The greatest mistake a girl can make is to allow familiarities
from men. A girl must be circumspect in her conduct. She must be
self-respecting. Having a proper self-respect and being a prude are two
different things. A man never likes a prude. He never, in his heart,
cares for one who has no self-respect. A man, of a certain class, will
pay her attention and take advantage of the liberties she allows, but
he never marries her.
You are not safe if you allow the least digression from the right path.
A slip once made can never be recalled, and the second follows very
easily on the first. Then comes the third, and so on, till ruin is the
end for you--not for him.
It is a girl’s own fault if she fall. It is her place to guard her
honor.
You will meet many a man who is lover-like and fascinating, but if he
says nothing about marriage, leave him alone. You do not want to hear
of love, if that is all he has to say. Never mind if you do love him.
If he loves you and finds he cannot possess you otherwise, he will want
to marry you.
Beware of the beginning. Be careful of your conversation. Never smile
at a joke with a double meaning. Meet it with silence. Do not pretend
you do not understand if you do: there are men who would take pleasure
in enlightening you. There are times when it is well to show that you
do not approve of it; you may even have to rebuke it. Thereafter avoid
that man. If he cares to continue your friendship, he will know how he
must behave himself.
Never let a young man repeat a story to you that he would not repeat
if your mother were present. A man who would do that, means no good
to you. An old and excellent rule is, never talk about anything to a
man you would not talk about before a third party; and never talk to a
girl as you would not talk if a man were present. Never say anything to
either which you would not repeat to your mother. A well-known writer
has lately said: “It is always a mistake for a young girl to talk
to a man as if she were _blasé_ and widely experienced in all human
emotions, frailties, and faults. Many inexperienced, innocent girls
adopt this manner, thinking it will render them fascinating in the eyes
of men. Men take us for what we seem, not for what we are. The most
hardened _mondaine_ who wears a mask of frank innocence fares better
with them than the good, sweet-hearted girl who puts on _blasé_ airs
and pretends to be a little wicked.”
Let your heart be pure. Keep your lips pure. God can make and keep them
so. He can take away all interest in sin.
Never make an appointment with a young man of which you cannot tell
your mother. When a young man urges you to deceive your mother, he
means to deceive you. Your mother is your best friend; make her your
confidante in all things, then you will never go astray. On the first
approach of familiarities, consult her and be guided by her advice.
Men do not have to be told: they know what girl they may approach
familiarly and what one they must treat with respect. You may be sure
there is something wrong in your conduct if you are approached as you
do not wish to be.
Be careful not to call a man by his first name unless he is a relative.
A well-bred lady will not even address a man thus whom she has known
in her childhood. Do not allow a man to call you by your first name.
You can easily show by your manner that it is distasteful to you. Check
even the liberty of your Christian name with the prefix Miss. Although
you may have an older sister, you have a right to your father’s name.
If you cannot be Miss Jones, you can be Miss Mary Jones.
When you are out walking with a gentleman, do not allow him to grasp
your elbow. Some men do this instead of offering the arm. He is
ill-bred if he attempts it. It is too familiar altogether, and is
becoming too common. A polished gentleman will not do it. He will offer
his arm.
Beware of allowing a caress from a man to whom you are not engaged.
Stifle in the beginning any attempt to do so. Do not so much as allow
him to hold your hand. No matter if you do like him, and if his warm
grasp does send the happy blood to your heart, it is a happiness you
have no right to--neither has he, until he has spoken. Sometimes these
things, small as they seem, are but the first step on the broad path
that leads to destruction. Perhaps you like as much to feel that strong
arm about you as he does to put it there. It is in his power to make it
right to do so; it is not in yours, so refuse it. Believe me, you will
gain nothing by it, and may lose all. If a man finds he cannot embrace
you unengaged, he will take steps to be engaged to you if he loves you.
Poor child! You allow it because you love him. It may be anything but
love for you and your good that prompts his action. A man rarely binds
himself to a girl who allows his caresses without it. Another thing,
while you are treasuring up this caress as a closely-guarded secret,
he is doubtlessly telling his comrades what liberties be can take with
you. That is too true. The indiscretions which a girl will hide, he
will boast of--it is a man’s nature. He judges you by himself, too.
He knows that he kisses other girls when he can get a chance, and he
supposes that you allow other men’s caresses. A man cares more for the
caress than for the girl. When he is not genuinely in love, one girl
will do almost as well as another. He supposes it is the same with you.
He argues that if you are cheap to him, you will be cheap to other men.
“Never speak of love till your lover speaks of marriage,” is a good old
rule. Men do not talk much about marriage to a girl who will profess
her love before he asks her to be his wife.
Be careful to whom you give your photograph. Like figures, they cannot
lie. If you have given it, you cannot deny doing so: it is there, a
fact, in the young man’s possession--he may show it to whom he pleases.
He generally pleases to show it to all his male friends. It is another
thing which cheapens you. Your picture is one of a collection he has of
girls. Maybe for a while, when exhibiting his gallery of beauties, he
may call you his best girl. He does it all lightly, and as the young
men look over the collection, they will make remarks about you all
which, if you heard them, would make you blush. If a girl has no more
respect for herself than to give a picture to every man who asks for
it, you must not expect men to respect her. It is no sign a man loves
you because he asks for your picture. If he does, let him ask for you
first. He more likely wants to enlarge his collection of photographs.
If you went into his room, you would see it stuck up in his mirror with
a dozen or so of others.
It is a mistake to imagine that an engagement breaks down all barriers.
Engagements are so frequently broken. Instead of being almost as
sacred as marriage, they are held lightly. You must continue after
your engagement to be careful of your conduct and not to allow any
undue liberties. Do not let your lover’s caresses be too frequent or
passionate. Some young people act as if they only become engaged so
they might kiss each other--they spend all their time at it when they
are alone. Some of these things are sweeter if they are waited for.
Couples who are parted during their engagement generally are the most
happy when they are married. They have not exhausted their affection;
instead of its being an old story, it is fresh.
If it were worth the while, I would advise you not to sit on a man’s
lap till you were his wife. It is quite customary with lovers, I know;
but it seems to me to be letting down bars which should be left up.
Engagements are so easily broken that there should be stricter lines
drawn. Surely no true woman who has entered upon her second engagement
wants to remember how she sat on the lap of the first betrothed. While
there is no harm in so doing, you will be on the safe side not to.
It is wrong to take money from your betrothed. If you live on dry
crusts and work till you drop, refuse it. Be married in calico rather
than have his money buy your wedding-dress. Sometimes girls will urge
a speedy wedding-day. You have no more right to do that than you have
to ask him to marry you--the two go together. If he is too slow and
you know of no reason why he should be, he does not care much for
you; you had better break the engagement. However, if your heart would
break with the engagement, try to make him more anxious to have you all
to himself. It is not a girl’s place to be eager for the marriage. If
you are self-supporting and want to marry him because you are tired of
working, you wrong him. No matter what reason you may have for wishing
an early marriage, it is never your right to propose it.
Attentions from a married man are blasting to a girl’s reputation. No
matter how fascinating he is, how much you admire him, how much you
like his attentions, refuse to accept them. He is desecrating the most
sacred ordinance, marriage. He is insulting you and wronging his wife.
Eventually he will return to her, leaving you with a tarnished name.
His wife will forgive him, and society will forget he went astray; but
his wife will never forgive you, and society will never forget it.
You will always be spoken of as the girl that was “crazy after him.”
It will stand in the way of a marriage for you. Men do not care to
marry a girl who has been talked about, or whose name was coupled with
a married man’s. You lose everything by it, almost your character.
There is no such food for gossip as the attentions of a married man to
a girl. They suspect you are not all you ought to be, they have good
reason to do so. They may think if you will encourage a man to trample
on his marriage vows, you would trample on your own. You are condemned
by every one.
Your vanity may lead you to feel a degree of triumph in winning a
husband from a wife. It is no triumph, however, to do so. The man who
will be so won is in most cases extremely weak and decidedly untrue.
It is not that your attractions are superior to hers, it is that he
is fickle, and you were the first girl who accepts his unlawful love.
Instead of being a triumph, it is a sin. Instead of being a subject
for boasting, it is something to be ashamed of. Instead of encouraging
him for one moment, flee from him. Instead of looking upon him as your
lover, consider him your worst enemy: an enemy who for the selfish
indulgence of the time would ruin your whole life. In this world of
sin and sorrowful consequences of sin, you cannot be too careful of
yourself, your conduct, and your associates. If a man is known by the
company he keeps, much more is a girl. Much misery will come from one
imprudent, maybe innocent, act. A trifle may sometimes be what starts
you on the road to destruction. That road is broad, and very enticing
to some; but the end is death. Never drink with a man. The pity of it
that this should have to be written down! There is a class of girls who
aim to be a little fast. They think they make themselves attractive to
men by keeping pace with all their sins. They think men will like them
if they have a “good time” with them. They call this a “good time.” It
is an unmitigated bad time; a time that will make you and him bad too.
You will fail in your object, for you will not attract him. It is a low
man who will care for a girl who cares so little for herself.
Instead of drinking with a man, keep him from doing so. Your power
over men is very great, girls; it is much greater than you think. You
can make him good or bad, if he loves you. If he is only your friend,
you can help him withstand temptation and turn him from wrong. Try to
exhibit the ideal woman always. Let your character be so elevated that
you will raise the man who walks beside you. Be a pure, true girl, and
he will be a better, purer man. The very thought of you, as he goes out
into a sinful world and meets temptations of which you are ignorant,
will be a shield to him. Next to the strength God can give him, will be
the remembrance of your goodness and purity. He will, for your sake,
abhor things which before had a fascination for him.
Always be wrapt in a cloak of sweet maidenly reserve and dignity.
Then no tongue can assail you, no man will dare to offer you any
familiarity; the conversation and conduct of men will take a better
tone in your society.
Try to make every man you meet, even a passing acquaintance, better.
Resolve that you will know no man whom you will not influence decidedly
for good. So act that when you look back in after years you can
honestly say that you tried to make every man whom you knew well, a
Christian. So strive to lead young men to Christ that you will see the
fruits of your efforts dotted all along your path of life. Let every
man whom you know be able to say, as he looks back, “I have been a
better man for knowing her.”
In all your intercourse with men, do everything to ennoble and nothing
to lower his character. “Let him see that you are a true woman and a
Christian: one whose life is beautiful in its maidenly dignity and
attractive loveliness.”