THE HOUSE OF MOURNING
THE observance of mourning is a difficult matter to treat, for
individual feeling enters largely into the question. Still, there are
certain rules accepted by those who would not be made remarkable by
their scorn of conventionalities.
The matter of mourning-cards and stationery has been treated in the
chapter on “Calls and Cards,” and on “Letter-Writing.” A word may
here be added with regard to the letter of condolence. This should be
written to the bereaved person as soon as practicable after the death
for which she mourns. It must not be long, but should express in a
few sincere words the sympathy felt, and the wish to do something to
help alleviate the mourner’s distress. This letter does not demand an
answer, but some persons try, some weeks after such letters have been
received, to reply to them. This is not really necessary, except when
the writer is a near friend of the family. In many cases, a black-edged
card bearing the words, “Mr. and Mrs. —— wish to thank you for your
kind sympathy in their recent bereavement,” is mailed to the writer.
If one does not write a letter, one may send to or leave at the house
of mourning a card, bearing the words, “Sincere sympathy,” upon it.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: ATTENDING A FUNERAL]
The funeral notice in the daily papers is now sometimes accompanied
by the request, “Kindly omit flowers.” To send flowers after the
appearance of such a notice is the height of rudeness and shows little
respect to the dead and none for the family.
If there are more flowers than can be taken to the cemetery, those left
may be sent to the inmates of hospitals, who need not know that they
were intended for a funeral. Those who attend a funeral should dress
quietly, but they need not wear black unless they prefer to do so.
While few persons would be guilty of attending a funeral out of
curiosity, there are undoubtedly some who do. Sensitive people are
growing to realize that the last ceremony for the dead is too sacred
to be shared except with those who are really entitled by close ties
to be present and have signified by personal messenger those whom they
desired should be present.
In attending a funeral one should be prompt, and yet not so far ahead
of the hour set as to arrive before the _final_ arrangements are
completed. At a church or house funeral, one should wait to be seated
as the undertaker or his assistant directs. Nor should one ever linger
after the services to speak to any members of the family, unless one is
particularly requested to do so. One should not expect to look on the
face of the dead unless one is asked to do so.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: CLOSING THE CASKET]
In churches of two denominations it is not customary to have the coffin
opened to the public gaze. It is a pity that this law is not universal,
but it is becoming more common to have the casket left closed through
the entire service. It certainly spares the mourners the agonizing
period during which the long line of friends, and strangers who come
from vulgar curiosity, file past and look on the unshielded features
of the dead. Some one has said that the custom of allowing the curious
who did not know the deceased, and who cared nothing for him, to gaze
on his face after death, seems to be taking an unfair advantage of the
dead.
* * * * *
Many persons prefer a quiet house funeral for one they love, for there
are few persons vulgar or bold enough to force themselves into the
house of mourning, where only those who knew and loved the departed are
welcome. But the method of personal invitation makes the presence of
such people impossible.
At a house funeral the clergyman stands near the head of the coffin
while he reads the service, the audience standing or sitting as the
custom of the special service used demands.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: THE CHURCH FUNERAL]
At a church funeral, the clergyman meets the coffin at the door and
precedes it up the aisle, reading the burial service. As he begins
to read, the congregation rises and stands as the procession moves
forward. When, after the services, the coffin is lifted by the bearers,
the congregation again rises and remains standing until the casket
has been taken from the church. A private interment, or one at the
convenience of the family, is now almost universal. Unless invited, no
outsider, even if he be a friend of the family, will go to the cemetery
under such circumstances.
* * * * *
After the funeral, and when one’s friends have begun to realize sorrow,
is the time when it is the hardest to bear. It is then that the
sympathetic person may do much toward brightening the long and dreary
days in the house of mourning. Flowers left at the door occasionally,
frequent calls, an occasional cheering note, a bright book lent, are a
few of the small courtesies that amount to actual benefactions. Only
those who have had to learn to live with a grief that is almost forgot
by others know what such tokens of thoughtful sympathy mean. All who
count themselves friends should call within a month, always telling the
maid that if the ladies do not feel like appearing they are not to do
so.
[Sidenote: A WIDOW’S DRESS]
The heaviest mourning demanded by conventionality is worn by a widow,
but even she is now allowed to dispense with the heavy crape veil. In
its place is the long veil of nun’s veiling, which is worn over the
face only at the funeral. With it is a face-veil, trimmed with crape,
and a white ruche or “widow’s cap” stitched inside of the brim of the
small bonnet. The dress is of Henrietta cloth, or other lusterless
material, and may be trimmed with crape. Black suède gloves and
black-bordered handkerchiefs—if these are liked—are proper. The widow
seldom discards her veil under two years,—some widows wear it always.
After the first year it is shortened.
It is a matter for congratulation that crape, that most expensive,
unwholesome, perishable and inartistic of materials, is worn less and
less with each passing year. Surely to have to wrap one’s self in its
stiff and malodorous folds adds discomfort to grief. It is now seldom
worn except by widows, although a daughter may wear it for a parent, a
mother for her child.
The matter of the mourning-veil is one each person must settle for
herself, although the strictest followers of fashion deprecate its use
for any women except widows. Some bereaved daughters and mothers wear
it, but not for a long period, seldom longer than six months.
Mourning for the members of one’s immediate family may be worn for a
year, then lightened. Mourning for a relative-in-law is lightened at
the end of three or six months.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: INCONGRUOUS MOURNING]
While on this subject it would be well to call attention to the fact
that one should either wear conventional black, or no black at all.
For a widow to wear, as a well-known woman did recently, a long veil
and gray suède gloves, borders on the ridiculous. Nor should velvet,
cut jet, satin and lace be donned by those wearing the insignia of
grief. Nor are black-and-white combined deep mourning. They may be worn
when the weeds are lightened, but not when one is wearing the strictly
conventional garb of dolor. Even widows may wear all white, but not
with black ribbons, unless the heavy black has been laid aside for
what may be called the “second stage” of bereavement. At first, all
materials either in black or white, must be of dull finish. Dresses may
be of nun’s veiling, Henrietta cloth, and other unshining wool fabrics,
or of dull, lusterless silks. Simple white muslins, lawns and mulls
are proper, but must not be trimmed with laces or embroidered.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: MOURNING FOR MEN]
For men, black or gray suits, black gloves and ties, and a black band
upon the hat, are proper. The tie should be of taffeta or grosgrain
silk, not of satin or figured silk. I would lay especial stress on the
poor taste of the recent fad of wearing a black band upon the sleeve of
a colored coat. The same rule applies to the would-be-smart young woman
who sports a narrow black strip upon the left arm of her tan rain-coat
or walking-jacket. If she can not wear conventional and suitable
mourning, she would better wear none.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: JUDGING THE BEREAVED]
The matter of the period of time in which a mourner should shun society
is a subject on which one may hesitate to express an opinion, as there
are too many persons whose views would not coincide with ours. In this
case, as in others, one must, to a certain extent, be a rule unto one’s
self. One who is very sad shrinks naturally from going into gay society
for the first few months after bereavement. The contrast of the gaiety
with the mourner’s feelings must, of necessity, cause her pain. To
such a one we need suggest no rules. To those less sensitive or less
unhappy, it would be well to say that deep black and festive occasions
do not form a good combination. While one wears crape and a long veil
one should shun receptions, opera boxes, teas and all such places.
Later, as one lightens one’s mourning, one may attend the theater,
small functions and informal affairs. Even the very sad may go to the
theater when they would shrink from attending an affair at which they
would meet strangers and where they would be obliged to laugh and be
gay. After the first few months of the conventional retirement are past
the sufferer must decide for herself what she may and may not do. We
would add, rather as a suggestion than as a law of etiquette, that the
onlooker forbear to judge of the behavior of the recently-bereaved.
The heart knoweth its own bitterness, and if that bitterness can be
sweetened by some genial outside influence, let others hesitate to
condemn the owner of the heart from seeking that sweetness. Those whom
we have lost, if they were worth loving, would be glad to know that our
lives were not all dark.
* * * * *
The seemly custom followed in France of sending to relatives and
friends of the family a letter advising them of a death is not,
unfortunately, known in this country, where we, with less propriety,
advertise our griefs and our gaieties alike in the public prints.