Good form requires that in passing through a door or gate the younger
shall always stand aside for the elder, and that care shall be taken to
open and keep the door, especially if it swings both ways, so that it
shall not hit any one in coming to.
I was once forcibly reminded of this article of the “good-form” code by
seeing a vigorous young college student rush through a door without any
regard to an elderly woman whom he met in the passage, and whom he
almost knocked off her feet in the encounter, leaving the outside door
to swing back against her slender hand as she caught it to prevent its
hitting her in the face. He seemed utterly oblivious to the fact that he
had met any one, and by this unconscious rudeness he published abroad
the fact that he had been reared in utter disregard of ordinary
courtesy. This young man is trying to do what is right; he wishes to do
a good work in the world, but he is destined to feel the handicap of bad
breeding, for which he is not responsible. He will be responsible,
however, for continuance in bad form; for bad breeding may be made
temporary in its effects by an earnest purpose to replace it by true
culture. I knew a young man whose birth and surroundings in boyhood were
as unpromising as could be imagined. His father was a very low,
ignorant, drunken fellow, unclean and disgusting in all his habits, even
when sober. His mother could neither read nor write, although she was
possessed of intelligence and many true, womanly instincts, such as made
it possible for the hovel in which they lived to bear some semblance to
a home. This boy, who was the eldest of a large family, was bright
enough to attract the attention of a “district visitor,” was clothed,
and taken to the Sunday-school, and from thence went on through a career
of self-denial, self-training, and culture, always seeking the best
things, holding every advantage gained from point to point, finishing
his preparatory work as one of the most polished and consecrated young
men of a large college circle, paying his way by skilled labor in a
machine-shop for a few hours each week, while he was being equipped for
a large field of usefulness. He became especially distinguished for the
elegance of his deportment toward all with whom he chanced to be brought
into association. It was often said, “He never forgets himself,” “He
always does the admirable thing,” “You can depend on _him_ to do the
elegant always,” and the beauty of it all was that this was a part of
his Christian life. He was always wanted, but the social world that
coveted him knew that he could not be _had_ for anything that was
inconsistent with Christ.
Teach your boys and girls this principle of deference to their elders,
by example, as well as precept. Bring them up to practise it, with every
other expression of cultivated manners, among themselves as brothers and
sisters. The elder ones should, of course, never demand deference; that
would be the worst of all bad forms. No true lady or gentleman will ever
notice any disregard of personal rights. To demand this recognition, or
to manifest resentment at its omission, is to forfeit one’s claim to it;
but let each be ready to recognize the right of seniority, and that it
is at least graceful for the younger ones to yield place and position to
their elder brothers, sisters, and friends.
A well-bred girl or woman will open and hold the door for an old,
elderly, or feeble man; will enter after him, and close the door
herself, although he, if he has been trained in the habits of the “old
school” of gentlemen, might insist on rendering to her the courtesy due
her sex, and wait for her to pass, even if she should be young enough to
be his granddaughter; but it will be a gracious act for her to
unobtrusively hold the humbler place which properly belongs to her, and
wait until he passes in, unless, as might sometimes happen, she would be
in danger of attracting undue attention by making longer effort to
thwart his courteous designs, as well as possibly cause delay to others.
In such a case she should quietly thank him, and pass on as quickly as
she can without haste, so as to get out of the way.
Among men and women of the same generation it is expected that a man
will be always ready to perform all those little chivalric courtesies
for women everywhere which he would like other men to tender to his own
mother, sister, wife, or special friend, and _no more_. For a boy or man
to treat any other woman of the same age better than he treats his own
mother, sister, or wife, reveals the bad, disloyal heart which will
taint the very best social “good form” with corruption. To demand from
others for one’s personal friends better treatment than he himself
gives, is to at once publish that he is guilty of the most contemptible
form of selfishness.
“I let no man abuse my folks but myself,” was the frank confession of a
young man who was always ready to fight any one who would treat his
“folks” with anything like the neglect and disrespect that was his
constant habit.
The little attentions which should become habits in youth, because they
help to that appearance which will serve as adornment to every good
doctrine, is the placing of the chair in the most comfortable position
possible for another; seating grandfather or grandmother, father or
mother at the table; the adjustment of a light; picking up the article
that has been dropped; not waiting to be asked to help if you should see
that father, mother, or in fact, any one else, is looking for something
which they do not seem to be able to find quickly, or if they are trying
to save your steps by getting along with some inconvenience which you
can see might, by a little effort on your part, be made to give place to
convenience.
Nothing is ever lost “in the long run” by that sort of thoughtful care
for others which is known as politeness. In traveling, or in passing in
and out of a crowded church or hall, the truly well-bred man will never
be found struggling in the midst of a jam to get through the door into
the best seat, or up into the train before any one else. If he should be
caught in a jam, he would not elbow people right and left; but would,
while protecting his own person and those who are dependent upon him
from injury, find his own chance of getting out of the tight place by
helping others out.
In this selfish world nothing so quickly touches the popular heart as
that sort of Christlikeness which is recognized as politeness to
strangers in public places, and as carefulness in helping the weak, and
in refraining from adding burdens to those who are hard-pressed by
responsibilities. The man or woman who obtains control of the highest
quality of influence is the one who has either from childhood been
trained to think those thoughts that blossom out into beautiful
considerateness, or who has taken himself in hand, and by vigorous
self-training has pruned off the growth of selfish heedlessness, and
grafted in the gentler graces of the Spirit.
One W. C. T. U. lecturer had been painfully impressed by the fact that
baggagemen had to handle such heavy trunks. This was before so many
little wheeled contrivances had been placed at their disposal. She
accordingly supplied herself with two small trunks in place of the one
large one, for no other reason than to save the backs of the men. Her
kind intention was kept to herself for years, and it went unrecognized
at its full value until at length one day she encountered a grumpy old
baggageman, who seemed to have a special grudge against any woman with
two checks. He was from the first moment very uncivil, and threatened
her with a charge for excess of baggage. She said but little, only went
quietly along the baggage-room with him, identified the two diminutive
parcels, and waited. He looked at them, then at her, colored like one
who was ashamed of himself, and said:—
“Be them all?”
“Yes, those are all.”
“Well, what made you make two of ’em?”
“That is my way of helping to lift one big trunk,” she said.
“Your what?”
“My way of helping you to lift one big trunk.”
“It is? Well, I never! You did it to save our backs?”
“Yes: I never wanted any old man or boy to strain himself over a big
trunk for me, so I divided mine in two.”
“Well!” ejaculated the grumpy old fellow, who evidently did not know
anything more to say. His whole heart had suddenly mellowed, his eyes
grew red, and his hands trembled as, taking off his cap, he changed
those checks with the air of one who was performing an act of religion.
When he came with the two little bits of metal to the waiting passenger,
still carrying his cap in his hand, and when she took them with a “Thank
you,” and put them in her purse, he looked timidly into her face as if
to see if he could possibly be forgiven. She chose not to make much of
the incident, so she did not seem to notice his perturbation, but with a
simple “Good day,” left the baggage-room. But she knew very well that
that old baggageman would never forget, and would perhaps be kinder to
all the big trunks in the future for the sake of those little twin
products of her kind intention.