officers and non-commissioned officers are allowed to walk across this
grass.”
Private Smith—“But, Sergeant-Major, I’ve Captain Graham’s verbal orders
to—”
Sergeant-Major—“None o’ that, sir. Show me the captain’s verbal orders.
Show ’em to me, sir.”
PAYING HIS RESPECTS
A soldier had died, and a very unpopular sergeant was making a
“voluntary” levy of a shilling per man to be sent to the dead soldier’s
widow. He came to Mick, an Irishman, who was always in trouble, and who
hated the sergeant.
“Now, Mick, my man, where’s your shilling?”
Mick slowly put his hand in his pocket, and as slowly withdrew it. He
looked lovingly at the shilling as it lay in his palm, and then passed
it over to the sergeant.
“There it is,” he said, “and I’d gladly make it a sovereign if it was
for you.”
GOT THE MONEY FIRST
The following story is vouched for by a well-known Scottish M. P.
somewhere off the East Coast. A trawler was on naval patrol duty. The
skipper thought he would like some fish for breakfast, so he commenced
operations. Soon up popped a German submarine close by. The trawler’s
skipper, an Aberdonian, was about to ram it and earn the prize money
when the submarine’s commander, not suspecting this evil intention,
offered to buy some fish. So the canny Scot went alongside, sold his
fish—and then rammed the submarine.
FORTUNATE
Girl (reading letter from brother at the front)—“John says a bullet
went right through his hat without touching him.”
Old Lady—“What a blessing he had his hat on, dear.”
FEMININE STRATEGY
“I was speaking with your father last night,” he said, at last,
somewhat inanely.
“Oh, were you?” answered the sweet young thing, lowering her eyes.
“Er—what were you—er—talking about?”
“About the war. Your father said that he hoped the fighting would soon
be over.”
The sweet young thing smiled.
“Yes,” she remarked, “I know he’s very much opposed to long
engagements.”
He took the hint.
WAR WORKS WONDERS
Vicar (who has called to read a letter to one of his parishioners from
her son at the Front)—“Your son, Mrs. Codling, has been fighting in the
trenches. For a whole week he was standing up to his neck in water!”
Mrs. Codling—“Well, I never! This war be doing some funny things, sir,
to be sure. We couldn’t get ’im to put water anywhere near ’is neck
when ’e was at ’ome!”
UNLIMITED SUPPLY
“Do you know, Bill would be awfully helpful to the Germans at the
front.”
“How so?”
“They might just get him on to talking about his fishing exploits when
they were filling their gas-bombs.”
HER DEDUCTION
Mrs. Brown (to Mrs. Jones, who has been to see a son off in a
troop-ship)—“Well, I’m sure they’ll be starting soon, for both funnels
are smoking; and, you see, my dear, they couldn’t want both funnels
just for lunch.”
NOT A FAVORITE BRAND
Private A—“Wot kind of a cigarette have you got?”
Private B (handing him one)—“Flor de Kitchener.”
Private A (takes a few puffs and throws it away, remarking)—“They would
floor better men than Kitchener.”
AN UNWILLING TARGET
The Home Secretary, we understand, can not see his way to allow a
distinguished Anglo-American who dwells in our midst with his family
to exhibit, with a view to safeguarding his home against Zeppelins, an
illuminated sky-sign bearing the words “Gute leute wohnen hier” (“Good
people live here”).—Punch.
A COMPROMISE
In a certain hospital “somewhere in France” one of the nurses, before
going out shopping, was inquiring of the wounded soldiers whether they
required anything brought in, and, if so, what.
One poor chap asked her to bring him a bottle of “Scotch.” She told
him that was impossible, as he had been forbidden to drink anything,
whereupon he promptly replied:
“Well, have it frozen, and I’ll bite it.”
ON A SCOTTISH BATTLEFIELD
Patriotism is more than name-deep. In the early summer a tourist party
at a Stirling hotel included an obvious German who had a few months
previously gone the whole hog in the matter of naturalization.
He had called himself—say—Hector McKiltie. The party strolled out to
the field of Bannockburn. Standing beneath the flagstaff, “McKiltie’s”
eyes beamed through his spectacles for a minute. And then came the
patriotic outburst:
“Mein gracious,” he exclaimed, “so dis vas vere ve beat der Inglish!”
IT HIT HIM FIRST
The wounded soldier explained his grievance to his nurse.
“You see, old Smith was next to me in the trenches. Now, the bullet
that took me in the shoulder and laid me out went into ’im and made
a bit of a flesh wound in his arm. Of course I’m glad he wasn’t ’urt
bad. But he’s stuck to my bullet and given it his girl. Now, I don’t
think that’s fair. I’d a right to it. I’d never give a girl o’ mine a
second-’and bullet.”
SWEET CHARITY
Wealthy Benefactress (stopping in at the hospital)—“Well, we’ll bring
the car to-morrow, and take some of your patients for a drive. And, by
the bye, nurse, you might pick out some with bandages that show—the
last party might not have been wounded at all, as far as anybody in the
streets could see.”
EXPLAINED
Eminent Woman Surgeon, Who Is Also an Ardent Suffragette (to wounded
guardsman)—“Do you know, your face is singularly familiar to me? I’ve
been trying to remember where we’ve met before.”
Guardsman—“Well, mum, bygones be bygones; I was a police constable.”
OPTIMISTIC
Sniper—“I’ve knocked the spike orf ’is bloomin’ ’elmet—’e’s took the
top orf o’ my bloomin’ ear—and it’s my shot next!”
WHAT STRUCK HIM LEAST
An Irishman invalided home from the war was asked by one of his
relatives what struck him most about the battles he took part in.
“What struck me most?” said Pat. “Sure, it was the large number of
bullets flying around that didn’t hit me.”
THE TERRIER
Sergeant—“’Ey, there! Where are you going?”
The Absent-Minded Beggar (who climbed out of the trench)—“’Oly Jiminy!
When that bloomin’ shell whistled over ’ead Hi thought it was twelve
o’clock!”
MORE THINGS TO KNIT
“My love, I’ve an idea,” said old Mrs. Goodart to her caller. “You know
we frequently read of the soldiers making sorties. Now, why not make up
a lot of those sorties and send them to the poor fellows at the front?”
A QUALIFIED FIGHTER
Rather unexpected was the reply of a Mrs. Tommy Atkins to a lady who
inquired if her husband was at the front.
“Yus,” she said, “an’ I ’ope ’e’ll serve the Germans as ’e served me.”
A SHORT CUT
A stranger inquired of Pat which was the shortest way to the hospital.
Pat seriously replied: “By shouting three cheers for Germany.”
MORE THAN HE BARGAINED FOR
A soldier in barracks asked for exemption from church parade on
the ground that he was an agnostic. The sergeant-major assumed an
expression of innocent interest.
“Don’t you believe in the Ten Commandments?” he asked, mildly.
“Not one, sir!” was the reply.
“What! Not the rule about keeping the Sabbath?”
“No, sir.”
“Ah, well, you’re the very man I’ve been looking for to scrub out the
canteen!”
AS SEEN IN PRESS REPORTS
Making the geography lesson as interesting as possible, the teacher
asked the name of one of the Allies.
“France,” cried one little boy.
“Now name a town in France.”
“Somewhere,” promptly returned the youngster.
BEST OF INTENTIONS
Young Subaltern:—“I think I ought to get a periscope; what do you
think?”
Grandmamma—“Don’t go buying one, my dear; if you could borrow one for a
pattern, I am sure I could knit you one just as good.”
DOUBLE TROUBLE
“Mein Gott, it iss too much? Ain’t it enough dot I fight for der
Vaterland? Now der Emperor says we should marry before leaving for der
front.”
HE LOST THE COUNT
A young officer at the front wrote home to his father:
“Dear Father—Kindly send me $250 at once. Lost another leg in a stiff
engagement and am in hospital without means.”
The answer was as follows:
“My dear Son—As this is the fourth leg you have lost (according to your
letters), you ought to be accustomed to it by this time. Try and hobble
along on any others you may have left.”
DEADLIER THAN USUAL
“I understand that all the warring nations find that women are
perfectly able to make shrapnel.”
“I’ll wager they make it in their own way, however. One cupful
gunpowder, one cupful nitroglycerin, a pinch of fulminate, and so on.”
NEW USE OF THE WORD
She—“Where have you been?”
He—“In the hospital getting censored.”
She—“Censored?”
He—“Yes; I had several important parts cut out.”
THE ORIGINAL ONE-STEP
“Did you ever go to a military ball?” asked a lisping maid of an army
veteran.
“No, my dear,” growled the old soldier. “In those days I once had a
military ball come to me, and what do you think? It took my leg off.”
MOTHERLY ADMONITION
The young organist of the village church had joined the local corps to
fight for King and Country. The whole place turned out to see the boys
go off to the Front, among them the organist’s mother, a dear old soul,
who was weeping bitterly. Bravely the old lady dried her tears, and as
the train steamed out of the station she called to her son:—
“Look after yourself, my boy, and be sure you keep your practice up.”
OTHER INTENTIONS
Recruiting Officer—“And now, my lad, just one more question—are you
prepared to die for your country?”
Recruit—“No, I ain’t! That ain’t wot I’m j’ining for. I want to make a
few of them Germans die for theirs!”
SLACKERS
British Foreman Compositor—“Three more of my men have enlisted this
morning.”
Editor—“Ah! A wave of patriotism, I suppose?”
Foreman Compositor—“Well! Perhaps that’s the way to put it, but they
say they would rather be shot than set any more of your copy!”
A PUTTERING PUTTER
War Fan—“What’de yuh think of von Hindenburg’s drive?”
Golf Fan—“His drive is all right, but they say he’s weak on the green.”
BLACK AND BLUE, PERHAPS
The Village Know-All—“’Ow’s that son o’ yourn wot went into the Army
gettin’ on, Mr. Highpate?”
Mr. Highpate—“Oh, doin’ splendid. They’ve made ’im a color-sergeant
now.”
The Village Know-All—“’Ave they, though? What color?”
BUT WILL THEY?
“What makes you think we’ll have better times when the war is over?”
“Well, for one thing, all these men who do nothing but stand around
discussing the war news will have time to go back to work.”
SLOW BUT SURE
Yoemanry Officer (to trooper whose horse continually falls to the
rear)—“How’s this? You told me your horse had won half-a-dozen matches
against some of the best horses in the country.”
“So he has, sir,” replied the trooper. “It was in ploughing matches he
took the prizes.”
THE RECRUIT SCORES ONE
“Blockhead!” shouted the exasperated drill-sergeant to the raw recruit.
“Are they all such idiots as you in your family?”
“No,” said the recruit. “I have a brother who is a great deal more
stupid than me.”
“Impossible! And what on earth does this incomparable blockhead do?”
“He is a drill-sergeant.”
OUR GUESS WOULD BE BEER
Teacher—“Now, children, who can tell me which is the Germans’ favorite
drink?”
After a pause—“Champagne,” exclaimed all the class excepting Tommy.
Teacher—“Now, Tommy, don’t you agree with the others?”
Tommy—“Well, teacher, I don’t know. I am not sure that the German army
are fond of champagne, but all the world knows that their navy always
stick to port.”
A RARE OFFERING
Scene, improvised singsong in a British relief-camp, to which a number
of German prisoners were admitted as a special favor. Officer running
it returns after a brief absence to find the sergeant left in control
of the program announcing the following item: “Our friends Fritz and
’Ans will now oblige with the ’Ymn of ’Ate.”
WISE RECRUIT
Officer (in volunteer camp, to recruit)—“Now, if a fire should break
out, what are you to do?”
Recruit—“Run and find you, sir.”
Officer—“Right. And, if I’m not be found, what then?”
Recruit—“Put out the fire, sir.”
BAD BITE
“Well, I see the Germans have taken Lodz.”
“I’ll bite. Loads of what?”
NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN
A big German officer went into a shop in Brussels and explained to
the old woman inside that Germany was ever so many times bigger than
Belgium.
“How is it, then,” she inquired, “that you can travel through Germany
in three weeks, whereas you have taken over a year to get through
Belgium, and you are not through yet?”
The officer saluted the old woman and walked away.
THE WHOLE PACK
A platoon of a certain regiment, among whom were a number of men noted
as inveterate card-players, was being drilled. The instructor lined
them up and gave the command:
“Number off!”
Like fire along the front rank ran the response:
“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, jack,
queen, king, ace!”
NO GARTERS NEEDED
“Anyhow, there’s one advantage in having a wooden leg,” said the happy
soldier.
“What’s that?” said his friend.
“You can hold your socks up with tin-tacks.”
WILLING TO SPARE HIM
“Does your wife show any interest in the war?”
“Yes, indeed. She talks about it.”
“What does she say?”
“Why, she says that she wishes I could go.”
CHANCE FOR SOME INVENTOR
He—“Why so pensive, my dear? What are you thinking about?”
She—“I was thinking that if all the yarns husbands give their wives
could be knit up, what a lot of socks and mittens there’d be for the
brave soldiers.”
IN “ZEPPELIN” TIMES
“I can’t understand it. A month ago you cut her dead, and now you can’t
make too much fuss over her.”
“My dear, it’s quite simple. She has the biggest cellar in the
district.”—London Opinion.
GETTING THE ACCENT
“My barber is a Frenchman. Every day while he’s shaving me he gives me
a little lesson in French.”
“Fine. But don’t you find it rather difficult to make replies?”
“Yes, to a certain extent, but the lather that gets into my mouth seems
to help my accent.”
AN OLD KNITTING STITCH
It was several days after arriving home from the front that the soldier
with two broken ribs was sitting up and smoking a cigar when the doctor
came in.
“Well, how are you feeling now?” asked the latter.
“I’ve had a stitch in my side all day,” replied the wounded soldier.
“That’s all right,” said the doctor. “It shows that the bones are
knitting.”
THE DEAR FRIENDS
At a party Miss Brown had sung “It’s a Long Way to Tipperary,” and for
days after she was singing or humming it to herself.
“It seems to haunt me,” she said to a friend, who had also been at the
party.
“No wonder,” said the friend. “Look at the way you murdered it.”
FIGHTING FOR HIS GLASSES
A pair of field-glasses “made in Germany” was responsible for the loss
of a trench by the Germans in circumstances at once laughable and
inspiring.
The hero was a young British subaltern who won the Victoria Cross.
The subaltern had a pair of Beiss field-glasses of which he was
extraordinarily proud. He bored everyone stiff by talking about them
continually.
One day his company had been compelled to fall back on their support
trenches owing to a sudden German attack.
All at once the subaltern shouted “Good heavens!” and bolted through
the communication trench.
A sergeant, who was very fond of the young officer, went after him, and
came back shortly after to the commanding officer to report:—
“Sir, he has recaptured the trench.”
The commanding officer collected his men, and again advanced to the
fire trench, where he found the subaltern, with a revolver in each
hand, in front of a whole row of Germans, who had laid down their
rifles and were holding up their hands. The commanding officer
congratulated him, but pointed out the recklessness of his action.
“Sir,” replied the subaltern, “I wanted to get my glasses back.”
CONCERNED
Old Lady (to nephew on leave from the front)—“Good-by, my dear boy, and
try and find time to send a post-card to let me know you are safely
back in the trenches!”
MOST LIKELY
Bix—“By the way, who is, or rather was, the god of war?”
Dix—“I’ve forgotten the duffer’s name, but I think it was Ananias.”
TIMID
Officer (as Private Atkins worms his way toward the enemy)—“You fool!
Come back at once!”
Tommy—“No bally fear, sir! There’s a hornet in the trench.”
NOISY TIME-PIECE
Ship’s Officer—“Oh, there goes eight bells; excuse me, it’s my watch
below.”
The Lady—“Gracious! Fancy your watch striking as loud as that!”
IN NAVAL TERMS
“That is the rhinoceros. See his armored hide?”
“Um. And what’s this?”
“The giraffe.”
“Gee! He’s got a periscope.”
SO CHANGEABLE
First Recruit—“What do you think of the major, Bill?”
Second Recruit—“‘E’s a changeable kind o’ bloke. Last night I says to
’im ‘’Oo goes there?’ An’ he says, ‘Friend,’ an’ today ’e ’ardly knows
me.”
AMONG THE MISSING
Old Lady (to wounded officer)—“Oh, sir, do you ’appen to ’ave ’eard if
any of your men at the front ’as found a pair of spectacles wot I left
in a 16 ’bus in the Edgware Road?”
NO LUCK
“Do the Germans ever leave anything valuable behind them in the
trenches?”
Veteran—“Never a drop, mum!”
RECRUITING IN ENGLAND
Overlooking Blackburn cemetery has been stuck a great recruiting
poster, which reads:—
“Wake up! Your King and Country need you!”
ALL BUT THE FIG LEAF
Here is a true story from Paris. A batch of conscripts were to be
examined by the army doctor. The latter, after seeing that everything
was ready in the room, called out to the soldier attendant:
“Send in the first man.”
The attendant shouted, “Adam!” And in walked a nude man whose name it
was, and who happened to be the first on the list.
LACKED EXPERIENCE
The black sheep of the regiment stood before his commanding officer
charged with being drunk. He stoutly denied the offense, and there was
only one witness, a sergeant, to prove it. However, the records showed
eleven previous convictions for the same offense.
“You are a hardened and habitual offender,” said the captain, sternly.
“I can’t take your denial against the sergeant’s word.”
The prisoner turned to the sergeant-witness, and asked, “Have you ever
been drunk?”
On receiving an emphatic negative, he turned to the captain again.
“Sergeant says I was drunk; I says I wasn’t. I ask yer, captain, which
is likely to be right—him what’s ’ad no experience of what being drunk
is, or an ’ardened and ’abitual like me?”
CONDESCENSION
Modesty is an engaging quality in a young man, and the British War
Office is said to have appreciated the letter of a youth with no
military experience whatever who, in applying for a commission, stated
that he would be quite willing to start as a lieutenant.
A HEARTHSTONE HERO
“I hear, Tommy, you saved a life in the war.”
“Hi did, sir.”
“How did you do it, Tommy?”
“By not hinlisting, sir.”
STICKING TO IT
When the Germans entered Belgium a native of Liége made himself
obnoxious to one troop by his constant loud talk about the brave
defense. Finally the commander summoned him.
“Now, you’ve boasted about enough,” he said. “We can’t listen to you
any longer. I’m going to give you your choice: you will be shot, or you
will swear allegiance to the German Emperor.”
Considerably subdued, the offender pondered. “Well,” he decided, “I
don’t want to die, so I guess I’ll swear allegiance.”
And he took the oath.
“All right,” said the commander, “now you are one of us. You can come
and go as you like.”
The man walked towards the door and was passing out, when suddenly he
turned. “Say,” he exclaimed, “didn’t those Belgians give us an awful
fight!”
THE RETREAT FROM ALSACE
Loquacious Visitor—“So you were wounded at the front, my good man?”
Irishman—“No, begorry. I was wounded in the rear av me.”
TEETH NOT ESSENTIAL
Medical Officer—“Sorry; I must reject you on account of your teeth.”
Would-be Recruit—“Man, ye’re making a gran’ mistake. I’m no wanting to
bite the Germans; I’m wanting to shoot ’em.”
FLASHES OF IRISH WIT
=160 Pages. Paper Covers. Price 30 cents.=
BY CARLETON B. CASE.
The best bulls, blunders and banter by the sons and daughters of
the Emerald Isle, gathered into one volume for the delectation of
all who appreciate a hearty laugh. This is not a mere collection
from the ancient Irish authors, with their “Handy Andys” and other
butts and jokers, but, in the main, is the best wit of the modern,
the transplanted Irishman, the kind that Americans best know and
appreciate. You will agree, when you peruse it, that it is the most
mirth-provoking collection of real good Irish fun you ever read, and
to say that is equivalent to saying that it is a book of unsurpassed
humor, for the Irishman above all others “takes the cake” as a natural
wit.
SHREWESBURY PUBLISHING CO.
Chicago
A BATCH OF SMILES
=160 Pages. Paper Covers. Price 30 cents.=
BY CARLETON B. CASE.
A collection of the most laughable jokes, doings and sayings of funny
folks, gathered from every quarter of the globe; warranted to produce a
smile on the longest face. Comprising original and selected anecdotes
by the world’s best wits, some of which have never before been in
print, and all of them funny and laugh-provoking; such humor as ladies
and gentlemen appreciate, and are better and happier for the having.
This is a companion book to =Flashes of Irish Wit=, its contents
entirely different and with less of the Hibernian humor; the two taken
together making the most complete gathering of modern wit extant.
SHREWESBURY PUBLISHING CO.
Chicago
The Shrewesbury Series of
POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT BOOKS
EDITED BY CARLETON B. CASE
The very latest, most up-to-date and complete works of their kind.
Uniform in style. _Price each 30 cents._ Procurable where you bought
this book, or will be sent postpaid direct from the publishers on
receipt of price.
SHREWESBURY PUBLISHING CO.,
=Chicago=
A Batch of Smiles (humor)
A Little Nonsense ”
Flashes of Irish Wit ”
Some Irish Smiles ”
Wit and Humor of Abraham Lincoln
New Book of Conundrums and Riddles
How to Write Love-letters
Art of Making Love
Etiquette for Every Occasion
Gypsy Witch Fortune-Teller
Telling Fortunes by Cards
Gypsy Witch Dream Book
Oriental Dream Book
Herrmann’s Wizards’ Manual
Comic Declamations and Readings
Junior Recitations
Holiday Recitations
District School Recitations
Children’s Select Recitations and Dialogues
Junior Dialogues
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High School Dialogues
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THE SHREWESBURY POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT BOOKS
TELLING FORTUNES BY CARDS
BY MOHAMMED ALI
=160 Pages Paper Covers Price 30 cents.=
(Edited by Carleton B. Case.) A symposium of the various ancient and
modern methods, as practiced by Arab Seers and Sibyls and the Romany
Gypsies, with plain examples and simple instructions that enable anyone
to acquire the art with ease. Divination by cards nowadays is chiefly
employed for amusement and pastime, for entertaining one’s self or
one’s company; at church fairs, charity bazars and the like. This book
supplies all the data for the complete mastery of this interesting
science, and is the only one in the English language that is free from
technical errors. Just out.
A LITTLE NONSENSE
BY CARLETON B. CASE
=160 Pages Paper Covers Price 30 cents.=
A book of the best current wit, culled from European and American
sources; all clean and laughable; due to find a place in every home
where mirth is welcome and happiness has its habitat. Nobody knows who
wrote
“A little nonsense now and then
Is relished by the wisest men,”
but that couplet inspired our title. It is a collection of
smile-provokers for “the wisest men,” and women, and we believe you’ll
like it. There are bits of Irish anecdote in places, but most of the
fun is other than Hibernian, and all of it is good.
SHREWESBURY PUBLISHING CO.
CHICAGO
* * * * *
Transcriber’s note:
Obvious punctuation errors were corrected.
Book uses “yoeman” where “yeoman” might be expected.
Page 5, “cafe” changed to “café” (of a café at Havre)
Page 41, “Be” changed to “He” (He bounced down on)