All things are fair that are not dark;
Yet all are dark that are not fair.
And the same cat that slays the lark,
Itself is often killed by care.--BOHER.
SONOGUN had seen a notice in a railway-carriage. "Beware of
card-sharpers" was printed upon it, and it flashed upon him, with
the force of a revelation, that it must be meant for him. Once more
he made up his mind. He would fly. Fear lent him a spare pair of
second-hand wings. He whistled to his dog _Stray_, and having thrown
HAECKEL and RENAN out of the window, he flapped twice, and then soared
up, _Stray_ following as best he could. It was very dark, and the
clouds were threatening. For a long time he avoided them, but at
length he fell into a particularly damp one, and would inevitably
have been drowned, had not the sagacious _Stray_ brought men to his
assistance. And thus SONOGUN, the scoffer, the agnostic, the moody,
gloomy, morose, cast-iron, Roman-faced misanthrope, got home. That
same evening he changed his clothes and his character, and on the
following day married GLADYS.
THE END.
* * * * *
"QUITE NEW AND ORIGINAL."
[Illustration: Infants in Arms.]
The fencing Lecture, entitled, _The Story of Swordsmanship_, seems
to have been so great a success, last Wednesday, at the Lyceum, as
to have aroused the ire of some Music-hall Managers, who earnestly
contend that the Stage of the Theatre, that is, of the Drama _pur et
simple_, very pure _et_ very simple, should not be used or misused for
the purpose of giving an entertainment, which, though given without
scenes, was yet "illustrated with cuts."
It is highly probable that this offensive and defensive subject
will be followed by other lectures more, perhaps, in keeping with
theatrical tradition. We will not give our authority for this
statement, but may intimate that that eminent professor of the P.R.
and P.M.N.A.S.D., known within certain circles as _The Slogger_, will,
at no very distant date, give at one of our most popular theatres a
lecture, the first of a series, on _Pugilism and the Drama_.
Tickets, of course, to be obtained at the Box-office. The subject of
the first Lecture will be _Box and Fighting Cocks_.
Among other things the eloquent professor will draw the attention
of his audience to what a change in the history of the Stage, nay,
perhaps, in the history of the world, would have occurred if to
_Box's_ inquiry as to his pugilistic capacity, _Cox_ had replied, "I
can!" and had there and then thrown himself, like _Mr. Pickwick_ "into
a paralytic attitude," and exclaimed, "Come on!" an invitation which
the challenger would have been bound in honour to accept. The Lecturer
will practically show how "to make a hit," and give an example
from the life of the "early closing movement." The Lecture will be
interspersed with songs, such as "_Black Eyes and Blue Eyes_," "_Hand
and Glove_," "_Ring! Ring!_" "_The Hymn to Floorer_" a part-song,
by four choristers, and "_Me-fist-O's song_" from _Faust_. Perhaps
the next Lecture on the some subject will be given at _The Umpire
Theatre_.
* * * * *
AN OLD CRY REVIVED (_unpalatable to the French Painters and
Patriots).--"À Berlin! à Berlin!_"
* * * * *
SHAKSPEARE AND THE UNMUSICAL GLASSES.
Mr. PINERO, in his letter to the _D.T._, complained that, should the
Music Halls obtain their wicked way, through the incompetence of
the County Council to deal with the matter--(but is not DRURIOLANUS
a Counti-Counciliarius, and ready to see justice done to the poor
player, author, (and manager alike? Sure-ly!)--then a play at a Hall
of Music (they used to be "Caves of Harmony" in THACKERAY's time, and
the principal Hall of Music was SAM HALL) will be heard between "a
puff at a cigar and a sip from a glass." Well, but what piece can get
on without a puff or so? Would not a good cigar during a good piece
be on additional "draw?" We have "Smoking Concerts"; why not "Smoking
Theatricals"? _But how about the Ladies?_ Years ago there were no
smoking-carriages on the Railways. And what nowadays is the proportion
of smoking to non-smoking compartments? Very small. The Ladies will
decide this question. _But how about the Actors?_ In modern pieces
they never lose an opportunity of smoking. Why shouldn't the cigar
be introduced into Shakspearian revivals? Anachronism to the
winds!--which is a polite way of expressing "Anachronism be blowed!"
'Baccy be blowed too. Sir WALTER RALEIGH would have approved its
introduction in Elizabethan days. In _Twelfth Night_ for example,
the line, "Help me to some light," is suggestive; so, also, in
_Macbeth_--"Give us a light, then"--out comes the cigar. _Titus
Andronicus_ might be revived, with a view to inaugurating the
innovation, and the line, "Some of you shall smoke," would be the
signal for the production of many a cigar-case in point. _Hamlet_
could, perhaps, find some authority for reading the line, "Will you
play upon this pipe?" as, "Will you smoke this pipe?" And the other
actor would reply, "Certainly--and thank you, my Lord, I have one of
my own." Mr. EDWARD TERRY has no objection to _The Churchwarden_ in
his theatre, and his Churchwarden drew very well. However, we've had
this discussion before. Will it end this time, as it has hitherto
done, in smoke? Let us suppose a Shakspearian play under the proposed
conditions:--
[Illustration: "Can you play upon this pipe?"]
SCENE II.--_Capulet's Garden. After ROMEO's soliloquy,
which, perhaps, has produced a thirstiness among the audience,
resulting in several orders for drinks having been given,
JULIET appears on balcony._
"_Juliet_. Ah, me!" [_Popping of corks, and striking of matches._
"_Romeo_. She speaks!--"
_Fascinating Female Attendant in Stalls_. One whiskey, Sir?
"_Romeo_. Oh, speak again, bright angel!"
_Thirsty Party in Stalls_. No; I said B. and S.--bring it quick.
"_Romeo_ (_continuing_). As is a winged messenger of heaven."
_Second Fascinating Attendant_. Which Gent ordered gin-sling? (_No one
pays any attention. Attendant sees a mild man listening as earnestly
as he can to the play_.) Did you order a sling, Sir?
_Earnest Listener_ (_irritably_). No, no--I don't want anything.
There, I've lost the last part of ROMEO's speech.
[_Steels himself against further distractions, and tries to
concentrate all his attention on the play._
"_Juliet_. O, ROMEO! ROMEO! wherefore art thou, ROMEO?" &c.
"_Romeo_ (_aside_). Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?"
_Excited Somebody_ (_in distant Stall, beckoning to Second
Attendant_). Here! Hi! Here! I ordered gin-sling.
_Second Attendant_ (_much relieved_). Oh, you was it? D'you mind
stretchin' across--(_To gorgeous, eveningly-attired Lady, in row
between_). Beg pardon.
_Gorgeous Lady_ (_horribly disturbed_). She'll spill it--you'll spill
it--CHARLEY, why don't you--
_Charles_ (_her Friend_). Here! (_To Fascinating Attendant as politely
as possible_). Can't you go round with it--
_Few Ancient Playgoers_. Sssh! Sssh!
_Second Attendant_ (_to distant Customer_). I'll bring it. 'Scuse me.
[_Retraces her fascinating steps along front row.
Chaff--exclamations--near and distant poppings of corks,
striking of matches, and other accompaniments to JULIET's
speech._
And so forth, _ad libitum_. The same thing going on all over the house
during the remainder of the Shakspearean play.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "L'INVITATION À LA VALSE."
_She_. "BUT YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAME! WHAT HAVE YOU PUT DOWN ON YOUR
CUFF!"
_He_. "OH, I'VE PUT DOWN 'PEARL NECKLACE.'"
_She_. "BUT THERE ARE LOTS OF PEARL NECKLACES HERE!"
_He_. "YES; BUT I'VE ALSO PUT DOWN 'SMALL AND RATHER TIGHT'--I MEAN
THE _NECKLACE_, YOU KNOW!"]
* * * * *
THE GREAT WHALING EXPEDITION.
LATEST VERSION.
_BY_ BILLY (H. SM-TH), _THE (ST. STEPHEN'S) BO'SEN_.
'Twas in Ninety One, d'ye see,
Brave boys!
With SOLLY I did sa-a-a-ail,
When one Monday night
We went out--_not_ to fight,
But we went for to catch a Whale.
Brave boys!
We went for to catch a Whale!
There was dirty weather about,
Brave boys!
_Trade_-winds was blowin' a ga-a-a-le,
When the Skipper sings out,
As we chopped about,
"My eyes! there goes _such_ a Whale!
Brave boys!
Dear eyes I there goes _such_ a Whale!"
It were the whoppingest Whale,
Brave boys!
As ever whisked a ta-a-a-il;
In the trough o' the sea
It was Labouring free.
And a lashin' the waves like a flail,
Brave boys!
A lashin' the waves like a flail.
We had heard o' that Whale afore,
Brave boys!
Says SOLLY, "I'll go ba-a-a-ail,
The Rads would roar
If that monster they sor-r!
But _we_ want to catch that Whale,
Brave boys!
_We_ want to catch that Whale!
"Young GRANDOLPH[1] has kep' a look-out
Brave boys!
Wich it weren't of no awa-a-a-il.
Brum JOEY[1], no doubt,
Is a-cruisin' about,
But _they_ mustn't catch that Whale,
Brave boys!
No, _they_ mustn't catch that Whale."
There was only me and SOLLY,
Brave boys!
In that boat, with never a sa-a-a-il;
And, it may seem folly,
But we both was jolly,
For we meant for to catch that Whale,
Brave boys!
_We_ meant for to _catch_ that Whale!
No harpoon, or such tackle _we_ took.
Brave boys!
For we knowed they was no ava-a-a-il.
No, we went for to look
For that Whale--_with a hook_.
_That's_ how we went for that Whale,
Brave boys!
That's how _we_ went for that Whale!
We knowed that a sprat was _the_ bait,
Brave boys!
What was never knowed for to fa-a-a-il.
So the sprat _I_ throwed,
Whilst SOLLY, _he_ rowed,
That's how we angled for that Whale,
Brave boys!
That's how we angled for that Whale!
He lashed, and he dashed, and he splashed,
Brave boys!
And he _spouted_ on a werry big sca-a-a-le.
But the skipper, he still held on,
And that sprat what I have telled on,
I dangled,--for to catch that Whale,
Brave boys!
I dangled,--for to catch that Whale!
"Strike! turn yer winch, pull in yer line!
Brave boys!
(Sings out SOLLY) and yer prize you'll na-a-a-il!"
Then a rummy thing did 'appen
Wich amazed me and the Cap'en;
_I_ struck,--but so did that Whale,
Brave boys!
I _struck_--but so did that Whale!
We found he was the better at a _Strike_,
Brave boys!
Fhwisk! He hit us _such_ a wallop with his ta-a-a-il.
With my hook, sprat, tackle too
He just vanished from our view.
So--_we haven't yet caught that Whale_,
Brave boys!
No,--_we haven't yet caught that Whale!_
[Footnote 1: Supposed to be rival whaling captains.]
* * * * *
SHIPPING INTELLIGENCE.--The name of the "unknown steamer laden with
gums and ivory," reported as having passed down the Congo last week,
has been discovered to be _The Dentist_.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "A SPRAT TO CATCH A WHALE!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: MOST EXTRAORDINARY.
_Dismounted Sportsman_. "NOW, HOW THE DEUCE DID MY HAT MANAGE TO GET
UP THERE?"]
* * * * *
THE LATEST IN TELEGRAMS.
(_SEE DAILY PAPERS PASSIM._)
[ALL FROM THE RAZZLE-DAZZLE AGENCY.]
HUKIEWAUKIE, _February 28_.
An extraordinary incident has just stirred the heart of this populous
Western centre to its depths. Some fifteen years ago Colonel ZACHARY
B. DIBBS, one of the most prominent citizens of Hukiewaukie (then a
mere collection of log-huts), disappeared without leaving any address
to which his letters and papers were to be forwarded. Mrs. DIBBS,
who was then about to give birth to the seventh scion of the house of
DIBBS, was inconsolable, and ordered the fish-ponds in the vicinity to
be subjected to a rigorous scrutiny. All her conjugal efforts proved
fruitless, the missing Colonel was nowhere to be found, and, after a
decent interval spent in the wearing of widow's weeds, Mrs. DIBBS was
led to the local registrar's office by Sheriff's Deputy ORLANDO T.
STRUGGLES. Time went on, and five flourishing STRUGGLESES were added
by the former Mrs. DIBBS to the population of the town. On Thursday
last, however, Colonel DIBBS was discovered by his eldest son,
Mr. JERNIAH N. DIBBS, the well-known notary public, sitting in his
familiar seat in the Fifth Street Saloon, drinking rum-shrub out of a
tumbler. An explanation followed. Sheriff's Deputy STRUGGLES, in the
handsomest manner, offered to resign all claim to the possession of
the Colonel's spouse. The Colonel, however, would not hear of this.
Finally it was decided to spin a five-dollar green-back for the lady.
An inopportune gust of wind, however, carried off the fateful money,
and the momentous question is still undecided. The Colonel has
announced his intention of continuing a bachelor, even if he has to
fight the matter up to the Supreme Court, and a large majority of the
inhabitants of the town are willing to support him, with a view to
making this a test case.
MUNCHAUSENVILLE, _March 2_.
Yesterday, as one of the chief tiger-purveyors of this city was
engaged in exercising his _troupe_ of fiery, untamed tigers, in the
main street, two of the ferocious animals escaped from the string
which has usually been found sufficient for their confinement. A
general stampede of the inhabitants immediately followed, the majority
finding refuge in the bar of the recently constructed Hotel Columbia,
Mayor MADDERLEY and his amiable consort were, however, not so
fortunate. The Mayor, being shortsighted, mistook the two denizens of
the jungle for a couple of performing poodles, to whose training he
had devoted much of his leisure, and who, as it happened, were at that
precise moment expected on their return from the post-office, with
the Mayor's mail in their mouths--a trick which had often amused the
Mayor's friends. Mr. MADDERLEY advanced to stroke his supposed pets,
and was much surprised to find himself torn in pieces before he had
time to send for the city mace. Mrs. MADDERLEY, a stout, plethoric
lady, would have been the next victim, had she not, with extraordinary
presence of mind, declared herself dead the moment the animals
approached her. This deceit (which, however, has been the subject of
grave censure in many pulpits,) saved her life. Maddened by the taste
of blood, the tigers next attacked Mr. LARIAT's grocery store. Here,
however, they met their match in an army of Gorgonzola cheeses, which
broke from their shelves, attacked the intruders with wonderful
fury, and in ten minutes had so far subdued them that their owner
was able to recapture them, and lead them home. The obsequies of Mr.
MADDERLEY's shoes and his umbrella--all that was left of the unhappy
Mayor--have just taken place amidst universal demonstrations of
sympathy. The funeral _cortège_ took an hour to pass a given point.
Widow MADDERLEY proposes to sue the owner of her late husband's
assassins.
LYNCHVILLE, _March 3_.
Two brothers, named respectively JOHN and THOMAS, quarrelled here
yesterday about the ownership of a clasp-knife. They drew their
revolvers at the same instant, and fired at a distance of two paces.
Strangely enough the two deadly bullets met in the air, and, their
force being exactly equal, they stopped dead and dropped to the
ground, whence they were afterwards picked up and presented to the
trustees of the Lynchville Museum of Fine Art. Nothing daunted, the
fraternal contestants set to work with their bowie-knives, and were
only separated after JOHN had inflicted on THOMAS ten mortal wounds
and received from him one less. It is generally admitted that
nothing could have been fairer than the conduct of the police, who
formed a _cordon_ round the duellists, and thus prevented the fussy
interference which has so often brought similar affairs to a premature
termination. The two coffins are to be of polished walnut-wood, and
will be provided by the Friendly Society to which the two deceased
belonged, as a last mark of affection and regard.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "LA RIXE."]
* * * * *
"LA RIXE."
(IRISH DONNYBROOK VERSION.)
AIR--"_PACKINGTON'S POUND_."
_Oirish Gentleman loquitur_:--
Spilt mugs, chairs fallen, and scattered tables,--
That's Oirish shindy, me bhoys, all over!
"Union of Hearts" and such plisant fables,
Won't greatly hamper the free-foight lover.
What do you mean,
Ye paltry spalpeen?
True Oirish hearts from Old England to wean?
Faix, not a bit of it! We'll jist have none of it!
They're foighting frindly, and jist for the fun of it!
There's bould PARNELL, he looks fierce and fell,
Wid his savage face, and his snickersnee steely.
Faix, wouldn't he loike that same to stroike
All into the gizzard of Misther HEALY?
He looks so sullen
At the pair a pullin'
At his sinewy arm, and his onset mullin'!
That thraitor, TIM, he'd be having his will on,
But for tearful O'BRIEN, and dismal DILLON.
As for tarin' TIM, he'd be hot at _him_,
Wid his ready sword from its scabbard flashin'!
But that meddlin' JUSTIN will be a thrustin'
Himself betune 'em, the duel dashin'!
Och, I assure ye,
Nor judge nor jury
Could abate their ardour, or assuage their fury.
Faix, Mount Vaysuvius, wid its flame and smother,
Must take a back sate--whin _they_ get at each other!
Och! a rale ruction hath a swate seduction,
For us Oirish, BULL, though it mayn't be _your_ way.
PARNELL's a rum fish, and he seems to "scumfish"
That Grand Ould Gintleman paping in at the doorway.
Ye may call it "_Rixe_,"
Though I can't quite fix
Its mayning; a plague on all polyglot thricks!
Sthand asoide, O'BRIEN, DILLON, MCCARTHY!
Let 'em foight it out--shure that's Oirish and hearthy!
* * * * *
[Illustration: AN IMPORTANT PERSON.
"IS DR. JONES IN TOWN?"
"YESSIR. HAVE YOU AN APPOINTMENT?"
"NO; I DID NOT THINK IT NECESSARY. THE LAST TIME I CALLED I HAD NO
APPOINTMENT, AND SAW HIM WITHOUT ANY DIFFICULTY."
"POSSIBLY SO, SIR, I DARESAY _I_ WASN'T BUSY THAT MORNING!"]
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
[Illustration: "And precious little too."]
_House of Commons, Monday, February 23_.--House empty to-night. Even
the fog keeps out; nothing more important under consideration than
Army Vote, including expenditure of £5,632,700. "And precious little
too," says Colonel LAURIE, doing sentry march in the Lobby. "Wages
going up everywhere! labour of all classes but one paid on higher
scale than it used to be; but TOMMY ATKINS and his Colonel getting
just the same now as they did twenty years ago, when living was much
cheaper. There ought to be a rise all round, and so there would be,
if the Army, following example of other organised bodies of day
labourers, were to strike; think I'll mention it at Mess; should begin
at the top. Why shouldn't the Colonels and Generals assemble in their
hundreds, march to Hyde Park, where H.R.H. would address them from
a stoutly-made tub? Moral effect would be enormous; shall certainly
mention it at Mess. Perhaps, could get some practical hints from JOHN
BURNS."
These remarks dropped by the Colonel before debate opened. During
its progress received support from unexpected quarter. HARTINGTON,
suddenly waking up from usual nap on Front Bench, wanted to know when
War Office is going to carry out recommendation of Royal Commission
on re-organisation of Naval and Military Departments? STANHOPE said
everything turned upon vacancy in post of Commander-in-Chief. When
that berth empty, the machine would move. No chance of immediate
vacancy; the DOOK very comfortable where he is; not the sort of man to
retire in face of enemy. The only way to carry out scheme recommended
by Commissioners after prolonged inquiry was to get rid of the DOOK.
"I do trust," said STANHOPE, winking at the Strangers' Gallery, "that
the public will not interfere in this matter. They have had the Report
of the Commission in their hands for months. They have taken no notice
of it, or any action upon it. I do hope, now their attention has been
called to the matter by my noble and Radical friend opposite, they
will not get up a fuss and insist that necessary and important reforms
in the Army shall not be indefinitely postponed in order that the
DOOK may draw his salary and enjoy his position. If the great mass of
public opinion outside the Army plainly declared their wishes in that
direction, we should have to yield; but, as I said before," and once
more the Secretary furtively dropped his left eyelid as he looked up
at the Strangers' Gallery, "I hope the public will not change their
attitude on this subject."
"That's all very well," said LAURIE, who had now entered the House.
"But it seems to me that when H.R.H. reads this curious speech, he'll
be more inclined to fall in with our movement. In my mind's eye, I
can already see him on the tub in Hyde Park, haranguing the mob of
Colonels from under an umbrella."
_Business done_.--Army Estimates in Committee.
_Tuesday_.--Decidedly a Labour night, with Capital incidentally
mentioned. First, OLD MORALITY announces appointment of Royal
Commission to inquire into relations between Capital and Labour.
His placid mind evidently disturbed by undesirable coincidence. On
Saturday night, GRANDOLPH, suddenly remembering he had constituents at
West Paddington, took a penny Road Car, and paid them visit. Delivered
luminous speech on things in general. Recommended appointment of Royal
Commission on relations between Labour and Capital. To uninstructed
mind looks uncommonly like as if Ministers, reading this speech on
Monday morning, had said to each other, "Halloa! here's RANDOLPH
in the field again. Says we must have Labour Commission; suppose we
must."
Nothing of the kind happened. Cabinet Council met at noon on Saturday
and decided upon Royal Commission. GRANDOLPH didn't speak for some
hours later. Odd that he should have hit on this Commission business;
just like his general awkwardness of interference. Must prevent all
possibility of mistake; so OLD MORALITY, in announcing Commission,
innocently, but pointedly, stops by the way to mention that Ministers
had decided upon it "last Saturday."
Wish GRANDOLPH had been here; would like to have seen the twinkle
in his eye when he heard this little point made. But GRANDOLPH busy
down by the Docks, picking up his outfit. Secret of the sudden
and surprising growth of the beard out now. GRANDOLPH off to the
gold-diggings, and beard usually worn there. Hardly knew him when I
looked in the other day at Connaught Place; trying on his new things;
pair of rough unpolished boots coming over his knees; belt round his
waist holding up his trousers and conveniently suspending jackknife,
tin pannikin, and water-bottle. "For use on the voyage," he explains.
Then a flannel shirt open at the neck; a wide-awake cocked on one side
of his head; and a pickaxe on his shoulder.
"I'm tired of civilisation, TOBY, and I am off to the diggins.
Leave you and OLD MORALITY, and the MARKISS and JACOBY to look after
politics. As for me, I'm going to look for gold. I'm not rushing
blindfold into the matter. I've studied it with the highest and
the deepest authorities--and what do I learn? Native gold is found
crystallised in the forms of the octahedron, the cube, and the
dodecahedron, of which the cube is considered as the primary form.
It also occurs in filiform, capillary, and arborescent shapes, as
likewise in leaves or membranes, and rolled masses. It offers
no indications of internal structure, but, on being separated by
mechanical violence, exhibits a hackly fracture. Its colour comprises
various shades of gold yellow. Its specific gravity varies from 14.8
to 19.2. It is commonly alloyed by copper, silver, and iron, in very
small proportions. I mean, if I may say so, to unalloy it"; and,
swinging the pick round his head with a dexterity that testified to
natural aptitude combined with diligent practice, GRANDOLPH chipped
a fragment out of the marble mantelpiece, and, picking it up, eagerly
examined it, as if in search of a hackly fracture.
I wished him good luck, and went back to the House, where I
found BIDDULPH smiling behind SPEAKER's chair, watching ATKINSON
illustrating the working of his Duration of Speeches Bill by ringing
a muffin-bell, borrowed from a Constituent.
_Business done_.--Miscellaneous.
_Thursday_.--Should have been at work to-night on Army Estimates;
but things getting a little mixed. Nearly 150 Members picknicking
at Portsmouth; all the Colonels, the Bo'suns, the Captains, and the
Admirals.
"Capital opportunity to get on with the Estimates," JACKSON whispered
in OLD MORALITY's ear.
"No," said that pink of chivalry, "I will never take mean advantage of
a man, even of an Admiral. Let us put on the Factories and Workshops
Bill; won't take long; keep us going till they get back from
Portsmouth."
[Illustration: "That evening bell!"]
So HOME SECRETARY moved Second Reading. "Mere formality, you know," he
explained; "shall refer Bill to Committee on Trade, and there it will
be thrashed out and shaped." But floodgates once opened not easily
shut. The Factories and Workshops mean the Working-Man; Working-Man
has Vote; General Election not far off; must show Working-Man who's
his true friend. Everybody his true friend. Speeches by the dozen;
COMPTON, after long sitting in patient attitude at last caught
SPEAKER's eye. "A milk-and-water Bill," he scornfully characterised
HOME SECRETARY's measure.
"Ah! COMPTON knows what the Working-Man likes," said WILFRID LAWSON.
"A rum-and-milk Bill is more to _his_ taste."
LYON PLAYFAIR delivered one of his luminous Lectures; full of
reference to "certifying surgeons," and "half-time children."
"What's a half-time child?" I asked CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN.
"Fancy it's one prematurely born," he whispered back. "But really
don't know; not on in this scene; ask MUNDELLA or pleeceman."
LYON PLAYFAIR knew all about it and much else.
"Wonderful man!" said the Member for SARK, gazing admiringly on his
massive brow. "Always reminds me of what SYDNEY SMITH said about
another eminent person. 'Look at my little friend JEFFREY. He
hasn't body enough to cover his mind decently with. His intellect is
indecently exposed.'"
_Business done_.--Factory and Workshops Bill read a Second Time.
[Illustration: Waiting for Opportunity.]
_Friday_.--PROVAND brought on Motion raising vexed question of
Taxation of Land. OLD MORALITY always on look-out to do kind thing;
thought this would be good opportunity of trotting out CHAPLIN; had no
chance of distinguishing himself since he became Minister. So CHAPLIN
put up; made mellifluous speech. Unfortunately, Mr. G. present;
listened to CHAPLIN with suspicious suavity; followed him, and, as
JEMMY LOWTHER puts it, "turned him inside out, and hung him up to
dry." Played with him like a cat with a mouse; drew him out into
damaging statements; then danced on his prostrate body. About the
worst quarter of an hour CHAPLIN ever had in House, with JOKEM on one
side of him, and OLD MORALITY on other, tossing about on their seats,
exchanging groans and glances, while CHAPLIN mopped the massive brow
on which stood forth iridescent gleams of moisture.
"Meant it all for the best," said OLD MORALITY; "but who'd have
thought of Mr. G. being here? CHAPLIN's a great Minister of
Agriculture; but, when it comes to questions of finance, not quite
on a par with Mr. G." _Business done_.--House Counted Out.
* * * * *
CHAMBERS IN ST. JAMES'S STREET.
_THE IDLER_, by HADDON CHAMBERS, is a real good play, thoroughly
interesting from the rising to the setting of the Curtain. The
parts are artistically adjusted, the dialogue unforced, the acting
un-stagey, and the situations powerfully dramatic. The climax is
reached at the "psychological moment," and the Curtain descends
upon all that a sympathetic audience can possibly desire to know
of what must be once and for all _the_ story of a life-time. "The
rest is silence." Throughout the play there is no parade of false
sentimentality, no tawdry virtue, no copy-book morality, no vicious
silliness; and, so well constructed is the plot, that there is no need
of a wearisome extra Act, by way of postscript, to tell us how all the
characters met again at the North Pole or Land's End; how everybody
explained everything to everybody else; how the Idler, becoming a
busy-body, married the widow of _Sir John Harding, M.P._, who had had
the misfortune to be drowned out shrimping; and how many other matters
happened for which the wearied audience would not care one snap of
the finger and thumb. On another occasion I shall have something to
say about the acting, which, as far as the men are concerned, has
certainly not been equalled since the days of _Peril_. The St. James's
is in for a good thing with _The Idler_; and at this moment I may
say, I would be ALEXANDER were I not, briefly,
DIOGENES "THE TUBMAN," B.C.L.
* * * * *
ACTING--ON A SUGGESTION.--_The Woman_, always well informed, tells
us on February 26, that, "owing to numerous applications," Mr. C.T.
GREIN is negotiating for the Royalty Theatre, in order to give
another Ibsenian performance. Now this is exactly what we suggested
in our number for February 14. If the date suits, we will go and see
_Ghosts_, and, if we succeed in keeping up our spirits after seeing
_Ghosts_, we will give a candid opinion on the performance of the
piece which hitherto we know only in print. _En attendant_, we shall
have something to say about the recent performance of that piece of
Ibsenity _A Doll's House_--in our next.
* * * * *
WHAT'S IN A NAME?--On the recent occasion of the QUEEN's visit to
Portsmouth, no one of the officials seems to have been more on the
alert and more generally alive than Mr. DEADMAN, the Chief Constructor
of the Yard.
* * * * *
"EN ITERUM CRISPINUS!"--_Hamlet_ on the real distinction between
Theatres and Music Halls--
"To B. (and S.) or not to B. (and S.) _that_ is the question!"
* * * * *
HAPPY PROSPECT.--The Wild Birds, if the Bill for their protection
becomes law, will remember, the Session of 1891 as a year of PEASE and
Quiet.
* * * * *
NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.