FUNCTIONS
THE rules that apply to a dinner hold good at a luncheon, to which
function ladies only are usually invited, although when served at
twelve o’clock, and called “breakfast,” men are also bidden.
At a luncheon the women leave their coats in the dressing-room, wearing
their hats and gloves to the table. The gloves are drawn off as soon
as all are seated. Just why women elect to sit through an entire meal
in a private house with their hats on is not readily explained and
some independent hostesses request that hats be removed. But if they
are retained, the gloves also should be worn to the table, not taken
off up-stairs, as is often done. When the gloves are long, some women
merely pull off the lower part and tuck it into the wrist, an ugly
habit.
* * * * *
In giving luncheons, hostesses with beautifully polished tables often
prefer to use doilies of linen or lace instead of a cloth. More precise
women never serve a meal without using a table-cloth, but from an
artistic point of view the shining surface of bare mahogany is charming.
Luncheon guests should remember that their hostess may have engagements
for the late afternoon, and not ordinarily prolong their stay after
three o’clock—if luncheon has been at one.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: FORMAL RECEPTIONS]
At an evening reception, the guests ascend to the dressing-rooms, if
they wish, or may leave wraps in the hall, if a servant be there to
take them. When one comes in a carriage with only an opera wrap over a
reception gown, it is hardly worth while to mount the stairs. But this
must be decided by the arrangements made by the entertainers. Before
one enters the drawing-room one deposits one’s cards on the salver on
the hall table. If there be a servant announcing guests the new arrival
gives his name clearly and distinctly to this functionary, who repeats
it in such a tone that those receiving may hear it. The guest enters
the parlors at this moment, proceeds directly to his hostess, and after
greeting her, speaks with each person receiving with her. He then
passes on and mingles with the rest of the company.
* * * * *
An afternoon reception is conducted in the same manner, the only
difference being that, at an evening function refreshments are more
elaborate than at an afternoon affair, and frequently the guests
repair to the dining-room, if this be large. At some day receptions,
this is also done, but at a tea refreshments are usually passed in
the drawing-rooms. A friend of the hostess usually pours the tea and
the chocolate, and other friends are asked to assist. At successful
receptions these ladies do not seek their especial friends among the
guests, but are rather on the lookout for any who may be strange or
timid.
[Sidenote: CORRECT AFTERNOON DRESS]
Refreshments so elaborate that they will spoil the appetite for dinner
are not to be served at afternoon affairs. At the tea proper, only
tea, bread and butter and little cakes are offered. If more than this
is served the occasion is more properly called a reception. In any
case the entertainment given in the afternoon should not take on the
elaborate nature of an evening party and only in provincial communities
is it allowed to do this. Many women in such places do not properly
distinguish between afternoon and evening dress. While a woman may
suitably wear before six a gown slightly low in the neck, she should
not until after that hour wear one that is lower or whose sleeves do
not come to the elbow.
* * * * *
The “high tea” is a sit-down affair, really a very late luncheon. It is
said to have originated in Philadelphia and is, as one would expect,
a formal stately affair with an elaborate menu. The guests have a
delightful time—but do not want any dinner that evening.
[Sidenote: HOW TO REVIVE FLOWERS]
It is useful to know that when on the afternoon of a reception or
dinner flowers intended for decoration arrive from the florist in a
wilted condition they may often be revived by plunging the stems in
boiling water.
At a very large reception it is not now required that one force one’s
self on the attention of the hostess for the sake of taking formal
leave. One may instead depart whenever one is ready to do so.
* * * * *
Music at a reception should not be so loud as to make talking
difficult. In any but the largest houses a harp stationed in a side
room or hall is ample. Foreigners find our babel of voices at such
affairs subjects of criticism but often indeed one must shout if one
is to be heard. Oliver Wendell Holmes is said to have described the
average afternoon tea in four words, thus: “Gibble, gabble, gobble,
git.” It can not be denied that they often merit the satire.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: THE COMING-OUT PARTY]
The “coming-out” party or reception, at which the débutante makes
her entrance in the world of society, is conducted as is any other
reception, but the débutante stands by her mother and receives with
her. Each guest speaks some pleasant word of congratulation on shaking
hands with the girl. Her dress should be exquisite, and she should
carry flowers. These flowers are usually sent to her. When more are
received than she can carry, they are placed about the room. If the
coming-out party be in the evening, it is often followed by a dance for
the young people.
In sending out invitations for such an affair, the daughter’s card is
enclosed with that of the mother, or her name is engraved below that of
her mother on the latter’s card.
One may leave such a function as has just been described as soon as
one likes, and may take refreshments or not as one wishes. Just before
departing the guest says good night to his hosts.
The hour at which one goes to a reception may be at any time between
the hours named on the cards issued. One should never go too early, or,
if it can be avoided, on the stroke of the first hour mentioned. If
the cards read “eight-thirty to eleven o’clock,” any time after nine
o’clock will be proper and one will then be pretty sure not to be the
first arrival of the company.
* * * * *
A card-party is a function at which one should arrive with reasonable
promptness. If the invitations call for eight-thirty, one must try not
to be more than ten or fifteen minutes late, as the starting of the
game will be thus delayed and the hostess inconvenienced. After the
game is ended, refreshments are served, and as soon after that as one
pleases one may take one’s departure.
[Sidenote: SERENITY AT CARDS]
It is surprising how many people, at other times well-bred, quite
lose their tempers at bridge or whist. The scent of a prize seems to
arouse in them a spirit of vulgarity one would not discredit them with
possessing if one met them away from the card table. The only proper
attitude in all games is one or serenity and courtesy no matter what
unspeakable blunders your partner may commit.
* * * * *
The same rule of promptness applies to a musicale. After greeting the
hostess, guests take the seats assigned to them, and chat with those
persons near them until the program is begun. During the music not a
word should be spoken. If one has no love for music, let consideration
for others cause one to be silent. If this is impossible, it is less
unkind to send a regret than to attend and by so doing mar others’
enjoyment of a musical feast.
* * * * *
At a ball or large dance, one may arrive when one wishes. The ladies
are shown to the dressing-room, then meet their escorts at the head of
the stairs and descend to the drawing-rooms or dance-hall. Here the
host and hostess greet one, after which one mingles with the company.
[Sidenote: FILLING DANCE PROGRAMS]
At a formal dance, programs or orders of dance are provided, each man
and each woman receiving one as he or she leaves the dressing-room or
enters the drawing-room. Upon this card a woman has inscribed the names
of the various men who ask for dances. As each man approaches her with
the request that he be given a dance, she hands him her card and he
writes his name on it, then writes her name on the corresponding blank
on his own card. As he returns her program to her the man should say
“Thank you!” The woman may bow slightly and smile or repeat the same
words.
No woman versed in the ways of polite society will give a dance
promised to one man to another, unless the first man be so crassly
ignorant or careless as to neglect to come for it. Should a man be
guilty of this rudeness he can only humbly apologize and explain his
mistake, begging to be taken again into favor. If he be sincere the
woman must, by the laws of good breeding, consent to overlook his
lapse, but she need not give him the next dance he asks for unless she
believes him to be excusable.
A man invited to a dance will properly pay particular attention to the
young ladies of the family whose guest he is, and will not neglect to
ask their mother for one number if she be dancing. A convenient phrase
covering any doubt as to whether a girl or woman wishes to take active
part in the festivities is, “Are you dancing to-night?”
[Sidenote: THE HOSTESS AT A DANCE]
The hostess at a dance must deny herself all dancing, unless her guests
are provided with partners—or, at least, she should not dance during
the first part of the evening if other women are unsupplied with
partners. At a large ball the hostess frequently has a floor committee
of her men friends to see that sets are formed and that partners are
provided for comparative strangers. No hirelings will do this so
skilfully or with so much tact as will the personal friends of the
entertainers.
A young girl may, after a dance, ask to be taken to her chaperon, or to
some other friend. She should, soon after the dance given to one man,
dismiss him pleasantly, that he may ascertain the whereabouts of his
next partner before the beginning of the next dance.
* * * * *
At a small house dance or other informal party the hostess sometimes
provides for the proper attendance for the girls going home but it is
not often wise to depend on this. A girl, if she is going to the home
of an intimate friend, need not have a chaperon, but she should arrange
that some one call for her and thus relieve her hostess of what is
sometimes a trying responsibility. If the guest be a mature woman she
may enjoy absolute independence by taking a cab.
The etiquette governing weddings and wedding receptions will be
explained in the chapters on “Weddings.”
* * * * *
[Sidenote: THE ENGAGED COUPLE]
In our foremothers’ day the publicity of the declared engagement was a
thing unknown. Now, the behavior of the affianced pair and what is due
to them from society deserve a page of their own.
Perhaps the most ill-at-ease couple are the newly-married, but the
engaged couple presses them hard in this line. To behave well under
the trying conditions attendant upon a recently-announced engagement
demands tact and unselfishness. It should not be necessary to remind
any well-bred girl or man that public exhibitions of affection are
vulgar, or that self-absorption, or absorption in each other, is in
wretched taste. The girl should act toward her betrothed in company
as if he were her brother or any trusted man friend, avoiding all
low-voiced or seemingly confidential conversation. The man, while
attentive to every want and wish of the woman he loves, must still
mingle with others and talk with them, forcing himself, if necessary,
to recollect that there are other women in the world besides the one
of his choice. The fact that romantic young people and critical older
ones are watching the behavior of the newly-engaged pair and commenting
mentally thereon, is naturally a source of embarrassment to those most
nearly concerned in the matter. But let each remember that people are
becoming engaged each hour, that no strange outward transformation has
come over them, and that all evidences of the marvelous change which
each may feel has transformed life for him or her may be shown when
they are in private. If they love each other, their happiness is too
sacred a thing to be dragged forth for public view.
It is customary, when an engagement is announced, for the friends of
the happy girl to send her flowers, or some dainty betrothal gift. She
must acknowledge each of these by a note of thanks and appreciation.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: ANNOUNCING ENGAGEMENTS]
It is not good form for a girl to announce her own engagement, except
to her own family and dear friends. A friend of the family may do this,
either at a luncheon or party given for this purpose, or by mentioning
it to the persons who will be interested in the pleasant news. When a
girl is congratulated, she should smile frankly and say “Thank you!”
She should drill herself not to appear uncomfortably embarrassed. The
same rule applies to the happy man.
The conventional diamond solitaire ring is not worn until the
engagement is announced.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES]
The happily married often consider the Great Event of their lives of
sufficient interest to the world-at-large to be commemorated by yearly
festivities.
Cards for wedding anniversaries bear the names of the married pair, the
hours of the reception to be given and the two dates, thus:
_June 15, 1880——June 15, 1905._
If the anniversary be the Silver Wedding the script may be in silver;
if a Golden Wedding, in gilt. Wooden Wedding invitations, engraved or
written on paper in close imitation of birch bark, are pretty. At one
such affair all decorations were of shavings, and the refreshments were
served on wooden plates. The Wooden Wedding is celebrated after an
interval of five years. At a Tin Wedding, tinware was used extensively,
even the punch being taken from small tin cups and dippers. This
wedding marks the flight of ten years of married life.
The reception is usually held in the evening, and husband and wife
receive together, and, if refreshments are served at tables, they sit
side by side. It is proper to send an anniversary present suitable to
the occasion. Such a gift is accompanied by a card bearing the name of
the sender, and the word “Congratulations.” It is customary to send
such a gift only a day or two before the celebration of the anniversary.
An anniversary reception is just like a reception given at any other
time, and rules for conducting such a one apply to this affair. To
repeat the wedding ceremony, as is sometimes done, is in bad taste.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: CHRISTENING PARTIES]
In close sequence to weddings and wedding anniversaries we give a few
general directions for the conduct of christening-parties.
As the small infant is supposed to be asleep early in the evening, the
christening ceremony should take place in the morning or afternoon. As
it is not always convenient for the business men of the family to get
off in the daytime on week days, Sunday afternoon is often chosen for
such an affair.
Every prayer-book contains a description of the duties of godfathers
and godmothers, if one belongs to a church having such. If not, the
father holds the child, and the father and mother take upon them the
vows of the church to which they belong. After the religious service
the little one is passed about among the guests, and is then taken by
the nurse to the upper regions, while those assembled in its honor
regale the inner man with refreshments provided for the occasion.
The godfather and godmother make a gift to the child—usually some piece
of silver or jewelry. This is displayed on a table in the drawing-room
with any other presents that the invited guests may bring or send. It
is the proper thing for the guests to congratulate the parents on the
acquisition to the family and to wish the child health and happiness.
Handsome calling gowns are _en règle_ at a christening.
* * * * *
Refreshments are often served _en buffet_ at home weddings and at
receptions but there is always some awkwardness attached to this
method. To provide small tables for one’s guests to be seated at
is much the better way when it is practicable. You will seem more
hospitable and your guest will be more comfortable. The person who eats
standing always has a catch-a-train look.
[Sidenote: TAKING LEAVE]
If obliged for any reason to leave unusually early at any party, go as
quietly as possible. No hostess likes to have her entertainment broken
off unseasonably.
[Sidenote: THE MARGIN OF MANNERS]
Never hesitate at any social gathering to speak pleasantly to any
one you chance to be thrown with or to respond to any one who speaks
to you, even though no introduction has taken place. In England, few
formal introductions are made,—as the phrase goes, “the roof is the
introduction.” A passing courtesy of this sort commits you to nothing
while it has a broad social value. Never indulge in snubs. If you are
open to no higher appeal, remember that it pays to be civil all round.
James has spoken of “the margin of manners,”—it is a useful asset.
* * * * *
In recent years it has become permissible for the woman who wishes
to give a large entertainment to do it at a club-house or in a hotel
ballroom hired for the occasion. Frequently the room is made more
attractive by the addition of rugs and other furnishings from the home
of the hostess. While the hired hall is a convenience, and to the woman
living in an apartment a necessity for receptions and dances, it can
never take in elegance and the spirit of true hospitality the place
of entertaining under one’s roof. When one sees women of wealth and
leisure resort to it—“Because it saves bother, you know”—one feels
that these women must regard the events of social life as disagreeable
duties rather than delightful opportunities.
* * * * *
With us “Bonnets before six but not after” is the rule, and this is
also the custom in England. But at formal receptions in the evening in
France the hat is retained. The combination of picture-hat and low-cut
gown is particularly attractive and one wishes that American women
would occasionally, at least, copy it.
[Sidenote: HAVE PLENTY OF CHAIRS]
If you give a musicale be sure you provide plenty of chairs. To do
this one must, unfortunately, rent folding chairs and these always
have a slight funereal aspect. But that is better than compelling
people to stand. One wonders why women of large means, who entertain
on a corresponding scale, do not buy several dozen of these chairs and
stain them dark. A woman who spoke of a certain house as hospitable in
appearance, being asked what she meant, answered, “There are so many
places in it to sit.”
A woman who is not willing to take the trouble to be a hostess
should not ask people to her house. In order to make even a simple
entertainment a success it is necessary that there should be a
directing though quiet influence. Some women are too strenuous as
hostesses, others are merely guests at their own parties. Here as
elsewhere there is a medium course that is most to be desired.
[Sidenote: THE IDEAL SOCIETY]
The spirit of an ideal society has been well expressed by Amiel in
his famous _Journal_: “In society people are expected to behave as if
they lived on ambrosia and concerned themselves with nothing but the
loftiest interests. Anxiety, need, passion, have no existence. All
realism is suppressed as brutal. In a word, what we call ‘society’
proceeds for the moment on the flattering illusory assumption that
it is moving in an ethereal atmosphere and breathing the air of the
gods. All vehemence, all natural expression, all real suffering, all
careless familiarity, or any frank sign of passion, are startling and
distasteful in this delicate _milieu_; they at once destroy the common
work, the cloud palace, the magical architectural whole, which has
been raised by the general consent and effort. It is like the sharp
cock-crow which breaks the spell of all enchantments, and puts the
fairies to flight. These select gatherings produce, without knowing
it, a sort of concert for eyes and ears, an improvised work of art. By
the instinctive collaboration of everybody concerned, intellect and
taste hold festival, and the associations of reality are exchanged for
the associations of imagination. So understood, society is a form of
poetry; the cultivated classes deliberately recompose the idyll of the
past and the buried world of Astrea. Paradox or no, I believe that
these fugitive attempts to reconstruct a dream whose only end is beauty
represent confused reminiscences of an age of gold haunting the human
heart, or rather aspirations toward a harmony of things which every-day
reality denies to us, and of which art alone gives us a glimpse.”
[Sidenote: A PERFECT SOCIAL GROUP]
Speaking of a certain soirée, the same writer emphasizes the fact
that the most beautiful social groups are not confined to any one
age or sex. “About thirty people representing our best society were
there, a happy mixture of sexes and ages. There were gray heads, young
girls, bright faces—the whole framed in some Aubusson tapestries which
made a charming background, and gave a soft air of distances to the
brilliantly-dressed groups.”