and spindling man may be strengthened and
invigorated by the amputation of one or more of his limbs. The sap, or
blood, which was before applied to the support and nourishment of this
excised limb, will now assist in the nourishment of the whole body, and
the man, like the tree, will become vigorous, stout, and healthy. In
proof of this, it is only necessary to consider the condition of those
soldiers, sailors, or civilians who have suffered the amputation of a
leg or arm. How plump and rosy they all appear! Is it not certain, then,
that instead of wasting their time and substance in Cod-liver oil and
trips to Minnesota and Florida, it would be far better for those persons
who may fancy themselves consumptive to repair to their physician's
abode, and request him to trim off an arm, a foot, or a leg, according
to the urgency of their symptoms? And if this first pruning were found
to be insufficient, the individual might be further trimmed until his
form was of a size and extent no greater than his natural forces were
capable of nourishing. When this result was attained, the patient might
expect to grow as vigorous and wholesome as a properly pruned grape-vine
or a dwarf pear-tree. Hoping, respected Sir, that I have made myself
intelligible to yourself and readers, and that Science may take the
valuable hints I have given her, I am
Yours truly,
ANDREW SCOGGIN.
* * * * *
INCREDIBLE CREDULITY.
A CABLE despatch from Paris to PUNCHINELLO (cost $8.62) announces that
the editor of La Verité has been sent to a cold and gloomy dungeon
for publishing false news,--a warning to the Sunny CHARLES, our
well-beloved neighbor! But the most mysterious part of the matter is,
that this editorial Frenchman actually published this false news upon
the doubly dubious authority of the Chevalier WICKOFF! Why, this gallant
adventurer is so well known in New York that if he should come into our
sanctum and tell us that we had fallen heirs to a neat fortune of
$500,000, we shouldn't believe him for a moment.
* * * * *
A POSITIVE ANALOGY.
The Positivists of New York, at a recent meeting, passed unanimously a
set of resolutions, in one of which they spoke of King WILLIAM of
Prussia as the modern ATTILA. As an admirer of that fine old barbarian,
Mr. PUNCHINELLO protests against such a slanderous attack upon his
historic reputation. ATTILA and the hordes he led were honest thieves,
who made no hypocritical pretences to virtue in order to hide their real
motives. They were plunderers by profession, and were not ashamed to
openly proclaim it. ATTILA himself, like any high-minded savage of his
crew, would have quickly avenged, as an insult, any attempt to ascribe
to him another motive for his action than the pure and simple desire for
plunder: nor did he and his men pretend to lead the Europe of their day
in any of the branches of thought which go towards making the culture of
any country. The Positivists have great faith in the historic method of
analogy, and they are right in so doing. But in using analogies it is
just as well, if not better, to have them analogies.
* * * * *
The Peace In Preparation.
The new piece which, for the last few weeks, has been announced as in
preparation and shortly to appear in the Puppet Show of the European
Political Theatre has not yet been produced, and the expecting
spectators are asking why! The reason, however, is plain. The wire
pullers have been hard at work, but have been constantly thwarted by
finding that the wires which were effective with the imperial dolls will
have no effect upon the republican figures.
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AND LET THEM FIGHT IT OUT THERE. THE SIDE-WALK MUSTN'T BE OBSTRUCTED."]
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