TOM, Uncle, an old negro actor who appeared in every city, town,
village, and hamlet in the United States north of the Confederate
States. His history was written by Mrs. H. B. Stowe, and was the match
which kindled the Civil War. The Northerners have since learned that all
negroes are not Uncle Toms, and are wondering whether any mistakes were
made back in 1861.
TOURISTS, T. H. E., a man and woman who carried a camera, bought
post-cards, read Baedekers, visited Cook's office, rode in carriages,
and then told their friends all about the trip. Ambition: Just one look
at everything. Address: Principally Europe. Epitaph: They Came, They
Saw, They Vanished.
TROY, Helen of, a peach of a girl who eloped with a man and caused the
longest siege in history to make her elope back again.
TURNER, J. M. W., an English painter whose paint exploded on canvas.
TWAIN, Mark, an American who wore long white hair, made after-dinner
speeches, received university degrees, and made people laugh.
TWINS, Siamese, two men who were closer than brothers.
TWIST, Oliver, one of those unfortunates whose history had to be
divulged for the financial gain of a great writer and many theatrical
mangers.
U
UFFIZI, an Italian who prevented scores of the old masters from starving
to death by filling his house in Florence with their canvases. Since the
Morgan art raid the market price has advanced and U.'s investment has
become profitable.
ULYSSES, warrior, inventor, and traveler. Sprang into fame at the siege
of Troy, where he invented the horse which recaptured Helen. Escaped
from Polyphemus, a one-eyed giant, by sticking a burning telegraph pole
in his eye. Later performed his greatest feat by evading the Sirens.
Stayed away from home so much his wife forgot what he looked like. His
dog, however, recalled the scent and prevented U. from sleeping in the
barn. Press Agent: Homer. Recreation: Travel, wars. Address: Ithaca.
UNDERWOOD, Oscar, known as Underwood Bill. A gentleman from Alabama
who walked in a presidential, but ran in a senatorial, race. He had
something to do with the high cost of tariffing.
UNKNOWN, the man who painted thousands of pictures in art galleries.
V
VALESQUEZ, Spanish canvas coverer. In the absence of the camera, he was
appointed the court oil photographer. Exposed a portrait of Philip IV in
every gallery in the world. Art textbooks think a great deal of V.
VANDERBILT, an American family of means who possess a few railroads,
much of New York City, some splendid divorces, and a weakness for
Newport and newspapers.
VAN DYKE, beard inventor and artist. A Dutchman who invaded England with
portraits and his tonsorial achievement.
VAN HOUTEN. He was the man who put cocoa in tin boxes.
VENUS, a dream of a girl who lived long ago, posed for her statue, and
had to die after everybody fell in love with her. Was born and painted
at sea. Married at an early age. Was a regular heart breaker. V. had an
affair with one Adonis, and later with Vulcan. Not much is known of her
old-ladyhood, as she refused to pose for statues when advanced in
years. Ambition: Parisian gowns, the love of the gods. Recreation: Love.
Address: The Louvre, Paris. The Uffizi Gallery, Florence. Clubs: She was
too good looking to be a suffragette.
VERSONNESE, Paul, decorator of the Doges Palace, Venice, and contributor
to most galleries. His work was nearly as prolific as Reubens, and two
or three of his paintings compare favorably with the naughty Titian.
VESPASIAN, the man who built the colosseum in Rome for the tourists.
VESPUCCI, A., an enterprising journalist who arrived on the scene after
the discovery had been made. V. wrote the story in such a clever manner
he succeeded in cheating the discoverer out of naming the place. (See
Columbus.)
VICTOR, he was the man who put the fox terrier in front of the talking
machine.
VINCI, Leonardo Da, painted Mona Lisa for the Louvre, Paris. His
reputation has soared in proportion to the duration of her absence.
Ambition: To be the Morgan family painter. Recreation: Looking for
purchasers. Epitaph: He Has Finished His Last Supper.
VIRGIL, an old text-book writer. Had something to do with the AEneid.
VIRGIN, Vestal, an old maid of Rome who was locked up in the forum for
protection. She attended the gladiatorial contests and played with her
thumbs.
VITUS, Saint, dancing master whose repertoire did not include the turkey
trot.
VOLTAIRE, a Frenchman who went around with a bad taste in his mouth.
VULCAN, fireman and tinsmith. Made a number of celebrated forgings. Had
a career like the ancients and fell in love with Venus.
W
WAGNER, Dick, a Dutchman who wrote a few sheets of music, went into the
opera business, but died before the good singers or Hammerstein prices
appeared.
WALKER, Johnnie, 1820. Spent most of his life at your favorite bar until
you appeared.
WALTON, Isaac, he was the fellow who started those awful fish stories.
WASHINGTON, George, child model, father, etc. Spent early days chopping
trees, holding conversations with his father, killing Indians, and
being brave. Later he drove those tea-selling Englishmen from the United
States, said farewell to his troops, and became a politician. W. decided
he was not good enough for a third term and retired. His picture has
been widely distributed. Ambition: To be the happy father of a big
Uncle Sam. Recreation: Powdering his wig. Address: Washington. Clubs:
Anti-Ananias.
WASHINGTON, Booker T., only a distant relation of the above. A big black
man who went about the country raising money to put brains into ivory.
He also told his audience how unfortunate they were in not being coons.
(See Uncle Tom.)
WATSON, Doctor. He boswelled Sherlock Holmes.
WEBSTER, Dan., an American statesman and a member of Congress before the
invention of investigating committees. He died famous.
WEBSTER, Noah, speller, writer, reference-book maker, and language
itemizer. W. was the man to whom Mark Twain paid a glowing tribute by
saying he was a great writer, but his stories were too short.
WELLINGTON, Duke of, an Englishman who taught a great French general to
say "Tout est perdu." He later taught England that many a good soldier
makes a poor politician.
WHITEHEAD, of Fiume, Austria. Mission in life was to reduce the size of
dreadnaughts.
WHITTINGTON, Richard, proprietor of a celebrated back-fence walker.
WIDOW, Merry, a dream who hung around Mr. Maxim's restaurant in Paris,
made love to nobility, toured the world, and finally died. Death was
caused by overexertion. Before the war she was engaged to a Balkan
prince. W. visited New York, London, and Paris. Everybody fell in love
with her and whistled her praises. Past: (?) Press Agent: Frank Lehar.
Ambition: Millionaires. Recreation: After 11.45 P. M. Epitaph: When Will
There Be Another Like Her?
WIGGS, Mrs., a woman who successfully advertised cabbages.
WILLIAMS. He was the man who ruined the shaving-mug business.
WILSON, Puddin' Head, a young lawyer who was fathered by Mark Twain. No
relation to the following.
WILSON, Woodrow, one time president of an American football, educational
institution, who outgrew his job. He moved up to be governor, made a few
cure-all speeches, introduced Roosevelt to Bryan, changed his address
to Washington. Took out a watchful, waiting policy. Is now in Who's Who,
but whether he will remain in that publication or this one cannot be
determined at the time of going to press. Ambition: To keep Roosevelt
and Bryan running. Recreation: Teaching, Browning, other brain
exercises, thinking, Congress. Address: Washington, care Joseph Tumulty.
Clubs: Pedagogue, Mexican.
WINSLOW, Mrs., known over the world as the lady who soothes the baby's
little tummie.
WONDERLAND, Alice of, traveless discoveress. Made a lady of the Royal
Geographical Society. She was a great favorite of the children and many
grown ups. She always will remain a Who's Whoess.
WOOLSEY, Cardinal, a churchman who combined politics with his
profession, became wealthy, unfortunate, and was finally written up by
Shakespeare.
WRIGHT, Orville, one of the inventors of the aeroplane who knows the
inside of the business, and believes one life on the ground is worth two
in the air.