THE BARBER. Easy, sir, easy! The razor is sharp! (_Shaving._)
When I promised to shave you in five minutes, I didn't say
anything about lathering. That takes several minutes by itself.
THE CUSTOMER. What?
THE BARBER. Now you've done it! (_He applies styptic to a cut on
THE CUSTOMER's face._) Smarts, doesn't it?
THE CUSTOMER. (_Furious_) You clumsy, awkward, conceited galoot!
THE BARBER. (_With sudden and overwhelming rage_) Don't talk to a
gentleman like that! You cur! (_With a sudden resumption of his
obsequious manner._) I did it on purpose.
THE CUSTOMER. (_Gasping_) Wh-what do you mean?
THE BARBER. (_Respectfully_) You really mustn't accuse me of
being clumsy, sir. I'm _not_ clumsy. If I cut you, it was quite
intentional--like this! (_Cutting him a second time._)
THE CUSTOMER. Damnation! Are you crazy?
THE BARBER. (_Applying the styptic_) No, sir, I'm quite sane.
(_THE CUSTOMER tries to sit up._) Oh, don't do that, sir! Don't
do that! My razor is _frightfully_ sharp!
THE CUSTOMER. (_Panic-stricken_) I want to sit up!
THE BARBER. Don't try it while the razor is at your throat, sir.
It is sure to be fatal.
THE CUSTOMER. Then take it away!
THE BARBER. Oh, no, no, no! When I am through shaving you--not
before. Now take it easy, sir. Lie back quietly! Quietly! That's
it.
THE CUSTOMER. (_Controlling himself with an effort, and putting
his cigar in his mouth_) What are you going to do with me? What's
this? A hold-up?
THE BARBER. What am I-- (_With a sudden access of rage._) Take
that filthy thing out of your mouth! (_He snatches the cigar, and
throws it to the floor; continues obsequiously._) What am I going
to do with you, sir? Why, really, I haven't the slightest idea.
Er--can't you suggest something?
THE CUSTOMER. (_Quickly and earnestly_) Listen to me. I must be
at that meeting at once! I can't spare another minute. If I am
not there before three-fifteen I will be ruined--do you
understand me?--ruined!
THE BARBER. You needn't raise your voice, sir. My hearing is
excellent. (_He lathers again, keeping the razor near THE
CUSTOMER's throat._)