Leaving matrimony out of the question, it is desirable for a girl to
aim to be a favorite with men generally. She should be a girl whom all
men like, whether or not that liking ripens into a feeling more tender.
Then she always stands the chance of its so ripening. Many a man goes
through life till he has made a success of his business without giving
a thought to marriage. When he is ready to marry, he looks about him
without any sentiment often to see whom of his lady friends he would
like for a wife. Ten to one he hits upon a girl whose character has
called forth his friendly admiration. This once settled he straightway
falls in love with something to build upon. Widowers will frequently
marry a girl of whom they thought well when the wife was yet living.
Mere beauty counts for less in the long run than is generally supposed.
It has less power in determining matrimonial choice than you would
think. Its first effects are too strong in proportion to its other
effects. It is seen at once, and instead of growing upon the beholder,
its power rather lessens as it becomes familiar. The two most beautiful
girls I ever met are now old maids. The most winning girl I ever
knew had absolutely a plain face. There was a charm about her which
attracted all men, and which made them swear, after they knew her, that
she was a most beautiful creature. Even after she had refused a man, he
loved and admired her.
You all want to look as pretty as you can, but you must not place
any dependence upon beauty to settle you in life. Many men prefer
stylish girls to pretty ones. Look about you at the married women of
your acquaintance. How few of them are pretty now, or were in their
youth. Two of the worst wives I have ever known are pretty women.
Their husbands made the mistake of marrying for beauty. A vain girl is
generally selfish, and men do like an unselfish girl. A man wants an
unselfish wife.
If you wish men to admire you, you must first be a true woman with
a noble character. Look to your home-life. Men catch glimpses of
that when you least think it. They know well that an industrious,
sweet-tempered, unselfish daughter makes an industrious,
sweet-tempered, unselfish wife. A girl of whom her brother is very
fond, and whose special friend she is, goes into the society of men,
where it is known, with a wonderful recommendation. As a general thing
you can tell how a girl will treat her husband by the way she treats
her brother. I once knew a young man who asked a girl to marry him
because he saw her tender, loving solicitude for her brother.
Men like bright girls. Even the most sober prefer a jolly, laughing
girl. As I once heard a man say about a very merry one, “Think of
having such a creature always in your home! You wouldn’t have much
chance for blues.” I knew a wonderfully homely girl who was so jolly
that men surrounded her wherever she went. Men like a good time,
and a lively girl will give it to them. If you cannot all be jolly,
you can be bright, talkative, and interested. Jolly girls are never
sentimental. A man hates a sentimental girl. Sentimental looks, long
faces, teary expressions are only attractive in novels. Men, out of
books, do not like to wipe away tears--they prefer to walk away from
them. Never forget that a man is a selfish being. Keep that little fact
in view continually; and if you want to please him, pander to it. If
anything will disgust a man with a girl, it is to see her make a fuss.
Even if you have real heart-sorrow, the more you control yourself,
the more you will be admired. Remember you look your very worst when
you cry. The tears do not “well up,” and “overflow,” “chasing each
other down your alabaster cheeks like so many pearly drops,” as they
do in novels. No: your face squints up, while your eyes and nose get
red. Instead of being attractive, unless the man for whose benefit you
have gotten up this scene loves you, he will walk away. It is manlike
to walk off at the first sign of a storm, and to avoid everything
uncomfortable. Bear that in mind. When you treat a man to a scene on
any subject, you lose your hold upon him. Ten to one he will leave you
to seek the society of some lively girl who is wise enough to hide her
tears.
A man likes a sensible girl. He likes real good common sense. Nothing
is more trying than an unreasonable woman, and a man will not have
anything to do with her when he does not have to do so. He may be
politely pleasant to her, but he does not care to have her for his
wife. To be sure plenty of unreasonable, trying women are wives.
(I would they were not!) They had the faculty of hiding their real
character before the binding vows were spoken. It is better to have
nothing to hide. Be your honest true self always. If you are naturally
endowed with common sense, try to cultivate it. Learn to be reasonable,
and try not to be governed by your feelings. A man never cares for a
girl whose feelings and not duty are her guide. Bear in mind that I
am not talking about the man who is in love with you, but the one who
views you calmly but may sometime love you.
Men like good-natured girls. I know two sisters, the eldest of whom is
quick-tempered, resentful, ill-spoken, and is over thirty without a
gentleman friend. She never had one. The younger, not yet nineteen, is
good-natured and lively. All the men who know her like her. One man, in
fear of her being carried off by some one else, has secured her promise
to marry him.
A man likes to feel that the wife he takes to his home is going to
brighten that home. He does not want a high temper to contend with. A
girl never shows off to a worse advantage than when she is angry. Men
are attracted by sweetness of disposition. No greater compliment could
be paid to any woman than is paid to the Princess of Wales when she is
called Her Royal Sweetness. Directly we hear that, we are drawn to her.
Sweetness of mind and manner is woman’s greatest charm. A sweet woman
is beloved by every one. It is woman’s province to be sweet. Gail
Hamilton says, “It is the first duty of woman to be a lady.” I say, it
is her first duty, after being a Christian (which is certainly first
of everything), to be sweet. She says to be a lady is more than to be
a prince. Let me add that to be Her Royal Sweetness is more than to be
Her Royal Highness. We all are won by a sweet manner. A sweet smile
will even draw us to a stranger. It can be yours if you will cultivate
it. Begin at home. Lay the foundation there. Be sweet at heart. Do
not put on gracious smiles and winning ways for the outside world
only. If they are not natural, you will be caught tripping sometimes.
Circumstances may arise when you will show the man whom you are the
most anxious to win what you truly are. Although that will be a good
thing for him, it will be bad for you. Be genuine. Counterfeit is
detected in the long run. I know a woman who outside is the very ideal
of sweetness, but who is a perfect demon at home. She won her husband,
whom she now drives almost to madness, by that assumed sweetness. In
spite of smiles and graciousness, she is the most friendless woman I
know. The world demands genuine coin, and will detect counterfeit.
So begin at home to be sweet, and unconsciously it will become your
natural manner. You will not have to assume it: it will be your own.
A girl may be more than plain, even homely, but if her manners are
gentle, her voice sweet and low, her bearing womanly, her power is
wonderful. A charming smile unlocks many a door which is barred to a
stiff, ungracious manner. A charming smile warms every one it greets.
It is particularly winning to a man. It has in it a welcome which
fascinates him, and brings him to you again. A gracious, sweet manner
is of more account in winning your way with the sterner sex than
millions. More girls are married for their sweetness than for their
money. A charming, bright greeting, will sometimes engage a man’s
interest or attention on the spot.
“Be courteous” at all times. “Be courteous” under all circumstances
even the most trying, in your family, among friends, and with
strangers. I remember it was said of a sweet girl at school, “She would
be polite to Satan himself if he came to her room.” I almost believe
it. I once heard a truly sweet girl say, “I was so provoked;” when
another girl broke in, “I don’t believe that. Any one knows that you
cannot get provoked.”
Sensible men like an economical girl. A man does not want to feel that
after marriage all his money, especially if he does not have much of
it, is going to be wasted.
Men like healthy girls. A man hates to hear a woman complain. He is
not sympathetic. Men rarely are; but then you must take them as you
find them, not as you would have them. Just there lies the secret of
some girls’ failure to attract; they have no patience with a man’s
imperfections, and are unwise enough to allow him to see that they have
discovered them.
Men like girls who are hearty and who have a hearty interest in things.
A real live girl is always a favorite. A man avoids a sentimental girl.
Do not quote poetry. Do not look languishing. Do not model your conduct
after the heroines of novels. Study real life, and be real. Do not
expect anything to occur to you as it does to girls in novels: it never
will.
Do not exact too much attention. A man hates to give it where it is
exacted, even when it is your right. It is their way to pay it only
when they feel like doing so. A man never wants to be controlled.
Before he is in love, he is particularly alive to any effort to do so.
When he is in love, he is more blind to it; but even then it is not
well to press it.
To be thoroughly attractive you must have a great deal of tact. Tact
has been called the supremest weapon in a woman’s hands. Without it,
she is helpless. With it, she is powerful. Tact will enable you to see
just what to do, how to do it, what to say, and how to say it. Men are
not all alike. What will please one may not please another. They are
all built on the same general plan, however, and if you know one well,
you know pretty much all there is to be known about the whole sex. Yet
different lines of conduct are to be pursued with different men. A girl
with tact grasps this in a moment. Indeed, she grasps the situation
every time and pleases every time. You must understand man-nature.
You can learn a great deal of it from your brother. Let me tell you
too that if girls would more frequently advise with their brothers,
they would get along a hundred-fold better. A brother can give you an
insight into other men, and at the same time look after your interests.
You will rarely fail to go right and to do right, if you will make him
your confidant. Find out what he likes, and you will know what other
men like.
If you would be attractive, you must hide your feelings. I know of no
time at home or abroad when it is well to show your real feelings if
they are disagreeable. Bear in mind that I do not lay down a code of
laws to be practised only abroad regardless of your home-life. Let the
first man upon whom you try your winning arts be your father. Make him
sure that you are the most perfect of girls. Then try your brothers. As
the most lovely of daughters and sisters, you will be real when you are
attracting other men by your winning manners.
A man likes a girl who is read up--at least in the news of the day. He
does not want to be instructed, and he never likes a girl who knows
better than he does about things. If even you are sure he is wrong, do
not correct him. That would be a wound to his vanity, which is itself
a fatal thing to do. If you are better educated than he is, do not let
him know it. Appear to receive instruction, and let your knowledge
be a sort of cushion for his. Be interested in what he talks about,
and willing to learn. Give him your full attention when he talks to
you. It is a lack of tact that makes a girl show a want of interest.
It is a lack of tact too that makes a girl let a man see what a good
opinion she has of herself, when she ought to be showing him what a
good opinion she has of him. It is very well to have it settled in
your own mind just what you are, and what your attractions are, but do
not let any know of that opinion. It is well to have a good opinion of
yourself: it will give you an ease in society and a confidence to go
ahead and win. Be sure, however, that you are worthy of that opinion.
Be sure that you are not deceiving even yourself.
Never allow a man to sacrifice his comfort for you. If he is rude
enough even to ask to smoke in your presence, with your sweetest smile
give him permission to do so. Promote his comfort in every possible
way. They notice these things and like such attentions. Do not feel
it your right always to have the best of everything and he the worst.
Decline to accept the sacrifices that he as a gentleman will insist
upon making. Some girls will heedlessly accept anything with a sort of
blind gross selfishness. The girl who is unselfish at home, and who
looks out for the comfort of her family before she does her own, will
unconsciously carry the same winning spirit with her wherever she goes.
The girl who is selfish at home, and who puts on her sweetness with
company dress, will often forget all about it, especially under any
excitement.
Do not allow a man to spend much money upon you. He rarely cares to
do so, but does it because it is customary among a certain class, and
thinks that you expect it of him. Give him a pleasant surprise when
he invites you into a restaurant or elsewhere, by declining. You do
not want to be indebted to him in a monetary point of view--it lessens
your dignity. It would not be a pleasant thing to hear him count up how
much he has spent upon you. A man will do it, and make remarks about
it to other men too. They have it all done to a fine point, and know
just which girl is expensive in her tastes, and which one it costs the
most to take out. I have heard them talk when I have been behind the
scenes. Some girls, I am sorry to say, will even go so far as to hint
that they would like to be taken to a certain entertainment or out for
refreshments. There is much bitter truth in the jokes we read about the
ice-cream girl. The writer of them, I always think, has smarted under
the custom.
No matter what a man is himself, he likes a modest girl. True modesty
has a great charm. A girl without it is like a faded flower. As a
general thing, her end is sad. Beauty is fleeting, but modesty gives
a charm which outlasts youth. A retiring, gentle girl is something
to seek after; and a man rather seek. A bold girl may receive more
attentions from a certain class of men, but less love in the long run.
That “certain class of men” you want to avoid instead of seeking to
attract them. The real gentleman, the kind for whose attentions you
care, never wants anything to do with a bold, loud girl. The loud girl
is never a lady. Cultivate a low, sweet voice at all times. Abjure
slang and chewing gum. Of the two evils I do not know which is the
worst; but I do know that no true lady is addicted to either.
Men like large-minded, large-hearted girls. They like girls who have no
envy in their nature, who can be fair and just even to a rival, who
will see good in every one, and speak of that instead of the evil.
If you meet a girl whom you feel is your superior, emulate her; try to
become all she is. At the same time, be large enough to acknowledge
her excellence. Your very humility and sweet praise of her will be
a winning grace. Ten to one the man will think how sweet you are
instead of seeing the excellent traits you point out in her. Bitter,
narrow-minded girls have an idea they can bring a superior girl down to
their level by casting mud at her. It is a species of mud that always
flies back, with a sort of a double back-action arrangement, and does
all the harm to the thrower. In the first place, it is not Christ-like
to speak unkindly of any one; in the second, men hate to hear it. It is
only a weak one who will join in with you. In the third place, it is so
small, and tells so plainly that you are narrow, envious, inferior.
Instead of trying to pull a girl down, always try to climb up beyond
her heights. Be large enough to discern and acknowledge whatever good
you see in any one. Be charitable to the wrong-doings of your friends.
Never mention the plainly seen faults of another girl. In this evil
world, be as though you saw no evil. Be pure. “To the pure all things
are pure.” Let all things and all people be pure in your sight.
Make yourself worth having, and men will want to have you. Strive to
cultivate a true womanliness and to become an efficient person. Be a
girl who can help herself, who is not ignorant of work or too lazy to
do it. Do not be a mere toy whom men will flirt with and then drop when
they want to marry a woman who will be a helpmeet. Sensible men do not
want to marry a bundle of nothing for a wife. When they are cheated
into doing so, they repent it all their lives. You do not want to think
that the man whom you will marry is going to repent the act. I know I
would rather die on my wedding-day. I think that if a man to whom I was
married should hint by word or deed of such a repentance, I would feel
that my life was a complete failure, and should want to go out of it
then and there.
Be accomplished and brilliant if possible, but above all things prepare
yourself to be a helpmeet for a man. Men like talents in a girl,
especially music; but a man likes to have his wife know how to keep
house. Learn that. Learn to make all sorts of garments and to cook,
even if you are wealthy.