There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood,
leads on to Fortune--But most of us catch our watered stock on the
ebb.
=UMBRELLA= A good thing to put up in a shower--or pawn-shop; but,
like skating, never seen after Lent.
* * * * *
=UNBOSOMED=
[Illustration]
A shirt just returned from a steam laundry.
* * * * *
=UNION= An ailing individual frequently troubled by scabs and
liable to strike without warning.
* * * * *
=UMPIRE= No jeweler, but a high authority on diamonds.
* * * * *
=USHER= One who takes a leading part in a theatre.
=VACCINATION= Where "jabbing the needle" is never a vice.
* * * * *
=VAUDEVILLE= From Lat. _vaut_, good for, and _villageois_,
countryman. Good for countrymen.
* * * * *
=VERANDA=
[Illustration]
An open-air enclosure often used as a spoon-holder.
* * * * *
=VEST= A waistcoat sold at halfprice.
* * * * *
=VIRTUE= A quality oftentimes associated with intelligence, but
rarely with beauty.
* * * * *
=VULGARITY= The conduct of others.
A rolling stone gathers no moss--except at roulette.
W
But a stony roll always gathers the stony stare.
=WAITER= An Inn-experienced servant.
* * * * *
=WAR= A wholesale means of making heroes which, if planned in a
small way, would produce only murderers.
* * * * *
=WATER= A thin substance applied to stocks with which to soak
buyers.
* * * * *
=WEDDING= A trade in which the bride is generally given away, and
the groom is often sold.
* * * * *
=WEEDS= Found in gardens and widows. For removing easily, marry
the widow.
* * * * *
=WICKEDNESS= A myth invented by good people to account for the
singular attractiveness of others.
* * * * *
=WIDOW= The wife of a golfer during the open season, unless she
golfs, too. In that event the children are golf orphans.
* * * * *
=WHISKY= Trouble put up in liquid form.
* * * * *
=WIND= An aerial phenomenon, superinduced by an ephemeral
agitation of the nebular strata, whereby air, (hot or cold),
impelled into transitory activity, generates a prolonged
passage through space, owing to certain occult ethereal
stimuli, and results in zephyrs, breezes, blows, blow-outs,
blizzards, gales, simoons, hurricanes, tornadoes or typhoons.
Barred from Kansas Cyclone-cellars but frequently blended with
Chicago tongue--canned or conversational.
* * * * *
=WOMAN= An aspiring creature whose political sphere is still
slightly flattened at the polls.
* * * * *
=WORD= Something you must keep after giving it to another.
* * * * *
=WORRY= A state of mind that leads some persons to fear, every
time the tide goes out, that it won't come in again.
* * * * *
=WRINKLES= A merchant's trade-marks.
It's the first straw hat which shows how the wind blows.