FIRST AID FOR THE MAIN STEM
Well, I ain't been adopted yet; but it's the next thing to it. Me and
Zenobia are gettin' to understand each other better every day. And, say,
for a ripe old party, she's younger in her mind than lots of folks I
know who ain't lived half so long. Maybe she did do her first travelin'
up and down Broadway in a horse stage; but that ain't the way she wants
to cover the ground now. What do you think she springs at the dinner
table the other night? Says she's goin' to the next aviation meet and
hire some one to take her up for an aeroplane ride.
"Why, Zenobia!" says Sister Martha, so shocked her white frizzes almost
stand up and wiggle.
That's Martha's cue, all right. She don't seem to get used to Zenobia's
ways, although they've been livin' together all these years. A genuine,
consistent antique, Sister Martha is, who still likes to talk about the
time when Horace Greeley ran for President. Accordin' to her
conversation the last real sensation that came her way was when she
went over to Brooklyn and heard Henry Ward Beecher preach.
But even Martha ain't no worse when you get to know her. She's a
harmless, well meanin' old soul, and I'm 'most beginnin' to believe
she's pretty near as pious as she thinks she is. Anyway, it ain't any
Sunday pose with her. She lugs her religion right through the week,
holidays and all, and spreads it around even. I got it straight from
Zenobia that Martha's even begun ringin' me into her goodnight prayers,
along with the cook and the President.
Also Martha has started in on what she calls my moral trainin', which
she dopes out as havin' been neglected somethin' shameful. Whenever
Zenobia ain't around to interrupt, I get a Jonah story, or a Sampson and
Delilah hair cuttin' yarn pumped into me, and if there ain't any cogs
missin' in her scheme I ought to be buddin' a soul before long.
"Torchy," says she real solemn the other night, "I hope you do not use
profane language. Do you?"
"Well," says I, "when I was on the Sunday editor's door I did used to
think I could put over a few gingery ones; but since I've been with the
Corrugated Trust I've kind of got out of practice."
"Ah!" says she, beamin'. "That is good, very good! Your associations
are better; is that it?"
"Mainly it's on account of Mr. Ellins," says I. "Maybe you never
happened to hear him; but, say, you ought to be there some mornin' when
he limps in with the gout in both feet and a hang-over grouch from the
day before! Cuss! Why, after listenin' to him grow real enthusiastic
once, I got discouraged. What's the use? thinks I."
Well, someway that gives Martha an awful jolt; for maybe you remember my
tellin' how it turns out that her and Zenobia are second cousins to Old
Hickory. She says how she's pained and mortified beyond words to learn
that Mr. Ellins should allow his employees to hear him use such
language.
"Ah, that's all right," says I. "As long as it ain't fired at 'em,
nobody feels bad. Mostly they grins, except now and then a new lady
typewriter who squirms and turns pale. He don't whisper when he's
cussin', Mr. Ellins don't."
"Shocking!" says Sister Martha. "Does--does he do this often?"
"It all depends on how he's feelin'," says I; "but for the past week or
ten days he's been at it pretty reg'lar. I expect he's been havin' a
worse siege than usual."
Oh, me and Martha had a real heart to heart talk that night, and when I
fin'lly goes up to my top floor suite I leaves her fannin' herself and
gaspin' for breath. But she'd asked for facts, and I'd handed 'em over.
How was I to guess what was goin' to be the follow up on that?
Not expectin' anything more'n instructions about some errand or other, I
ain't any disturbed when Piddie comes up to the gate desk right after
lunch next day, lookin' as stern and solemn as if he'd been sent to read
a warrant.
"Boy," says he, "Mr. Ellins, senior, wishes to see you in his private
office!"
"Well, that ain't surprisin', is it, Piddie?" says I. "You don't suppose
we can talk over big affairs like ours out here, do you? Keep your ear
off the keyhole, too!" And with that I goes in chipper and cheerful.
The minute I gets through the last door, though, I feels the frost in
the air. Mr. Ellins, he lets me wait long enough for the chill to strike
in, while he signs a basketful of letters. Then he swings around in his
swivel chair and proceeds to size me up through them gunmetal gray eyes
of his. Say, it was like standin' in front of a searchlight and under a
cold shower, all at once.
"So, young man!" says he. "You have been hearing me swear, eh?"
That's enough for me. Just from that I can sketch the whole plot. And
it don't take me a month to figure out the line of talk I'm goin' to
use. What's the sense in playin' for time when your blue ticket's all
made out.
"Heard you?" says I. "Think I wear my ears full of putty?"
"Huh!" he grunts. "And do I understand that you disapprove of my
profanity?"
"Ah, who's been fillin' you up?" says I. "Why, you're an artist at it."
"Thanks," says he. "And I suppose you felt it your duty to inform my
relatives of the fact? Very thoughtful of you, I'm sure."
"Don't mention it," says I.
"You--you're an impertinent young whelp!" says he, his cheeks gettin'
purple and puffy.
"Ah, don't mind the frills," says I. "Get out the can. I'm fired, ain't
I?"
"No!" he shouts, bangin' his fist down on the desk. "At least, not until
I get through with you. What I want to know is why in blue belted blazes
you did it!"
"Well," says I, "first off I guess it just naturally slipped out; then,
when I saw what a hit I was makin' with Martha--why, I expect I sort of
enjoyed givin' her the details."
Somehow, that seems to graze his funnybone, and he has a struggle to
keep a grin out of his mouth corners. "Humph!" says he. "I--I'd like to
have seen her then. So you went on to describe the general state of my
health, did you?"
"It was you we was chattin' about," says I.
"Fascinating topic, I've no doubt," he growls; "but I hardly appreciate
the attention. Understand?"
"That's breakin' on me gradual," says I.
"Fortunately for you, though," he goes on, "you didn't attempt to lie
out of it. By the way, why didn't you?"
"And her just after givin' you the whole game over the 'phone?" says I.
"Ah, say!"
"Young man," says he, shootin' over the quizzin' gaze, "either you are
too blickety blinked fresh to keep, or else you're too keen to lose;
hanged if I know which! But--er--well, I'll take a chance. You may go
out and report to Mr. Piddie for duty."
"It'll near break his heart," says I.
It does, too. I expect from what he'd heard in the private office that
he was figurin' on handin' me my hat as I was shot out and remarkin'
that he knew all along it was comin' to me. Then there'd be a rollcall
of new office boys, with him pickin' out one more to his taste than me.
But no such luck for him.
"Cheer up, Piddie," says I. "I'll have the warden send you an invitation
when they fin'lly get me right."
Course, I don't make any squeal at the house about my narrow escape; for
I knew Martha only meant it for the best. Next day Mr. Ellins don't show
up at the office at all, and that evenin' Martha is better posted on his
condition than I am. She's been busy on the wire again, this time
locatin' him at home.
"My poor cousin," says she, "is in a wretched state. He has been
overworking, I fear, and seems to be a nervous wreck. That will account,
I have no doubt, for his recent lapses into profanity. He feels rather
ashamed of himself; but perhaps I should make allowances. What he needs
is rest and quiet. Luckily, I happened to know just the place for him
and was able to persuade him to go there at once. He started this
afternoon."
It's called the Wesley Restorium, Martha says, and is run by an old
friend of hers who used to be a missionary doctor in China. He's an
awfully good man, and she's sure he'll help Mr. Ellins a lot. Besides,
his place is only about fifty miles off, over in North Jersey; so Mr.
Ellins could make the run easy in his limousine.
Well, that leaves only Mr. Robert, Piddie, and me to manage the
Corrugated, and we was all bearin' up under the load well enough except
Piddie; when along about two o'clock there's a long distance call from
the Main Stem, and a few minutes later Mr. Robert sends out for me.
"Torchy," says he, "you seem to be elected. The governor wants you."
"Me?" says I.
"Yes," says Mr. Robert. "I don't exactly understand why. He is at a
sanatorium, you know, and we had arranged to send up his private
secretary with the important mail this afternoon; but he says he wants
you. Says you're responsible for his being there--whatever that means."
"I'm on," says I. "When do I start?"
There's a train at three-thirty-four; so that gives me time to chase
around to the house after a grip, then back to the office to gather up a
bundle of late letters, and pike for Jersey City. And at that it's five
o'clock before I'm landed at a little flag station umpteen miles beyond
nowhere. My! but the north end of Jersey has some up and down to it,
though! From what I'd heard I thought the State was all meadows; but
here I am carted in a four-horse bus up the side of a hill that's twice
as tall as the Metropolitan tower.
Say, I never saw so much country spread out all at once before--nothing
but hills and trees, and no signs of houses anywhere. Made me so blamed
lonesome lookin' at it that I had to shut my eyes for a spell. And when
we gets to the top there's a big shack like a new set of car barns,
with hundreds of windows, and big wide veranda all around. It looks as
homy and cheerful as the Art Museum. The lawn is full of rocks and
stumps, and the few little flowerbeds that have been laid out looked
lost and homesick.
Pacin' up and down the verandas, like animals in a cage, was about fifty
people, and over at one end, all by himself, looms up Old Hickory,
lookin' big and ugly and disgusted with life.
"Well!" he growls. "So you got here, eh? Hope you like it as well as I
do. Bring that mail inside."
While he's more or less grouchy, he don't act any more like a nervous
wreck than usual. I take it that he was some tired when he got up here
night before; but that he cut out dinner and turned in for a good
twelve-hour snooze instead. Then he's had a quiet day, and I judge he
was a lot better already.
He's just got well into his letters, when an attendant guy in a white
duck uniform steps in and taps him on the shoulder.
"Well?" says Old Hickory.
"Vesper service is beginning in the chapel, sir," says the gent.
"Let it begin, then," says Mr. Ellins.
"But," says the gent, "it is usual for guests to----"
"It isn't for me!" snaps Mr. Ellins. "You get out!"
And the gent got out.
We could hear 'em singin' hymns and so on for half an hour; but Mr.
Ellins keeps right on goin' through his mail and makin' notes on the
envelops until six o'clock, when a big gong rings.
"Thank heaven! Dinner!" says he. "Come on, Torchy; I'm hungry enough to
eat a bale of hay!" Then he's hardly got into his chair in the dinin'
room before he's snapping his fingers for a waiter. "Hey!" he sings out.
"Bring me a dry Martini right away, and a pint of Chateau Yquem with the
fish."
"Excuse me," says the waiter, "but there isn't anything like that on the
bill of fare. If it's something to drink you want, you can order
buttermilk, which is extra."
"Buttermilk!" snorts Old Hickory. "Say, where's the proprietor? Send him
over here!"
He didn't have to call him twice; for the boss of the Restorium had
heard the row and was glidin' our way as fast as his rubber heels would
let him. He's a short legged, pop eyed, red faced party, wearin' cute
white side whiskers, a black Prince Albert, and a minister's necktie.
"Gently, gently," says he, pattin' the air with his hands and puckering
his mouth. "Remember to speak softly in the dining room."
"All right, Doc," says Mr. Ellins; "but I want a cocktail."
"Tut, tut, brother!" says the Doc, liftin' a warnin' finger and raisin'
his eyebrows. "No intoxicating liquors served here, you know. Now a
glass of nice buttermilk is just what----"
"Bah! Buttermilk!" snorts Hickory. "Think I come from a dairy?"
The Doc does his best to soothe him down and fin'lly persuades him to
tackle his mutton broth without the Martini. It's a good enough feed;
but kind of plain, about what you'd get in one of these Eighth-ave.
joints, four courses for thirty-five cents. Mr. Ellins gets left again
when he calls for a demitasse after the tapioca pudding. Nothing doing
in the coffee line.
"Huh!" he grunts. "I suppose I may smoke, eh?"
"On the north veranda, from seven until eight-fifteen," says the waiter.
"Well, I'll be--blistered!" says Old Hickory.
While he's burnin' a couple of black perfectos out on the smoke
reservation, I roams around the Restorium. It's furnished neat and
simple, with lots of varnished woodwork and a few framed railroad photos
on the walls. In the parlor was four or five groups of women in rockin'
chairs, talkin' low and doin' fancy-work. Most of the men were tiptoein'
up and down the veranda. They was a stoop shouldered, dyspeptic lookin'
lot. Down in the basement in a place labeled "Recreation Room," a couple
of checker games was in progress, and four gents was shovin' weights up
and down the shuffleboard. Yes, it was a perfectly good place to be
quiet in. I could guess why Hickory Ellins had begun to show signs of
bein' restless. By eight o'clock he comes marchin' in and up to the
office desk.
"Where's the billiard room?" says he.
"There is no billiard room, brother," says the Doc, steppin' to the
front. "Here we have eliminated all of those things that might disturb
our beautiful peace and quiet."
"Have, eh?" grunts Hickory. "Then where can I find three others to make
up a bridge game?"
"Card playing," says the Doc, putting his thumb and forefingers
together, "is not allowed in the Restorium."
"Sorrowing sisters by the sea!" remarks Mr. Ellins. "No billiards! No
cards! Say, what the merry Mithridates do you think I'm going to do with
myself from now until twelve o'clock, eh?"
"By referring to the rules of this establishment, Mr. Ellins," says the
Doc, speakin' cold and reprovin', "you will see that the general
retiring hour is fixed at nine-thirty. At nine-forty-five the gas is all
turned off."
"What!" roars Hickory. "Think you're going to put me to bed at
nine-thirty?"
"You are at liberty to sit up in the dark, if you choose," the Doc comes
back at him. "Any guest who is dissatisfied with the manner in which the
Restorium is conducted has the option of leaving."
"Well, say!" says Mr. Ellins, thumpin' the desk earnest, "I am
dissatisfied! Buttermilk and vesper services! Huh! Do you suppose I've
paid two weeks in advance for such a dose? Where's your 'phone?"
With that he calls up New York, gets his chauffeur on the wire, and
orders him to have the car here first thing in the morning, even if he
has to start before light.
"And what is more," says Mr. Ellins, walkin' back to the Doc, "I propose
to buy the rest of this hill and open a real live hotel as close to your
place as I can put it. There'll be something going on in it all the
time, if I have to make everything free, and you can bet your last
dollar the wine list will have something besides buttermilk on it!
There'll be billiard tables, bowling alleys, a dance hall, and a brass
band playing all night. I'll fix your beautiful peace and quiet for
you!"
The Doc, he smiles a kind of sanctified smile and points to the clock.
"In just forty-five minutes," says he, "the lights go out."
That's all the satisfaction Mr. Ellins gets, too; so he takes me in tow
and we beat it 'steen times around the verandas, him stating his
opinions of restoriums in general, Cousin Martha in partic'lar, and now
and then shootin' a sarcastic remark at me. But when he sees the other
victims begin sneakin' off one by one he growls out:
"Well, son, I suppose they'll be locking us out if we don't follow suit.
Get the keys to our rooms."
First off I thought I could have a great snooze; but it's such a blamed
quiet place that I found myself wide awake, with my ear strained to see
if I couldn't hear something. After an hour or so of that, I gets up and
sits by the open window; but as there ain't any moon or any street
lights, it's like starin' down a coalhole.
I was wondering if the country was always as black as that at night, and
what would happen to anyone that strayed out into it, when all of a
sudden I hears a window raised, and way down in the basement under the
dining room I sees a bright light shinin' out. "Hello!" thinks I. "Some
of the help must be bustin' the rules and regulations."
By leanin' out and rubberin' I could look down into the room. And, say,
the shock almost tumbled me out. For there's the Doc sittin' in his
shirtsleeves with four other gents around a green topped table decorated
with stacks of chips. The Doc is just dealin', and before the shade is
pulled down again I had time to see him reach under the lower deck and
haul up a decanter that might have been full of cold tea.
Well, say, I don't do a thing but hustle into my clothes and chase down
the corridor to Mr. Ellins' room. Is he int'rested in the tale? He's all
of that.
"Torchy," says he, "if you can lead me down to that game, I--I'll
forgive you. Perhaps I'll do better than that."
I used up half a box of matches findin' the way; but at last we located
the light comin' through the transom.
"Good work!" he whispers. "Now you go back to bed and enjoy a long
night's rest."
Sure I did--not. I wouldn't have missed hearin' that exchange of happy
greetin's for a farm. And the way the Doc chokes up and splutters tryin'
to explain things was somethin' lovely. He was gettin' himself as
twisted as a pretzel, when Old Hickory breaks in.
"That's all right, Doc," says he. "Innocent little relaxation. I
understand perfectly. Now, what's the ante?"
Well, after that the conversation wasn't so excitin'; nothing but, "I'll
take three cards," or "Raise you two more blues." So I sneaks back and
falls into the hay once more.
At breakfast Mr. Ellins shows up more smilin' and chipper than I'd ever
seen him anywhere before. He puts away three soft boiled eggs, a couple
of lamb chops, and two cups of coffee made special for him. The Doc he
follows us out to the limousine.
"Sorry to have you go so soon, Mr. Ellins," says he, rubbin' one hand
over the other, "very sorry indeed, sir. And--er--about those memoranda
from my assistants. I will see that they are redeemed, you know."
"Those I O U's?" says Mr. Ellins. "Oh, you tell the boys I tore 'em up.
Yours, too, Doctor. I had my fun out of the game. So long."
And for the next four miles Old Hickory don't do much but gaze out on
the landscape and chuckle.
"Was that a bluff about buildin' that hotel?" says I after awhile.
"Well," says Mr. Ellins, "not exactly; but I think I shall present the
Restorium with a pipe organ instead."