A Ride goeth before a Fall.--
See Automobile, Bucking Broncho, Bicycle, Air-Ship, Patrol-Wagon,
Rail, and Go-Cart.
=X RAYS=
[Illustration]
Ten dollars from a friend.
* * * * *
=YARN= An essential in fabrication--either woven or narrated. Mill
yarns are highly colored; those spun at sea much more so.
* * * * *
=YAWL= Either the shape of a boat or the sound of a cat, but never
a cat-boat.
* * * * *
=YAWNS= The air-breaks on a sleeper.
* * * * *
=YEAR= A period originally including 365 days, now 325, since the
other 40 are Lent.
* * * * *
=YELLOW FEVER= A passion for reading the Hearst newspapers.
* * * * *
=YOLK= The legacy of the hen and the burden of its lay.
=YOKE= The inheritance of the hen-pecked and the burden of the
married.
* * * * *
=YULE-LOG= A Christmas protege of the grate, too young to smoke,
too tough to burn and too green to warm up to anybody.
* * * * *
=YOUTH= The dynamo that makes the world go round; a product of its
own generation, with its wires carrying Power into the high
places of Earth and with its currents of Thought
short-circuited only by bigoted Old Age.
* * * * *
=ZEALOT= One who loves morality so well he will commit crime to
maintain it.
* * * * *
=ZEBRA= The crook among horses, condemned to wear stripes for
life.
* * * * *
=ZERO= Originally, nothing; but now meaning a good deal on a
thermometer or bank-draft, and comprising two-thirds of the
400.
* * * * *
=ZIGZAG= The popular route after a heavy dinner. Old adage, "The
longest way round is the drunkard's way home!"
* * * * *
=ZOUAVE=
[Illustration]
The original Mrs. Bloomer.
_Postage and Postal Information_.
_How to Mail a Letter_.
After writing it, place it in a square or oblong envelope--round
ones are no longer fashionable--seal it on the back and write a
legible address on the front; then take a two-cent stamp, give it a
good licking and retire it to the corner--the upper, right-hand
corner, on the outside--never inside, as the postmaster is not a
clairvoyant. Drop it in a letter-box and trust to luck. If it's a
love letter, it will probably reach her all right, for Cupid is a
faithful postman and carries a stout pair of wings. If it's a bill,
by all means have it registered; otherwise, your debtor will swear
he never got it. If it's cash for your tailor, heed the post-office
warning, "Don't send money through the mails." Wait until you happen
to meet him on the street. If he sees you first, you lose.
=First-class Matter.=
Anything you are ashamed to have the postmaster or postmistress
read, and therefore seal up, is known as first-class matter. Also,
postal cards, where you're only allowed to argue on one side. If you
think your letter should travel slowly, invest ten cents in a
Special Delivery Stamp. This will insure a nice, leisurely journey,
lasting from one to two days longer than by the cheap two-cent
route.
=Second-class Matter.=
This class was originated for the benefit of Patent Medicine Mixers,
who print circulars on "What Ails You" four times a year, and pepper
the land with "Before-and-after-taking" caricatures, at the rate of
one cent a pound.
=Third-class Matter.=
While the quack nostrums travel second-class for one cent a pound,
books, engravings, manuscript copy, and works of art have to go
third-class and are taxed one cent for every two ounces. They must
also be left open for inspection, thus affording the post-office
employee a fleeting acquaintance with something really useful.
=Fourth-class Matter.=
Everything not included in the above, except poisons, explosives,
live animals, insects, inflammable articles, and things giving off a
bad odor. The last two do not include _The Police Gazette_ or _The
Philistine_.
_A Few Mythological and Classical Names._
_Brought down to date in brief Notes by the Editor._
ACHILLES. A courageous Greek, who did a general slaughtering
business in Troy in 1180 B.C., but was finally pinked in the
heel--his only vulnerable spot--and died.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
=Long life often depends on being well heeled.=
* * * * *
ADONIS. A beautiful youth, beloved by Venus and killed by a boar.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
=Bores have been the death of us ever since.=
* * * * *
BACCHUS. A brewer, who supplied the Gods with nectar, the beer that
made Olympus famous.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
=Those desiring a drink, please ask Dickens if "Bacchus is
willin'."=
* * * * *
CASTOR AND POLLUX. Two clever sports and twin brothers from Greece,
Castor being a horse-trainer and Pollux a pugilist, whose sister,
Helen, a respectable, married woman, disgraced the family by eloping
with Paris.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
=Just because a man can break a broncho or win a prize fight, it's no
sign he can manage a woman.=
* * * * *
CERBERUS. A dog with three heads, a serpent's tail and several
snakes around his neck, who guarded the main entrance to Hades.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
=When a man begins to see snakes and one head looks like three, it's
a cinch he's not far from Hell.=
* * * * *
CHARON. The gloomy gondolier of the Styx, who carried the dead to
the Other World--if they paid him first.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
=And even to-day, he who patronizes Rapid Transit must pay his fare
in advance.=
* * * * *
CUPID. The son of Venus and the God of Love, who with bow and arrows
punctured men's bosoms with the darts of admiration.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
=But now-a-days the arrow's not in it with a snug bathing suit or a
decollette gown.=
* * * * *
DAEDALUS. The original Santos Dumont, who invented and successfully
operated a flying-machine that would fly. His son, Icarus, tried the
trick, went too high and fell into the sea.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
=A flier frequently precedes a fall--especially in Wall Street.=
* * * * *
DIANA. The goddess of the chase; unmarried.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
=And this is very fitting. May the chase always be for the unmarried
only!=
* * * * *
HERCULES. The Gritty Greek (no relation to the Terrible Turk), an
independent laborer, who always had a good job awaiting him.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
=It is interesting to recall the days when non-union labor had all
the work it wanted.=
* * * * *
IXION. A king of Thessaly, who for his sins was broken on a wheel.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
=And men have been going broke on "the wheel" ever since.=
* * * * *
LOTUS EATERS. A gang of ancient vegetarians, who chewed leaves and
went to sleep.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
=Now succeeded by a club of New Yorkers, who chew the rag and keep
awake.=
* * * * *
MERCURY. A celestial messenger-boy, who wore wings on his shoes and
knew how "to get there" in a hurry.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
=Now they all wear hobbles, and never exceed the speed limit in a
public thoroughfare.=
* * * * *
MIDAS. A Greek king, who had the power of turning into gold all that
he touched.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
=That's nothing! There are plenty of men to-day who always get gold
whoever they touch.=
* * * * *
SAPPHO. A love-lorn poetess, who, failing to win the man she first
loved, cured herself by jumping into the Mediterranean.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
=She probably acted on the old advice, "There's plenty more fish in
the sea!"=
* * * * *
TANTALUS. A proud king, who suffered in Hades the agonies of hunger
and thirst, with food and drink always in sight, but always beyond
reach.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
=Here on earth, the 50-cent table d'hote accomplishes the same
result--besides costing you the fifty.=
* * * * *
TROY. An ancient, oriental city, which took in a wooden horse and
saw the domestic finish of Helen and Paris.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
=Do not confuse with Troy, N.Y., where they only take in washing
and provide a domestic finish for collars and shirts.=
* * * * *
VULCAN. The Olympian blacksmith, who always had his hammer with him.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
=But not all who carry hammers are blacksmiths.=
_Legal and Local Holidays in the United States._
=JANUARY 1, New Year's Day.= On this day the Flowing Bowl is
filled--and emptied--and the Genial Palm circulated in forty-three
States and Territories out of forty-nine. In Massachusetts, New
Hampshire, Rhode Island, Arkansas, Oklahoma and the Indian Territory
there is no celebration. The natives are too busy collecting good
resolutions and bad bills.
* * * * *
=FEBRUARY 22, Washington's Birthday.= (George, not Booker), is
remembered by thirty-eight of the States. On this day, in the public
schools, are shown pictures of George Chopping the Cherry Tree and
Breaking Up the Delaware Ice Trust, Valley Forge in Winter, and Mt.
Vernon on a Busy Day. The Pride of the Class recites Washington's
"Farewell to the Army," Minnie the Spieler belabors the piano with
the "Washington Post March," and the scholars all eat Washington
Pie, made of "Columbia, the Jam of the Ocean."
* * * * *
=MARCH 17, St. Patrick's Day and Evacuation Day=, when the British
redcoats got out of Boston and Patrick evicted the snakes from
Ireland. For observing the day, wear a turkey-red coat, or vest, and
put a bit of green ribbon, or a shamrock, in the buttonhole--the
green above the red. On Easter day, wear a scrambled egg in the same
place.
* * * * *
=APRIL 19, Patriot's Day.= A New England successor to FAST DAY--the
slowest day of the year. Originally invented for Fasting and Prayer.
Now used exclusively for opening the Baseball Season, Locating a
Seashore Home for the Summer, and watching Red-Shirted Diogenes at
his Tub.
Little drops of water,
Little lines of hose,
Make the mighty Muster
As ev'ry Laddie knows.
* * * * *
=MAY 1, Moving Day.= Observed everywhere by The Restless Tenant.
* * * * *
=APRIL 26= } { =In "Dixie"=
=MAY 30= } =Memorial Days= { =In the North=
A Symphony in Blue and Gray.
* * * * *
=JUNE 17, Bunker Hill Day.= Celebrated in Boston, Mass., by a
procession of the Ancient and Horrible Distillery Company, a few of
the City Fathers in hacks, a picked bunch of Navy Yard sailors and
occasionally a few samples from a Wild West Show. For 24 hours,
pistols and firecrackers are allowed to mutilate Young America _ad
lib_.
* * * * *
=JULY 4, Independence Day.= A national holiday, invented for the
benefit of popcorn and peanut promoters; tin horn and toy-balloon
vendors; lemonade chemists; dealers in explosives; physicians and
surgeons. A grand chance for the citizen-soldier to hear the roar of
battle, smell powder, shoot the neighbor's cat, and lose a night's
rest--or a finger.
* * * * *
=LABOR DAY, First Monday in September.= The only day when labor
works overtime. An occasion when the workingman takes a cane in
place of a dinner-pail and proudly tramps the streets behind a real
silk banner and a Hod Carrier on a Cart Horse.
* * * * *
=THANKSGIVING DAY (Last Thursday in November).= A day devoted to the
annual division of Turkey--with Greece on the side--by the Hung'ry
folks.
* * * * *
=DECEMBER 25, Christmas Day.= Another national holiday, marked by
the following observances: Filling the young and helpless with a lot
of fiction about Santa Claus, the old chimney fakir, who went up the
flue long ago; making a clothesline of the mantelpiece and robbing
the forest of its young; swapping several things we'd like to keep
for a lot of stuff we don't want; and, finally, putting on in church
a Sunday night performance of light opera, known as "The Sabbath
School Concert."
* * * * *
+-----------------------------------------------------------+
| Typographical errors corrected in text: |
| |
| In the main dictionary section: |
| under ANCESTORS: parodox corrected to paradox |
| section title AUTOMBILIST corrected to AUTOMOBILIST |
| under BABY: noctural corrected to nocturnal |
| under DANCE: physicial corrected to physical |
| under ENTHUSIAST: belives corrected to believes |
| section title PHILOSPHER corrected to PHILOSOPHER |
| under PIANO: freguently corrected to frequently |
| under SADDUCEE: religous corrected to religious |
| under STOVE-PIPE: recepatcle corrected to receptacle |
| under SUN: developes corrected to develops |
| under WAR: planed corrected to planned |
| |
| In the section after the dictionary: |
| section title CASTOR AND POLLOX corrected to |
| CASTOR AND POLLUX |
| |
+-----------------------------------------------------------+
* * * * *