FIRST WIDOWHOOD.
"I am a widow. The name fills me with awe, as if I had never heard it
before. It has a new meaning now--a terrible meaning of death, which is
full of reproach and horror. He lies yonder, cold and still, the smile
which he had almost forgotten of late frozen on his white lips, the
lines of age graven deeply in his face,--with something more terrible
still, which makes me shiver and shrink as I gaze upon it.
"Have I done this? Is that look of sorrow but the shadow of a charge
which the recording angel is now writing down in the eternal book
against me? Am I the murderer of this good old man? How he loved me! how
kind, how generous, how delicate he was! And I--no, no! it must have
been old age. Men of seventy do not sink down and perish in silence
because they are not loved with the intensity given to youth. Oh, how I
wish it were all over! While he lies in the house, so frozen and cold, I
shall not draw a free breath. It seems to me as if he could rise up any
moment out of that marble sleep with the power to search every thought
that has been in my heart during the last year. His knowledge is perfect
now; he reads my soul as I dare not read it myself. _Have_ I wished his
death? Have I ever thought of what might happen after that? God forgive
me, for I seem terrible to myself.
"Death in the house; this great lonely dwelling, with all its luxurious
appliances, is but a tomb. The air chills me; its solitude is terrible.
Cora comes to me once in a while with her silky flatteries, and attempts
to convince me that I have never been blamable as a wife. I know that
she does not believe this, and almost hate her for thinking that her
sophistry can reconcile me with myself. Yet what have I done? Amused
myself--gathered crowds of admirers around me--neglected the only true
love that ever lightened my life. Shall I ever be worshipped again as
that old man worshipped me?...
"They have carried him out from his home forever, and now the old house
seems more vast and lonely than before. I still hear the tramping of his
bearers' feet, and shudder as the pall seems to rustle and sweep by me.
Ah! the first feelings of widowhood must be mournful indeed to a
devoted wife; to me they are terrible. The very air seems to reproach
me. I start at each sound as if it were a denunciation. The very air I
breathe seems heavy with funereal shadows....
"The first great horror has left me, but a feeling of blank desolation
still remains. I have not yet thought of the future, or asked myself
what may be in store for the woman whom so many are loading with praises
and commiseration which she knows in her heart are undeserved.
"This morning I was aroused from the heavy apathy which has made my life
a blank, by the arrival of my husband's solicitor. Mr. Dennison has left
a will making me the inheritor of everything he had on earth. The lawyer
told me this, and, for the first time since my widowhood, I felt the
heart in my bosom stir like a living thing. Was I indeed so wealthy, and
free, too!
"I observed in a dreamy way that the lawyer looked anxious and
oppressed, as if something yet remained to be told.
"'Is this all,' I said; 'has he mentioned no other person in the will?'
"'No other person,' was the reply; 'but I have something to explain
which may change the aspect of my news. It seems that within the past
few months a heavy mortgage has been laid upon the plantation, and it
must be sold.'
"'A mortgage!' I said; 'that is something which prevents a man holding
or selling his own land, is it not?'
"'It is a debt for which the estate is pledged,' answered the lawyer;
'but I wonder you do not understand it better, for your own signature is
attached.'
"Then I remembered that, during the stay of Mr. Lawrence at our house,
Mr. Dennison had called me to the table in his library and asked me to
sign a paper. He explained to me clearly enough, no doubt, that the
paper might deprive me of some claim for dower; but I did not heed it
at the time, and now it was to fall upon me with all its force. The
plantation must be sold, the lawyer said, for he was one of the
executors to the will. The mortgage once cleared off and the debts paid,
there would still be a handsome property left.
"All at once I was seized with intense love for the old place. Where
should I ever find a home so rich in comforts, so beautifully
surrounded?
"'Is it not possible to keep the place?' I demanded, with growing
interest.
"'No; the mortgage was given, I imagine, in order to raise funds for
some dazzling speculation in which Mr. Lawrence was concerned. At any
rate, there is no money to pay it with, and the estate must go to the
hammer.'
"'This is cruel, it is unjust,' I said, angrily.
"'It was wrong and foolish to involve the estate as Mr. Dennison has,'
answered the executor, 'and the loss is a heavy one. Let us be thankful
that our good friend has left enough without that.'
"'But his losses were brought on by Mr. Lawrence?' I questioned,
speaking the name with a thrill of pain.
"'No! they were fellow-sufferers. It is understood that Lawrence has
lost heavily, and will perhaps be ruined.'
"Instantly my heart swelled with sympathy for the man who had helped to
impoverish me.
"'Oh! if he had but left the estate unburdened, I should not care.'
"Heaven knows I was thinking of the man who had, perhaps, wronged me,
but the executor misunderstood my words and looked at me wonderingly. I
saw this, but could not explain that the great wish of my heart was that
there might be enough to redeem the losses that had fallen upon
Lawrence. I could not endure to think of him as a poor man. A poor
man--that is a terrible word to the ears of a Southern lady.
"The executor tried to explain everything clearly, and I made an effort
to understand. He was anxious about the property, and thought the times
unpropitious. The North and South were that hour verging closer and
closer toward a civil war, in which the value of property would become
uncertain, and I might be a sufferer.
"I knew all this before; rumors of political strife had reached even our
secluded home. I knew that the bitter animosity which had been long
growing between the North and South had even then broken into open
hostilities. Southern statesmen had retreated in a body from the United
States Senate, and resigned their seats in the House. I had taken a
blind interest in this matter, and, in a loose way, hated everything
that opposed the dominant power of my own section; but it was as a child
takes sides. I did not, and do not, really understand the questions
which give rise to all this turmoil. Of course, the whole affair will be
settled somehow; people never do fight when they threaten so much.
Besides, the South is so reasonable; she only asks to set up for
herself, and be let alone. What objection can there be to this? I dare
say the Northern people will acquiesce; but if not, it will only take a
month or so to gain our independence. I think the executor is right to
put off the sale till then; for of course property will rise enormously,
and this may compensate me for that great drawback, the mortgage. But
until the estate is settled, I must remain a slave here. Perhaps that is
best; it would not be proper for a widow to seek society under a year;
but oh! how dreary that year will be!
"I wonder if Mr. Lawrence has heard of his friend's death? Months have
gone by and not a word from him, not even the usual letter of
condolence. Perhaps he is coming. Surely the share he has taken in the
ruin of this property ought to bring some explanation. There is no
reason now why he should keep aloof.
"At last I have heard from him. A letter came to the executor, enclosing
one for me. It is in my bosom. I have covered the senseless paper with
kisses. Yet there is nothing in it but gentle condolence for sorrow. The
reason he has not written before is that the news of Mr. Dennison's
death reached him in Europe, where he will remain until the end of this
year. His letter to the executor was long and thoroughly explanatory of
all the business which lay between him and Mr. Dennison. This mortgage,
it seems, was only the accumulation of many others that had from year to
year been a burden on the estate. Through the influence of Mr. Lawrence,
a New York capitalist had paid up these mortgages, and concentrated them
into one which, after all, does not cover half the value of the estate.
It was this act of friendship which brought Mr. Lawrence to our house.
There was neither risk nor speculation in the whole business. Even with
this encumbrance, Mr. Dennison's will would have left me wealthy, but
for the terrible civil war which has broken over us. As it is, there are
three hundred slaves, which the mortgage does not touch, and they are a
handsome property in themselves.
"The estate is sold, and the result scarcely covers the mortgage. Still
the slaves are left, and my jewels are of great value. Sometimes, when
my hand rests upon my black dress, the diamonds with which my husband
loaded it flame up and burn into my conscience. How could I be so
negligent and cold to him?
"Some months longer I shall remain on the estate. The new owner wishes
to hire most of my slaves; that arrangement will supply me with an ample
income, and permit me to go anywhere; that is, if I can get away, when
the whole country is swarming with armed men. Thank heaven! my home has
escaped all these military disturbances; but they build a wall of
bayonets between me and _him_. I cannot even get letters....
"I am going: an opportunity offers. This very day I start for the North.
My pass is ready, my escort waiting. How my heart swells! how my courage
rises! The dangers of war have no terrors for me. I am going to the
North, and _he_ is there....
"How long it is since I have written a line in my journal, or even seen
it! In our rough journey there was little time or opportunity for
writing, but here I have rest and am entirely out of danger.
"Lawrence is in the Federal army, commanding one of the city regiments
which have gone down to the war for special duty. How vast and lonely
this hotel seems! I am lost in this great wilderness of people. The
streets are full of military men; regiments are constantly passing
through on their way to the war. Great heavens! did our people hope to
wrest away any portion of this great country from men like these? For
the first time I understand the madness of the rebellion. It is no light
thing to rend a great nation asunder. I begin to feel this, and tremble
for the people of the South. In the insanity of their ambition they have
sacrificed everything....
"He is coming. His regiment is ordered home. I am here at the Fifth
Avenue Hotel--his home when he is in the city. Lawrence must not find me
here. His fastidious delicacy might take the alarm! Besides, I have made
acquaintances, and am almost acting over the _role_ that made me so
popular at New Orleans; else the suspense of this long waiting would
have been intolerable. Yes, it is far better that I should be away when
he comes. If he hears of me, it will only be from admirers. Even with
the women, I think that I have left no enemies. It is early for the
season, but this very day my rooms at Long Branch shall be taken. Will
he follow me there? The question drives the breath back from my lips....
"I have been at the Branch three weeks. His regiment has returned to
New York, but I have not seen him: this suspense is terrible. Yesterday
I sent Cora to the city, ostensibly to get some articles that I left at
the hotel, but in fact to bring me intelligence of him, for which my
soul was thirsting.
"She came back radiant, for the poor girl understands how anxious I am.
She saw him--talked with him. He has been very busy with his regiment,
and attending to neglected business on Wall Street; but next week--next
week--oh, how long the days will seem till then!...
"He is here. I have seen him; we have walked together, free as birds
upon the shore, where the sea rolls in with bewildering harmonies for
the happy, and solemn anthems for those who suffer. To-day the very air
was jubilant; the waves came rolling in crested with foam, and dashing
the sand with shimmering silver. How the sunshine danced and broke and
laughed over the broad expanse of water! The sea-gulls, as they swooped
down and dipped their wings in the curling foam, were like doves to us.
Indeed, this flat, treeless shore on which the ocean is eternally
beating, is just now the brightest paradise I ever knew.
"Weeks roll on, and our companionship is perfect; but he says nothing of
the future. We talk of books, of friendship--love even--but in a vague,
dreamy way, that confirms nothing. I wonder at this, and it disturbs me.
Is it that he is no longer a rich man? I have heard this, but am not
sure, for the rumor is often met with contradiction. If this should
prove true, it will account for his conduct. I know him well enough to
be sure that his sensitive honor would take alarm at the thought of
marrying a woman whose property would more than match his own; and mine,
notwithstanding all losses, is of no ordinary value.
"These thoughts trouble me. Nothing can be more impressive than his
devotion; my society seems all in all to him, but our relationship
remains the same.
"A rather singular family has just arrived--some rich iron-man from the
interior of Pennsylvania. His wife is a confirmed invalid, but one of
the most refined and lovable women I ever saw. She must have been very
beautiful in her youth, for her features are singularly like those of
her daughter, who is considered the most lovely girl at the Branch this
season. The rooms which Mr. Lee occupies open on to the same veranda
with mine, and as the lady spends a great deal of her time in looking
out upon the ocean from her luxurious easy-chair, I managed to open an
acquaintance with her and a lady who is her constant companion, and
either an elder sister of the beautiful girl I have spoken of, or some
near friend of the family. My first advances to this lady were rather
coldly received. She has evidently been out of society a long time, and
appears shy and reserved. The younger lady seemed to be reading my face
with more scrutiny than pleased me. She is not really handsome, but has
lovely hair and an abundance of it, with deep gray eyes that are almost
always shaded by long curling lashes, which gives them intense
expression when she lifts them suddenly and meets your gaze. Her
complexion is pure and bright, but the mouth is a little too large for
harmony with the other features. Still, her smile is peculiarly
expressive when she does smile, which is not often.
"I can hardly tell why this person impressed me so forcibly, but a
strange sensation came over me when those eyes were first lifted to my
face. She is not imposing in her presence, but very modest and very
unobtrusive. Her attentions to Mrs. Lee were more than affectionate; and
with the young lady she has the air and manner of a sister who feels her
superiority in age, and nothing more.
"This morning I met Mr. Lee on the shore, walking alone. He is a
princely man in appearance, taller than Mr. Lawrence, and of more noble
proportions. Still, his finely-cut features lack the keen intelligence
which is only seen where great genius exists. The years he has already
numbered scarcely count to his disadvantage. Not very long ago I should
have considered this man as far the handsomest of the two; but now the
splendor of genius alone can satisfy me....
"I have had terrible news. President Lincoln has issued a proclamation
which emancipates all slaves in the rebellious States. If this act is
lawful, and can be enforced, I am almost a beggar. All the property to
which I have a right lies in the strong arms of nearly three hundred
negro slaves. A single word, the mere writing of a man's name, has swept
all my wealth away. With the exception of my jewels, I have nothing.
This is a terrible blow, for I have endured poverty, and shrink from it
with absolute dread. To me a luxurious ease and elegance are a fixed
habit, and so necessary that I could not live without them.
"One consolation comes out of all this ruin. I am sure that Lawrence has
hesitated to say all that is in his heart on account of my wealth,
which, if rumor speaks truly, was far greater than anything he can
command. When I think of this and glory in his sensitive delicacy, the
loss of all my slaves seems a less crushing calamity. This very day I
will tell him how suddenly the Act of Emancipation has placed me on his
level.
"I have told him of the sweeping misfortune which has left me on the
verge of poverty. He looked at me in alarm. His face clouded over, his
eyes turned away from mine. It was moments before he spoke.
"'It is a misfortune,' he said, at last, and there was bitterness in his
voice, as if some wrong had been done himself. 'Poverty is a terrible
thing; from my heart I pity you.'
"'But it is not everything,' I faltered; 'surely happiness can exist
without wealth: you must not frighten me with the thought that my future
is all broken up.'
"He shook his head, moved away from me abruptly, and stood for a moment
looking out upon the ocean in gloomy silence. At last he came back and
took my hand, which was growing cold.
"'It is a misfortune,' he said, 'but you will hardly feel it. Something
is left, if properly managed. You are young and splendidly beautiful. A
few smiles--a little condescension--and fortunes will be laid at your
feet, compared to which that which you have lost will be nothing. As for
me--but I will not talk of myself. It is only another dream broken up.'
He turned abruptly, dropped my cold hand from his clasp, and walked
away, leaving me stranded, as it were, like a wreck upon the shore.
"What does this mean? 'It is only another dream broken up.' These were
his words. Merciful heavens! has this ruin fallen on my whole life. Will
poverty frighten back the heart that was mine?
"'Another dream broken up.' These words signify everything that is
humiliating and painful. If they have any meaning at all, he is ready to
give me up rather than face the difficulties of my position. And I
thought him so disinterested, so proud!
"Alas! I thought myself unhappy before, but this is perfect desolation.
'Another dream broken up' for him--a life broken up for me.
"I do not believe it. I mistook the meaning of his words. He loved me; I
know he did. Was it not a consciousness of too passionate tenderness
that drove him away from me when I was a married woman? Has he not
sought me since, and told me in a thousand ways how dear I was to him?
Has he not so mingled our future lives in his conversation that there
could be no mistaking the drift of his thoughts? I am foolish to think
that this will make any lasting difference. Besides, Lincoln must be
master of the South before my slaves can be reached by any act of his."
* * * * *
"It is true: Lawrence, during the last week, has been gradually
withdrawing himself from my society. I have seen him less frequently of
late; he seldom joins me unless I am surrounded by others. Our walks on
the beach are entirely broken up, and he no longer seeks me when I
purposely sit apart on the veranda of the hotel.
"I have been so annoyed and felt so wronged by his conduct, that a
spirit of bitter retaliation is aroused in my bosom. The most
aristocratic and splendid man here is Mr. Lee. I have noticed once or
twice that Lawrence has seemed a little disturbed by the slight interest
this gentleman has taken in me. He shall feel this more keenly before
the week is over. By that time a prouder and more fastidious man than he
is shall be my slave. That idea of the power a brilliant coquette may
wield, which he first planted in my mind, shall bring forth bitter fruit
for his eating before I have done with him.
"This man shall be at my feet again--I do not know whether in love or
hate; but no living creature shall ever cast me off in this slow,
heartless fashion. I am young, beautiful, the fashion--but these things
count for but little in a contest with men like Lawrence. He it was who
first told me that I possess something far more powerful than all
these--intellect, talent, powers of combination, and that subtle
magnetism which no man has ever yet had power to resist: compared with
this, beauty, youth, and fashion are trivial possessions. But I have
them all, and it shall go hard if this proud man is not made to feel
their influence. He thinks I accept the position, and do not feel. Let
him. I have not mingled in society and practised his lessons for
nothing. The 'brilliant coquette' with whom he could associate with
safety has at least learned how to conceal her anguish. He shall yet
find how fatal and poisonous is the hatred growing up like a upas-tree
in the desert he has made. My acquaintance with Mr. Lee thrives. I have
become the intimate friend of his daughter, a tender nurse to his
invalid wife. They are a singularly refined and intelligent family, so
loving and true that I almost envy the simplicity which springs from so
much goodness. In my friendship for his wife and daughter I find the
surest means of interesting Mr. Lee.
"What do I purpose by this? Why, to triumph over that ingrate Lawrence
by a conquest of the only man within reach who is admitted to be his
superior. He has humiliated my pride, wounded my vanity, and, oh
heavens! thrown back the most passionate love that woman ever bestowed
on man, as too worthless for his acceptance without money. Were Mr. Lee
an unmarried man, this Lawrence should be invited to act as his
groomsman within the month. As it is, he is distinguished and
unapproachable to the common herd. As to the rest, wait and see--wait
and see!
"Even here that man seems determined to thwart and wound me. Once, when
I was talking with Mr. Lee in a low voice, watching the effect of this
intimacy on Lawrence, who stood near, from under my half-closed
eyelashes, he came up quietly, and desired to be introduced to my
companion, who that moment moved away unconscious of the request.
"Lawrence has become acquainted with the young lady. I do not know how
he managed it, but this morning when I looked out upon the sea, thinking
only of him, they were standing together on the shore, conversing like
old friends. My heart stood still; I felt my very lips turn white. The
girl is rich, beautiful, and of good family. Almost her entire life has
been spent in France, and she has undoubtedly brought all the arts and
graces learned in foreign society in order to insure her conquests here.
How did she manage to attract Lawrence? No woman has been able to do
that since he came here. Until now my influence has been supreme, my
society sufficient to his happiness;--_now_ he is standing by her--yes,
looking down into the eyes of that girl with the air of a man entranced.
What can it mean? what can it mean?...
"I have not slept all night. My brain whirls, my heart aches; all the
pride in my nature rises up in rebellion. I hate that man. He loves her.
I can see it in his eyes; I can hear it in his speech. There is homage
in the very bend of his person when he salutes her. Never, even in the
first days of our acquaintance, has he addressed me with such tender
admiration. Oh, how I hate her! The blood burns hotly in my veins when
she approaches me. I long to strike her down. But be quiet, proud heart!
the time will come--the time will come!
"A gentleman has just arrived at the Branch from the neighborhood of Mr.
Lee's residence in Pennsylvania. He is a bright, chivalrous,
noble-hearted young fellow, evidently in love with Jessie Lee, who looks
upon him only as a generous young man whom she has known all her life,
and cannot be particularly interested in. I discovered all this at the
first interview. Besides the disadvantage of a long intimacy, she does
not care for him because of the fascinations this other man has thrown
around her. Poor fellow! how sad and bewildered he looks when she turns
from him with such unconscious indifference to listen for the footsteps
of his rival. How her cheek burns and her eyelids droop when the one man
approaches her! Ah! I know the feeling, and could almost give pity for
the disappointment in store for her; for she shall be disappointed. His
'brilliant coquette' is on the watch, softly, stealthily, but vigilant
as a fox. Where two men are in love with the same woman, opportunities
for complications are always arising. I shall neither overlook or throw
them aside.
"Days and weeks have worn away,--that is the word,--worn away with such
dull joylessness that they seem to me like the heavy dreams of a sick
man. It is true this man would have married me out of lukewarm love and
a thirst for money; but it is all over now. Both inclinations have
kindled up into fiery passion for this Jessie Lee, and she is in love
with him--a first love, deep and shy, but positive. He sees this and
exults in it, utterly careless that I see and suffer.
"My friends reproach me for my reckless gayety. They complain that I am
too greedy of pleasure, and give myself no rest. Greedy of pleasure! I
am only fleeing from pain; I cannot pause to think without loathing the
past and dreading the future. I rush onward like a wounded animal,
afraid to pause lest I should be tempted to lie down and bleed to death.
"Lawrence has become close friends with young Bosworth. They have known
each other before, it seems, and the acquaintance has been warmly
renewed. There is craft and calculation in this. Let me watch and wait.
I knew it. Lawrence seldom attempts to attract man or woman in vain.
This morning the blinds of my window were closed, and I sat thoughtfully
in the twilight of my room, listening to the murmurs of the ocean, that
seemed to grow softer and more slumberous as the sun poured its silvery
radiance upon them. I was very sad. No one would have complained of my
spirits could they have seen me then.
"All at once, voices startled me. Lawrence and young Bosworth had paused
near the closed blinds of my room. Just before this, some invitation had
evidently been extended to Lawrence, and he accepted it with evident
satisfaction.
"'Of course I will come, my good fellow. Fine shooting, a good horse,
and such neighbors as the Lees, would draw a man out of paradise. You
may count on me for a month.'
"'Then it is settled,' answered Bosworth, with a little reserve; perhaps
he was not altogether pleased that the Lees were considered as an
inducement for the visit. 'Then it is settled. We will do our best to
make your visit to the old house pleasant.'
"They passed on after this, and left me trembling with indignation.
Lawrence had made arrangements to follow Jessie Lee in a way that would
commit him to nothing. Here, my presence has been some restraint upon
him. In the country, his opportunities to see her will be far greater,
and he will become thoroughly acquainted with all the advantages of her
position.
"Lawrence is going to visit his rival, Mr. Bosworth. I will visit my
rival, Miss Jessie Lee, at the same time. Before the night closes in, I
will have an invitation from both the young lady and her invalid mother.
As for Miss Hyde, it would be a thousand years before I got one from
her. She does not like me, but I will become an inmate of her friends'
house nevertheless. I can almost smile when I think of the confusion
this arrangement will make.
"The night has not darkened yet, and I am invited to The Ridge. This is
the name of Mrs. Lee's place in the country. How easily these gentle and
truthful women are managed. They had not the least idea of inviting me
when I entered their parlor, but in ten minutes after it was all
arranged. I did not promise to go, however, but left the acceptance for
a future day. This uncertainty will prevent them mentioning the visit to
Lawrence....
"I am here at The Ridge, an honored guest, welcome to every one except
Miss Hyde, who never has even pretended to like me. She has great
influence in the family; but how long will it last? My enemies usually
get into trouble in some unexpected way before I have been with them
long.
"Lawrence is here, but I have managed that he shall not know of my
presence until we meet face to face. We have a delicate game to play,
and I shall enjoy the first move.
"I have seen him. We went out on horseback this afternoon, and he joined
us. I was in my saddle when he rode up, and smiled upon him as if we had
met only yesterday. His face flushed scarlet when he saw me. I made no
effort to have him near me, but rode on with Mr. Lee, who is really one
of the most charming men I ever saw. I watched Lawrence closely, to
detect some annoyance at this intimacy; but his face was inscrutable.
One thing was positive: my presence annoyed him.
"I think there was an effort made by Miss Hyde to keep me from Mrs.
Lee's sick-room, but all her petty obstacles were swept away like a
handful of rushes. Let this dainty little person take care, or she may
not long remain the friend _par excellence_ of the family. Mrs. Lee is
very delicate, and may at any hour drop out of life. They are enormously
rich, and most of the money comes from her real estate. I suppose
Lawrence knows all this, or he would not have been in the neighborhood;
but he shall never marry this girl--never--never!
"I am gaining something of my old ascendency over this man; and as I
gain, she loses--no matter how--but she does. There are things which we
never write, or care to see on record even in our own hearts. I think
the devoted attentions of my host wound his vanity a little; and it is
for this reason I encourage them--with another, so vague and remote that
it scarcely takes shape as yet. But this is certain: I will not be made
bankrupt in everything. If love fails me, I will have power and wealth.
If he attains this girl, I will sweep everything else out of his reach.
The pale woman up yonder in her tower-chamber cannot live forever.
"There is a little imp of Satan in this house, who is constantly with
Mrs. Lee, vigilant as a fox, but, to all appearance, stolid enough in
everything where her mistress is not concerned. She is completely
uneducated, and seems to observe or know nothing beyond her duties in
the sick-room; but she is forever there, and, I am sure, listens
sometimes to our conversation, though it makes no visible impression
upon her. I have told Cora to gain some influence over this strange
creature. Since then she has been in my room frequently, and yesterday
proposed to dress my head, which was beautifully done. She is very
quiet, and takes no interest in anything around her, but talks to Cora
when I am away, and the two are becoming very intimate. I shall find her
useful. In her simplicity she will tell Cora everything.
"Young Bosworth has proposed to Jessie and been rejected; I am sure of
this, though she is honorably reticent, and Miss Hyde refuses to speak.
My relations with Lawrence are getting more and more confidential and
friendly. Yesterday he even hinted at his attachment for Jessie. I
listened in dead stillness, holding my breath, for it seemed as if some
cruel hand were clutching at my heart. Does he think that I have no
feeling, no pride? Sometimes I hate the man. How would he open this
subject? How was I endowed with power to listen without shrieking forth
the agony it inflicted?
"He asked me, with an effort at carelessness, if I thought there was
anything serious in young Bosworth's attentions to Miss Lee. His voice
faltered a little, and I knew that he was anxious. So I answered with
gentle deliberation that I knew very little of the matter. Cora had
gathered from the servants that they were mutually attached, but Mr. Lee
opposed the marriage, as young Bosworth's fortune was in no reasonable
proportion to that Miss Lee would inherit. Lawrence winced at this,
unless I am greatly mistaken. Bosworth is a millionaire compared to him.
If he has property of any amount, I have been unable to learn the fact.
Indeed, he speaks of himself always as a poor man; but that may be from
calculation. Thinking that Bosworth might know and have spoken of his
friend's affairs, I have brought up the subject once or twice when
conversing with Miss Hyde, but she evidently knew little or nothing
about it. Oh, why is he not a rich man! The temptation of Miss Lee's
fortune would be nothing to him then, and that girl and I would stand on
equal ground. With the odds so completely against me, I have sworn to
myself that he shall never, never marry her.
"She loves him, and I think he loves her; still he turns to me for
sympathy and counsel, believing that I forget and forgive.
"Yes, she has rejected young Bosworth, and he is ill, very ill. That
fine old lady, his grandmother, has sent for Miss Hyde, who will take
Jessie Lee to visit her sick lover. Lawrence shall know this. He shall
watch for her, going and coming. What, but intense love, can account for
a step so singular--taken, too, without the knowledge of her father, for
I will see that no communication of the fact shall reach him.
"It is exactly as I wished. He saw her on the road; he knows how angry
her father was. His mortification is complete. He suffers enough to make
my soul rise up in arms against him. To-day he betrayed one fact. The
hope of gaining her property was a powerful incentive, however much he
may love her. The man is worse than poor--heavily in debt--and feels
himself compelled to marry riches. Perhaps this is the sole motive that
brings him to the feet of this beautiful heiress. If I thought so, he
might marry her; and I would wait a little till that frail woman--no,
that is a terrible thought; let it sleep--let it sleep. Still, what
would I do, even if Lawrence loved me? With extravagant tastes like
ours, and high social positions to maintain without means, and he in
debt, a marriage would be madness. If I were only sure that he sought
her for her money alone--but I will not think of it.
"Lawrence has gone. I could not endure to see his disappointment, and
let him depart supposing her engaged.
"I cannot live without him. This beautiful place is a desert, with all
its blossoming flowers and rich appliances. When I feel that he has
gone, a gloom falls upon everything around me. I am more lonely and
miserable than his devotion to this young heiress could make me.
Without his society, life would be a heavy burden. But how is that to be
attained?
"These few days have been important ones to me. I have conjectured and
thought till my brain aches and my heart is sore. To-day I stood upon
the top of the Ridge, looking out upon the town and the vast landed
estate owned by this man. Miss Hyde was with me, and something she said
led me into a new train of thought. It seems that Jessie Lee is an
heiress in spite of her father. At her mother's death, she will come in
possession of half the estate. Of course, she will always live near the
homestead, and the man she marries must necessarily be almost an inmate
there. I have thought of this a great deal. New combinations are
arranging themselves in my mind. If this rich man were free--but I dare
not think of it.
"This lady is very lovely, but life must be a burden to any invalid. I
should think death a mercy compared to the dull monotony of a sick-room.
He is very tender and kind to her; but full health and continued illness
cannot long remain in sympathy. He has learned this within the last two
months, or I am greatly mistaken. Jessie Lee is getting distrustful of
me. Miss Hyde has disliked me from the first, but in the sick-room I am
all-potent, and this proud man does not himself dream of the power I
have attained over him....
"I will do it; what choice have I? Poverty on one side, loneliness,
desolation. On the other, wealth, position, his society. Oh, if I could
only be sure that he does not love her!
"Having made up my mind, I am not one to falter. Yesterday I was talking
with her about opiates. She is very nervous and wakeful at night, but
refused to take laudanum. Very well; I have persuaded her that
chloroform will bring rest, and she has some in her room. If she should
take an overdose, who can be astonished?
"Last night I had a fearful struggle in her room. That girl seems
endowed with wonderful resistance. I cannot put her so deeply into
insensibility that she does not come out with a suddenness that
frightens me. Perhaps I am nervous; everything startles me, and I feel
panic-stricken at the least sound.
"After several failures I at last got the imp into perfect
unconsciousness. _She_ was lying on her white bed, more like a ghost
than a human being. I stood over her; the dim outline of her person was
just visible, but my hand crept slowly through the darkness, grasping
the bottle, which was already uncorked. I was resolute. There was no
tremor of heart or hand to hold me back. Slowly and steadily she inhaled
the drug. Her breath stopped--her hand, which I grasped in mine, was
growing cold, when I heard a scraping noise behind me. In an instant the
room was illuminated with pale blue light. I turned in horror, and saw
the girl Lottie and Miss Hyde, both pale as death, gazing upon me. I
escaped them almost by a miracle. Cora came to my aid, and, quick as a
flash of lightning, changed the bottle in my hand for another, while
Miss Hyde was absolutely holding me in her arms. The whole family were
aroused, but I received them calmly: the moment of peril had passed,
and, instead of sinking, my energies rose to the conflict. But after I
reached my room, the reaction was terrible. I fell from one fainting fit
to another until morning.
"That girl Lottie suspects me. No fox waiting for prey was ever more
vigilant. I dare not venture to that room again.
"An idea struck me this afternoon. A few words, spoken sadly and
secretly by the sick woman, revealed means of reaching the end I wish,
which are entirely free from danger, and may lead to other results. Let
me think; let me plan. Why did this idea never present itself before?
"'To think that he did not love me, would be death,' she said. I felt
the blood leap from my heart. This sentence revealed a terrible power
which might safely be used. A power so subtle and deep-working that no
human being would ever guess at its fatal effects.
"I have written this woman a letter, so completely imitating Jessie
Lee's handwriting that no human being can detect the difference. In that
letter I have accused myself of attempting to entrap Mr. Lee, and of
usurping the affections that should belong to his wife. I have pointed
out proof after proof that he has ceased to regard her, and is becoming
weary of the life her illness forces upon him. I have warned her that
his love is already given to another, and that her very life is becoming
burdensome to him.
"The letter is adroitly written, but has no signature. Who could suppose
any woman capable of maligning herself? I have sent it to the mail. It
will reach her to-morrow. I cannot sleep to-night. Work like this
requires a heart of brass and nerves of steel.
"It is done. She got the letter while we were out riding. When we came
back, her heart was broken--poor thing, poor woman! I almost wish it had
not been done. The feeling of terror that seized upon me when I saw
their white faces, was awful. A faint sickness crept over me, but I must
go on and face the work I had done.
"I kissed her while she was dying. Did Judas feel so when he betrayed
the Saviour? No wonder he went out and killed himself. A drop of her
life-blood clung to my lips. I washed it off again and again, but it
burns there yet--it burns there yet....
"Weeks have passed, mostly in solitude, for we keep apart from each
other, and meet gloomily when forced into domestic companionship. I am
sure this man loves me, though as yet he has given no sign. I am equally
sure that the other inmates of the house hate me.
"I have written to Lawrence, explaining away many things that drove him
from the neighborhood. I have told him that Jessie Lee is not
engaged--that she has loved him from the first. This will bring him
back. Let him marry her; his presence is my life. That much at least
will be secured.
"He has been here, she has refused him utterly, and he is furious. Oh,
such words as he used, such cruel, hard truths as he told me! They
pierce my heart like arrows poison-tipped. He does not love me--never
did. This thought makes me hard as iron, resolute as a tigress.
"I am about to leave the Ridge. I have separated him from his household.
It was the necessity of my position. Had these two women regained their
influence over Mr. Lee, I should have lost him too. As it is, they will
be left alone. I shall not be absent from his house twenty-four hours
before he will depart also.
"He intends to leave home at once and travel in Europe. About the end of
this year he will be in Paris. He asked no questions about my movements,
but there was anxiety and deep distress in his eyes that I understood.
"I shall go at once to New York, sell my jewels, and hold myself in
readiness for anything that comes. But one thing is certain--this man
and I meet again."
* * * * *
Mrs. Dennison's journal closed here. I read it through, word by word,
until my very heart grew cold with horror and dread. It is a terrible
thing to be made the custodian of a great crime. It haunted me night and
day, until the very burden of it threatened to undermine my health.
I hid the book away, and locked it close from all knowledge but my own.
For the universe I would not have told Jessie one word of the awful
crime it revealed. I think it would have killed her. But all this time
my soul grew faint with apprehension. The year was wellnigh at its
close. Would this woman carry out her project and meet Mr. Lee in Paris?
The thought drove me wild. I resolved to leave home and cross the ocean
rather than allow a noble and good man to be wiled on to a union with
that terrible woman. But this was difficult. How could I leave Jessie to
such perfect loneliness? These thoughts filled my mind day and night,
haunting me almost into insanity.
Sometimes I thought of Lottie with a gleam of hope: possibly she had
undertaken the daring enterprise which I contemplated with so much
terror. I resolved to wait a while, hoping that she might send us some
intelligence.
Weeks went by and we heard nothing of her. She had not promised to
write--still we anxiously expected to hear of her welfare; but nothing
came. Like Mr. Lee, Lottie seemed to have been swept out of our lives.
All this was very sad; but we received a little sunshine in the constant
visits of young Bosworth, who was so happy now in his but half
acknowledged engagement to our Jessie that all our troubles were chased
away in his presence. As for the old lady--but it is impossible to
explain what a protection and comfort her society proved to us at this
time.
A month--six weeks went by, and still nothing of Mr. Lee or of Lottie;
both had deserted us, and we were indeed alone. Jessie had some
consolation in the dawning tenderness of her second love; but I--oh!
those were dreary, dreary days to me!