DIARY--"THE LINK MUST BREAK AND THE LAMP MUST DIE"
_April 13._
I'M in sackcloth and ashes. My dream castles have tumbled down upon my
head and left me bruised and sorrowful. I'm awake at last! I'd like to
bury my face in my old red and green patchwork quilt and ask forgiveness
for being a fool. But I must compose myself and write this last chapter
of my romance.
Last night the "Singer with the Voice of Gold" gave a recital in the
Academy of Music. Royal and I helped to make up a merry box party. I
felt festive and gay in my lovely white crepe georgette gown. Royal said
I looked like a dream and that made me radiant, I know.
As we sat down I whispered to him that I was excited because hearing
that great singer has always been one of my dearest dreams and now the
dream was coming true. He whispered back that more of my dreams would
soon come true. I made him hush, for several people were looking at us.
But his words sent my heart thrilling.
The Academy became quiet as the singer appeared, then the audience gave
her a real Brotherly Love welcome and settled once more into silence as
her beautiful voice rose in the place. The operatic selections were
beautifully rendered. I thought her voice was most captivating in the
simple songs everybody knows. Annie Laurie had new charm as she sang it.
When she sang that Royal whispered, "That is what I feel for you." I
smiled into his eyes, then turned again to look at the singer. Could I
ever sing like that? Would the dreams of my childhood come true? It
seemed improbable and yet--I had traveled a long way from the little
girl of the tight braids and brown gingham dresses, I thought. Perhaps
the future would bring still more wonderful changes.
The hours in the Academy of Music passed like a beautiful dream. I
shrank from the last song, though. It was too much like some fatal, dire
prophecy:
"The cord is frayed, the cruse is dry,
The link must break, and the lamp must die--
Good-bye to hope! Good-bye, good-bye!"
I told Royal I didn't like it, it was too much like Cassandra.
He laughed and said she generally sings it, but that it couldn't hurt
us--was I superstitious?
"No, oh, no," I declared. But I wished I could forget the words of that
song.
Some of the party decided that a proper ending to the delightful evening
would be a visit to a fashionable café. I didn't care to go. Royal urged
me till I consented and I soon found myself in a beautiful place where
merry groups of people were seated about small tables. Any desire for
food I might have had left me as I heard Royal and the other men order
wines and highballs.
"What will you have, Phoebe?" Royal asked me.
I gasped--"Why--nothing."
"Be a sport," he urged, "look around and do as the 'Romans do.'"
I looked around. Some of the women were smoking, others were drinking.
"Oh," I said, "this is dreadful. Let's go."
Royal laughed and the others teased me. One of the girls said I'd be
doing all those things before the year ended. When I declared I would
not Royal reminded me that I had said the same about cards and dancing.
His words silenced me. I felt engulfed in shame and deeply hurt. How
could Royal be amused at my discomfiture if he loved me! Did he love me?
Did I want him to? Could I promise to honor and love him all my life?
But perhaps he was teasing me--ah, that was it! I breathed more easily
again. Royal was teasing me, sure of my refusal to indulge in any
intoxicant. The others ate and made merry while I toyed idly with the
glass of ginger ale the waiter brought me against my wish. I mused and
dreamed--would Royal like my people? Somehow, he seemed an incongruity
among the dear ones at the gray farmhouse in Lancaster County. What
would he say when we ate in the kitchen and daddy came to the table in
his shirt sleeves? Love can bridge greater chasms than that, I thought.
When we are married----
"Royal Lee, are you ever going to marry?" The question broke into my
revery.
I looked at Royal. There was no rise of color in his handsome face. He
returned my look dispassionately then turned to his teasing, inquisitive
friend.
"I'm a bachelor forever," he declared. "But that does not keep me from
loving. Women I care for have too much good sense to think that marriage
always follows love. Ye Gods, I think love goes when marriage comes, so
you'll have no chance to see my love interred."
I clenched my hands under the table. I felt my lips go white. How could
he hurt me so? Of course our love was not a thing to be paraded in a
public place but if he really cared for me as I thought he did he could
have answered differently. An evasive answer would have served. An hour
ago he had whispered tender words to me and now he frankly informed all
present that he was a bachelor forever. I could not grasp the full
significance of his words at once. I was dazed by the shock of them. I
wanted to get away and be alone, to cry, to think, to determine what he
had meant by his demonstrations of love if he did not hope to win me for
his wife.
But later, when I went to bed in the pretty blue and white room next
Virginia's, I did not cry. I lay wide awake thinking over and over, "How
could he do it? Why is he heartless? Was he only playing?"
When morning came I had partially decided that I had been a ready, silly
fool; that Royal Lee had merely whiled the hours away more pleasantly
because of my love. I felt tempted to denounce him but I thought that
would afford him additional amusement and make me not a whit less
miserable. I was eager to get away from him. I desired but one little
moment alone with him to satisfy myself that I did not judge him
unjustly. Fortunately he came to the sitting-room as I sat there staring
at the page of a magazine.
"Alone?" he asked.
"Yes."
"Phoebe"--he drew nearer and I rose and stood away from him. "My
Bluebird! You look unhappy. Are you still shocked at the smoking and
drinking you saw last night? It's all in the game, you know. Why not be
happy along with the rest of us, why be a prude?"
I shivered. Couldn't he know why I was unhappy! How false and fickle he
was! I wouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve for him to read and laugh
about. All my Metz determination rose in me.
"Why," I lied, "I'm not unhappy. I'm just tired. Late hours don't agree
with me."
He stretched out his arm but I eluded him. "Don't," I said lightly;
"we've been foolish long enough."
"Why"--he looked at me keenly. But I was determined he should not read
my feelings. I smiled in spite of my contempt for him. "Why, Phoebe," he
said tenderly, "what has changed you? Why shouldn't I kiss you when I
love you? Love never hurt any one."
"No--but----"
"But what?" he asked.
"Oh, nothing," I said, stepping farther away from him. "I'm in a hurry
this morning. Good-bye." And for the first time I saw a look of chagrin
mar the handsome face of Royal Lee. Before he could recover his
customary equanimity I was gone from the house.
I walked, caring not where the way led. My brain was in a whirl. I felt
as though I were fleeing from a crumbling precipice. In a flash I
understood Virginia's tactful attempts at warning. She had tried to make
me understand but my head was too easily turned by the fine speeches and
flattering attentions of the musician. I have been vain and foolish but
I've had my lesson. It still hurts and yet I can see the value of it.
I'll be better qualified after this to discriminate between the false
and true.
I am going home to-day! It came to me suddenly as I went back to my
boarding-house after my long walk. I promised David I'd come home for
arbutus and the inspiration came to go home for the whole spring and
summer. I'll write a note to Mr. Krause and one to Virginia. Dear
Virginia, she has been so good to me and helped me in so many ways! I
can never thank her enough. These eight months in Philadelphia have been
a liberal education for me. I'll never regret them. I hope to come back
in the fall and go on with the music lessons. By that time Royal Lee
will have found another to make love to.
So I'm going home to-day, back to Lancaster County. The trees are green
and the flowers are out--oh, I'm wild to get back!