(10) Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the character of the R's who
have been famous.
RALEIGH, Walt., one of the men who was permitted to hold hands with
Queen Elizabeth. His other feats were the introduction of the pipe into
England and the plug into Ireland.
RAMESES II, an Egyptian king who went about building burial mountains,
statues to himself, and permitting cigarettes to be named after him.
RAPHAEL, a decorator who took paint in its raw state and made it
worth money. Filled walls, principally in Italy, with some expensive
paintings, and, like Angelo, used the Vatican as his studio. Ambition:
Churches with larger walls. Recreation: Painting, art, and canvas
weaving. Address: All galleries.
RECAMIER, Madame, of Paris. Supplied the society column to the
newspapers. To be invited to her salon meant that you would get plenty
to eat, that you were somebody, that you would see somebody, and that
you would have to wear your Sunday clothes. Her R. S. V. P.'s were
always accepted. R. finally lost her money, and with it her friends.
Ambition: The man of the hour. Epitaph: When She Had It She Spent It.
REMBRANDT, Dutch painter who specialized in portraits of old ladies and
Rembrandt. Also brought considerable fame down upon himself by filling a
museum in Amsterdam with tourist-drawing paintings.
REMINGTON, the man who invented a typewriter at which many pretty
stenographers(11) sit.
(11) Ed. Note: Advertisement for the stenographers, not the machine.
REVIEWER, The Book, he is the fellow who said a chef-d'oeuvre like Who
Was Who should be used for ballast.
RHODES, Cecil, a poor boy who saved his money and purchased South
Africa.
RHODES, Colossus of, a giant of antiquity who was not killed by a stone.
He rusted to death.
RICHELIEU, Cardinal, the man who held down the throne for Louis XIII,
and disagreed with the Duke of Buckingham.
RITZ, innkeeper who made hotels in which we all would like to stop, but
cannot. Ambition: Americans and English nobility. Recreation: Visiting
his hotels. Address: Ritz and Carlton. Clubs: Does not need any.
ROBESPIERRE, a French politician who had the opportunity of doing to his
enemies what most politicians would like to do to theirs. Was finally
voted out and down.
ROBINSON, Jack, brother of Sam Hill. He claimed distinction simply
because some people were sufficiently clever to do things before his
name could be pronounced.
ROCKEFELLER, John D., an American who endeavored to drive his camel
through the eye of a needle by giving advice, building churches and
colleges, and squeezing competitors. Like all millionaires, he was born
penniless. R. worked hard, helped the missions out of his $3 a week,
married, and purchased some oil fields. He struck oil. He made it in
a trust. Then he began purchasing colleges to keep young men out of
business. As his wealth increased his stomach and hair wore out. Could
make seven people dizzy thinking of his money. Spent the latter portion
of his life dodging subpoenae servers, and doubling his fortune by the
dissolution of his business. Ambition: More churches, colleges, and less
competition. Also another Supreme Court decision. Recreation: Golf,
the coiffeurs, and telling young men of the futility of competition.
Address: Courts and church. Clubs: Y. M. C. A., when he can spare the
time from his legal and congressional investigations.
ROCKEFELLER, John D., Jr., the little Rockefeller who will have the
fun of spending it. He was a good boy, and told other young men how
fortunate they were in being born poor and all about the fungus which
grows on the root of all evil. Never knew what a good time he could have
with his Dad's coin in Paris. Ambition: To be like father. Recreation:
Sunday school. Occupation: Forming new trusts and enlarging the old
ones. Clubs: Y. M. C.A.
RODIN, August, a Frenchman who did his utmost to fill European and
American galleries with statues at a price which would have made Mike
Angelo a billionaire.
ROJESVENSKY, Admiral, a great Russian admiral and sea fighter who
gloriously defeated the fishing squadron in the English Channel. Later
hit a snag in the Orient.
ROMEO, Juliet's best fellow, who learned that his road to true love
ended in a cemetery.
ROMULUS, Remus' twin. Collaborated with his brother in home life and in
building Rome.
ROOSEVELT, Theodore, nom de plume, T. R., Teddy, press agent, The
Outlook, "I," traveler, teddy bear manufacturer, lecturer, interview
giver, museum collector, "ME," Guildhall orator, dee-lighted, "MYSELF,"
mooser, hunter, band-wagon driver, band-wagon, Panama canal, rough
rider, circus leader, circus, down-with-rafter, and a former retired and
retiring president of the United States. When a young man he spent his
father's money by going to college, shooting lions, and raising a large
family. During the Spanish-American War he employed a troop of rough
riders, stormed San Juan Hill, and got into the newspapers. Made up
his mind he would stay there. R. became governor of New York State with
ambitions. Being a wealthy man, and capable of contributing to the cause
of the Republican party, he was elected vice-president of the United
States. A hand other than his own made him president. Here his newspaper
career really began. R. first opened a three-ring circus in the White
House, wore a rough rider hat, and told the country what a great
president he was. The voters believed him, and did not object to four
years more. During this administration R. successfully advertised
himself, the family, started the Panama Canal, and appointed one William
Howard Taft (see Poor Bill) his successor. R. then traveled through
Africa with a magnificent body guard of photographers and newspaper men.
After shooting a museum-full of specimens, he toured Europe and told the
king how to king and the emperors how to emp. Returning to the United
States he placed his hand in state politics. Fingers were badly burned.
When it came time to elect another president, R. was tired of scene
shifting and yearned for the bouquets of the audience. He girded up
his loins with the robes of sanctity, placed an international Harvester
Trust halo over his head, and proclaimed himself a second Moses who was
destined to lead the children of America out of the Land of the Frying
Pan into that of the Fire. With a mighty army of politicians, who also
wanted to get back, R. started his campaign with such a huge band he
could not hear any others. The fight was based on telling the voters
how easily they had been deceived four years earlier in what he had told
them concerning that "molycoddle Taft." R. was elected by the greatest
majority in history until the ballots were hatched. Later he joined the
ranks of William Jennings Bryan. Publications: The "I" books. Ambition:
To get back into Who's Who and Washington. Address: The Outlook. Oyster
Bay for newspapermen. Clubs: Founder of the Ananias. Epitaph: Same as
Bryan's.
ROTHSCHILDS, the Morgan-Rockefellers of Europe without quite as much
money.
ROY, Robert, a very wicked Scotchman whom we all hope will always escape
the police.
RUBENS, P. P., an artist who realized styles frequently changed, and
therefore painted fat people without their clothes.
RUSSE, Charlotte, a pleasant creature, but one who sometimes caused pain
after a visit.
RUSSIA, T. H. E., Czar of, an anti-bomb loving monarch with modern
subjects and a tenth-century brain. His childhood was spent in a
steel-lined cage, guarded by the army and the fleet. He was crowned in
a bomb-proof church by a thoroughly searched clergyman, only the crown,
the crowner, and the crowned being present to witness the ceremony.
Seldom goes about the country, as he fears the heartfelt expressions of
his subjects. In 1908 he became mixed up with Japan. Is now economizing.
Ambition: Only life. Recreation: Dissolving Doumas. signing death
warrants. Address: Large packages are always opened by the servants.
Send letters care St. Petersburg police department. Clubs: Army.
Epitaph: It Is A Wonder He Did Not Have This Long Ago.
S
SALOME, a celebrated dancer who could fill the largest opera houses
in the world with bald heads, opera glasses, and jealous women. She is
still in Who's Who, and probably will remain there until arrested.
SAM, Uncle, a tall, lean, good-natured rich man who sets paces and
spends his money. Born July 4, 1776, S. Great Britain. Godfathered
by France. Was an impetuous baby. Education: School of experience at
Washington. S. was assisted in early life by a number of men who took an
interest in him. When thirty-six years of age he chastised his mother,
but later became on excellent terms. Went in for land and colonization
business. Succeeded. At the age of eighty-four S. suffered from a severe
attack of internal indiscretion. Recuperated slowly. Later entered the
trust-raising business, and devoted considerable time to politics. In
1897 he spanked a European power, but had to take care of the children
after the incident. S. is either Republican or Democratic. Favors the
former, although once in awhile he desires change. Wore a goatee, long
hair, high hat, a suit made out of the flag, smoked cigarettes, had
bad manners, and used much slang. Publications: Bank notes. Ambition:
Another Republican president. Address: Washington, D. C., U. S. A.
Epitaph: (If he ever gets one he deserves it.)
SAMSON, exponent of hair restorer and an iconoclast. When a young man he
rehearsed his muscles until he could break a chain and lift a fat lady.
Entered the army. Was successful until he became bald. Committed suicide
by pushing a temple on himself.
SANDOW, a pupil of the above, vaudeville star and coin collector. One of
those individuals whom nature has endowed with a magnificent body, and
sufficient brains to make money with it.
SANTOS-DUMONT, a pre-Zeppelin-Wright air investigator who had enough
money and sense to quit before people remarked how natural he looked.
SAVONAROLA, a reformer of Florence, Italy, who succeeded in closing the
cafe's, theatres, and dance halls. He was popular with the masses until
election day. When the opposition returned they made it hot for him.
SAWYER, Thomas, a plain American boy who was rescued from obscurity by
Mark Twain, and became a good salesman.
SCHLITZ, press agent of Milwaukee, U. S. A., who was successful in
advertising himself and his town. In England he is Schwepps.
SCHOPENHAUER, father of race suicide. Lionized by the French Republic
and T. R. Ambition: Empty cribs. Recreation: Trips with his wife and
children. Clubs: Mother's.
SCOTS, Mary Queen of, a Scotch lady who is said to have been beautiful,
who fell in love, and was one of the few women whose less attractive
sister got the better of her.
SCOTT, Walter, a Scotchman who secured fame without adopting the
national characteristics. His critics claim this was the reason he
failed in business. Wrote some books which are read by students and
persons possessing much time.
SEBASTIAN, Saint, the Italian who was shot with arrows and ran second
to the apostles in the number of his portraits exhibited in European
galleries.
SEIDLITZ, powder manufacturer.
SEVILLE, Barber of, a celebrated tonsorial artist who introduced the
marcel wave and the Gillette razor into Spain.
SHACKLETON, Ernest, another pole explorer. He was saved the ignominy of
reaching the desired point by the shortness of rations, but he was near
enough to become a profitable author and lecturer.
SHAKESPEARE, William, the man who was born at Stratford-on-Avon. When a
young man he amused himself by poaching, visiting the Hathaway cottage,
and being the village pest. Married the inmate of the cottage and went
to London, a city in England. S. became an apprentice actor, and was
said to have been nearly as bad an actor as his contemporaries. His fame
later arose due to his growing popularity. He died. S.'s birthplace is
now one of the tourist sights of the world. More post-cards are sent
from this town than from any of its size in Europe. The church where he
lies buried has an immense floating congregation. S. also shared honors
with one Bacon for writing a few plays. Ambition: Present-day prices
in Elizabethan theatres. Recreation: Rehearsals. Address: The World.
Epitaph: (Has been obliterated.)
SHAMPOO, a barber of Shoo Poo, China, who introduced the art of clean
heads into the Celestial Empire. This has since fallen into disrepute in
that country, but is sometimes practiced in other lands.
SHAW, G. Bernard, grouch, truth teller. An English writer who made money
by being honest enough to tell people what they knew. S.'s enemies claim
he would have to work should his theories be put into practice. Believes
in socialism and wants everything. Author of considerable sarcasm,
wit, and divided opinion as to his talents. Ambition: An Americanless
England. Also, sales. Address: Watch bill-boards.
SHEBA, Queen of, an ancient mere woman who matched her brains against
the brainiest man who ever lived. She lost.
SHEM, Noah's heir. Was first officer of the Ark.
SHERMAN, General, secured his fame by marching to the sea and giving a
terse definition of war.
SHERRY, proprietor of a New York restaurant where a person feels wealthy
while at the table and poor afterward.
SHOE, Old Woman of the, one of those anti-race-suicide mothers whose
family caused considerable worry. Ambition: A better job for her
husband. Address: Shoe. Clubs: She did not have time for any, and thus
could not be a suffragette.
SHUSTER, Morgan, an American child who attempted to play the diplomatic
game in Persia with grown ups. Was spanked and sent home. Occupation:
Crying. Ambition: Ambassador to a country without diplomats. Address:
Home.
SHYLOCK. See New York City business directory.
SIMON, Simple, epicurean. Passed an uneventful life with the exception
of an encounter with a confectioner near the fair grounds. The man
operated his business on a cash basis. Simon was broke and no sale was
consummated.
SINBAD, an old tar whose yarns are still on the distaff.
SISTERS, Seven Sutherland, a noted family who held out salvation for the
bald and envy to women.
SMITH, John, the bravest man who ever lived. Smith ate the first
lobster.
SMITH, John, secured his renown for living in every city in the world.
SOCRATES. He helped introduce brains into Greece. Committed suicide.
SOLOMON, King, author, musician, builder, benedict. An old Mormon
who established a record for wearing wedding clothes. When a child he
developed a Boston brain. This grew as the years advanced. At a tender
age he began acquiring mothers-in-law. This caused his subjects to doubt
his acumen. S. thoroughly vindicated himself, and set about building
a city and a big church to hold his family. Wrote a number of popular
songs. His proverbs also had a big sale. Ambition: Just one more wife
and an end to those quarrels in the harem. Recreations: Picnics with
the family. Also was fond of the phonograph. Address: Care the Mrss.
Solomon. Epitaph: Here Lies The Original Man Who Knew It All.
SON, Prodigal, tourist, oat sower, and herdsman. Son of wealthy parents.
Became tired of home and desired to travel. Visited foreign lands and
had a jolly good time. His letter of credit expired. Friends were never
at home after the event. S. had to work. Later he took a bath and walked
home. Father was delighted and gave a banquet in his honor. Unpopular
with his brother. Career: Wild. Satisfaction: Saw something of life.
Address: Home.
SOUSA, John P., American bandmaster who wrote books and shot pigeons
between march compositions.
SPENCER, Herbert, a scientist who believed the human race degenerated
from monkeys, and established the theory that only the survivors are the
fittest.
SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E., a woman who lived years ago in Great Britain
and the United States, who believed that noble man was incompetent,
incomplete, incompatible, incongruent, inconsistent, and an incubus in
his incurious incumbency. She was the daughter of Too Much Time and Too
Much Money. Early days spent at home. She married and began her career.
S.'s first weakness was a club. Then she fell to the level of a speech
maker and a flag carrier. The fanatical desire to see her name in print
led to the adoption of strenuous press-agent tactics. She died fighting.
Ambition: To offset her husband's vote on election day. Recreation:
Parading, windows, bombs, letter boxes, English ministries, and a string
of etcs. Epitaph: Requiescat In Pace. (Also see Mrs. Pankhurst and
Hope.)
SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E. Anti-, still lives, but is dying fast. Belongs to
the moss-back half of femininity. Has serious objection to use of her
head, except for decorative purposes. Was not averse to press notices
and looked with envy on the achievements of the suffragettes in this
direction. Being denied high office in their ranks because of lack of
adequate cerebration, she set up a rival organization where brains were
not requisite. Entertains the utterly absurd idea that all women, except
herself, belong at home with their husbands and children. Where they
belong in the absence of these, deponent sayeth not. Ambition: Continued
parasitic existence. Recreation: Manufacturing evidence and tagging on
behind. Address: Wherever there are suffrage meetings. Epitaph: Alas!
The World Does Move And She Was "Agin It."
SULZER, William, the kettle who called Murphy black. Also the governor
of New York who enjoyed the unprecedented honor of retiring from office
in order that he might be considered a progressive. Motto: Be sure your
sins will get you out. Ambition: To be a martyr to the claws. Diet:
Tigers. Epitaph: You May Air, You May Perfume Your Clothes As You Will,
But The Smell Of Impeachment Will Cling To You Still.
T
TAFT, William Howard, a former fat, and last Republican, president
of the United States who worshipped the trusts, the Constitution, the
Supreme Court, and Theodore Roosevelt. The love he bore the latter
resulted in his election. The two brothers quarreled because Bill would
not step aside and let Teddy run things all over again. The two brothers
fought and another ran away with the election. Principal events during
T.'s administration: Roosevelt's trip, The Outlook, Oyster Bay, Standard
Oil, That election. Ambition: 1916. Recreation: Golf, messages to
Congress. Address: Cincinnati, O. Epitaph: How Sharper Than A Serpent's
Tooth It Is To Have A Thankless Predecessor.
TANGLEFOOT, he was the man who first stuck flies on flypaper.
TANGUWAY, Eva, an actress who did not care even if those on the front
row did.
TENNYSON, Lord, an English poet who turned a perpetual light on a
charging brigade.
TERRY, Ellen, a dear old lady whom the world wishes the footlights might
always shine upon and upon whom the curtain would never descend.
THAW, Harry K., famous lawyer endower. Entered life as the rich son of a
wealthy father. Became interested in the stage at an early age, but only
got as far as the chorus. Later performed on a New York roof garden.
Alienists say he was the sanest crazy man and the craziest sane man
who ever lived. Also obtained some publicity by expensive exploring
in Canada and New Hampshire. Ambition: Wreaths for Jerome. Recreation:
Straightening jackets. Address: See this morning's paper.
THEMISTOCLES, a Greek warrior who fought, but did not run a marathon.
THIRD, Richard the, a king of England who showed how much he thought of
the country by offering to exchange it for any kind of a horse.
THUMB, Thomas, a white pygmy who enriched himself through his
misfortunes and the curiosity of the world.
TIBERIUS, just a Roman emperor who fitted the job.
TIFFANY,(12) of New York City, London, and Paris. Introduced high prices
into the jewelry business. Greatly admired by fiance's and millionaires.
Has gained considerable fame, as his products will pawn on a good
margin. Ambition: A man in love.
(12) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement, as the editor is not an
actress.
TIME, Father, a very old man who has been introduced to everybody. Very
unpopular with the ladies. A great wound and sorrow healer, but unkind
to the old. He went about the world changing babies into men and women,
and placing gray hair and wrinkles where they were never wanted. Author:
Of tears. Recreation: Reaping. Address: Your home. Epitaph: Ad Finem.
TINTORETTO, a Venetian painting manufacturer. Together with P. P.
Rubens he held the record for covering canvas and wearing out brushes.
Recreation: He never had any.
TITIAN, another painter of Venice. His works have always been popular
with the men. They are exhibited in all European galleries, and cause
consternation among clergymen and school teachers. T. certainly could
paint. Ambition: Models. Recreation: Models.
TOLSTOY, a voice out of the dark.