MRS. C. Especially as it includes everything except plate, linen,
firing and attendance; but that's not all, Marmy, she vows she'll not
accept a single invitation unless we are included! When I say we, I
mean Caroline, Marmy and me! (_playfully and skipping about, R._)
WOOD. (_aside--after a savage look at her_) There are circumstances
under which a man ought to be allowed to strangle his mother-in-law!
MRS. C. Ah! here comes Caroline, already equipped for travelling!
_Enter MRS. WOODCOCK, R. 2 E., in travelling costume._
Come here, my darling--there! (_pointing to WOODCOCK, who is looking
very sulky_) Look at him, isn't he the very picture of happiness?
Doesn't his very eye twinkle with delight?
MRS. W. Yes. And if I were not so happy myself, I should scold you
well, sir, for keeping this charming, delightful visit to London a
secret from me. (_playfully shaking her finger at WOODCOCK, who tries
to get up a smile_)
MRS. C. He knew nothing about it, my dear, he's quite as agreeably
surprised as you are--ain't you, Marmy?
WOOD. (_sulkily_) Yes; of course.
MRS. W. Why, what a serious tone you say it in!
WOOD. Do I? (_shouting_) I'm delighted! enchanted! There--is that
better?
MRS. W. (_C._) Yes, much better. (_suddenly_) I see how it is--this
arrangement of mamma's may have interfered with some plan or your
own--perhaps you intended taking us to Switzerland?
WOOD. (_quickly_) No, no!
MRS. C. (_knowingly, R._) No, my dear; if Marmy had taken us anywhere
it would have been to Italy.
WOOD. (_still more quickly, L._) No, no, no; in short, I wish it to be
distinctly understood, that having already paid two visits to the----
MRS. C. (_interrupting_) Yes, yes; never mind, Marmy, if you are a
good boy, you shall take us to Italy next year! We'll climb up Mount
Vesuvius together, Marmy--to the very top, Marmy! (_with enthusiasm_)
WOOD. (_aside, after a savage look at her_) Only let me once get her
there, and I'll plunge her headforemost into the crater.
MRS. C. In the meantime let us only think of London.
MRS. W. Yes, dear; delightful London! Remember, this is my first visit
to the Metropolis! You have been there, I suppose? (_to WOODCOCK_)
WOOD. (_forgetting himself_) Ha, ha! I should rather think I have--I
mean, I've passed through it once or twice.
MRS. C. Yes; but only on business.
WOOD. Of course--only on business. (_aside_) What an atrocious humbug
I am!
MRS. C. And therefore it will be quite as much a novelty to _him_ as
to _you._
WOOD. Yes. (_aside_) Novelty! to a man who has had twenty years of it!
I'm in for it--I'm booked for a second innings. Never mind: there's
_one_ point on which they'll find me firm and immovable as Gibraltar
itself, and that is, that having already paid two visits to the----
_Enter MRS. LARKINGS in travelling dress, door R. 2 E._
MRS. L. (_R. C._) Well, good people? but I needn't ask--I see by your
happy faces (_WOODCOCK puts on a grin_) that my plan of the campaign
has met with universal approbation.
MRS. C. (_R._) Yes, we're all charmed with it! Mr. Woodcock
especially! he positively can't find words to express his delight!
MRS. L. (_L. C._) Is it to be wondered at, that having hitherto led so
calm, so tranquil, so sedate a life, (_looking with intention at
WOODCOCK_) he should long to taste the forbidden fruit? ha, ha! My
only fear is, that when he once begins there'll be no stopping him!
ha, ha, ha!
WOOD. (_L._) Ha, ha, ha! (_making a savage face at MRS. LARKINGS,
aside_)
MRS. L. Here, ladies, is a programme I have drawn up of your first
three weeks' "Life in London," (_shewing a paper_) an incessant,
unflagging whirl of dissipation, I promise you. By-the-bye, I quite
forgot to mention that Mr. Larkings has placed his riding horses at
your disposal.
MRS. C. How delightful! I long to be in the saddle.
WOOD. (_aside, and looking at MRS. CARVER_) She'll never stop in it
unless she's tied in, she's too round, she'll roll off, to a
certainty!
MRS. W. (_to MRS. LARKINGS_) And can you, will you indeed fulfil all
your delightful promises?
MRS. L. Yes! not only those I have made to you, but to Mr. Woodcock,
(_with intention, and then aside to WOODCOCK_) namely, not to strip
the "Wild Woodcock" of his borrowed plumes--not to betray him to a
certain lady who turns "very red in the face at the merest trifle,"
provided he promises to think less of himself, and more of his wife;
in other words, that he consents to exchange programmes. (_after some
hesitation, WOODCOCK draws his programme out of his pocket, looks
imploringly at MRS. LARKINGS, who shakes her head--he then gives her
his programme, and snatching hers out of her hand, thrusts it angrily
into his pocket_)
_Enter DAVID, door, R. 2 E._
DAVID. (_announcing_) The wedding breakfast be all ready for the
company, and the company be all ready for the wedding breakfast!
MRS. C. Come along! a mouthful of wedding cake and a bumper of
champagne to the health of the bride and bridegroom, and then--hey for
London! (_DAVID looks very much astonished_) Now, Marmy, your arm to
Mrs. Larkings.
WOOD. (_L. C._) Yes--one moment! (_taking DAVID aside_) David, my
stock of dress coats, ditto trowsers, white neckcloths and patent
leather boots, that I made you a present of----
DAVID. (_L._) Yes, sir, 'cause you said you had done with them.
WOOD. I thought I had--but I haven't! I want them again, David, for my
"second innings." David, (_making a wry face_) you can have the
morning gowns, caps and slippers instead. (_stopping DAVID who is
about to exclaim_) Hush! the morning gowns and caps you'll find in
that drawer, (_pointing to table_) and--(_looking towards the
LADIES_)--here are the slippers! (_pulling out the parcel from under
his waistcoat and slipping it into DAVID'S hands_)