ONLY A FRIEND
'Surely a woman's affection
Is not a thing to be asked for,
and had for only the asking?--_Longfellow._
Wednesday evening came, and all went off to Lady Walker's except Hugh
and myself. He seemed very rarely to go out with the others, and was
generally up in London several nights a week. I had helped the girls
to dress, and had done all I could for them before they went, but it
had been a trying time. General Forsyth had hardly spoken to me since
he knew my decision was final, and Mrs. Forsyth was continually
referring to my foolishness. So I was relieved when they were out of
the house, and quite enjoyed the quiet dinner with Hugh. He certainly
exerted himself to be agreeable, and asked me if I would come upstairs
and sit in his study after dinner.
'Bring your violin,' he said, 'and if you will play nicely to me I will
treat you to a glimpse of the heavens through my telescope. It is a
beautiful starry night.'
His study was a very comfortable-looking room, with a large bay window
overlooking the open country, and I took up my position in front of it
as I played to him. I did not know he was so fond of music; but as I
laid my violin down I noticed how he was leaning back in his chair with
a dreamy smile upon his face, and drawing in a long breath, he said,--
'Thank you. I think that's a better class of entertainment than what
is going on at the Walkers' at present. A low-level life there, I
consider, and one only marvels at men and women spending their whole
existence in such trifles: time and talents utterly wasted, and powers
of intellect used and abused in the foolish chit-chat of society!'
He spoke so contemptuously that I looked up in surprise.
'I think,' I said, 'every one must have something to fill their life.
They are as much occupied in their gay sphere as you are in your
literary one.'
'Or as you in your pious one! Quite true; and I suppose we each think
our own sphere immeasurably superior to any other. I tell you
honestly, I have a contempt for the frivolous one, and a pity for the
religious. I look at both from a higher platform.'
'You place all your faith in man's intellect,' I said slowly; 'but
"religious" people, as you call them, place their faith in the Creator
of man's intellect. I don't think you are on a higher platform than
they; you haven't got quite high enough.'
He made a movement of impatience in his chair, then relapsed into his
natural supercilious manner.
'It is amusing to hear you air your views so dogmatically; if you were
versed in some of the literature of the present day, and knew how many
old-time notions and superstitions are disappearing under the full
clear light of reason and science, you would not speak so positively.
You must let me lend you a few books that may enlarge your thoughts and
enlighten you on these subjects.'
'No, thank you,' I said quietly; 'you mustn't be vexed if I say again,
you don't rise high enough; you read and study the works and production
of men's brains, but I go by God's own Book, and that is beyond and
above them all.'
Hugh laughed. 'I never argue with women, or I would show you how
faulty your statements are. But never mind. I would rather see a girl
take serious views of life than fritter it away as most do. You mean
well, and live up to your light. Now would you like to have a look
through my telescope?'
I assented; but I could not help wondering how much or how little Hugh
really did believe. Nothing could be kinder than his explanations of
the different planets and stars that we looked out upon, and for a full
hour I was engrossed in gazing at various constellations above. I had
always been interested in astronomy, and Hugh was very lucid as well as
patient in giving me a great deal of fresh information. I listened and
gazed breathlessly, and at last came away from the telescope with a
deep-drawn breath of regret.
'It is so lovely; it seems to carry one quite away from earth
altogether: the infinite space stretching away and away. Oh, Mr.
Forsyth, you do not doubt the existence of God, do you?'
'No; I believe in a Supreme Being. I am not such an utter unbeliever
as that.'
'I should hardly think any one who studied astronomy could believe that
the universe was made by chance. Isn't there some spot in the Pleiades
which is the centre of the whole solar system? I remember seeing some
article about it once, and I like to think of heaven there.'
He smiled, but changed the conversation, and we did not touch on
serious subjects again. When I prayed that night, I especially
remembered Hugh; it seemed so sad to me that he was only using his
intellect to try and discover flaws in the Bible, and prove to himself
and others that some of the most important truths in Christianity were
only popular superstitions.
Nelly had told me much about him; for though he kept himself aloof a
great deal from the girls, every now and then he would unbend, and, as
he had done this night, would take them into his study and interest
them with his telescope and conversation.
But I resolved not to read any of his books. I felt I dared not
wilfully go into such temptation; and when, as I was leaving him, he
asked me if I would like the loan of a few, I answered, 'No, thank you,
I would rather not. I am not a dissatisfied, restless soul that is
seeking for the truth. I have found it, and am happy in it.'
'You are a very self-satisfied soul, at all events,' he said.
I coloured up, for I had been feeling a little self-righteous as I
mentally condemned him for his free-thinking opinions.
'I ought not to be satisfied,' I said in a contrite voice, 'with self;
but I am satisfied with Christ.'
And then I left him.
Nelly was very full of the delightful evening they had spent, when I
saw her the next morning, and I listened and tried to take an interest
in her account, for I knew how she loved to talk about such things; but
I heard nothing to make me regret my choice.
'Captain Gates left us that afternoon. As he was wishing us all
good-bye, he turned to me and said:
'You will see me over here in another three weeks, for I am coming to
the dance here then, so this will not be a long good-bye.'
Then, as he shook hands with me, he lowered his voice, and said
earnestly, 'I shall not forget our talks together, Miss Thorn. I have
been most interested, and I honestly tell you, I should like to have
the happiness and satisfaction that you get out of your religion. I
don't know if I shall ever get it; but you will give me a thought
sometimes, won't you?'
'If you read the Bible, I am sure you will find what you need there,' I
said.
We were very quiet for the next week or two; I began visiting my Sunday
scholars in their homes, and started reading-lessons with Jim. We went
out into the fields, and under the shade of some old tree would spend
many a quiet half-hour. He was so anxious and eager to learn that I
did not find his dullness trying, and though progress seemed very slow,
it was sure, for what he once learnt he did not easily forget. Jim's
uncle, Roger Carter, was quite a character, and he dearly loved me to
drop in and have a chat with him. He was a good old man, and generally
asked me to have a bit of reading or a prayer with him before I left.
And when he discovered that I played on the violin, nothing would
pacify him until I had brought it down and given him a tune.
'Ah,' he said, drawing a long breath, 'that's something like moosic,
that is. I know the right sort when I heers it. I've got a ear for
it, though I've not the hands. I plays my toones on these 'ere boots
and shoes.' And he laughed as he looked up at me through his shaggy
eyebrows.
The day came for the Forsyths' dance. I had asked Mrs. Forsyth quietly
if she would mind my keeping in my own room and not appearing at all;
but this she would not hear of, and I felt myself that it would be a
difficult thing to do. I longed to go away somewhere for a few days,
and so miss it; but my old cousin in London had gone abroad, and I had
very few old friends. So I determined to make no fuss about it, and
trusted that I should be able to escape notice in the crowd, and slip
away by myself when the dancing began. I told Nelly positively that if
I was present I would not dance. She laughed at me, and assured me I
would change my mind when the time came.
I did not realize what a large affair it would be, and I must honestly
confess as the time drew near I felt a certain pleasurable excitement
in all the preparations for it. A large marquee was put up on the
lawn, and I with the others helped in decorating and draping it inside.
A regimental band was coming, and Nelly assured me with pride,--
'Our autumn ball is the event of the year. You will see that everybody
will be here.'
And so at last the evening arrived. Both Nelly and I were in soft
white silk; and when Mrs. Forsyth came into my room to inspect my dress
before going down, she said kindly,--
'You look very nice, child. Now I hope you are going to enjoy yourself
like other girls, and not let silly scruples lead you into doing
anything that will displease General Forsyth.'
'I am not going to dance, Mrs. Forsyth,' I said, flushing as I spoke.
She left my room without replying, and then kneeling down, I asked to
be kept and guided throughout the evening. I found great comfort in
the verse, 'I pray not that Thou shouldest take them out of the world,
but that Thou shouldest keep them from the evil.' And on my knees I
asked that I might not only be kept from joining in the gaiety, but
from wishing to join in it, for I felt how little I knew my own heart.
All that day I had had longings to throw myself heart and soul into
everything, as Nelly intended doing; and I found myself wondering if
there would be very much harm in doing so.
An hour later and I was in the midst of it. The first one who made his
way to me was Captain Gates.
'I want you to give me a waltz,' he said. 'We have danced together
before, so don't say "No." I have been looking forward to it.'
I shook my head.
'I can see from your face, Captain Gates, that you know what my answer
will be. I think you would be very surprised if I were to do it.'
'I assure you I shouldn't be,' he responded; 'there's no earthly
difference in dancing now and dancing a week or two ago. It is the
same partner and the same place. Come, don't make my evening an
unpleasant one by refusing!'
'I should not do that in any case,' I answered; 'there are plenty of
other partners in the room for you.'
'I will not dance with any of them if I cannot dance with you.'
I looked up in surprise; there was suppressed vehemence in his tone; he
went on,--
'Will you come out upon the terrace with me? I--I want to speak to
you.'
I hesitated, and wanted to refuse, but I had a longing to get out into
the cool air, and I did not realize at the time what it might lead to.
So throwing a light shawl over my head I stepped out upon the terrace,
and then suddenly he overwhelmed me with surprise and consternation by
telling me that he cared for me, and asking if I could return his love.
'I am very, very sorry,' I faltered; 'but you have known me such a
little while that I never dreamt of such a thing. I can hardly believe
you are in earnest even now.'
'Do I look as if I were trifling?' he said earnestly. 'Miss Thorn, you
have the making of me in your hands. I have led a useless kind of life
up to the present, and I have for a long time been dissatisfied and
restless about it. I see you have what I have not, and I want your
help. I do want a good woman as my wife--I feel she could raise my
life to a higher level, and you could do this for me.'
'I cannot,' I said gravely. 'No one can do that but God.'
He went on without heeding me,--
'Don't think I am asking you only to be my reformer--I would give you
love in return. You don't know what you are to me! I cannot get your
image out of my heart. Don't steel yourself against me, but try, do
just try, to like me.'
'I like you as a friend very much,' I replied, trying to speak gently,
for I could see he was very much moved. 'You have been most kind to me
ever since I came; I am only so sorry that I cannot think of you in any
other light.'
'A friend!' he exclaimed impetuously; 'I don't want that. Ah! Miss
Thorn, you are so desirous of doing good and spending your life in
ministering to others, and yet when an opportunity comes of really
benefiting a human creature and of making him into a good man, you turn
away in scorn. If you will have nothing to say to me, you will send me
from bad to worse!'
'Oh, Captain Gates!' and tears that I could not keep back started to my
eyes, 'you know it is not in scorn I am acting so. But it wouldn't be
for our good if I were to say "Yes." I have not any love to give you,
and I know myself better than you do. If I loved you, I would not dare
to link my life with yours. Forgive me for saying it. I am not strong
enough to lead you; I should be led by you. You do not know what a
weak creature I am. As it is, I feel I am safe, for I put my trust in
God, and He keeps me; but I would not dare to place myself in a
position of temptation and then expect Him to keep me in it.'
'Really you must have a very low opinion of me. What kind of a life do
you think I lead? I want to do better, I want to be an out-and-out
Christian. And I want you to help me to become one.'
'Hilda! out here? I am so warm that I shall come and join you. How
delicious the air is!'
It was Nelly who cut our conversation short, and I was very thankful to
make my escape. I felt I must be alone, and hastened away to my own
room.