"O friendly to the best pursuits of man,
Friendly to thought, to virtue, and to peace,
Domestic life in rural pleasure pass'd."
Marriage is frequently an union of interest: the happiness of one is
made a source of enjoyment to the other. It is for life, because it is
most agreeable with the inclination of mankind that friendship, esteem
and love should be permanent. In this instance a continuance of the
union constitutes no small part of the bliss. The expectation of a
durable connection makes men careful, otherwise they would marry and
unmarry every week. There is, by the arrangement of the Almighty, a
comparative power or influence vested in the man, because, agreeably
with all good government,--
"Some are, and must be, greater than the rest;"
but then, as Dr Beattie observes, "the superiority vested by law in the
man is compensated to the woman by that superior complaisance which is
paid them by every man who aspires to elegance of manners." And besides
this, the husband has frequently the nominal, while the wife has the
actual power:--
"Like as the helme doth rule the shippe,"
so she regulates all the household affairs. This is proper, when the
husband allows it; and he ought to do so, when his wife is capable of
managing these things; but when the inclinations of his Eve run
perversely, when he is conscious that he has reason on his side, and she
only folly, and yet he is vacillating and yielding, he is unmanly and
inconsistent; he sacrifices future happiness to present peace. Every
woman, it must be granted, is not a sensible one; and "there is
nothing," as Lord Burleigh observed to his son, "more fulsome than a she
foole." If Socrates had properly controlled his Xantippe before her
disorder had increased beyond cure, it would have contributed to her
happiness and his own. Prince Eugene observed, on one occasion, rather
satirically, that love was a mere amusement, and calculated for nothing
more than to enlarge the influence of the woman, and abridge the power
of the man. Goldsmith's Hermit said to his lovely visiter,--
"And love is still an emptier sound,
The modern fair one's jest;
On earth unseen, or only found
To warm the turtle's nest."
But love is an actual, a powerful, and a beneficial principle, if it be
properly regulated. Among married persons there ought to be as much love
as would induce either to yield in trifling matters; and there ought to
be as much reason as would enable both to act correctly. Matrimony
should be something like the union of the ivy and the oak: the latter is
firm, and capable of supporting its more tender companion; the ivy,
however, must follow in some measure the humors and windings of the oak;
but they grow together, and the longer they continue the more closely
they are united. There have been many instances of great attachment.
Porcia, the wife of Brutus, when she heard of her husband's death
swallowed burning coals that she might go with him. Alceste, wife of
Admetus king of Thessaly, sacrificed herself for the safety of her
husband. This monarch was ill; and when the oracle was consulted, it was
declared that he would not recover except some friend would die for him;
and as no one else would do so, the wife heroically drank a cup of
poison. Paulina the wife of Seneca in his old age, was young, beautiful,
and accomplished; and she was so much attached to her husband, that when
the veins of Seneca were opened by the command of Nero, she caused her
own to be cut, that she might also bleed to death. When Conrad III. had
taken the town of Winsberg in Bavaria, he allowed only the women to go
out; but they had leave to carry with them as much as they pleased. They
loaded themselves, therefore, with their husbands and children, and
brought them all out on their shoulders! When love is genuine; when
professions are sincere, and the practice agreeable therewith; when
health is enjoyed, and as many comforts as are necessary for this life;
when children grow up in vigor, good behaviour, and mental improvement;
when old age is solaced by the company of each other, and the kind
attention of daughters and sons; then matrimony is a cause of
happiness.
But if all these enjoyments were the lot of every married person, men
would become too much contented with the present life, and they would
scarcely think, as they sail on smoothly, of the haven, for which they
are bound. Besides, the fascinations of domestic life would attract
them from many duties which they owe to their fellow creatures. There
are then many disadvantages connected with matrimony. There is so
much ignorance, perverseness, undue inclination for power, disposition
to contradict, anger, jealousy, hatred, and versatility among human
beings that many unpleasant occurrences will necessarily arise, and
especially in the marriage state, because here most of these feelings
are brought into action, and are most sensibly felt by those who are
subject to their influence. He that paints the experience of human
life in brilliant colors only gives a flattering and deceptive
representation,--he may just as well pretend that the heavens are
always cloudless. People soon discover that there are sorrows in the
world as well as joys, unpleasant as well as pleasant events; hence
arises the advantage of examining, of pointing out, and endeavoring
to avoid "the ills which flesh is heir to." The perpetuity of marriage,
under pleasing circumstances, is its most lovely character; but the
same peculiarity, under a different aspect, is its principal source of
misery. It is too frequently a state of bondage, "which thousands once
fast-chained to quit no more." But what exists, and cannot be removed,
should always be borne as patiently as possible; and thus we may keep a
cheerful heart, when another, less prudent, would be gloomy. Besides, an
ill temper makes every condition of life unhappy; a cheerful disposition
will throw a gleam of sunshine over the scenery of a November day. Some
people, very foolishly, make themselves uneasy because they are bound.
Sir Jonah Barrington seems to think it a natural propensity. He
says,--"The moment any two animals, however fond before, are fastened
together by a chain they cannot break, they begin to quarrel without
any apparent reason, and peck each other solely because they cannot get
loose again." But it must be remembered that people enter into marriage
with a knowledge of the permanency of the union, and perhaps they seldom
repent, except they had been deceived; and this we may hope would not
occur frequently. After the Romans had introduced a law of divorce, no
respectable person, for the space of forty years, availed himself of it.
Divorcement was much practised among the Jews, and was productive of
great evil. One of the Jewish doctors asserted, that if a man beheld a
woman who was handsomer than his wife, he might put away his wife and
marry her; and thus all the wives in Judea, except the handsomest, might
have been divorced. Josephus observes, on one occasion, very
coolly,--"About this time I put away my wife, who had borne me three
children, not being pleased with her manners."
One cause of unhappiness in a married state, is too little affection;
and in other instances, although affection may be possessed, it is not
shown. Montesquieu observes, "that women commonly reserve their love for
their husbands until their husbands are dead." Sometimes a mortal hatred
springs up, which induces a man, like Henry VIII., to cause the murder
of those whom he has sworn to love and preserve; or a woman, like Livia,
to poison her husband. Not only is a great dissimilarity of rank and
condition a cause of dislike, but a great variation in age is frequently
the cause of distrust and unhappiness. The proportion which Aristotle
suggests (a man of thirty-seven to a woman of eighteen,) may be
appropriate in one respect, but it is objectionable in others. The life
of the female is just as long as that of the male; and the union of
middle age and youth, where the one is twice as old as the other, will
not always allow an uniformity of feelings and disposition. The case of
Seneca (to which we have alluded,) and that of Sir Matthew Hale, are
exceptions. Youth is generally gay, thoughtless, and frivolous; but
life, in more advanced periods, is sober, thoughtful, and dignified. A
husband should not be deemed a teacher or guardian for the wife so much
as a companion; and the wife should not be considered as guardian for
the husband: there ought to be a mutual sympathy, and in most respects
an equality of influence.
Jealousy is a passion which allows the hapless possessor to enjoy
neither rest nor confidence. It is frequently the companion of love.
Shakspeare says,
"For where love reigns, disturbing jealousy
Doth call himself affection's sentinel."
When this principle obtains possession of the breast, it destroys the
health and spirits: the streams which gladden the heart become
corrupted, and productive of rage and melancholy. Jealousy is like the
snake which insidiously entwines itself around its victim; or like the
bohun upas of Java, which diffuses death. The bright beams of hope,
which cheered the possessor, and carried his vision to distant days and
distant scenes of enjoyment, are all eclipsed by this pillar of
darkness. Moliere the poet was endowed with an eminent genius--he was
esteemed as the first wit in Europe; but his wife was faithless, and no
enjoyment, or success, or honor could tranquillize his mind, and make
him happy. The attractions of youth and beauty will sometimes excite an
illicit passion, but the indulgence of this feeling is the path to
anxiety and degradation. The female may be less faulty; but she will be
the greater sufferer; for, with regard to her lawful companion,
confidence is changed to timidity, love to hypocrisy, and a continual
fear torments her, lest accident or malice should discover her
imprudence. How dearly is the pleasure of a moment procured when it is
purchased by years of unhappiness! On the other hand, it is extremely
unreasonable for some persons to indulge as they do, their natural
disposition of suspicion, and thus make others unhappy. Where virtue
only exists, it is a most grievous hardship that the possessor should be
subject to the penalty of vice. Nothing should be made with more caution
than a decision in which the innocent may receive the odium which
belongs to the guilty.
Sometimes the worst sort of accomplishments are brought by a lady into
the marriage state: she may be capable of singing admirably, of dancing,
of painting, of performing skilfully on the harp or piano, of making
ingenious trinkets and ornaments; all this may be well enough for an
unmarried lady, but of what use are they in a state of matrimony? It is
true, that if she be favored with a handsome fortune, she may indulge
herself agreeably with her inclination, and employ others to manage her
household affairs; but not many are thus situated; and, even in this
case, there are duties which belong to the wife, in regard to her
husband and children, which would occupy pretty much of her time. It is
still worse if she be fond of dissipation,--of routs, balls, and public
amusements; if she fly abroad in pursuit of a phantom while domestic
enjoyment is neglected. A good wife will endeavor to make herself happy
at home, and she will try to make all at home happy: she should endeavor
to make the pathway of life cheerful by her smiles and attention, so
that her husband may be delighted with his dwelling, and find it his
happiest place; and that the children may be regulated with all
necessary care.
A good temper is essential for matrimonial happiness. An habitually
irritable or gloomy disposition is a source of misery to the possessor
and to others. A dark and murky cave could as well throw out a cheerful
lustre, as a surly person communicate happiness to those around him.
Obstinacy must not be indulged by either party; for, as the bond of
union cannot be easily broken, if one be perverse the other must bend.
If two trees be bound tightly together, and both be stiff, the cords
will probably break; if not immediately, they will when the cords become
weaker: and thus with regard to matrimony, what God has joined together,
the perversity of human beings will put asunder. Obstinacy in trifling
matters in the marriage state is an evidence of little love and a bad
heart; but if trifling matters appear important, and the gaining of
every point be as the taking of a citadel, the person is wrong in his
judgment; he is insane, or partially so. Many worthy women have been
cursed with worthless husbands; but, unfortunately, the grievances of
the female sex have been less frequently known than those of the men;
for women are not authors, and men are frequently so; consequently, in
all estimates of the comparative merit of the sexes, it must be
remembered that more has been said on the one side than on the other.
Home, however, is the castle of the wife, if she be a good one; here she
keeps her permanent abode, agreeably with the injunction of St. Paul.
The husband is absent the principal part of his time, may there not
therefore, on some occasions, be too greet an inclination in the lady to
consider herself as the governor of the establishment, while the husband
may be deemed a visiter, rather than the master? This would not arise in
the breast of an amiable and affectionate wife, but it has sometimes
arisen; for, unfortunately, all wives have not been good ones. Jerome
Cardan was so unfortunate as to have a wife who was proverbial for her
ill temper and arbitrary conduct. John Knox said of Lord Erskine, "He
has a very Jezebel to his wife." Salmasius, the opponent of Milton, was
made perpetually uneasy by a similar thorn. The unfortunate husband was
a Frenchman, and Milton said (as Dr Johnson observes,) "Tu es Gallus,
et, ut aiunt, nimium gallinaceus." Milton himself seems to have suffered
from a similar cause, for he evinces so much hostility to the female
sex, that no other reason would so naturally account for it. He
exclaims,
"O why did God,
Creator wise, that peopled highest Heaven
With spirits masculine, create at last
This novelty on earth, this fair defect
Of nature, and not fill the world at once
With men and angels without feminine?"
Milton adds a great deal more, which, if he had a high opinion of woman,
even his anxiety to make his character of Adam consistent would not have
demanded. An amiable temper on the part of a wife, with her own natural
softness, and an inclination to yield in unimportant matters, will not
only increase love, but power; for in this respect, agreeably to the
opinion of Prince Eugene, love is power.
Marriage is sometimes made a matter of mere convenience; people enter
into it with as much indifference as they would into any other
speculation, and when one companion dies they take another. In the book
of Tobit we have an account of Sara, the daughter of Raguel, who had
been favored with seven husbands, whom "Asmodeus the evil spirit had
killed." Love must be exceedingly pliable, it must be love to man, and
not to a man, that would suffer a woman to transfer her affections seven
times. It would be a ludicrous occurrence, if, upon any particular
occasion, a man's three or four wives, or a woman's three or four
husbands, should "burst their cerements," and visit their former
dwelling. What astonishment! What uplifted hands and distended
eyeballs! What speechlessness and violent speeches,--reproaches and
animosities! When the Duke of Rutland was Viceroy of Ireland, Sir John
Hamilton attended one of his Grace's levees. "This is timely rain," said
the Duke, "it will bring every thing above ground."--"I hope not, my
Lord," replied Sir John, "for I have three wives there." Marriage may be
well extended to two wives and two husbands in succession; this, in some
cases, is necessary; but when it goes to three or four it is
objectionable. The man who moves from place, sometimes living here and
sometimes there, will never gain a pure and ardent love of home; by the
same rule, a succession of wives will only induce an habitual or
mechanical regard to the wife for the time being; in the same way as
loyalty may be transferred from one sovereign to another. Besides, a
family with different degrees of relationship and with different
interests is formed, and this contributes nothing towards domestic
tranquillity. There may be some particular cases in which the evils to
which we have alluded may not arise; these may be deemed exceptions.
There are some sorrows peculiar to matrimony; and some which, though
they fall on other conditions of life, are felt more heavily when they
intrude themselves within the boundary of connubial love. Poverty and
sickness are more grievous evils under circumstances of this sort;
because a man feels not only for himself, but for others. How dreadful
must it be when the husband beholds his wife in squalid misery. What are
the feelings of a mother when she sees her innocent children suffering
from hunger! And when the iron hand of affliction presses upon the brow
of a husband or a wife, and the sharp arrows of pain occasion groans, is
there not an almost equal anguish is the breast of an affectionate
partner? And when the heavy clouds of sorrow gather around at the
anticipated separation of those who had lived in the bonds of
harmony--when the chilly arms of death are held out to clasp him, or
her, who had been used to a more tender embrace, how dreadful is that
period! Is not the woe of separating generally in the same proportion as
the bliss of uniting? And is it not a valuable loan to be paid by a
mighty sacrifice?
Unhappiness may be occasioned by indulging an undue degree of love.
Sentimental bliss is generally followed by sentimental sorrow;
consequently, people may love one another too ardently, so as to make
the thought of parting a source of misery. If two plants grow up
together, imparting to each other shelter and fragrance, it may
contribute to their mutual advantage; but if they become so closely
united as to grow from the same stalk, and depend on the same nutriment,
then take away one, and both will perish. Connubial love should,
therefore, be regulated by reason. Extremes are seldom durable. Violent
love in the marriage state may change to hatred; and an unusual quantity
expended on the husband or wife, may occasion a lesser degree of regard
towards others. It is not an uncommon event for external enemies to
occasion harmony at home; and harmony at home, or the yielding to the
foolish notions of each other, may occasion enemies without. So
difficult is it to act consistently, and to live in peace with all men!
But the Scripture demands it, and we have a long period for studying our
lesson.
In matrimony it is necessary that many things should contribute to a
permanency of enjoyment. A good temper on both sides; property enough to
supply the wants of a family; good health; children--not too many, nor
too few, nor all of one sex; a continuance in each other's society, till
both pass away gradually as the twilight into darkness: but, if chilly
poverty exert its influence; if the husband or the wife be ill-tempered;
if he or she be unfaithful or jealous; if love be followed by hatred; if
one be taken, and the other left in solitude; if children be imperfect
in birth, or habitually sickly, or drop off in early years as unripe
fruit; if sons prove vicious, and daughters bring disgrace on themselves
and their families; if the extravagance of children bring their aged
parents in sorrow to the grave; where, then, will be the pleasure of
matrimony? The cares of a family, when the family is large and unruly,
are more perplexing than the cares of a state. Cardan confessed, that
out of four great troubles which he had experienced, two arose from his
children. When Thales was asked why he did not marry, he replied,
"because I want no children." One of the ancient sages was so much
impressed with the disappointments and anxieties of matrimony, that when
he was asked, at what time, a man should marry? replied, "If he be
young, not yet; if older, not at all."
This sentiment however, so repugnant to all our ideas of social
improvement, as well as to the command of our Creator, who presented
woman to man as a helpmate, because it was not good that he should live
alone, and demanded of them to "be fruitful and multiply," will find no
advocates except among the disappointed, the ignorant, and the
abandoned. "The love of woman" is a feeling too deeply rooted in the
breast of man, and the reality of domestic felicity has been too long
tested by experience, for either to be sacrificed on the altar of the
revilers of matrimony, whether they be libertines, weak husbands, or
misnamed "philosophers."
The dearest boon from Heaven above,
Is bliss which brightly hallows home,
'Tis sunlight to the world of love,
And life's pure wine without its foam.
There is a sympathy of heart
Which consecrates the social shrine,
Robs grief of gloom and doth impart
A joy to gladness all divine.
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| Transcriber's Note |
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| Obvious typographical errors have been corrected. Details |
| are provided in the source of the associated html version. |
| Archaic spellings have been retained. |
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