LANDING ON A SIDE STREET
It was a little matter between me and Mother Sykes that starts me off to
hunt a new boardin' place. Lovely old girl, Mother Sykes is, one of the
kind that calls everybody "Deary" and collects in advance every Saturday
night. She's got one of them inquisitive landlady noses that looks like
it was made for pryin' up trunk covers and pokin' into bureau drawers.
That don't bother me any, though. It's only when I misses my swell
outfit, the one Benny had built for me to wear at his weddin', that I
gets sore. Course, she'd only borrowed it for Pa Sykes to wear on a
Sunday afternoon call, him bein' a little runt of a gent, with watery
eyes and a red nose, that never does anything on his own hook. And if he
hadn't denied it so brassy I shouldn't have called him down so hard,
right in the front hall with half the roomers listenin'.
"Dreamed it, eh, did I?" says I. "Well, listen here, Sykesy! Next time I
has an optical illusion of you paradin' out in any of my uniform,
there'll be doin's before the Sergeant!"
Then Mother Sykes rushes up from the kitchen and saves the fam'ly honor
by throwin' an indignation fit. I don't know how long it lasted; but she
was gettin' purple clear up under her false front when I slid out the
door and left her at it. Next day I noticed the sign hung up; but I
didn't know which sky parlor was vacant until I strolls in at
five-fifteen Friday night and finds my things out in the hall and a new
lodger in my room.
"Oh, well," says I, "what's a sudden move now and then to a free lance
like me?"
And as there ain't anybody in sight to register my fond farewells with,
I gathers up my suitcase and laundry bag, chucks the latchkey on the
stand in the front hall, and beats it. Not until I'm three blocks away
does I remember that all the cash I've got in my clothes is three
quarters and a dime, which comes of my listenin' to Mallory's advice
about soakin' my roll away in a bloomin' savings bank.
"Looks like I'd spend the night in a Mills hotel," says I, "unless I
find Mallory and make a touch."
It was chasin' him up that fetches me over on the West Side and through
one of them nice, respectable, private-house blocks just below 14th-st.
You know the kind, that begin at Fifth-ave. with a double-breasted old
brownstone, and end at Sixth with a delicatessen shop.
Well, I was moseyin' along quiet and peaceful, wonderin' how long since
anything ever really happened in that partic'lar section, when all of a
sudden I feels about a cupful of cold water strike me in the back of the
neck.
"Wow!" says I. "Who's playin' me for a goat now?"
With that I turns and inspects the windows of the house I'd just passed,
knowin' it must be some kid gettin' gay with the passersby. There's no
signs of any cut-up concealed behind the lace curtains, though, and none
of the sashes was raised. If it hadn't been for the way things had been
comin' criss-cross at me, I suppose I'd wiped off my collar and gone
along, lettin' it pass as a joke; but I wa'n't feelin' very mirthful
just then. I'm ready to follow up anything in the trouble line; so I
steps into the area, drops my baggage, shins up over the side of the
front steps, and flattens myself against the off side of the vestibule
door. Then I waits.
It ain't more'n a minute before I hears the door openin' cautious, and
all I has to do is shove my foot out and throw my weight against the
knob. Somebody lets out a howl of surprise, and in another minute I'm
inside, facin' a twelve-year-old kid armed with a green tin squirt gun.
He's one of these aristocratic-lookin' youngsters, with silky light
hair, big dark eyes, and a sulky mouth. Also he's had somethin' of a
scare thrown into him by being caught so unexpected; but some of his
nerve is still left.
"You--you get out of here!" he snarls.
"Not until you've had a dose of what you handed me, sonny," says I.
"Give it up now, Reggie boy!"
"I won't!" says he. "I--I'll have you thrown out!"
"You will, eh?" says I, makin' a rush for him.
"O-o-o-oh, Aunty, Aunty!" he squeals, dashin' down the hall.
Now, say, the way I was feelin' then, I'd have gone up against a whole
fam'ly, big brothers included; so a little thing like a call for Aunty
don't stop me at all. As he turns into the room on the left I'm only a
jump behind, and all that fetches me up is when he does a dive behind an
old lady in a big leather chair. She's a wide, heavy old party, with a
dinky white cap on her white hair, and kind of a resigned, patient look
on her face. Someway, she acts like she was more or less used to
surprises like this; for she don't seem much excited.
"Why, Hadley!" she remarks. "Whatever is the matter now?"
"He--he chased me into the house!" whines Master Hadley from behind the
chair.
"Did you?" says the old girl.
"Sure," says I. "He's too blamed fresh!"
"There, there!" says she. "You mustn't speak that way of Hadley. He is
only a little boy, you know."
"Yes'm," says I.
"And he was only indulging in innocent play," she goes on. "Come,
Hadley, untie me now. Please, Hadley!"
Say, I hadn't noticed it before, but the old girl is roped solid, feet
and arms, to the chair legs, and it's clear that when nobody was goin'
by for little Hadley to shoot at he'd been usin' Aunty for a target. The
damp spots on the wall behind the chair and one or two on her dress
showed that.
"I won't, unless you'll call Maggie and have her throw him out!" growls
Hadley.
"Oh, come, Hadley, be a good boy!" coaxes Aunty.
"Sha'n't!" says Hadley. "And next time I'll shoot ink at you."
"Now, Hadley!" protests Aunty.
"Excuse me, lady," says I, "but it looks to me like there was something
comin' to Hadley that I ought to tend to. This ain't on my account,
either, but yours. Now watch. Hi, freshy!" and I makes another dash for
him.
Well, he knows the lay of the land better'n I do, and he's quick on the
dodge, so we has a lively time of it for a couple of minutes, him
throwin' chairs in my way and hurdlin' sofas, Aunty beggin' us to quit
and callin' for Maggie, and me keepin' right on the job. But at last I
got him cornered. He makes a desp'rate duck and tries to butt me; but I
catches his head under my arm and down he goes on the rug. I'd just
yanked the squirt gun out of his hand and was emptyin' it down the back
of his neck, with him hollerin' blue murder, and Aunty strugglin' to get
loose, when the front door opens and in walks a couple of ladies, one
old and the other young.
And, say, you talk about your excitin' tableaux! In about two shakes
there's all kinds of excitement; for it seems one of the new arrivals is
Hadley's mommer, and she proceeds to join the riot.
"Oh, my darling boy! My darling!" she sings out. "What is happening! He
is being killed! Oh, he is being killed!"
"G'wan!" says I, gettin' up and exhibitin' the squirt gun. "I was only
handin' him some of the same sport he's been dealin' out to others.
It'll do him good."
"You--you young scoundrel!" says mommer. Then, turnin' to the old lady
who came in with her, she gasps out, "Zenobia, telephone for the
police!"
It's the real thing, too, and no flossy bluff about the lady's grouch.
She's a swell, haughty-lookin' party, and she acts like she was used to
havin' her own way about things. So the prospects begin to look squally.
Not that I'm one to curl up and shiver at sight of a cop. Give me plenty
of room to do the hotfoot act, and I don't mind guyin' any of them
pavement-pounders; but with me shut up in a house where I hadn't been
invited in, and a bunch of excited females as witnesses against me, it's
a diff'rent proposition. This was no time to weaken, though.
"Go ahead," says I. "Double six-O-four-two Gramercy; that's the green
light number for this district. And Uncle Patrick'll be glad to see you.
Tell him you got charges to make on his nephew. That'll tickle him to
death. Maybe I'll have something to say when we all get there, too."
"What do you mean?" says Hadley's mother.
"Counter complaint, that's all," says I. "Your little darling soaked me
first."
"It--it isn't true!" says she. "I don't believe it!"
And here Zenobia comes in with the soothin' advice. She's another
whitehaired old lady, lookin' something like the one in the chair, only
not so bulky and with more ginger about her. "Now, Sally," says she,
"let's not talk of calling in the police over a trifle. Hadley doesn't
appear to be hurt, and possibly he was somewhat at fault."
"The idea!" says Sally. "Why, I saw this young ruffian pommeling him.
And look! Martha is bound in her chair. He's a burglar!"
Oh, they had a great debate amongst 'em, Aunt Martha fin'lly admittin'
it was just a little prank of Hadley's, her being roped down; but she
was sure I had tried to murder him, just for nothing at all. Hadley says
so too. In fact, he tells seven diff'rent yarns in as many minutes, each
one makin' me out worse than the last.
"There!" says his mother. "Now, Zenobia, will you send for an officer?"
Nope, Zenobia wouldn't; anyway, not until she had more facts to go on.
She don't deny that maybe I'm kind of a suspicious-lookin' character,
and says it ain't been explained what I was doin' in there holdin'
little Hadley on the rug; but she don't want to ring up the cops unless
it's a clear case.
"You know, my dear," she winds up with, "Hadley is quite apt to get into
trouble."
"Zenobia Preble!" snorts Sally, her eyes blazin'. "And he your own flesh
and blood! Come, precious, mother will take you home, and you shall
never, never come to this house again!"
"There, Sally," begins Zenobia, "don't fly into a----"
"When my husband's mother chooses to insult me in her own home," says
Sally, "I hope I have spirit enough to resent it!"
Say, she had that and some left over. Inside of two minutes she's
hustled little Hadley into his things, and out they sails to her
carriage, leavin' the makin's of a first-class fam'ly row all prepared.
In the meantime Zenobia is tyin' Aunt Martha loose, and I'm standin'
around waitin' to see what's goin' to happen to me next. Course, I
expects the third degree; but she begins with Martha.
"Now what mischief was Hadley up to this time?" she asks.
And Martha sticks to it that it was nothing at all. He merely found that
old plant-sprayer and discovered that by unscrewing the nozzle it made a
fine squirt gun. To be sure, she had asked him not to use the water from
the goldfish globe; but he just would. Also he'd insisted on locking all
the servants downstairs, and when she tried to amuse him in other ways
he'd tied her to the chair.
But it was just Hadley's innocent fun. He hadn't harmed anyone, even if
he did squirt a little water on the postman and a delivery boy. She had
not minded it herself, and no one had been rude to him until I'd come
chasing in and handled him so rough. That was an outrage, and Martha
thought I ought to get a life sentence for it.
"Humph!" says Zenobia, turnin' to me. "Now, young man, what have you got
to say?"
"Ah, what's the use?" says I. "You've got the whole story now. I'd do
the same again."
"Relying on the fact that your uncle is a police captain?" says she.
"Nah," says I. "That was hot air."
"There, Zenobia!" says Martha. "I told you he was a bad boy."
"Are you?" says Zenobia.
"Well," says I, "that all depends on how you size me up. I ain't in the
crook class, nor I don't wear any Sunday-school medals, either."
"Who are you?" says she.
"Why, just Torchy," says I. "See--torch, Torchy," and I points to my
sunset coiffure.
"But who are your parents?" she goes on.
"Don't own any," says I. "I'm a double orphan and rustlin' for myself."
"Where do you live?" says she.
"Why," says I, "I don't live anywhere just now. I'm movin'; but I don't
know where to."
"I suppose that is either impudence or epigram," says she; "but never
mind. Perhaps you will tell me where you work?"
"I don't work at all," says I. "I'm head office boy for the Corrugated
Trust, and it's a cinch job."
"Indeed!" says she. "The Corrugated Trust? Let me see, who is at the
head of that concern?"
"Say," says I, "you don't mean you never heard of Old Hickory Ellins or
Mr. Robert, do you?"
She kind of smiles at that; but dodges makin' any answer.
"Well," says I, "do I get pinched, or just given the run? Either way,
I've got some baggage down by the area door that ought to be looked
after."
"Why, certainly, I will have it----" then she stops and looks me over
sort of shrewd. "Suppose," she starts in again, "you go and get it
yourself?"
"Sure!" says I, and it ain't until I'm outside that I sees this is just
her way of tryin' me out; for I has a fine chance to beat it. "Nix!"
thinks I. "I might as well see this thing through and get a decision."
So back I goes with the suitcase and laundry bag. She hadn't even
followed me to the door.
"Ah!" says she, lookin' up. "You weren't afraid to come back, then.
Why?"
"Oh, I guess it was because I banked on your givin' me a square deal,"
says I.
That gets a grin out of her. "Thank you very much for the compliment,"
says she. "I may say that the inquisition is over. However, I should
like to have you remain a little longer, if you care to. Won't you leave
your things in the hall there? Your hat and overcoat too."
"Zenobia," says Martha, wakin' up, "surely you are not going to----"
"Precisely," says Zenobia. "I am going to ask him to stay for dinner
with us. Will you?"
"Yep!" says I. "I never let any free eats get by me."
"But," gasps Martha, "you don't know who he is?"
"Neither does he know us," says Zenobia. "Torchy, I am Mrs. Zenobia
Preble. This is my sister, Miss Martha Hadley. She is very good, I am
very wicked, and we are both women of mature years. You will probably
find our society rather dull; but the dinner is likely to be fairly
good. Besides, I am feeling somewhat indebted to you."
"It's a go," says I, "if I can have a chance to wash up first."
"Of course," says she. Then she gives me a key and directions how to
find a certain door on the third floor. "My son's quarters," she goes
on, "that I have kept just as he left them twenty years ago. I shall
expect you to make yourself quite at home there."
Do I? Why, say, it's a back joint such as you might dream about: two
rooms and bath across the front of the house, guns and swords and such
knickknacks on the walls, a desk, a lot of books, and even a bathrobe
and slippers laid out. Say, while I was scrubbin' off some of the
inkstains and smoothin' down my hair with the silver-backed brushes I
felt like a young blood gettin' ready for a party.
Then after awhile I strolls down to the lib'ry and makes myself to home
some more. It's a comf'table place, with lots of big easy-chairs, nice
pictures on the wall, and no end of bookshelves. The old ladies has
cleared out, not even lockin' up any of the curios or sendin' a maid to
watch me.
And when it comes to the feed--why, say, it's a reg'lar course dinner,
such as you'd put up a dollar for at any of these high-class table dotty
ranches. Funny old china they had too, and a big silver coffeepot right
on the table. The only bad break I makes is just at the start, when I
dives into the soup without noticin' that Aunt Martha has her head down
and is mumblin' something about bein' thankful.
"Never mind," says Mrs. Preble. "We aren't included in this, anyway."
That begins the talk. I ain't put through the wringer, you understand,
but just follows Zenobia while she goes from one thing to another,
givin' her opinions of 'em and now and then callin' for mine. We got
real chatty too, and once in awhile she stops to laugh real hearty,
though I couldn't see where I'd got off any crack at all.
Near as I can make out, Zenobia is a lively old girl for her age. She's
seen all the best Broadway shows, knows what's goin' on in town, and
reads the papers reg'lar. Also it comes out that she don't follow the
kind of programme you generally look for antiques to stick to. She ain't
got any use for churches, charity institutions, society, or the
suffragettes. All of which seems to shock Sister Martha, who don't say
much, but only shudders now and then.
"You see, Torchy," says Zenobia, droppin' two lumps into her demitasse,
"I am an unbeliever. I don't even believe in growing old. When I hear of
other persons who have come to disbelieve in established things, no
matter what, I send for them and find out all about it across the dinner
table. We discuss art, religion, politics, goodness knows what. We
denounce things, from the existing social order, to the tariff on
stockings. My sister, who believes in everything as it is, usually takes
a nap and snores."
"Zenobia!" says Martha.
"Oh, not in a disturbing way," says Zenobia. "And I'm sure I almost do
the same whenever your friend the rector is here. Torchy, have you ever
been talked to about your soul?"
"Once when I drifted into a mission a guy sprung that on me," says I.
"Yes?" says Zenobia. "What then?"
"I told him to go chase himself," says I.
Hearty chuckles from Zenobia, while Sister Martha turns pale and gasps.
Next thing I know I'm tellin' Mrs. Preble about my fallin' out with
Mother Sykes, and how I guess I'd better be pikin' up to engage a
thirty-cent room until I can draw on my reserve and locate a new
boardin' place.
And, say, what do you guess that conversation leads up to? Well, it
struck me all in a heap at the time, though I didn't let on; but I
couldn't figure out the answer until I'd had a talk with Mr. Robert next
day.
"Say, Mr. Robert," says I. "You don't happen to know an old party by the
name of Zenobia Preble, do you?"
"I do," says he. "It isn't exactly an accident, either. She is a cousin
of my father."
"Gee!" says I. "Cousin to the old--to the boss! Wh-e-ew!"
"Rather an original old lady, Zenobia," says Mr. Robert. "And I
understand, from a talk I had with her over the 'phone early last
evening, that she was arbitrating the case of a young man who was in
some danger of arrest in her home. How did it come out, Torchy?"
"Ah, say, you're on, ain't you?" says I. "Well, it was a verdict for the
defense, because I promised to do it again if I ever got the chance."
Mr. Robert grins. "That grandson of hers is certainly a holy terror,"
says he. "You and Zenobia parted friends, then?"
"Not yet," says I. "We ain't parted at all. I'm stayin' as a trial
boarder."
"What!" says he, sittin' up. "Oh, I see. An experiment in practical
sociology, eh?"
"Maybe that's it," says I. "Anyway, it depends on whether or not I can
stand Aunt Martha."
And when I leaves Mr. Robert he still has his mouth open.